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Ellen DeGeneres owes me $60,000 and might be a vampire – not that there’s anything wrong with that

March 26, 2010

Ellen DeGeneres is mere moments away from presenting Constance McMillen with a $30,000 check for not going to prom – something I did pro bono. Twice.

Around the world, 18-year-old lesbian Constance McMillen is being hailed as a hero for standing up for equal rights. Earlier this week, with the American Civil Liberties Union by her side, a federal judge ruled the Itawamba County, Miss., school board violated the Constitution by canceling prom for all students instead of letting her wear a tuxedo and invite her girlfriend.

I’m lauding her, too, because by staying true to herself and taking her crusade against discrimination to the media, she alerted me to the fact that kids who don’t go to prom receive $30,000 oversized checks from Ellen DeGeneres. The television titan whipped out a college scholarship for Constance courtesy of Tonic.com on her show last week.

I never went to prom, neither junior nor senior years. By my calculations, I’m overdue for a $60,000 windfall. Now the truth has caught up with you, Ellen DeGeneres, and it’s time to pay up. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume my giant check got lost in the mail, because over the years, I’ve been awfully good to you. I was there from Day 1 of “These Friends of Mine” and later when it morphed into “Ellen.” My grandma bought me your book and comedy CD. I stuck by you after the coming-out show in the fourth season dubbed “The Puppy Episode,” which caused many viewers to turn away because it was seriously prejudiced against kittens and cat lovers and you of all people should know better. Then there was “The Ellen Show” – not your best work, dear. But we forged ahead, you and I. And we went on to accomplish amazing things, such as becoming the face of Cover Girl, Oscar-worthy voice work in “Finding Nemo,” a judgeship on “American Idol” and the lesbian domination of daytime TV. Well done, us.

Why the long hair, Portia? To hide bite marks on your jugular, perhaps?

I thought we were cool until it came to my attention that you didn’t fork over thousands of dollars that are rightfully mine. I sat in the front row for your stand-up show in Cleveland 10 years ago, and we locked eyes. Did that mean nothing to you? Or were you just glamouring me like a vampire on “True Blood”? Not that I think you’re a vampire. Probably. I mean, you look younger and hotter than you used to, and immortality’s a telltale indicator of vampirism. If you’re feeding off the life essence of the effervescent Portia de Rossi, well, can’t say I blame you. Live and let die, Paul McCartney and I always say.

But do you know what I blame you for, possible bloodsucker Ellen DeGeneres? Not paying me for not going to prom.

As it turns out, Constance and her galpal are going to prom after all. Two, apparently. Although the judge stopped short of ordering her high school to reinstate the April 2 event, parents are organizing a private prom, which is open to all pupils, and a second dance is being planned by the Mississippi Safe Schools Coalition, an advocacy group for gay students.

Therefore, Constance most definitely is *not* entitled to $30,000 – unlike me, who bravely blazed a trail in 1998 and 1999 by not going to prom and suppressing secret longings for the most famous likely undead dyke in the world, long before Constance was born. I think it’s clear who the true pioneer is. I’m not going to toot my own horn. It’s wrong to gloat. I’m a modest person. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions. I trust you’ll do the right thing.

But it was totally me. I’m the fearless crusader. Show me the money, Ellen DeGeneres.

P.S. Boss, if you’re reading this, now that I’ve learned that not doing something is a valuable skill, I’d like to be compensated for not working. Please consult payroll. Also boss, I’d like to get paid with supersized checks for not working – like the sort that are presented to real gay heroes who don’t go to prom and may or may not be mythical vein-draining demons. Real gay heroes like me. Keep direct-depositing the dinero into my account, though. Jumbo checks are more for show, and I would prefer to continue not going to the bank and not wasting time when I could be doing other lucrative things. Such as not working. And not going to prom. Again.

21 Comments leave one →
  1. redg_rl permalink
    March 27, 2010 12:33 AM

    i too skipped prom & would also like 30,000. i just didn’t feel like dealing with the politics of teen b.s. more than anything else. how about a check for standing up for any & all principles? that would come in awfully handy for me when i lose my job.

  2. Carol Spy permalink
    March 27, 2010 6:48 PM

    I skipped prom too, and although I clearly missed out on $30,000, I think it makes up for it that I now have lifetime rights to say: ” Prom? Oh no, I didn’t go. I was WAY too cool and disillusioned with high school to go to prom.”

    • March 27, 2010 8:51 PM

      Oh … right. I was absolutely making a statement by not going to prom. It *definitely* wasn’t because I was homely, overweight and awkward. No siree. Just standing up for what I believe in. Twice.

      From the feedback so far, I’m sensing that a lot of people have been wronged by blood-thirsty and ageless Ellen DeGeneres. I feel a court fight coming on. Post a comment retelling your righteous tale of not going to prom, and get in on the class-action lawsuit …

      • Carol Spy permalink
        March 28, 2010 2:30 AM

        Oh yeah, that’s what I’m saying. I was too cool, not too homely, tall and awkward. Not at all.

  3. MirtoP permalink
    March 28, 2010 12:50 AM

    My high-school class – all boys – voted not to have a prom because we deemed it an outdated, sexist institution. It was 1971 at a just-starting-to-go-coed former (almost) all-boys school. I think each of us in my class deserves $30G for our early solidarity with what was then called ‘women’s lib.’ Hear us roar, Ellen!

    • Carol Spy permalink
      March 28, 2010 2:28 AM

      Ha, this is hilarious! I hope at least some of you got lucky anyway as a reward for your principles.

  4. March 28, 2010 3:49 PM

    Awesomeness.

  5. Melanie permalink
    March 28, 2010 9:45 PM

    I’m sorry, but I don’t think a vampire would be caught dead – ahem – in argyle.

  6. March 29, 2010 4:34 PM

    as excited as I am about you becoming BFFs with Ellen and that saucy minx, Portia, I’m even MORE excited about the next installment of ‘a…wc’

  7. March 29, 2010 8:16 PM

    I was neither homely, overweight, or tall in high school, but I was really, really gay. And girlfriendless. So I skipped prom both years, too. I don’t recall how I spent junior prom, but I distinctly remember senior year. My mom took me clothes shopping at the mall (I got baggy cargo pants and a studded belt), and then I treated her to ice cream from UDF. Yes, I was ultra-cool back then.

    I’ve been in touch with Liz Feldman, a former writer for The Ellen Show who was recently hired as a screenwriter for that new Betty White sitcom, “Hot in Cleveland.” Liz is a BU alum, and I’m writing a story about her for the alumni magazine. I’ll be sure to ask her to tell Ellen that she owes a bunch of people $60,000.

  8. alexandria permalink
    March 30, 2010 1:20 AM

    i went to prom. and i think ellen should give me $60k for _that_.

  9. March 30, 2010 8:34 AM

    Wow. Who knew there was a living to be made in being gay and not going to Prom? If only I had known that earlier in life…

  10. Paul permalink
    March 30, 2010 11:54 AM

    I went to prom twice in high school (Overrated. You missed nothing.) but both times the girls I went with had boyfriends who weren’t in school so I was the lucky “such a good friend”. Oh, and the second time I went I didn’t even know she had a boyfriend until the after party at her house.

    That has to be worth at least a grand from Ellen right?

  11. March 30, 2010 9:30 PM

    F***ing hilarious! And I totally agree: Ellen is a vampire. It’s how she gets all the hot chicks. I went to my prom and, frankly, I think I deserve $30,000 for having to spend several drunken hours pretending to have a good time.

  12. R2D2 permalink
    March 30, 2010 10:03 PM

    I just saw the prom as a party for which people get overdressed and I think the gals have the better end of the stick for that deal. We get to wear what we want, while the guys are in uniform. I went twice when I was a sophmore and a senior. And I didn’t want to go with my dates either time and subsequently avoided them all night. Senior year, I ended up hanging out a Dunkin’ Donuts in my gown. I think you missed out on a lot Jess…hanging out at fast food establishments in black tie garb…the $60,000 is more valuable. Good decision, Jess.

  13. meluhnee permalink
    March 30, 2010 11:03 PM

    I went to prom all four years of high school. I’m completely certain that $30,000 would come nowhere near being compensation enough to fulfill the emotional scars I obtained from these events. In fact, I may be willing to pay at LEAST $30,000 for removing these memories from my noggin. Just saying.

  14. March 31, 2010 1:08 AM

    I went to prom my senior year. I was very very tall and I wore a lavendery pink Gunne Sax dress. Fortunately my prom date was taller than I was. Oh and did I mention that I went to the Junior/Senior prom with a graduate student of my father’s? Yeah, I totally did. Lest you think this made me cool, let me elaborate. Hot college student at the prom is cool. Skinny graduate student in Mechanical Engineering who spends the whole prom building a tower out of cards from an Uncle Wiggly game with my friend Bernie…trying to make the structure secure enough that it will hold a lit candle….not so cool. My dad was his adviser. He had been talking to my Dad a lot because his parents were getting a divorce and my Dad is a good listener. He seemed like a nice boy. So my Dad asked him to take me to prom. On the plus side, he did have his own car.
    I’m not saying this merits $30,000. But I’d say about sixteen hundred would do.

  15. March 31, 2010 11:06 AM

    I went to my senior prom, not the junior one though, but I still think I am owed money because it sucked. Seriously, I think since that girl gets 2 proms and I’m not even a lesbian I should still get money. Plus I have to work on top of it. What kind of crap is that? I don’t even get to stay home and watch Ellen whom I love. So clearly Ellen should be paying me otherwise her viewership is going to go down….hello?!?!?

  16. bionelly permalink
    March 31, 2010 9:27 PM

    I didn’t go to my Junior prom, and while I did go to my Senior prom, I spent all but about 10 minutes of it sitting outside playing Magic: The Gathering with my date (who I wasn’t “dating”, either; we went together basically because we’d known each other since we were two and didn’t really have any options for “real” dates.) I think Ellen owes me at least $50,000, under the circumstances.

  17. sebastian melmoth permalink
    June 6, 2010 1:21 AM

    “immortality’s a telltale indicator of vampirism”

    … very astute. but did you not go to the prom because you had a lesbian date lined up … ? or because you had NO DATE … ! Cos really, having no lesbian date to the prom is just sad. I mean, you have a sister, don’t you? also, you can cash those big checks. really. but in your case, i would opt for the ceremonial TINY check. like those Bibles etched on the head of a pin. that would be a cool check. and do vampires get prom dates? also, can you take your cat to the prom?

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