Ellen DeGeneres owes me $60,000 and might be a vampire – not that there’s anything wrong with that
Around the world, 18-year-old lesbian Constance McMillen is being hailed as a hero for standing up for equal rights. Earlier this week, with the American Civil Liberties Union by her side, a federal judge ruled the Itawamba County, Miss., school board violated the Constitution by canceling prom for all students instead of letting her wear a tuxedo and invite her girlfriend.
I’m lauding her, too, because by staying true to herself and taking her crusade against discrimination to the media, she alerted me to the fact that kids who don’t go to prom receive $30,000 oversized checks from Ellen DeGeneres. The television titan whipped out a college scholarship for Constance courtesy of Tonic.com on her show last week.
I never went to prom, neither junior nor senior years. By my calculations, I’m overdue for a $60,000 windfall. Now the truth has caught up with you, Ellen DeGeneres, and it’s time to pay up. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume my giant check got lost in the mail, because over the years, I’ve been awfully good to you. I was there from Day 1 of “These Friends of Mine” and later when it morphed into “Ellen.” My grandma bought me your book and comedy CD. I stuck by you after the coming-out show in the fourth season dubbed “The Puppy Episode,” which caused many viewers to turn away because it was seriously prejudiced against kittens and cat lovers and you of all people should know better. Then there was “The Ellen Show” – not your best work, dear. But we forged ahead, you and I. And we went on to accomplish amazing things, such as becoming the face of Cover Girl, Oscar-worthy voice work in “Finding Nemo,” a judgeship on “American Idol” and the lesbian domination of daytime TV. Well done, us.
I thought we were cool until it came to my attention that you didn’t fork over thousands of dollars that are rightfully mine. I sat in the front row for your stand-up show in Cleveland 10 years ago, and we locked eyes. Did that mean nothing to you? Or were you just glamouring me like a vampire on “True Blood”? Not that I think you’re a vampire. Probably. I mean, you look younger and hotter than you used to, and immortality’s a telltale indicator of vampirism. If you’re feeding off the life essence of the effervescent Portia de Rossi, well, can’t say I blame you. Live and let die, Paul McCartney and I always say.
But do you know what I blame you for, possible bloodsucker Ellen DeGeneres? Not paying me for not going to prom.
As it turns out, Constance and her galpal are going to prom after all. Two, apparently. Although the judge stopped short of ordering her high school to reinstate the April 2 event, parents are organizing a private prom, which is open to all pupils, and a second dance is being planned by the Mississippi Safe Schools Coalition, an advocacy group for gay students.
Therefore, Constance most definitely is *not* entitled to $30,000 – unlike me, who bravely blazed a trail in 1998 and 1999 by not going to prom and suppressing secret longings for the most famous likely undead dyke in the world, long before Constance was born. I think it’s clear who the true pioneer is. I’m not going to toot my own horn. It’s wrong to gloat. I’m a modest person. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions. I trust you’ll do the right thing.
But it was totally me. I’m the fearless crusader. Show me the money, Ellen DeGeneres.
P.S. Boss, if you’re reading this, now that I’ve learned that not doing something is a valuable skill, I’d like to be compensated for not working. Please consult payroll. Also boss, I’d like to get paid with supersized checks for not working – like the sort that are presented to real gay heroes who don’t go to prom and may or may not be mythical vein-draining demons. Real gay heroes like me. Keep direct-depositing the dinero into my account, though. Jumbo checks are more for show, and I would prefer to continue not going to the bank and not wasting time when I could be doing other lucrative things. Such as not working. And not going to prom. Again.