Jesus doesn’t want me to shave my legs. And I hope there’s “Sex and the City” in hell.
A gal can curl up alone with her cats on the couch after work late at night watching the collector’s edition box set of “Sex and the City” while eating dark chocolate morsels by the fistful and not shaving her legs for only so long.
And by “so long,” I mean “about 40 hours.” Because with 94 episodes, most at 25 minutes a pop, that’s how long the box set is. Not including DVD extras and deleted scenes.
After rewatching the always-amusing antics of Carrie Bradshaw, Samantha Jones, Miranda Hobbes and Charlotte York for the hundredteenth time, I wish I could regale you with my own tales of high-society hobnobbing. Or downtown debauchery. Or really anything that doesn’t involve a 3 a.m. run to the 24-hour CVS on the corner for my favorite Aveeno therapeutic shave gel made with oatmeal for sensitive skin because I can’t stand the sight of my shaggy legs for one second longer, only to discover that they’ve stopped selling it, which is kind of like a sign from God that I definitely never should shave my legs again. The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Or maybe it’s only a sign from God if, while shaving my legs, I nick my knee and the blood slinks down my calf, so I wipe it away and then on a folded piece of toilet paper the crimson spreads slowly into a Rorschach-esque shape of the Trinity. Except I don’t really know or understand what the Trinity is, let alone what it looks like, because I was raised Jewish, so if God, who should totally know better – because, hello, he knows everything, even that now I’m a non-believer (Sorry, God) – wants to tell me something, like, say, not to shave my legs, he should just come right out and say it, or use some symbolism that I can comprehend. Like the Star of David. Or a dreidel. Or the face of Steven Spielberg. Because otherwise, I’d be all over Wikipedia, where I’d learn that, “The Christian doctrine of the Trinity teaches the unity of Father, Son and Holy Spirit as three persons in one Godhead.” And I don’t know what the fuck a “Godhead” is, but Jesus had a scraggly beard, so I think he’d probably be OK with my not shaving my legs. Jesus also wouldn’t judge me because I viewed all 40 hours of “Sex and the City” over the course of two weeks. Because he’s forgiving. Or was Jesus the accepting one, and it’s the Father who’s forgiving? Christianity is confusing. I probably should ask a priest or something. I’ve got *a lot* of questions. For starters: Who is the Mr. Big, Aiden Shaw and Aleksandr Petrovsky in the Trinity? And does Mary of Nazareth end up with her Mr. Big in the end, or does she have to wait to nail him down for the movie? (And maybe “nail him down” isn’t the most sensitive of phrases to use here. Sorry again, God.) But not the second movie. Because, major meh. Although if Mary does finally snare Mr. Big in the sequel, maybe that’s why it took place in Abu Dhabi, where Muslim women cover up head-to-ankle in burqas, and Allah only knows what sort of leg-stubble overgrowth is happening under there. Here’s my best guess: If no one’s seeing it, no one’s shaving it. That’s always been my philosophy.
Vaguely related: This is why I never read “The Da Vinci Code.”
Please pray for me.
alone ... with cats 
can’t wait to hear how others answer your questions, since I am Jewish too I can’t help you out with the answers.
Loved this!!
Am also thrilled to see you posting again!
Cat Chat http://opcatchat.blogspot.com
Maybe the message from God is “now that your leg hair is long, my child, go forth, and have it all waxed… and… prosper & stuff.” Wait, is that a line from Star Trek? I’m not sure what God says, really, because he and I don’t talk. Unless me making fun of outrageously crazy religious zealots counts as talking to God. Which it probably should since I assume he knows they exist & finds them funny, too.
Anyway, I, too, have spent more time than I’d like to admit refusing to leave my bed, eating (& drinking) unhealthy things, & crying over the ups & downs of Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, & Miranda. I’m pretty sure I tweeted about it, though. Hint, hint. Imagine how funny it would be to confuse everyone on Twitter by posting SATC episode & movie spoilers when everyone’s already seen everything anyway! Ok, that doesn’t sound all that clever. Sorry. I tried.
Bottom line: SATC is cool & laziness is next to cleanliness which is next to godliness – so I’ve heard. But go wax that shit. It’s not sexy. So sayeth the Lord.
Ok, I had to take some notes while reading your blog because theology is not my strong suit. Unless you count the fact that I give awesome Christmas presents. Which I guess suggests more that I really understand Santa better than anything else.
So anyway…there’s the trinity and there’s dreidels, but if dreidels are NOT part of the trinity does that mean that latkes are? And Steven Spielberg is really the one on the Shroud of Turin? Is that what you’re telling me? Also, I jotted down Mr. Big here, but I really don’t know what Rocky and Bullwinkle have to do with anything.
So I’m going to stick with chocolate eggs at Easter because everything else is just to complicated.
lori. holy fuck, girl. you are amazing. best. comment. ever.
I’ve heard that owners start to resemble their pets after a while – you’re simply starting from the ground up.
I’m sure your cats have very nice legs too
I will say a prayer for you:) Good luck with your blogging!
you are hilarious. i love your post. as a church drop-out and recovering charismaniac and still a believer in christ, i think you are right on the money. xo
charismaniac, lol, I also used to be one of those, luckily I ditched the mania, toned down the charisma and clung onto the only thing that was good – grace!
Your post was filled with really interesting associations, it was a pleasure to read. I really can’t answer none of the questions, but I know that the hairs are natural and shaving or waxing them is just a fashion trend considered attractive by today’s society, tomorrow may be different 🙂
Hilarious. I don’t think anyone could arguing with your reasoning. And it was said: Repent and return your razors….
Sorry, I didn’t get you. Are you any religion, mostly anti-Christianity, or am I wrong? I couldn’t go through all you have to say but since I am a Christian and didn’t like very much what I read so far, would be better to have better clarification first, before a further and more appropriate comment.
I think her post isn’t about what she is and isn’t, it’s just meant to be satire on her love of Sex and the City. It’s not meant to be taken seriously.
Why she is satirizing God?! Does she make a better job?
I’m with Joy on this one. Great fun!
I’m sad about the confusion that Christian teaching has created but unless we try to communicate rather than rant we will always give reason for confusuon and satire.
This was a great read even if (from my faith perspective) tinged with sadness.
But then I wrote about Harry Potter, so what do I know.
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
sorry, the e-mail is… distillingwordpress@gmail.com
Good luck with everything! Prayed for you!
Hey dude. Not baggin’ on ya, but isn’t saying “Good luck…” and then praying is sort of an oxy moron! My belief is that if you believe God is the creator of the Universe and He sent His son to die for us all and then we shouldn’t believe in luck or coisndence. 🙂 I am one who is desiring that Christ followers rid ourselves of being “politically correct” and eliminating verbage such as “good luck” and other phrases along those lines. Just something to chew on mentally maybe.
Blessings in Him,
Kevin 🙂
Its interesting that you believe
when one person (the “you” above mentioned) believes in God
then EVERYONE (the “we” above mentioned)
“shouldn’t believe in luck or [coincidence].”
Doesn’t seem to make much sense that one’s personal beliefs should determine all others’.
I understand what you are saying though. Just seemed a bit random, especially in reference to a comment that isn’t overtly religious. You don’t have to believe in God to say a prayer.
And no, I’m not “baggin'” on ya, but only because I’m not entirely sure what that term means.
I hate to shave…but I like to be shaven, Ah, the modern dilemma of the single girl.
Crystal
http://www.crystalspins.com
Girl, I’m with you on that one! 😉
I think you are hilarious, mostly because your brain cells refuse to line up in size order or take instruction from anyone. If we all thought like that, utilyzing unruly brain cells, we would be laughing ourselves into a coma and we would all have hairy legs and it wouldn’t matter. And we would especially not be wasting time thinking about whether God existed, because we would know that we made it all up anyway. And I can say this with full knowledge, even though I have never even watched one episode of SATC.
wise words! nothing really matters…especially on TV! that’s probably why it’s so intoxicating.
I can say this “with full knowledge”. Yet another proud, arrogant comment from lifeinthebloomerlane! Like most God-rejectors you contradict yourself and don’t realize the irony of saying something to the effect of “There is no absolute truth and I know this absolutely!” Hilarious once again! (Perhaps “Lifeinthedenialzone” would be more appropriate…)
LOL.
You’re lovely. Congrats on the freshly pressed!
At least your cats didn’t start hiding your bic razor in the ugliest pair of shoes you own- that’s happened to me and I couldn’t even start to interpret what the cosmos was trying to tell me with that one.
You’re abosolutely hilarious! I really enjoyed this 😀
Hilarious. Thank you!
You had me hysterically laughing at “nail him down”! Too funny! Thanks for the laugh and I’m certain the God also has a sense of humor, just take a look around at us humans! 🙂
Sorry, that’s not part of God’s “sense of humor”! He sent his only Son to suffer and to die for the sins of a rebellious creation. Not too funny no matter how you look at it.
Dude, God made the GIRAFFE! If that’s not one liberal sense of humor, I don’t know what is!
Lordy Lordi…please take a breather. Gaia would not have made knock-knock jokes if She didn’t want us laughing!
Who are you to limit God? He made us in His image.
The fact that we can laugh at ourselves means that He too can laugh at Himself.
He’s forgiving, sure, but He is also angry, wrathful, jealous, mournful….the list goes on and on. With all those serious emotions and the responsibility of the world resting on Him, I’d hope he would take the time to laugh.
If YOU didn’t think it was funny, say so.
But don’t speak for God’s humor.
Sorry but God is not jealous, He is perfect. He has nothing to be jealous about. But I’d agree that he laughs because He is loving. But He and other believers most definitly should not laugh at jokes at His expense in any way.
But I also realize that others pick and choose what to believe and go their own way which is why we have free will. So to each their own = ) But He is almighty and Perfect in every way!
Who knows, maybe it was a sign that the last ticket to heaven was sold? 😛
anyway, my friend got attacked by a seagull, and she shaves her legs regularly… so you see, bad things happen to shaved people 🙂
http://www.sunshinediary.wordpress.com
This is hilarious! The post and the image.
I always nick my knee…and behind the knee…and the ankle…and everywhere else.
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
I just had the biggest laugh of my life hahahah.
[nail him down] yap that part really got me on the floor and tears in my eyes said hello ^^
Let’s just hope God can forgive uss all for watching the greatest show ever non stop!!
Congrats
Very funny post! And yay for both cats and SATC in hell!
If it wasn’t for Samantha Jones I wouldn’t even know what you are talking about – if anyone asks, I thought Sex and the City was a special about Tiger on Sportsnet
Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
I wouldn’t be the biggest fan of SATC … or at all actually, so I’d say Carrie Bradshaw – with her ugly hair, ugly clothes (sorry, ladies, but a ballerina tutu is hardly appropriate attire for a woman over 35) and her inability to stop whining about “Mr. Big” 50 times per episode – is more like the Judas to self-respecting women everywhere… who would, I guess play the part of Jesus and maybe the disciples too, but to a smaller degree… Wait, maybe she’s just the anti-Christ?… and Charlotte is more like the Virgin Mary….and Samantha would HAVE to be Mary Magdalene… Oh, I give up! You’re WAY better at this than I am. 🙂
I look forward to more of your ponderings and cat-influenced philosophy. 🙂
Natina
http://humansareassholes.wordpress.com/
http://crosswordcharlie.wordpress.com/
You are my hero. I love you. You’re welcome.
Funny post. If you have some questions about the Trinity, however, come on over and we’ll chat. I hate it when websites like Wiki use weird words to try to describe something in the Bible.
The Bible never uses the word “Godhead”, so I’m not sure where we got that!
Both forgive because of what Jesus did on the cross, dying an unjust and undeserved death, paying the price for our sin.
I’m not for sure where people got into praying to Mary…scripture never tells us to do that. She was just fortunate enough to hold the child of God in a virgin body. God never said to pray to any person.
God: created the world, alongside the Holy Spirit and Jesus.
Jesus: God made flesh to live on earth. He lived a perfect life and died an unjust death. He died for our sin rather than his own (see sacrificial system God established way before Christ, ended by Christ).
Holy Spirit: Jesus’s (therefore God’s) own spirit who can live in us after we receive his forgiveness/are cleansed from our sin. We still sin, but it’s paid for by the death of Jesus, once we receive His gift of salvation.
As to a commenter’s suggestion: I don’t know how any person could make up Bible prophecy. If you look at what people wrote in and how it played out thousands of years later…all of it adding up to one beautiful story. No one or even group of people could write anything that good!
I hate for anyone to be confused. Hell is described as utter darkness and torment and isolation and pain…there will be no amusement for anyone. It’s for people who choose to deny the death Christ died for us and try to live “good lives” on their own merit. No of us deserve heaven except Christ, and we can only receive it with His life in us. God created salvation to bring us into restored relationship with him.
Well, that’s all. I just felt a responsibility here. Continue enjoying fun reading and writing now! LOL
there is no such thing as sin or sinners…get over yourself.
well Topaz…if there is no thing such as Sin or Sinners as u like to believe, then well and good :)….but what IF there is? Then What?
Do u take a Health Insurance being very assured that ur gonna be down with some fatal illness??…No in most cases we take it just to be sure that in case we ever do, we have an insurance to bank upon, i.e. how much ever we can :)…something similar goes with having Faith….cause u never know what lies ahead 🙂
I would argue that, regardless of the existence of a god or goddess, there is sin. Sin being the intentional hurt or slight of other people.
Morality exists as a definite provable fact and in that vein whether or not there are Higher Powers is a moot point.
Also, I kinda think the point of religion is not to be an insurance policy but rather a preventative medicine. But, I can see your point.
Maggie great words…although, I do have to admit I am a bit saddened that you are a Christian and still found her post funny. Was this not offensive to you? She is spitting on our Lord…your Lord who you claim to know.
I hope I am not offending you in commenting, but I also; in your own words, “felt a responsibility here”.
Maybe you felt obligated or found it necessary to say you thought it was funny before posting truth, but how far are you willing to bend to not offend others all the while offending Him?
Honestly and truthfully this is all in His love,
Christina
@Maggie: Why are you tainting this humorous, well-written blog post with your Christianity jargon that simulates a corrupt cult? Where in the hell is this place called “Hell?” …Oh, that’s what the Christians & Muslims often wield around to threaten people with, sort of like telling someone you have free will or a choice, such as: You can agree with me and choose my only path to enlightenment or else I’ll singe your arse with a blow torch just before I throw your entire body into an eternal flame! Ha-ha! Get a grip on reality…
Anyway, on a better subject, thanks for the entertaining read.
@Perpendicular,
Why are you tainting another person’s response with your “I know everything, am an absolute authority on all things and know your wrong self righteous attitude?! You will find out soon enough all there is to know of this place called Hell and the lake of fire from personal experience. YOU are the one that should get a grip on reality!
Also, the Bible never uses the word “trinity”!
Isn’t that interesting? Its used so much, you’d think it would have come from the good book.
Great comment, Maggie! You can laugh and accept others with differing beliefs (a rare commodity in this age,) and you’re open to talking about your beliefs if others are interested.
I admire that! You explained the basic concept of Christianity briefly and without attacking anyone. I wish others were more like you!
Personally, I am more spiritual than religious, though I was raised Christian and have a strong foundation and knowledge of it.
But I think your comment has a refreshing grace to it to which many Christians should take note .
lot of talk about what you accepted you don’t know…If you can fully undertstand trinity you should part of it. The finite(u n me) cannot comprehend the infinite(trinity) by ourself. It takes revelation from God .I pray that God will reveal himself to you.
May be you ll get to understand something from this.
And THAT is why I don’t watch Sex And The City or go to church. Yeah, I know, I’m not making sense, again, but really, I CAN ONLY DO SO MUCH.
I learned in Catholic school that the Trinity looks like a shamrock. Mystery solved.
s
I draw the line at Sex in the City 2. Now that’s hell on earth
Love your post. I live in an area where there are a number Mennonites, some of them recent arrivals from Russia. They don’t cover their hair but wear little, firm headgear and those totally non-sexy home-sewn dresses from a 17th century pattern. Whenever I see any of these women I wonder whether their great god is truly so petty that he gives one iota whether women wear those long skirts, jeans or a burqa.
And then we also have this sect here that doesn’t believe in faith healing and praying rather than medical care and doctors. Several young children have died in the last few years. When the parents of one of the deceased infants got into trouble with the police and the law upon the death of the child, guess what was the first thing they did? Yup, you guessed it! They got a lawyer. No more relying on god and praying when they were confronted with a prolonged stay in the slammer.
Last week I read a comment-maybe at WordPress–that said that if god truly exists, the atheists are problably the ones to offend him (her?) least.
http://www.wordsfromawoman.wordpress.com
correction: that does believe in faith-healing
A kingdom for an edit button!
“faith healing”
Wordsfromawoman, I hope we don’t always pick the worst case examples to build cases about the best choices for living. The Bible never says to not use doctor’s. I wish we’d make choices about faith based on what the Bible teaches rather what a mess men have made of it. And on this comment:
“Last week I read a comment-maybe at WordPress–that said that if god truly exists, the atheists are problably the ones to offend him (her?) least.”
…to say that God is not offended by people who don’t believe that He loves them, made them, and paid the price for them to have a new life with Him? That cost him the unjust and horrid death of his one and only son? I’d say to ignore that should offend Him.
“I wish we’d make choices about faith based on what the Bible teaches …”
I don’t make choices based on old, tribal FICTION.
Your last paragraph: all fiction. You don’t have a shred of proof.
If you want to continue arguing about your opinions and my opinions about religions, do so in your own blog. Let’s not detract from a fun post that was freshly pressed with bickering about things that some people believe exist.
I really can’t see athiest offending God more than those who claim him and still do wrong. There may actually be some validity to that statement, over all, there’s a big chance we either don’t offend him at all (..being all knowing/omnipotent anyway) OR we offend him EQUALLY when we’re being offendable.
Wow, i’m half way through reading these comments and i’m just going to give up!
But before i do, maggie, I found you’re earlier comment quite graceful that you expressed your belief and didn’t criticise anyone else for their beliefs. I have meet Christian people who preach but don’t exactly practice what they believe or alternatively, they do practice what they preach but then judge others who fail their morals standards.
As for wordsfromawoman yes you may not believe in Christianity or any other religion but at least you can be respectful of what others believe. I don’t think you would appreciate it if you were judged for your beliefs or non-beliefs.
Though, i completely agree with some aspects of you previous comment, its outrageous that children can die in those scenarios. However, you do tend to find that Christianity and other religions do preach good values but it can be misused and abused by people. As Maggie had mentioned, “men make a mess of it.”
And one last thing to wordsfromawoman, sorry if i offended you, that wasn’t my intention!
Also, i love the colours you used for your blog! How did you do that? I’m still very new to this blogging thing! Nd, is that paper clip story true? Very interesting! Loved it!
Very funny post, well written! I really enjoyed reading it:)
Um…
[Insert something religious here]
*shrugs* I was raised athiest – I got nothing.
Every year I watch the SATC box set from start to finish, but I’ve got to say you beat me. 6 seasons in 2 weeks is more than impressive. You’re my role model, I hope I can live up to this incredibly admirable standard someday.
I’ve got this new hairy leg regime where I let the hairs on my legs grow and grow and grow until I can actually run my fingers through what eventually seems like general forestry. Then I shave, shave, shave. So satisfying, and maybe a little bit cathartic…
Too much?
Absolutely hilarious! (In a good way..) I have no witty commentary to add for showing my deep profoundness using… words.. here. And stuff. But there’s a Like button now, so I`ll just be clicking and going far away now. Wham Bam. Live long and prosper! *does the hand-thingie*
I loved this post. I never really saw the correlation between Sex in the City, Hairy legs and Christianity before but it’s all becoming very clear.
As for the Holy Trinity I can only share what was passed on to me by one of my siblings. In order to remember the pecking order of The Father, The Son, The Holy Ghost and Mary, Mother of Jesus my sister taught it to me this way…The Big Guy, J.C., The Spook and Mary with a Cherry. As a Lesbian Catholic I know I’m going to hell anyway so might as well be blasphemous as much as possible anyway!
OK, I’m a little embarrassed that this is the first comment I’m leaving on your blog (which I love!), but I had a little meltdown when I learned that no one had Aveeno shave gel on their shelves anymore, so I contacted the makers, who told me they’d pulled it while correcting a dispensing problem, and that it will be back on the shelves by the end of the year. And I think that deserves a little hallelujah!
That is such a relief. And Aveeno totally should be paying us for this ringing product endorsement thinly veiled in a blasphemous blog post.
HAHAHA@ringing product endorsement thinly veiled in a blasphemous blog post. i think more people can should truly learn how to be so honest. positive or negative…just be honest.
Marvelous
ME, TOO! it’s my fave and i *totally* contacted the company. also? they sent me coupons. which are wonderfully old-lady-awesome. so you should, too.
very funny post. I really enjoyed it. And I agree that the second SATC movie was kinda meh.
I’ll answer your questions about God! 🙂 He is a good friend of mine!
Maggie already explained everything to you already. Please if you read these comments don’t just shrug over them, the bible is true, its not some kind of genie in a bottle where you can just pick a page and verse at random and that is what God is trying to say to you. Or because you can’t buy shaving foam, God is trying to tell you to stop shaving. Everything God tells comes from the bible, the bible is to be studied if you want to understand things. There’s alot of mis-information and false teaching that is there to mis-guide non-believers into other so called Christian religions, I would suggest that you read or listen to this sermon on the gospel http://www.gty.org/Resources/Sermons/42-122_The-Gospel-in-Perspective?q=gospel.
Hope that this helps you
oh I hope it helps you too AWC 😉
And by “so long,” I mean “about 40 hours.”
Looool, thanks man, I really needed that laugh.
Keep it going !
Thanks for the laugh. We’ll probably see each other in hell.
Reminiscent of my own recent post — but that’s not why I loved it! Shaving, shmaving … God put stubble on earth for a reason.
shave your legs, save the clippings in an envelope, and leave them in a collection plate at the nearest church. it is what was intended.
see you in hell. i’ll be tending bar…
make mine a gin and tonic daisyfae
I think you’re on pretty o.k. ground because if there is a god, then god will know that 1. It’s o.k. to not shave your legs; 2. It’s completely acceptable to watch an entire season of a tv show in a go [I’m finishing up Scrubs right now, because watching a Dr. tv show is super soothing when I’m sick], 3. Dark chocolate morsels are a sign of good in the universe.
I think Hell is a real place, which is an evident disagreement between us. To see you write of it so flippantly is difficult to see. God loves you whether you believe in Him or not. He took your sins and unbelief upon himself. If you ever want forgiveness, all you need do is ask Him.
Very cleverly written. Although I do believe in God, I also have a sense of humor! And…I LOVE Sex and the City….so, I forgive you my child…LOL!!! Seriously, your post was very well written and quite funny. It was fun to read and I hope you’ll keep up the good work.
Hooray for clever satire!
Wow what a 180 going from your funny, satirical, irreverent post to the scary land of the believers up there in the comments.
Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Sooooooooooooo…what have we learned today about blogging? Certain subjects are taken very seriously by a segment of the internet. Good luck with that 🙂
Very funny! I’ll be back for another visit soon, always looking for a good read.
Hilarious. I really enjoyed this post, but I’m quite sick of SATC! haha
Your levity was so appreciated, you just may never know. Thank you for causing a smile.
-}j{-
You write very, very well.
Are we the same person? Ha ha
Watching the whole collection of sex in the city in the course of two weeks isn’t that bad at all…i watch it all in the course of one weekend (including the first movie).
Great entry btw.
Fergit Jesus and worship the cats.They aren’t confusing,(exept when they do that cool staring-intently-at-nothing thing) they do all the thinking and world domination plotting, and we feed them and change the cat box and occasionallylet them shed on our laps.It may not be much, but it’s better than having to get up early on a sunday.( by ‘early’, the tweenager means before lunch.)
I feel ya. Anytime I’m home from school on vacation, I ultimately find myself alone with my leg stubble and buried under blankets watching Arrested Development on Netflix instant streaming for the umpteenth time. Until the looks of disgust from my mother force me to reconcile with the pathetic existence that is my life and I straggle out of bed at 4 PM.
While Sex In the City is “fun”, I hear its not too healthy for your love life (especially if your alone with cats (ha) or if have any jealous tendencies for a devoted true love). I challenge folk to read for themselves, and then they can get the answers to the questions 1st hand (the beauty of self discovery and wonder). My favorite is the Book of John, relatively a quick read. As a side note, I’m baffled by the cruelty of history and can’t understand all the wrong anti-Jewish bigotry; particularly that has arisen from some who claimed to be Christians — as Jesus was a Jew and Peter even said (in Acts) “now I know you (certain Jewish leaders who turned Jesus in) acted in ignorance”, not to mention they certainly had the help from their gentile “friends” (Romans). So please accept a Christian apology to the Jewish people for the injustices that they have incurred. Let that not, please, stand in your way from discovering Jeshua (Jesus) for yourself, who as far as I can tell is your Jewish Messiah (Christ being the English translation from the Greek which exactly means Messiah). Ted
you rock my world
also? if Steven Speilburg’s head appeared in blood, you sell that shit on ebay, woman!
All tangents of thought related to the post actually increase the author’s success.
The underlying “other” subjects was what made it interesting to several visitors, why shut down their thoughts and responses? Satire in cartoons, commentaries, and editorials face the same feedback when they address politics and religion and humor combined. Welcome to fame. You professed not understanding some spiritual things…perhaps next time add a disclaimer to us souls who care enough to take the time to share that you don’t want to know either?
For others who have asked or seem to have honest wonderings, I’ll tell you what the Bible says. For the rest of you, enjoy the humor of the post, click through to your next press, and get on with Friday night, eh? So, though God is all-knowing, he is a God who feels. He reveals this to us in Old Testament books. And, yes to the last commentor, we all offend Him. That is called sin. It’s universal, and yes, more or less equal. The Bible tells us that is exactly why we all need a Saviour, and that’s why He sent Jesus…to live a perfect life so that he could die and take the punishment for our sins on himself. All we have to do is receive it. He asks us to turn from those sins with His patience and help.
The Smithsonian institute itself calls the Bible a key guide to history. It claims that no other literature dates back as far or has as many clues to ancient civilizations. It is constantly being proven by archeology and is confirmed by other ancient writings as a legitimate work of history. It is one of the most rich scientific manuals to the world.
Again, great writing! Thanks for causing so many to smile (and perhaps contemplate other sidelines). Sorry for the time. I won’t bother you again.
My legs are all scraggly and patchy, like a forest that’s suffered a bushfire.
I’m 14, I’ve only shaved a couple times, not enough for it to start growing back properly ^^;
And it’s Winter in Australia anyway, so it’s trackpants and long socks for me.
I don’t like Sex And The City, but I have seen it, and your ramblings were just fantastic and hilarious.
Photoshopped picture is great.
Trinity? Godhead? If anything I’m more lost than you, I was raised with no religion whatsoever, I guess ‘agnostic’.
It’s quite frustrating to see the serious replies from Christians.
Your post is so funny, and it’s hard to understand people with a different sense of humour, or no sense of humour.
And I find the whole Hell stuff to be… rude, for lack of a better word.
If I’m going to burn in Hell, I’d rather not be reminded of it all the time =/ sheesh.
I know your post is satire, but thought I would share this website anyway in case you really do have questions. I hope you have a nice weekend.
http://www.equip.org
Also, http://www.gotquestions.org is pretty good.
Wonderful!
Great entry – keep writing!
Epilator??? Works great and no blood, but that would bring an end to your messages from God via Rorschach, so never mind.
But wait…it is more painful than shaving and wasn’t the idea of self-flagellation religiously popular back in the day?
Works for the Sex and the City too…I remember thinking when I watched the show how much Carrie must have been into self-inflicted agony with the whole “Big” drama.
At any rate, I’ve never read a blog post I enjoyed more! You’re a great writer!!!
http://mariamorta.wordpress.com
I am slaved for about ten years. Your concerns are the last things I would like to have think of, but I need you to read my website and help me restoring my human status, lost by end of 2001 when I denounced crime in AU to the right authorities in the right time. I am attacked, with worst crimes ever, by the own authorities for defence of legality and rights in the world since back then. With me, quite a few people. Hundreds of thousands are dead now because of their abuse of power, megalomania, and thought that they ‘are God’, believe it or not. We all need your help, past and current victims. Giving me justice, getting this all in the press the right way is your best protection, so that you do not end up slaved or mutilated or others by these maniacs. Please rush to help. Special attention to the page on ‘how to help’ of mine. Rush. Spreading is also help, just obviously not enough help.
There will be no “Sex and the City” in hell. Just the gnashing of teeth, extreme pain, no hope, no friends and no relief. You better laugh it all up now while you can…
Oh, for the love of God! I’ll shave your legs, for cripes sakes!
Story of my life. Except for me, it’s watching Hotel Babylon (you should definitely watch that show…it’s awesome) on netflix for hours at a time eating butterscotch candy. But the not-shaving-my-legs thing…that’s one thing we have in common.
Well I’ve seen the first season of hotel Babylon and let me just say it’s awesome!
I absolutely love Jackie ^^
Share the good news about salvation. Read more >>> http://thegreenwhitered.wordpress.com/
Would be ever possible you separate Christ from anything else your are saying? Is that only to get more visitors?
lol i liked your perspective on leg-shaving. Agreed!
http://pinkcyanide.wordpress.com/
Hell is not a laughing matter.
The sequel is filmed in Morocco.
This is so weird I was thinking about Jesus when I decided not to shave my legs today thats too funny. I was like whatever God made me this way, Jesus looks good and he doesn’t shave, its cool.
I feel like God doesn’t want you to shave your legs during the wintertime because there’s no way you can wear anything to expose them without freezing them off… and I’ll never get the Carrie/Mr Big connection. But, yet, I watched it to see if she’d ever come to her senses seeing he’s a real dumbass. Foolish me, she never got it.
Funny post, it’s been quite a journey from the top of the page all the way down to the bottom – through all those comments – phew I’m tired now! Congrats on being freshly pressed and on generating so much discussion, in terms of writing this post is a blazing success.
I enjoyed SATC, and I momentarily mourned the loss of a great series when it ended until discovering Nip/Tuck. I also mourned the loss of Nip/Tuck when it ended until discovering Dexter … I hope I will find another suitable replacement once I’ve raced through all five seasons.
As for shaving my legs – they have not seen the light of day in months (It’s winter where I live), and consequently they are very fluffy, which I prefer over hard prickly stubble – the more you shave, the more manly the stubble becomes.
Hmm, this commetn has nothing to do with this post. I just wanted to ask you if it was intentional, in the about us section, to write: ‘I put food on my family.’
Funny blog 🙂
It’s a reference to one of my favorite Bushisms: “You’re working hard to put food on your family.”
Hilarious as always. 😉
is it blasphemous that i don’t like ‘sex and the city’? or almost any other tv, for that matter? should i consult with my rabbi? do i have to shave my legs first?
Funny post
Ye gads, girlfriend! Bravo for taking that train to Jesus Town! Keep writing. . .
Grew up Christian – don’t like cats – but you are HYSTERICAL
Haha I love your creativity and spunk!
You’ll be surprised to know that Arab women, the modern ones atleast, beneath those burkas are bonafide sex bombs. Mini skirts and tank tops, the arab elite and shockingly dressed beneath their black cover-alls. 😛
This is gonna keep me up at night. Sooooooooooooooooooo freakin sexy.
Pretty funny post! However, no such things as atheists! I’ll be praying for ya!
That. Is. Awesome.
(hi! you don’t know me, and I don’t know you, but still.)
ROCK ON!
http://ultimatepreparedness.wordpress.com/
TO MY FELLOW CHRISTIANS READING THIS BLOG:
To pound out scripture to someone who has clearly stated their stance and opinions as being different than ours, is counter-productive and a waste of energy. NOT because your wrong, or they are ‘lost’ or ‘damn’ or anything your imagination goes wild with, but more so because it totally defeats the over-all-point of reading and experiencing some one else views (..i mean c’mon…if you couldn’t tell by the TITLE of this blog what to expect –that’s just straight up denail)
as for your desire to spread ‘the gospel’, i think we should all ask ourselves two questions:
1) are we spiritual advisor level (aka in the pulpit every sunday/saturday) or still taking classes?
2) if someone doesn’t believe in what we believe are they lost/doomed to go to “hell”?
knock yourself out answering the first question…. but before you answer the second one; you should read this break down of scripture that clearly states that” NO…NON BELIEVERS ARE NOT DOOMED BECAUSE THEY DON’T BELIEVE IN WHAT WE BELIEVE”.
click here to read what i’m talking about: http://www.internetchurchofchrist.org/pearl-doallnonchristiansgotohell.html
————————————————————————————————————–
as for alonewithcats…..i think the combination is clever — being a guy, i can’t really relate to the leg-shaving issues, but the comparisons of characters is interesting, and if anything this is a very well written entry (reguardless if i agree with everything said or not…good writing is STILL good writing). indeed.
@ Black Atticus,
Hi, I would LOVE to answer your questions…
1) **Verse taken from Matthew 28:19 “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations…”
**Verse taken fron Mark 16:15 “And He said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature.”
**Verse taken from 1Peter 2:9 “But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;”…
Now you ask…”Well, who are His chosen…royal priesthood…holy nation?” Ok…from the start His original chosen people were of course Isreal, but now after Jesus His “chosen people” are now open to all Christians…royal priesthood – this isn’t just meant for those that are “behind the pulpit or taking classes” as you stated…it’s a Christian in unity with Christ…holy nation – again…His Christian believers.
Ok…I could go on & on and list more scripture, but I’m sure you can agree that it is indeed VERY Biblical based on scripture to share the Gospel even with “someone who has clearly stated their stance and opinions as being different than ours”, as you stated.
So, to answer your question to #1…Ummm, actually I’m not sure it was really a question or rather you posing your opinion on who is qualified to share the Gospel and who isn’t. But, ALL Christians are qualified to share the Gospel Mr. Black Atticus. ALL Christians are supposed to be sharing the Gospel…Jesus has told us to. And, that wasn’t a suggestion…He has called us to.
2) Yes, if someone passes away into the next life without God they will sadly be spending all of eternity apart from Him, that is an eternity in hell.
**Verse taken from John 8:12 “Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.”
**Verse taken from John 14:6 “Jesus said to him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.”
**Verse taken from Acts 4:12 “Nor is there salvation in any other, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.”
**Verse taken from 1 Timothy 2:5 “For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men, the Man Christ Jesus”
Black Atticus, there is much more scripture on this subject and you being a “professing Christian” ought to know this. And, if you are indeed a Christian, a true follower of Christ than you yourself should believe that without Christ there is no Heaven in store for their eternity but only hell. And, that reason right there should be enough to make a Christian want to go out and share the gospel with others. Not because you’ve spent years in seminary, not because you stand behind a pulpit on Sundays, not because you think you’re a super genius with a highly educated brain in Theology, but because your own gift of salvation from Christ is worth sharing with those that are lost. Because in spite of who you are and what you have done against God, He still chose to open up your heart and awaken you to the truth, not because you deserved it…but because He is rich in mercy. Share with those that are living without Him, because if they continue on that way, they will be dead without Him…in more ways than one.
Love others and His precious gift more than yourself and your pride and share Him!
All in His love,
Christina
@Christina
I think you overlooked my FIRST LINE/THESIS STATEMENT; i wasn’t saying to NOT spread the gospel, i was saying to ‘pound out scripture to someone who doesn’t believe is counter productive’. God blesses us all in many way and give us all many different gifts…be it visual art, cooking, communicating, craftsmanship, etc. Through my fellowship with other brothers and sisters in Christ, when they shine in their gifts, then I’ve noticed, more and more people (believers and non) tend to see God in their works, in their expressions, in their being. If the gift is NOT in ‘scripture relayng, and preaching’ then admit it; because WORDS aren’t a tool to be takenly lightly and neither is the role of spiritual guiding — if you can guide me BETTER by ‘showing me a sermon’ rather than ‘speaking one’, then DO SO by all means.
The simple fact you stated:
“Ok…I could go on & on and list more scripture — there is much more scripture on this subject and you being a “professing Christian” ought to know this.” <– only fuels my point even further. at WHAT point am I so supposed to have this vast knowledge of scripture and be able to list on & on as well? SOON as I accept Christ?! Or would I need TIME spent with the Word to gather all this knowledge and place it up for any debate when challenged upon my belief? Did you just wake up one day and HAVE IT?! — i don't think so and pretty sure by now u see my point. EVERYONE isn't at 'speak on it' level…and to see a brigade of random scripture tossed out in the spirit of.."i feel sorry for you" or "you're so lost" or even "i genuinely care about the well being of your spirit" is STILL rather unecessary.
I believe praying people is the MOST we could EVER do for some one in their lifetime (and i definitley know it's the MOST anyone could ever do for me in a JAM) …however..when I SEE people say it to someone else (particularly in this blog and others like it) it's uh..usually in this spirit of sarcastic, petty lashing out; "i'mma pray for you", and THAT'S not progressive — to take somethng so seriously powerful as prayer and break it down quarelling tools.
TRUE ACTS OF LOVE are done without any form of expectation. you don't need a thank you a 'F-you', some praise, a diss, nothing….and certainly don't need to ANNOUNCE what you're going to do all the time, if the effort is genuine. I've prayed for people who have no idea, and if something goods come out of it, they STILL don't know I was among those praying them; just as I'm sure, it's happened for me….the fact i'm still breathin' when i shouldn't be (for instance).
As for the ROOT of my points against spreading gospel, let me say that OVER ALL, it's not about them, you, me spreading gospel as it is HOW they go about spreading gospel. Sharing links and puttin' the 'oh you so lost' stamp on it, isn't what I call effective, spiritually or intellectually.
Black Atticus,
No, I don’t feel I misread your first statement…
You stated, “To pound out scripture to someone who has clearly stated their stance and opinions as being different than ours, is counter-productive and a waste of energy.”
This statement; in your own words says that scripture is meaningless and useless for those that are unbelievers. How can you even believe this to be true, as a professing Christian? And, my quoting scripture was for you…a professing believer…so, I thought I wasn’t “wasting my energy” with a non-believer, but helping a fellow Christian understand the importance of sharing the Gospel based on scripture that us Christians find precious on hold close as truth. I’m sorry my scripture reciting was offensive for you.
Also, you asked, “At WHAT point am I so supposed to have this vast knowledge of scripture…?” Black Atticus, do you read your Bible? This is not meant to be a rude judgmental question at all…I’m asking seriously. If you read your Bible like you should, you find many different truths almost every time you open it. I am amazed at the new things that I find. Plus, I so promise you I am not good with “scripture relayng, and preaching” as you put it…but, I do have a Bible…and all I need to know is right in there. Use the internet to assist you in searches for different subjects, or go to trusted Biblical preachers (I for one really enjoy Pastor John MacArthur, R.C. Sproul, John Piper, a really great web/podcast called ‘Wretched Radio’ w/Todd Friel, & even an evangelical program called ‘The Way of the Master Program’ w/Ray Comfort & Kirk Cameron). You don’t have to be “gifted” on scripture recital to recite scripture…just know what it means so that you can stand behind it. God doesn’t call super geniuses to share about Him…Look at Moses. He calls the lowly not the proud…that way, there’s no room for man to boast…but only give all the glory to God.
One more thing on sharing and using scripture even with someone who blatantly doesn’t believe…and I’m going to have to use scripture here, ok…
Isaiah 55:11
So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
This says that His Word will NEVER return void…what does this mean? It means that they are now hearers of the truth whether or not they accept or reject it…they heard it, they are without excuse. It is never a waste of time or energy to share scripture…it’s God’s Word & His Word saves…people’s actions or good deeds alone don’t. I wish I were better at scripture reciting, I’d do it more!
You also stated in your reply to my comment, “I wasn’t saying to NOT spread the gospel…” Actually Black Atticus in your original post you said, “as for your desire to spread ‘the gospel’, i think we should all ask ourselves two questions:” And then you went on to purpose two things we should ponder before we should share…So, technically you’re right…you didn’t say Not to share, but you made a point that we should make sure we’re “qualified” to share. Where do you get this? The Bible? There’s no qualification to share…just being a true Biblical Christian.
Ok…I’d also like to respond to your “gifts, praying, & acts of love”. Yes, God does indeed gift HIS children with different types of gifts & strengths to strengthen the “body of believers” in areas that another may lack. It’s awesome & works wonderfully! Where I lack in an area someone may be strong, but where I am strong they may lack…but when we come together each using our God-given gifts/strengths we work it out and God is glorified. Ok praying…Yes, pray, pray, pray without ceasing!!! You’re right, that is a Christians biggest “tool”! I agree with you on that one! I think it’s ok to let “A lone with cats” or other non-believers know that we’re praying for them. Just saying that to them may soften their hearts to the truth. And, I also agree that’s it’s not Christian-like to do it in a negative way…”I hate you…I’ll be praying for you!” But, it is ok to say, “I disagree on your beliefs & will pray.” Now on acts of love…I’m not sure why you included this…but, I’m going to take a shot in the dark here and try to respond to this…I agree, true acts of love are done without any expectations. As a Christian we should serve others as we would serve ourselves…we are to exercise the act of selflessness & seek to put others needs before ourselves. This is a tough one because we as humans are extremely selfish!
Lat point…you said ,” it’s not about them, you, me spreading gospel as it is HOW they go about spreading gospel.” I agree with that statement whole heartedly! There are a ton of people who share in completely wrong and un-Biblical ways that are extremely offensive…but words are indeed just as important as actions. Your comment here, “if you can guide me BETTER by ‘showing me a sermon’ rather than ‘speaking one’, then DO SO by all means.” Ummm…Black Attica, what if it’s a situation such as this one…over the internet? Words are VERY effective…sometimes they are all we have. Actions are usually done over a period of time…if I just meet someone & all I have is like 5min to share God with them, you can be sure most of it will be with words…truthful words said in love.
I mean it’s great to do good unto others…God had commanded Christians to do so…but He also commanded us to speak the truth. So, love the un-loved, feed the hungry, clothe the poor…but also speak the truth!
Black Atticus: So why would Jesus suffer (well if you even believe that happened?) Why the suffering, the beating, the whipping, the crucification, the mockery, just that anyone can believe what they want and go to heaven? Now that is cruel. Seems foolish. And it is “if” Christianity is only some kind of subjective truth not an objective reality. You know the post modern type (I am sure like yourself) who can say anything about the after life and BAM it’s reality. Here is what I think about eternity….
When I die and say “I love cheese curds” and if I am eating cottage cheese then I get to spend eternity with Oprah in a sea of coconut shrimp. And here is the thing, I sincerely believe it so therefore its true! Right? Does that work in reality? No, the sincerity of your belief does not make it true but the object of your faith is what is more important. Let me ask you, “What is more important? What you belief or if what you belief is true? Well the latter is obviously the correct answer so you can deny Christ all day long. But the truth is we have lied, stolen, used His name in vain (using God’s name without respect like the original post above) and we all deserve justice. God will not just let rapist go or child molesters. I crime against God has happened and a good God will not just look at Hitler and say, “hey you tried to be good and you really REALLY believed what you were doing was good so therefore you are free to go” Nope, justice has to be served NOT just to Hitler or the rapist but to liars (Revelations 3 says that no liar will enter into the Kingdom of God), thief’s, blasphemers, so all of us but 2000 years ago Jesus (the One True God) Stepped into the court room of all those whom would repent and trust in Christ alone and paid our fine in His lifes blood. Now many people would say that is narrow minded. Are you kidding, he does not owe us a way out. Yet in His mercy he made a way. Now that is either true or its not. Cant be both. If you really thought Jesus dies for something other then your wonderful appreciation for His suffering the wrath of God on our behalf then you too would see the need to take that same message to others. But I am concerned that when pushed you dont really believe any of this to be true. It may be “true for you” but not true for everyone. Seems God could have just not punished His son and left us to make our own God in our mind, you know, one that looks like us, who is ok with everything we do and will just forgive us. A God in our own image and just to be safe we can take on jesus on the end just to seal the deal but I am affraid you have a different Jesus then the one of scripture.
But God is willing to forgive anyone of there sins if they only come to Him in faith and repentance. He will grant them every lasting life and make in them a new heart with new desires. Nobody (including me) “deserves” heaven. It is a gift of God (Ephesians 2:8-9) “For by grace are ye saved through faith and that not of yourself, it is a gift of God, not of works lest any man should boast.”
That is why Christianity is different from every other religion. The rest say, do do do, work your way there and if you do more good then bad you should be good to go.
Christianity teaches that nobody can earn it and we dont deserve it. We can boast about being great people but we can only boast in a great God who made the only way. 🙂
Why only one way? Short 7 min clip that explains it well (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDCe0IQOac4)
@ Gary
I’mma the questions that pertain to this conversation..the rest I feel you wrote to defend all of Christianity and it’s definition. I don’t think we’re really on two different pages on that end, but I think you misunderstood my stance:
So why would Jesus suffer (well if you even believe that happened?) Why the suffering, the beating, the whipping, the crucification, the mockery, just that anyone can believe what they want and go to heaven?
– – Jesus came to do what he was supposed to do for all of us…if you believe that it worked; then congratulations, you’re a Christian.
NOW…
as for the people believing what they want to believe…and the other question you asked: ““What is more important? What you belief or if what you belief is true?” — i’d have to say, i personally believe the scripture (aka the WHOLE text). and if this is true, then i also believe the story of the tower of babylon. and if the story of babylon is true, then it explains why we dont speak the same language, why we don’t say God’s name the same, and why traditions and cultural dialects are as different a 100 miles away as they are 15 minutes away… EXAMPLES:
They say “HERE” around my way, but twenty minutes from my neck-of-the-woods, they say “HEA'” and 2 hours further south, in the more ‘creole’ areas, they say “CHEA”..and all that’s just STILL within the realms of the English Language — but what about other dialects, regions, lands cultures, countries ?
How do you account for children born in pagan homes, or in countries where Bhuddism is the main religion? what do you think God does to the rastafarian’s when they die at 15 years old? To the Monks in Tibet who called Him by a different name?! — are they doomed to hell or does he judge their heart? Every pastor i’ve spoken to on this subject agrees with the latter and have pointed me out to the same scriptures i shared with you in my previous link.
Don’t get too wrapped up in thinking we’re the only one’s who’ll make it home.
@Black Atticus, not only are you deceived, but you quote from a website of someone who perverts Scripture to his liking. He said :
“IF YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IN JESUS CHRIST
AND YOU HAVE NOT HEARD THE GOSPEL OR DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT
THEN YOU ARE JUDGED BY THE NATURAL LAW (OR BY THE MOSAIC LAW
IF YOU ARE A JEW.) THE ROYAL LAW (“You shall love your neighbor
as yourself”) FULFILLS ALL THE REQUIREMENTS OF BOTH THE MOSAIC
LAW AND THE NATURAL LAW (according to Galatians 5:14). ”
I have no idea how this fool came to this conclusion when it is not in Scripture. If what he said is true, the best thing we could do is NOT bring the Good News of Christ to the ends of the earth. Because if they heard it and rejected it, they are doomed. Whereas, according to this author, IF they have not heard they are judged by the Mosaic law! What??? Where is that?? Jesus said if you broke one commandment, you broke them all! Therefore, there is none who has not sinned so ALL would fail at the Mosaic law! The ten commandments were given to be a mirror to the people showing them their sin and need of a Savior. Anyone trying to get into heaven by their own merits will perish for they can NEVER make up for their sin against a Holy God! That is the reason we needed a Savior! Otherwise, Jesus could have stayed ion heaven and let us all just work it out ourselves and see who makes it! Can’t get any more foolish than that. That is what the Scriptures refer to when it says ” There is a way that SEEMS right to a man but ends in destruction”.
One last gripe: Amazing how everyone takes humourous license mocking Jesus Christ and his death on the cross. There will be a price to pay one day whether you believe it or not. Doesn’t matter. But now, which one of you comedians is brave enough to go against Allah?????
@ Marianne; This is where I find problems in all ‘religion’ ..the gripes over interpretation are boundless. Even within the Christian community you have enough different denominantions to confuse Solomon himself. The author’s interpretation of what happens to those out of knowledge of Jesus Christ, and him calling it ‘natural/mosaic law’ is semantics when you look at the over-all addressing of the question “what happens to those who don’t know The Word?” — i really went over this answer already when i responded to GARY (the post right above your comment) in reguards to the side effects of what happened during the story of Babylon (leading to major spiritual rifts in belief) — which I don’t take completely ‘LITERALLY’ (again..interpretation) but I do take seriously… (..as I take ALL the text of the Bible)..and when I combine it with historical references (aka ‘what did the law mean at the time frame this was written; what did that particular phrase or word mean in it’s original language) it all has the same point in end.
As for The author of the link I posted..he clearly states his views on the differences between followers of Christ as opposed to those who aren’t…. and in that reguard i will not be defending his ‘every word’ for that is his interpretation; the SCRIPTURE he points out is the ONLY thing I’d stand behind as far ‘our view points being made on what happens to non believers’ — and with that, it still stands; God judges thier heart , way of life, and i’m sure a slew of other factors….either way, GOD JUDGES and we don’t — and i’m not sure what you mean by that Allah comment. i certainly hope you wasn’t serious and was just joking….cause that would just drag everything into an abyss of pointlessness ..”who wants to challenge my god?! rrr!!” lmao
@ Tina, thanks for you response, I’m glad to respond back once more….
you’re words help me to see where i was as clear as I could have been (not even sure if that was original goal; to be clear as possible) — but just as i didn’t say NOT to spread the gospel, i also didn’t say that The Word is uneffective on nonbelievers. I’m simply stating the tride-n-true reality of ‘quality over quantity’ — ‘to pound out’ or to be ‘over bearing with a SLEW of information’ is just not as effective as being ‘more accurate’ and saying what you have to say in one or two scriptures. SAME principle applies to a good teacher in a class room…students need to be fed information in DIGESTABLE portions rather than hammered out through the encyclopedia upon EVERY question.
Now.. how do you pick the best scriptures? know your word, and know it at a ‘guidance level’ — i always just view it as a ‘wreck waiting to happen’ when the wrong scripture is used toward those who don’t really KNOW IT or even know God worth two-scents. I COMPLETELY agree with this statement you made:
“There’s no qualification to share…just being a true Biblical Christian.”
and I see your point….but i doubt either one of us can disagree on it’s always better to just know what your talking about, and i’m sure we’ve all had people either in our job fields or church families, really go on tangents and never hit home after about 15 minutes of rambling. this is cool in a laid-back environment/situation, but not when trying to reach UNDERSTANDING (which is all we’re trying to reach with this back-n-forth, aye?) i think we could both learn from further scripture reading, but I must say, you have a natural debater in you!!! i’m glad to see some relevant points pitted against my own 🙂 speak truth all day, indeed!
Someone responded that your making fun of God and Jesus was just in fun and not to be taken seriously. Know this for certain, God and Jesus took what you said sreiously. God is not mocked and those who do so will find themselves on the wrong side of eternity. God is a good and loving God but He is also a just God, deserving respect, reverence and worship. All the prayers in the world won’t help you till you decide you want to change.
Exactly!
And to “Toni in Florida” who said “some believers who have a sense of humor that the rest of us can identify and appreciate”, the people she mentions are really nothing more than other “irreverent people who may label themselves as Christian but are just as lost as the “hoho hehe haha funny ones” out there. “Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” Where there is no reverential awe for the Lord, there is only blashphemy and “hell to come” like for the writer of this blog post. (Unless of course they repent, but like most of them would respond, “Never-come hell or high water” and Hell it shall be by their own choice.)
First of all, the idea of the Godheard is simple, and you actually said it somewhere in that long paragraph, it’s when you get into the details of that no human being (and I mean no one) understands it. And yes, I believe maybe you should ask a priest or a pasture about this. As a Christian, I believe it’s important to know what you do NOT delieve and why you don’t believe it. I’ll be praying for you.
This post was linked to mine (not sure why but very glad I found it) and not being a Christian I need to be reminded of who actually wrote this bible book, the one everyone keeps talking about. Because from what I remember it was written by lots of different folk and not in English.
Anyway, I’m an Epilady gal myself.
Dear Sally,
“Holy men of God spoke as they were moved by the Holy Ghost. God used men to write the Bible. It was not a dictation. The bible did not come from the desires or will of men. The answer to your question is spelled out in 2 Peter 1:21.
The word of God also states: “He that comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him. Hebrews 11:6.
Blessings on you Sally.
Roy Thomas.
Thus sayeth Keb, who is clearly himself one of the gods.
Ah Ah Ah! Very very stupid!!!
Da Vinchi Code is an interesting book and an interesting movie, which you can seee regardless of your thought on your blieve. It is my logic to decide whether I can do or not. Why do you think the book and your blief are related much?
If I’m you, I must have read the book with almost no hesitation.
Sorry… The concept of Christians and Jews are ancient compared to the Islamic concept, because only the dogma of their religion
Thanks for the laughs. Sorry ’bout the religious ranters who felt the need to rain on your parade. And glad to see there are, despite the evidence of the aforementioned ranters, some believers who have a sense of humor that the rest of us can identify and appreciate.
I like it! Very funny;-)
Ha! You’re hilarious, thanks for sharing!
You are hilarious! Also—I like the Aveeno shave gel too, and I think CVS makes their own version of it now…but maybe they took that away too?
Anyway yeah…I’m subscribing! Your cats are adorable.
http://www.retailrobot.wordpress.com
You are hilarious!
I’ll have to read your posts more often 🙂
The bleeding pattern you had was probably a better and more accurate analogy of the Trinity than most I have read/seen.
The idea is that the Trinity is the three different ‘roles’ (for lack of a better word – ‘persons’ makes it sound like God is a schizo) of the same God – the same substance.
MICHELLE OBAMA’S ALLAH-DAY
Why was Michelle Obama spreading “stimulus” money in Spain? Do you suppose Barack Hussein Obama told her he can’t get re-elected without the votes of Hispanics who aren’t American citizens and she thought he meant the non-American Hispanics living in Spain?
At least those foreigners are much better than “voters” in American cemeteries!
BTW, in 1928 Herbert Hoover’s campaign promised that if he were elected there would be “a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage.”
Well, Obama has come up with a Hoover twist and says that if he’s re-elected there will be “a chick in every car and some pot in every garage”!
For some insights into Obamessiah and his think-alikes, Google “Obama Avoids Bible Verses,” “Obama Supports Public Depravity,” “Government-Approved Illegals,” and “Imam Bloomberg’s Sharia Mosque.”
Have you noticed that America’s “Christian” president has favorites? See search engines including Google and type in “Obama Favors Islam Over Christianity.”
I wonder what will happen when Obama “comes out” and admits that he’s a Muslim!
Um.. Spam?
This comment has nothing to do with anything.
wow..talk a about a ‘copy n’ paste’ rampage
great one!
I love you and your writing *especially* because you’re so irreverent. Not the sort of thing that appeals to these Very Serious Christians, sure, but that’s what makes it so brilliant!
Your blog is hilarious, why do I never meet people like you! Damn Texas.
I was so happy to have found your fhilarious site via WP’s “fresh-pressed”, which I usually ignore. Now I get the lesbian-golf connection…thank you for the insight.
Perhaps you are going straight to H-E-double-hockey-sticks, based on those comments above. Do not pass go, do not collect $2oo, do not shave your legs.
Whatever you do, don’t stop bloggin’, just to please them, we love you just the way you are.
You SO deserve Freshly Pressed!
Hilarious!
I’m rolling on the floor!!!! This is the best post!!!! Then I really lost my shit when I read the comments that got all up-tight about it! Oh Lord, I’m really sure that God and/or Jesus is all mad and about to send lightning bolts re your Sex and the City BLOG POST while he has hypocrites out there claiming his name and persecuting others and stuff!!! hahahaha i laugh. this is why i have my own personal faith but do not claim those people as mine. okay, i just had to get that out. You are awesome, creative, and need to keep writing forever!!!! Oh, and P.S. I didn’t know there was “only so long” that I could watch TV on the couch with my cats without shaving my legs … um, should I be concerned now?
Full disclosure – I am not Lori, but her husband (a.k.a. Himself on Lori’s blog). Your blog is uproariously funny. And as an MOT (I really hate that expression, but use it from time to time to save from having to type more words than necessary, see how that works?) I too am clueless to offer an assist with any of these BIG QUESTIONS. Personally, I think god is this hamster at Petco who looked me right in the eyes the other day when I was picking up some litter and cat food. She was trying to tell me to STOP FEEDING THE DEMONS! I ignored her. I an utterly under their spell.
whoa.
Seconded…
Wow, talk about religion sure does give people some strong reactions! Love your post. More irreverance, please! Hilarious!
I have to say that I found not one thing funny about what you had to say at all…I know everyone is entitled to their own opinions and I am all for that…but I would never go out of my way to offend non-believers.
I have read all of the above comments and I am also shocked at the professing Christians that did find your post funny and unoffensive. This is shockingly offensive. You know, God has allowed us human beings the option to either accept or reject His gift of Salvation…and so, you have obviously rejected that gift. That’s your choice…but to spit on Him the way that you have done in this post is really rather disgusting!
“…does she have to wait to nail him down for the movie?” Wow, this quote of your’s is quite unbelievable! And, even so…I promise you “A lone with cats” I will be in prayer for you. In prayer for your heart and your eyes to opened to His truth.
Hahaha, you’re a LEGEND.
Wow! I’m not sure what to say. You have reached new heights of celebrity or infamy, either way: good press. I totally didn’t realize Sex and The City/Shaving your legs/The Trinity were like the trifecta for getting folks all riled up in some sort of kerfuffle! Holy Crap!
Here are my thoughts:
1) Aveeno totally let me down too: I LOVE the sensitive oatmeal stuff
2) I prefer MASH over Sex in the City so I don’t even know the folks you speak of
3) And I slept during religion class BUT I am totally sure Jesus is on your side
FUNNY! I SOOO hate shaving too!! Always bleeding all over but never thought of looking at the shape of the blood! I’m sure the God or the Goddess think your are hilarious too! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed, what shall you mock next, I’m curious to see, will be reading…
evelyngarone.com
Thank you so much for this post. I especially enjoyed the use of “nailing.”
I also admire your bravery in writing this, because God knows the number of believers that will now make it their job to remove you from the dark side.
Blessed be those with a sense of humor.
hahahha AMEN SISTER!
As for religion… ‘…let he what is without sin cast the first stone…’
I believe in the Creator… simple…
Hairy legs???… Well all I can say is wear tights OK? 🙂 I wouldn’t notice I look for what is inside not on the outside.
Save the planet because this is the only planet that has Chocolate!
Sex in the City? Don’t watch it, in fact I don’t even have a TV 🙂
This post was great fun so ignore those naysayers and do your own thing!!!
Child of the ’60’s
Wesa (that means ‘cat’ in Cherokee)
LMAO this is exactly the type of amusing rant type thing my closest girlfriends would have hahahaha love it!
OMG! I have totally fallen in heart fuzzies with your blog! I am, at this present moment, watching Sex and the City, and, having eating Crunch chocolate, have now moved on to 2 min noodles and oranges.
But, whilst eating the orange, I actually wondered why I can’t do it in that cute/sexy way that Carrie does. Oh no, instead, I have to squirt a litre of pure Vitamin C into my left eye and then squint my way through the remainding 15 min of pure awesome.
And if God/Jesus/the Trinity or Steven Spielberg do by chance pop past to answer you, please ask them why Carrie and Aiden EVER broke up?
Kick ass blog. I like!
Great Post, I enjoyed reading this.
Richard
If you really want answers to some of the questions you have, I can point you to some resources if you’d like. Some of them I may be able to answer, some of them I may not. I don’t really like discussing these things on public forums though, because they so rarely maintain the original purpose of the post.
How sad. Sad post and sad commentary. I has a sad nao.
I like Kevin’s idea to stop being politically correct. I, personally don’t subscribe to that way of life and it’s very freeing. I don’t have to kiss nearly as many butts at work as most of my co-workers.
As for Lifeintheboomerlane, well, all’s I know is that on a regular daily basis, I see and experience answered prayers. If I go with your idea, my imagination must be infinitely, overwhelmingly good in ‘imagining’ God! Who should I thank for that?
Jesus does love you. He can forgive. but doing the same things over abuses forgiveness.
Used to live near JPLicks, myself. When I started going to the church referenced in this post I looked around me and thought you had to shave your legs and pluck your eyebrows to be a Christian. Fortunately, not true. Our kitties say mrrow! to your kitties. Coltrane’s perched on the hutch; Irish is being a “coffee table cat” … no mischief for the moment. http://wp.me/pZQMq-5c
Is Godhead like Maidenhead?
GOLD!! Sex and the City and a religious post without the preaching! Thank christ!!! x
I really like this post. And I’ll probably go stalking through the rest of them… *stalk stalk stalk*.
But the friendly, “I like your blog” stalking, not the creepy kind.
There are actually a number of posts on the creepy kind. 😀 Search “stalker”
liky
those are some positive words++++
You are rad.
Holy fuck, I go backpacking in Maine for three days and your comment section exploded.
I’m surprised WordPress has highlighted your piece this long. I’ve read some of the comments and I don’t find your article funny at all. In fact, you sound lonely and confused.
I suppose that I shouldn’t find it surprising that a Methodist minister called the post “marvelous” although there are F words on the front page.
Many religious “leaders” of our day choose to follow rather than lead.
The jokes about hell are the most discouraging.
It is not a funny subject. When Jesus spoke of it, he wasn’t laughing.
God loves you. That is a fact that can’t be laughed away.
I think, perhaps, you misunderstand. The point of satire – or just plain old dry humor – is that we’re laughing at ourselves for what’s wrong with us.
Also, before you go pointing out Methodist ministers and ‘”leaders”‘ I would suggest John 8:7.
God does love her. So why on earth shouldn’t we?
On a psychological level, you should note that the reason you find such a thrill in making irreverent jokes about God is because you know He is there. Thus and only thus do you feel “deliciously naughty.” Your fondness for jokes about Christianity bears the same relation regarding your knowledge that it is the truth.
At this point an inquisitive mind with “lots of questions” will ask how they know God exists and that Jesus is God. What I found so attractive about this post is your unabashed admittance concerning the amount of time you spend not just watching but re-watching DVDs.
I have a challenge for you, (you can consider it a sign from God if you like – it’s written in three paragraphs yet contains one unifying link); spend as much time listening to these lectures explaining and giving reasons for the truth of Christianity, as you’ve spent watching and re-watching “Sex and the City” DVDs:
http://www.reasonablefaith.org/site/PageServer?pagename=podcasting_main
“What are we going to do tonight, God?”
“The same thing we do every night, Jesus… Try and take over the word!”
;3
Now, is there any way I can stop the comments on this blog from being sent to my email in bulk, because they are annoying and depressing?
I should never have checked that lil box, but you see them, and you just wanna click em, dang it!
your really funny, bring up some points , 🙂 u should watch the davinci code- good movie :0
Holy shit!
Ummm…
Who knew Carrie Bradshaw and Jesus could cause such a stir? I feel like I need to add some fuel to the fire:
GUYS– Everyone knows that there’s really no trinity or Jesus or heaven or hell. In actuality, we’re all gonna die and become slaves to Tom Cruise on planet Xulu.
Duh.
You’re such a wind-up merchant, Laurenne… I love it!!
Religion is just actually a matter of faith. Sometimes we don’t need to ask so many questions to understand all these. We just have to be quiet and believe.
nice post！ i like it so much.
I’ll be praying for u.
tifmoonfany (tifmoonfany.wordpress.com)
You don’t know the God of the Bible.
You indeed need people to pray for you. Ever heard of “forgiveness FROM sin & not TO sin”?!?
“Jesus also wouldn’t judge me because I viewed all 40 hours of ‘Sex and the City’ over the course of two weeks. Because he’s forgiving. Or was Jesus the accepting one, and it’s the Father who’s forgiving? Christianity is confusing. I probably should ask a priest or something. I’ve got *a lot* of questions.”
You could have left out the profanity. Is it really necessary to make your post interesting enough?!
LOL!!!
What, no madonna in the chocolate??? *grin*
This was brilliant…
Classic writing there. Humoured me on this lonely Monday night piled down with assignments.
Thanks!
Jesus had a lot to say about hell. His purpose for dying on the cross was to save people from hell.
Matthew 23:33 Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?
Mark 9:43 And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched:
It makes sense to WAKE UP from folly, realize the danger that is ahead and flee to Christ for salvation. He says: I am the way, the truth and the life. No man comes to the Father, but by me. In hell, skin might have no HAIR. No sex and city will attract. Only torment from flames!
God is not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance. Turn to him and avoid the danger coming. I beg you.
ROY THOMAS.
i like to cook in heels
I love your rambly brain posts.
Also? I totally saw this featured on the WordPress front page yesterday but didn’t realize it was you until now! By jove girl, YOU’VE ARRIVED.
The best explanation of the trinity that I’ve ever come across (and I’ve been a Christian for 8 years now) is from C.S. Lewis. He wrote that the trinity is like an egg because it has a shell and a yolk and a white part… and even though each of those is distinct, they are all one thing. Then he goes on to write that it isn’t a perfect analogy so people should only use it if it helps them. The trinity for me is crazy CONFUSINGAWESOME, and I have a bamillion thoughts about it, but I totally don’t understand it all either.
@Kathryn, check this out, it may help:
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Articles/ByDate/2006/1442_What_is_the_doctrine_of_the_Trinity/
Thanks, dsartain18. I’ve been to the desiring god site before, but never run across this. It lays it out nicely.
Long time read. Just wanted to say, next time, could you try and maybe write about something that would bring more people into the discussion? Thanks in advance. It’s kind of a little too quiet around here for me. Didn’t want to have to leave for more abundant waters, ya know?
It really IS a gorgeous country, and there’s mountains and lakes everywhere! You can never go wrong with mountains! (Seriously..)
With the right light (and a steady hand), the iPhone can actually be a better camera than my old (non-digital) compact was! 😀 (And if you later tweak a lil’ on the colors, it always looks so much better.) But there is a CLEAR difference between the pictures I`ve taken with the digital, if you put them side by side. ^^
Some folks need to seriously get a sense of humor. You my dear, on the other hand, do not! Great post!
Congrats on being freshly pressed! Nver followed SATC much..but watched the movie to know enough. Quirky, fresh and crisp!..and yes Aveeno should pay you!
Hahahha! Maybe Jesus endorses another shaving gel/razor brand! or he just doenst like SATC! Anyway i love your post! Quirky, fresh and crisp! 🙂
Love this post. Mary of Nazareth had better not end up with Petrosky. I’d rather the guy who broke up with Carrie on the post-it note gets Mary. He had some potential. His breakup style was blog worthy.
Jessica,
Obviously, any mention of Jesus, God and the Bible stirs up a firestorm of opinion especially when it’s done in what could be considered a mocking sort of way. Stay with me.
At the end of the day, humanity has a problem and it’s called sin, yeah people hate the word since it does sound very nice. It has nothing to do with culture, race or religion. We do what we what, they way we want it in life compared to the way God created us to be. Sin is so bad that it keeps up separated from a holy, righteous, and just God. God has to punish sin, if He did not then He would not be a God worthy of our praise and worship.
But, God loves us, everyone including you! The Bible, which is God revealing Himself to us, says that He loves is so much that He sent His son Jesus to pay for the death penalty for the sin we deserve. Not only does He give the biggest penalty, but God takes on the role of a man, lives a sinless life, and pays our ” fine” so to speak. Did Jesus die for everyone so their sins will be forgiven? Yes! Will everyone go to Heaven? Sadly, no.
There is something required of us in order for sins to be forgiven, we must turn away from our sinful nature, turn to God, ask for His forgiveness, and place our faith and trust in what Jesus did on the cross. It’s about having a personal relationship with God through Jesus, not religion. Religion is dos, don’t, rituals etc.
There in lies that problem for most people, they choose not believe in any of this, and they reject this truth. Why, they hate God and love their sin. They love the life they live and don’t want to give that up. I was not always a Christian, and I know that how good somethings can feel, but they never, never fully satisfy or give peace.
So Jessica, the choice is yours now. Yes, God gives us choice, He is not forcing us to believe. Sure there are things that are questionable about God, and the Bible, but when you come to know Him, those questions and objections get answered or just get smaller in light of what you come to know.
So, you have heard the Gospel message, what will you do. I don’t judge or condemn you, God does not call us to do that, He calls us to love one another, as He has loved us. If you have serious questions or need a specific prayer request, let me know. Have a good day!
Michael
There may not be much spirituality in “Sex in the City” or the act of shaving one’s legs but watching cats going about their daily business always makes me ponder on god-related issues. I have no doubt that, in the event there really is some higher being up in heaven, it will turn out to be a feline creature: magnificient, selfish, unsurpassed in sleek beauty and elegance…and utterly tuna-obsessed.
I could never get into Sex and the city… I guess I need a shot of estrogen to balance out my overdose of testosterone……….. which completely explains the hairy legs I’m rocking!
I wish Roy Thomas were related to Rob Thomas. That would be awesome.
Great post. It or rather the comments after it inspired me to write a post.
I watch various series with my youngest daughter when she visits. At the moment we are going through Ballykissangel, which is set in Ireland. We have watched Sex and the City a few times. Others we watch are The Charmed, As Time Goes By, Cybill, Friends, Hustle, The A-team etc.
WHOA. I was LOL at this post and thought to leave you a comment saying AWESOME Photoshop skillz! Then I saw the number of comments. I had to wipe my glasses and look again. WHAK? At first I was happy for you ’cause awesome so many people like me loved this post. Then it dawned on me… oh. Hope you are taking this all in stride! 🙂
@subWOW — i had all the same thoughts!! love love love this post!!! but then, i am a big fan of alone-with-cats’ blog all the time! i don’t wanna speak for her, but if i had to guess, i’m thinking that she is cool as a cucumber with it all. her true supporters (and those who fit the category Human Beings With Sense Of Humor and Open Minds … a limited group to be sure) are always here for mad love and support!
Isn’t it horrifying how the, um, dissenters, have begun to talk amongst themselves? hmmm…
So… I glanced at the comments as I scrolled down, and I read a couple of them, then I became scared.
Mean comments scare me.
And by scare, I mean bore.
I hope nobody’s already made my comment, but there’s no way I’m going through all that to find out.
So here it is: Shaving is actually a huge thing in Arab cultures, as they consider it quite disgusting that we aren’t’ obsessed with shaving everything. So under that burqa is quite the well-shaved woman.
And people said that degree would never come in handy.
Clearly they look stupid now.
That picture is freaking hilarious.
Where have you been all my Life?
What was the name of the Hospital?
No, I don’t think I’ve ever been committed there, I mean, visited there.
Until now. Like to stay. The madness is contageous. For a Gentile, a recovering Catholic who is a practicing Buddist still believing in the Creator, red wine and a few choice curse words every now and then. God dam it.
Did I say I dance a mean Sufi dervish whirl while studying Kabbalah with a book in my hand advising me of the true answer to “Why am I here?”
You’re crazy. But I always had a thing for people who love cats.
michael j
Conshohocken, PA USA
I think Jesus probably has bigger fish to fry than your leg hair.
http://bustedblessings.wordpress.com/2010/09/13/jesus-accepted-by-heart-denied-by-dartsmouth/