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Online dating is for the birds. And I’m going to grouse about it.

March 6, 2012

Mating season is nigh, and wannabe lovebirds are slowly emerging after a lazy winter of nesting. Except me, that is. I flew the OkCupid coop and went cold turkey about six months ago. Repeatedly ruffled by the online dating wren-around, I eventually choked after doing whatever the opposite of cold turkey is. Hot cock, I think.

Hen again, maybe not. Because I’m jay.

After wasting so much time, energy and bills on something that proved to be nothing more than an albatross around my neck, I admitted defeat, like the hairs on my inner thighs that finally just stopped sprouting after enduring decades of fleshy friction. Pelican you believe I’m still single?

Over the course of a shag-less year on OkCupid, the crane of my existence, the website’s patented algorithms that I don’t understand seemed to be mockingbird me when it declared that I’m a near-perfect match for myself and repeatedly dispatched me emails trying to fix me up with … myself. Although difficult to swallow, I actually had joined to leave my roost and get to know chicks. Chicks other than myself. Now I have major egrets.

But maybe OkCupid knew something — besides college-level math — that I didn’t, because flying through junco profiles with my eagle eye proved trying and tiresome. And receiving correspondence that blew me plover for all the wrong reasons took a toll. And when I spent time with purported matches other than myself, all I ever came away with was the sense that we were totally destined to meet. So that I could blog about them later as a lark.

I met, among 30 or 40 other loons who were nothing to raven about, a cuckoo with a drug problem who asked me feather or not I wanted to be her mistress; a nuthatch who had the gull to wait until our first coffee together to reveal she had a live-in teenage son and an allergy to my feline life partners; and a flighty chickadee who, on our third date, admitted to seeing someone else after going to first base … with my cat. I didn’t even get to touch her toucans.

When your online dating profile is more successful for your pet than you, it’s time to shut it down. So I did. And owl be damned if I ever look back.

That’s not to say I haven’t thought about looking back. Because, having never been much of a flirt or magpie, OkCupid was my only real window into the dating world. Without it, I’m no longer actively searching for dove. Which means that I’m preventing other honeyeaters — best. lesbian. nickname. ever — from searching for me, too. Flycatcher in the ointment. You know how some people say that dove finds you when you’re not looking for it? Those people are fowl liars.

But the whole internet dating experience was so unpheasant that I’m in no thrush to get my goose cooked penguin. Call me a spring chicken, but from heron out I’m going to cheep on hibernating through mating season, duck the vultures and dodos, and sparrow myself the heart-beak. It would, though, behoove me to take a cue from my flock of thigh hairs, which after getting shafted in a chafing setback, started from scratch a while later and now seem to have migrated to my chin.

It just goes to crow that where there’s a whip-poor-will, there’s a jay.

************************************************************************

Speaking of being alone — aren’t I always? — I recently went to New York City alone to attend alone the dating-themed comedy tour de force “Blogologues: Come Here Often?” that featured a post I wrote performed by Jen Jamula and Allison Goldberg about being … wait for it … alone. Patterns. The post tells the story of a girl who once left a comment about having a crush on me (Lacey, are you still reading?) and devolves into a rant about hating America. Kidding, FBI. I *love* America! Totally voting for Rick Santorum today! Birth control is a gay agenda … seems like something someone voting for Rick Santorum would say! It was another awesome night (you can watch videos from previous Blogologues here and here), and one dude laughed so hard his nose bled. A lot of blood, sweat and tears goes into these shows, so it was nice to see a theatergoer finally giving back. I’m not going to say any more, because if I keep writing blog posts about a show that performs my blog posts, I’m pretty sure I’ll cause the universe to implode on itself.

42 Comments leave one →
  1. March 6, 2012 8:18 AM

    I’m lovin’ your blog!

  2. March 6, 2012 8:23 AM

    i guess we can’t be grebe, but you seem to be a bit of an angry bird. i’m sure there’s a bird or paradise out there for you…

  3. March 6, 2012 8:52 AM

    “Your personals profile picture is a total lie. I said I was looking for DOVE.”

    http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/18389/

  4. March 6, 2012 10:02 AM

    what’s the dillio w/other dating sites? like match.com, etc? have you tried those?

    [if all else fails a make-out session with "bi-curious" straight girl could be a great band-aid...and usually much better looking than the alternative. (don't shake your head...you know i'm right.) (and you know they're all bi-curious these days. i so wish i was born about five years later than i was.)]

  5. DMama permalink
    March 6, 2012 10:37 AM

    Just gain 40 pounds, get a mullet, and dress in any completely out-of-date clothing and you’re sure to attract a nice lesbian in the Boston area. :)

  6. March 6, 2012 11:15 AM

    That second picture made me snort :)

  7. March 6, 2012 11:18 AM

    There’s a bird called a Tufted Titmouse that could’ve fit in the second picture!

  8. March 6, 2012 11:19 AM

    AH! How did you come up with so many bird puns?! Owl be damned! HA. I want to make a swallow joke, but you’re a lesbian. DAMMIT.
    I say take a cooking class. That’s where all the ladies are. Or just continue to date yourself, as you are quite a parakeet (you’re so much better at the bird puns).

  9. Rebekah permalink
    March 6, 2012 11:36 AM

    I’m impressed with your puns. Knot. But no really, I am. That’s just the only one of which I could think. I’m not very clever.

  10. March 6, 2012 11:42 AM

    your brilliance has left me speechless. meep.

  11. March 6, 2012 12:06 PM

    I will not attempt bird puns – I leave that to the professionals.

    I will say you are awesome and funny and I would date you if I wasn’t happily “married” (I live in Richmond, VA, the no gay marriage capitol of the US) to the woman I love.

    We’re only 549 miles apart, so that would be simple. And I’d happily move to Boston for you.

    Except for that already in love thing. Sorry.

  12. March 6, 2012 12:16 PM

    Ok, now do this on Twitter.

  13. March 6, 2012 2:43 PM

    This is one of my favorite blog posts of all time, anywhere.

  14. March 6, 2012 2:59 PM

    Some of those puns went right through my eye, dude. You hurt me with your words. :-D OkCupid is like the biker bar of dating sites. It’s like STD’s R US. I think you are totally hot, and if I were into chicks, or even sex at all, I’d be on you like long grain on rice.
    Fear not, it is we who are your firedogs, dude.

  15. March 6, 2012 3:57 PM

    I think if I offer one more bird pun, this glorious blog will implode.

    I wish I was jay. Then we could end our aloneness together.

    Meh.

  16. March 6, 2012 5:42 PM

    The blog post was sensational but the video was even more so. Love you Jess xx

  17. March 6, 2012 6:34 PM

    I now hate Portland too! Just for you!

    PS I want my blog performed on stage!

  18. March 6, 2012 7:41 PM

    That may have been the best blog post I’ve ever read.

  19. March 7, 2012 7:20 AM

    Loved the post! Brilliant video as well. Hope there is a bird around the corner waiting for you (in a non-stalker way of course…).

  20. March 7, 2012 8:24 AM

    Dear Goddess, look at what a liberal arts education does to a gull!

  21. March 7, 2012 12:06 PM

    I see your problem. You like birds. Birds are dirty and poop everywhere. Also, cats eat birds. This is setting you up for failure.

    You’re awesome, Jess, you won’t be alone with cats for long! I know it!!!

  22. March 7, 2012 12:47 PM

    I’m so excited for your success. And your ability to insert birds with such alacrity into your post. IMPRESSIVE.

    And, you know, love will come along when you . . . eh, it is bullshit. Fingers crossed you happen upon another misanthrope.

  23. March 7, 2012 2:22 PM

    You need to join a ton of sites and lists based on common interests. That’s how I met all my internet boyfriends. And my BFF met her GF on flickr because they both love photography.

    Hang in there, chickadee!

  24. March 7, 2012 3:06 PM

    I woke up still thinking about your blog post, so I’m here to confirm it is by far the most clever, charming and brilliant grouping of words in a blog I’ve ever come across.

    I don’t know who Misses Right is, but I can guarantee, she will be one lucky harlequin. (terrible, and i had to look that shit up)

  25. March 8, 2012 2:38 AM

    Fabulous post – very clever. Perhaps next you should try Plenty of Fish and see where that lands you?

  26. March 8, 2012 11:22 PM

    And just when they said you were nothing but a fly-by-night writer, you pen this.

    HA!

    I’m crossing my fingers, and feathers, that 2012 is your year.

  27. March 9, 2012 4:21 AM

    I tried my hardest to avoid using, “a bird in the hand’s worth two in the bush” in this comment.

    I failed.

  28. March 10, 2012 3:22 PM

    When it comes to puns, I worship the ground you squawk on.

  29. March 12, 2012 7:53 PM

    Chick with the teenage son sounds like she would have been robin the cradle anyway. Beakause that’s what they do.

    As for the video? Falcon brilliant.

    • March 12, 2012 10:55 PM

      FALCON YOU for thinking of better puns than I did.

      P.S. I dove you and wish you were jay.

      • March 14, 2012 12:41 AM

        I just follow your lead. You’ll always be my perspiration.

        I wish I was jay, too. If only because we probably wouldn’t last long if you were heterosexual…

  30. March 12, 2012 8:48 PM

    This. is. amazing.

    And of course Miss BSchooled is also awesome.

    Gah. Awesome chicks abound.

  31. March 14, 2012 5:29 AM

    The one with the casual drug problem brought a whole new meaning to the term “speed dating”…

    hahaha…

    Yeah. I’m not good with puns, that’s all I could come up with. And it’s only vaguely related to something you mentioned in this post which was actually about another post from a couple of years ago. It’s taken me this long to think of it.

  32. March 16, 2012 5:57 AM

    My cat and I simply adore you. Love the post!

  33. March 19, 2012 3:58 PM

    Very nice Miss S.!

  34. March 19, 2012 10:56 PM

    Ugh, where do I even start with OKCupid? I hate it, but I keep coming back (still have had better results than Match.com). As you’ve hinted though, it’s for the birds. Seriously.

  35. March 20, 2012 10:10 AM

    Was this like the greatest writing I’ve read in awhile or what? Not only was it so full of truth about online dating but it was hilarious and awesome with the puns. I don’t know how I stumbled onto this blog but yahoo for me!! It was great! Video was hilarious too. Thanks for making my morning!

  36. March 22, 2012 2:34 PM

    This post needs a warning about reading it in the office and how your coworkers will think you’re insane. Thanks for the punny guffaws.

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