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In the spur of the moment, I discovered doggy style isn’t my style. Because I’m a cat person. And other reasons.

June 12, 2012

Making small talk during an exam, presumably trying (and failing miserably) to make me feel more at ease, my physical therapist informed me that the only two joints in the human body that must be mobilized internally are the jaw and tailbone.

Can you guess which one I was having mobilized from the fucking inside?

Hint: The session involved latex gloves, a lot of lube and the sort of sex that requires a safe word.

It was the most — and only — action I’ve had all year.

If you’ve been reading for a while, you might remember that about a year and a half ago my tailbone spontaneously started hurting. My first line of defense was purchasing a plethora of pillows popular with postpartum mothers and piles sufferers, which didn’t cause me the least bit of embarrassment because I’m an adult. (I totally made my mom carry my tush cush at restaurants and movies.) When the pillows proved ineffective, my next bright idea was to sit on a thick book called “The Kennedy Men.” My doctor didn’t consider that a long-term solution, even though the tome was almost 900 pages and it would have taken my ass months to finish it. She’s a slow reader. After various anti-inflammatory drugs, acupuncture, a cortisone injection and physical therapy all failed, I was quickly running out of options to avoid a rarely performed ass surgery — SURGERY OF THE ASS, YOU GUYS —and that’s where our sordid story begins today.

My physical therapist advised me to have a light dinner and not eat 12 hours before our booty call, which would end with her knocking at my back door. No shit, I thought. Because this seemed obvious. And also because the goal was no shit. And feeling better or something. But I was mostly focused on not shitting.

I always sort of thought that, as a woman who doesn’t want children, I’d be spared some of the indecencies expectant mothers must endure during pregnancy and delivery: to name a few, the very public viewing of your privates, elbow-deep probing and possibility of pooping on the table. I’d also felt sort of smug that I’d never have to “turn my head and cough” for a doctor during an annual prostate checkup for men of a certain age, with the possibility of pooping on the table. And yet here I was, lying on my belly with my rump propped up and wrapped in a barely-there paper sheet, being warned that this procedure could cause me to, in fact, poop on the table.

Before the anal probing began, the physical therapist lodged a chair up against the door because the examination room didn’t have a lock and she’d “hate for someone to walk in on us.” It was basically like the opening scene of every adult film ever made. It makes sense, then, that the fancy term for tailbone is coccyx, which is pronounced cock-six. Which sounds kind of like a p0rn. As in, “The producers are hoping Grande Mocha reprises his role in ‘Cock 6,’ because ‘Cock’ 1-5 were so successful.”

Also, I’m sorry, because I’m pretty sure I just ruined grande mochas for everyone.

Overheard while I was being taken from behind:

“OK, I’m going in. Try to relax.”

“I’m so sorry; I need to use both hands.”

“Did you wash your hair this morning? It smells nice.”

I grunted, “Yeah, thanks,” and something about Herbal Essences shampoo. But what I meant was, “STOP SMELLING THINGS.”

We repeated these incredibly pleasant and not at all violating mobilizations twice more over the course of a month. In some cultures, my physical therapist and I are now married and/or could be jailed. Then, as the poo de grace, I had an ass ultrasound and guided cortisone injection with three medical professionals — a doctor, his assistant and my physical therapist — in the room. I now refer to it as “the 12 o’clock showing,” or “that time I was anally gang-raped.”

Overheard in my rear view:

Huh. You really do have a tail!”

“See this blood vessel? It’ll probably give you hemorrhoids someday.”

“My assistant is going to have to spread and hold open your … gluteus.”

Seeing as how the doctor’s hand was already half-way up my rectum en route to what felt like my lungs, it seemed a little late for Latin pleasantries. But maybe he didn’t want to be cheeky. Well, any more than he already was.

I asked whether I’d be given a keepsake image from my ass ultrasound — assault-trasound, if you will — to force my friends and family to look at, like pregnant ladies repeatedly shove at you until you concede that yes, that creepy, shapeless blur is the most precious creepy, shapeless blur you’ve ever seen. The medical team thought my request was just a crack. Butt it was not.

Harold the bone spur is welcomed by his sister, Mango the neck lump.

Many, many “Silkwood” showers later, I wasn’t able to put the specter of surgery behind me … so to speak. In a couple weeks, I’m going under the knife for a coccygectomy; in other words, I’m having my tail removed. I hope my cats don’t take offense. My official diagnosis is coccydynia — Latin for pain in the butt — caused by a bone spur at the tip of my spine and an unstable coccyx. If you’ve ever seen my ass before, you know that’s ridiculous and I should totally get a second opinion. My ass is, without question, the most stable part of my body. Low-rise jeans cannot contain it. I’ve got more junk in my trunk than a hoarder’s hatchback after a liquidation sale at Costco. Even J.Lo‘s like, “Damn, girl.”

For the record, though, I didn’t poop on the table. But it sort of felt as if I had. Because what goes up … will scar you for life.

62 Comments leave one →
  1. June 12, 2012 4:18 AM

    Will you get to take your bone spur home with you after your surgery? Because it would basically be a piece of humanely harvested ivory. You could make it into earrings or a cat toy or something.

    Good luck with the surgery. Everything will be fine. I was especially reassured by the part of the Wikipedia article that said that “many doctors advise that the surgery should be avoided at all costs.”

    Seriously, this whole ordeal sounds pretty horrific. I hope this fixes it once and for all.

    • June 12, 2012 6:15 PM

      I, too, found that part of the Wikipedia article particularly comforting, and it definitely doesn’t keep me awake at night. Thanks for repeating it here for easy access.

      • June 22, 2012 10:27 PM

        I was going to come back and leave you a “Good luck with your ass surgery” card, but it turns out that Hallmark doesn’t make them (weird, huh?) and my cats refused to pose for a picture.

        Good luck with your ass surgery.

  2. iampisspot permalink
    June 12, 2012 4:19 AM

    I found the photo of the medical accessories rather perturbing. Lube and latex gloves? Fine. The tub of tongue depressions? NOT FINE.

    I just don’t even want to know…..

  3. June 12, 2012 4:42 AM

    You know, aside from the clear differences in holes, your experience is not all that different from being pregnant / giving birth.

    And its totally okay to poop on the table. They expect it and really, they gotta earn those six figures somehow! ^_^

  4. June 12, 2012 5:11 AM

    I think you have the makings of an awesome Michael Bay action movie here….

    “Coccyx… mobilize!”

  5. June 12, 2012 7:10 AM

    i would think that hitting this crack medical team with at least a small amount fecal matter would be expected… you are a colon master… good luck with the surgery. demand heavy, heavy pain meds…

  6. June 12, 2012 7:45 AM

    I feel for you.

  7. June 12, 2012 7:45 AM

    Oh gosh you poor thing. Thankfully you have a great sense of humor and a blog, otherwise…what would you do?

    I hope surgery goes well and that’s the last time someone has their hand up your ass.
    <3

  8. June 12, 2012 7:48 AM

    I feel for you.

    The previous comment of the same nature is from some other account of mine that I never use anymore, I am not sure how it popped up! You can delete it.

  9. thesuniverse permalink
    June 12, 2012 8:19 AM

    I am so. very. sorry.

    But I did enjoy your recitation of the experience. Probably a lot more than you did actually having it.

    Only you could mine such hilarity from this extremely awkward, horrifically embarrassing situation.

    [I did NOT poop when I had the girl. It's probably the only thing I didn't do.]

  10. June 12, 2012 9:48 AM

    only you could make a sick coccyx so ass-tastically funny. but this must really have you in a tailspin.

  11. June 12, 2012 10:32 AM

    Way to make me giggle at your pain.

    Of course, I GOT TO HEAR YOU TELL ME IN PERSON! So, I knew what to expect from the unfortunate parts, so I could focus on *assaultrasounds.* (<–brilliant). Also, sorry for shouting back there. Latkes. Mmm.

  12. June 12, 2012 11:11 AM

    you know, i’m just thinking about the people who are frantically google-searching for help with their own coccyxectomies and are gonna land on this here piece of informative writing. will it make them feel better? will they burst out in tears? we shall see.

    also, this is a side point, but when i first got my dumb iphone and started chatting on there, my proclivity for saying “xoxox” was auto-corrected to “coccyx.” which made me giggle and reply OMG! LOL!

  13. June 12, 2012 12:24 PM

    yeah i was wondering about that ink-pen thing also….that’s NOT the new hotness. I hope the surgery goes well…I hope to get a picture of “the tail” removed from your tail cause i’m still trying to wrap my mind around that –

    • June 12, 2012 6:20 PM

      I’m hoping that my tail will be returned to me after surgery. Technically, it’s mine already, and the surgeon will just be borrowing it. Plus, it’d probably make for an awesome cat toy.

  14. June 12, 2012 12:26 PM

    oh yeah….and if it’s got J’Lo Like “DAMN!” …..i’d kinda like see that too.

  15. June 12, 2012 12:59 PM

    Well shit. Hopefully after the surgery you won’t have to get ass raped so much though, huh? *Brightest side I could find!* And I’m sure your cats understand. Tails are their special domain after all — they might not want to share.

  16. June 12, 2012 1:08 PM

    When I had my hand surgery they lifted my arm up so I could see inside my hand – then they wiggled my fingers so I could see how my hand works. It was awesome. I have high hopes for a similar experience during YOUR surgery.

    And the quesadilla I ate while reading this blog was delicious.

  17. June 12, 2012 1:12 PM

    I love saying the word “coccyx” really fast, or randomly throwing it into conversations. It’s a great way to catch when people aren’t really listening, ’cause all they hear is, “blah blah blah my cock(six) blah blah blah”. Throws them for a loop, ’cause I clearly don’t have a cock. At least I hope that’s clear.
    I do wish you good luck with all of this and that all ends well.

  18. June 12, 2012 1:21 PM

    I just got my first hemorrhoid, which I never thought I would have, and I have to say, not fun. And not just because it hurts like a motherfucker, although it does, but because it was my first visit to my new primary care physician. It went like this: HI! Nice to meet you! Could you please investigate my ass pain? Thanks!

    Yeah, just a touch awkward.

  19. June 12, 2012 1:21 PM

    Good luck and good riddance to the butt bone spur. Seriously, I’ve never heard of such a thing. Oy!

  20. June 12, 2012 2:10 PM

    OMG! The title is killing me. I just needed you to know that I’m eating lunch and I took a sip of soda while reading your title and it almost came out my nose. Now I have to go back and read your post. But I’m putting the soda down first.

  21. June 12, 2012 2:19 PM

    Harold is beautiful! Shouldn’t we be organizing a party? You kill me, you know. Every freaking time – I’m laughing uncontrollably shouting “COME READ THIS!!” to everyone who walks by my office. I love you. And your tail.

  22. June 12, 2012 2:26 PM

    Sorry to hear that you did not dodge the butt-bullet, but your mortification is a fun read. I feel very lucky that my chronic ass-pain is located completely in my mind.

  23. June 12, 2012 2:39 PM

    Knowing that this must have been a very, very uncomfortable situation for you… oh my god what an extremely funny post. I cried laughing! Hope Harold behaves until he is discharged.

  24. June 12, 2012 3:20 PM

    God.damn.

    But, hey, at least you didn’t poop on the table, so there’s that!

    Good luck with the surgery!

  25. June 12, 2012 4:06 PM

    i’m trying too hard to come up with something witty to say, but i think you used it all up. i’m sorry about your ass-raping. and i pray for a speedy recovery. also, i did a google search “Cock 6″ is not taken, i say you should bank on that. keep us posted. sending love.

  26. June 12, 2012 4:06 PM

    I love you.

  27. June 12, 2012 4:16 PM

    baaahahahaha!!…..fantastic! i’m still putting off the rump-rading….nagging pain in the ass. :-)

  28. June 12, 2012 4:38 PM

    Last December I had anal surgery, and know exactly what it’s like to have someone elbow-deep in your back door and chatting about the weather. Yay! Good times!
    If you’d like to feel some camaraderie, you should peek at some of the gagillion comments I got on Facebook & my blog with TMI of the undercarriage. I now know so much about other people’s assholes. Quite refreshing.
    Good luck, girl. I’ll be seeing you on Twitter.

  29. June 12, 2012 5:09 PM

    Out of the one blogs that I read, this is by far the most amusing. Sorry about the tail.

  30. June 12, 2012 6:41 PM

    Concerned about the tongue depressor pictured. Hope this was not part of the exam. Also good God, what is the jar of “Free Up” used for.

  31. June 12, 2012 11:06 PM

    Goof thing the appointment wasn’t ‘poopooed!’

  32. June 13, 2012 5:47 AM

    Unfortunately I’m indirectly familiar with this technique (because I work in a physiotherapy center). At least you were given small talk during. A women here in Madrid sued her physical therapist because she felt sexually molested even after agreeing with the procedure. Of course she didn’t win but still I get why people wouldn’t like their asses to be internally touched.

  33. June 13, 2012 7:27 AM

    This post made my toes curl. In the bad way. Not the pleasurable way.

    Would it have been better if she had played a Barry White album in the background? Not eating added insult to injury, don’t you think?

    You SHOULD HAVE pooped on the table. I would have. Last laugh laughs best.

  34. June 13, 2012 2:21 PM

    I can\’t believe I was embarrassed to talk to you about MY problems. Of course, now I\’m never going to complain again. Good lord, woman. I mean good luck. I\’m pretty sure your experience shocked the shit out of me, even if it didn\’t quite have that effect on you.

    I mean, if you were into that sort of thing, sure, but I personally wouldn\’t want to get that intimate with anyone in the medical profession… I prefer IT guys.

    All joking aside (backside?), I really do hope your surgery goes well & your rear problems are ended.

    It was to-tail-ly impossible to be serious in this comment. I tried. Seriously, though, good luck! Get well soon! Sending happy thoughts your way!

  35. June 14, 2012 5:51 AM

    Darlin’ my son had anal surgery three weeks ago. He had infected sinuses (hey, who knew he had sinuses up his ass? Not me!) He has to have new dressings inserted every day for a month and he gets to wear a sanitary pad too. He still can’t sit, drive, work or walk further than from his room to the kitchen…..Seriously, your op is going to be a doddle compared to his. Man up baby ;-)

    PS: you want me to fly over there and kiss it better?

    • June 17, 2012 6:13 PM

      OMG. Your poor boy. Sinuses in your ass? This is like the time I realized my cervix is in my neck.

  36. June 14, 2012 5:35 PM

    You didn’t get to keep your asstrsound? That just seems cruel. I would have insisted,… Then posted it as my new Facebook photo.

  37. June 15, 2012 1:56 PM

    Hey, imagine the blog posts about this if you were one of those non-funny people. Or even a much-less funny person like me. Just sayin.

  38. June 16, 2012 12:50 AM

    I’m sorry for your ass surgery. Why aren’t there card sections for this?!!

    I hope you are okay.

    Also deep down you probably liked it. Okay that’s not true. But that messes with your head, right?

    Sigh. I hope you are okay. Also I would have pooped on the table. It’s just who I am.

  39. June 17, 2012 5:31 AM

    Perhaps each time you should’ve demanded to be taken out to dinner first, or at least given a nice glass of red. . . as well as that Barry White album playing in the background. (But, this shows what I know, I actually typed Barry Manilow . . . can’t see how that would be helpful at all.)

  40. June 17, 2012 12:27 PM

    Did you at least share a cigarette afterwards?

  41. June 17, 2012 12:52 PM

    I am sorry to laugh at your misery. When my sister was 16, she had to go to gastroenterologist and he told her she was going to have to have a “B E”. Susan went ballistic and started screaming that she knew what a “B E” was and she wasn’t having a butt exam. There were tons of very startled old people in the waiting room after her tantrum. Just to remind her of this, I sent her a link to this post. You were way braver than she was. I sincerely hope that you at least got a kiss goodbye and a phone number after all that.

  42. Luda Kristen permalink
    June 17, 2012 1:21 PM

    Surgery is scary, and honestly I am sorta kinda proud of my fellow cat lady for enduring these procedures. I don’t think I would have. I honestly don’t. I would’ve just put up with the pain forever because I am stupid and hate doctors.

  43. June 17, 2012 1:34 PM

    Oh, AWC, I’m sorry you had to go through this.

    I actually felt violated for you. (A twinsie thing, perhaps?) I can only imagine how I’ll feel during your surgery…

    On a positive note, we really do have nice smelling hair.

  44. June 19, 2012 12:10 PM

    You are officially the bravest person ever. And for the record, that really is the most precious creepy, shapeless blur I’ve ever seen. Congratulations!

  45. June 19, 2012 7:03 PM

    I don’t even know how I found your blog… probably some connection to the bloggess’s blog.

    Having said that, and knowing absolutely nothing about you, this is possibly one of the funniest pieces of writing I have read in a long, long while.

    And I’m sorry about the ass-surgery. I had to lie about having panic disorders in order to convince the doc to sedate me during a colonoscopy. Because I was, in fact, sure I would have a panic attack when they did it, in spite of never having had one (an attack or colonoscopy, for that matter) before.

  46. June 22, 2012 12:57 PM

    Dammit grande mochas were my drink!

    But totally worth losing out on to hear that story, I was in tears in my office…although it wasn’t really the kind of thing I could explain to my coworkers.

    “What’s so funny?”

    “Arse surgery.”

  47. June 26, 2012 12:53 PM

    And I thought a spur in my foot was bad. Nor more complaining from me! Hope you are on the mend!

  48. June 26, 2012 5:37 PM

    Oh…goodness. That sounds really unpleasant. I hope they bought you brunch the next morning at least.

  49. July 13, 2012 9:07 PM

    Hey! This is my first visit to your blog! We are a group
    of volunteers and starting a new initiative in a community in the same niche.
    Your blog provided us useful information to work on.
    You have done a wonderful job!

  50. July 14, 2012 10:42 PM

    Ouch. Ugh. Eww. Not necessarily in that order.

  51. August 24, 2012 10:27 AM

    We stumbled over here by a different page and thought I might check things out.
    I like what I see so now i’m following you. Look forward to looking into your web page again.

  52. October 3, 2012 3:28 PM

    oh NO. i have been living under a rock and *just read this*. HOLY HELL. i hope you’re ok!!!! can’t wait til you’re back blogging again. this makes for terrific blogging if nothing else. kind of like living in baltimore but…all about your butt instead ;) lots of love!

  53. October 22, 2012 6:57 PM

    Cats and online journalism http://wp.me/p2ApNW-17

  54. sibee permalink
    January 18, 2013 4:55 PM

    I hope the doctors let you keep Harold. Or at least get you a shirt that says, “A group of medical professionals have been up my ass and all I got was this shirt and a story to horrify friends, family, and the internet.”

  55. Natalie newkirk permalink
    February 20, 2013 5:04 PM

    You made me laugh so hard!! I have same problem. Tried internal and wow that awkward right! Surgery n 2 weeks!

  56. I like Ike permalink
    March 24, 2013 5:56 PM

    Dude! That is so wrong!

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