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Of the 6,692,030,277 humans on Earth as of 2008, not one wants to share VD with me

February 12, 2010

Bonjour, reader.

I say “reader,” because at this point I’m certain I have only one, and it is I. And because I’m a newspaper copy editor and write grammatically correct phrases such as “it is I,” one reader may be my peak.

Nonetheless, I thought it would be fitting to launch my blog on the eve of the eve of quite possibly the most contrived day of the year. Of course, we all have shitty days. And sometimes, no matter how cautious we are about skirting food-borne pathogens, gulping the water in Tijuana or chowing down an entire two-pound bag of baby carrots during a cross-country drive, we have diarrhea days. But Sunday is the worst of the worst, the bottom of the barrel, the Ann Coulter of the calendar. We’re less than 48 hours away from February’s equivalent of fat blocker-induced anal leakage.

With antibiotics having been handed out willy-nilly for decades and rendered as ineffectual as Democrats trying to pass health-care reform while commanding a 58-41 majority in the Senate (seriously? seriously?), I just cannot get onboard with a “holiday” with the acronym VD. You know what’s turdier than having an Imodium moment? Chlamydia, is what.

And while we’re on the topic of crap, I, Jessica – a Boston spinster teetering dangerously close to 30 who prefers to keep company only with her two cats – intend to use this space to air ruminations on the everyday insanity of life, love and other topics I deem ruminatable.

In the spirit of transparency, I’ll confess my reasons for entering the blogosphere are fourfold:

  1. My boss Paul recently recommended I create a web site to chronicle my misadventures. A longtime sufferer of what can be described only as a mild form of Tourette’s, he randomly, loudly and indiscreetly announced to the otherwise dead-silent newsroom: “JESSISUNDATABLE. DOT COM!!!” However, I’ve thus far resisted learning HTML, even though my job might one day depend on it. And let’s just say, in the words of Larry David, I’ve no desire to be the master of my domain. Fortunately, WordPress doesn’t judge – and actually encourages – me not to be the master of my domain.
  2. A friend, who went on one non-date with me before declaring she’s head over heels for her not-so-long-lost ex, assured me if I expose my neuroses wit and charm to the masses, potential suitors will come knocking. I have my doubts.
  3. It’d be super awesome to put in minimal effort and somehow magically parlay this into a book deal. Sort of like how all Sarah Palin had to do pre-“Going Rogue” was beat, butcher and bury alive John McCain. Duh, geezers are easy targets. If by some stretch of the imagination you, fictional reader No. 2, happen to work in publishing AND are unattached, we have much to discuss. Unless you’re geriatric and I’ve offended you with talk of crimes against the elderly. Damn it.
  4. Saying the word “parlay” makes me feel très sophistiqué and Parisian. My knowledge of French is severely limited to three song lyrics (“la vie en rose,” “michelle, ma belle, sont les mots qui vont très bien ensemble,” “voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?”). And unlike Patti LaBelle, Christina Aguilera, Pink, Mya and Lil’ Kim, I rarely have the opportunity to belt out the latter, because I am alone … with cats.
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12 Comments leave one →
  1. February 12, 2010 8:36 AM

    i
    am
    so
    EXCITED

    i already laughed heartily outloud, LHOL’d if you will, three times. and you’re just shakin out.
    im about to PR the crap out of this blog. i.e. promote it aggressively to the point of losing friends. and yes, people in my industry do use it as a verb.

  2. Sally permalink
    February 12, 2010 9:39 AM

    If you parlay this into a book deal, I’d buy it! You’re hysterical.

  3. Diane permalink
    February 12, 2010 10:08 AM

    Hooray! This can only be described as an excellent move. Looking forward to being a devoted reader.

  4. Kevin permalink
    February 12, 2010 11:56 AM

    Well now, don’t you just think you are something!!! You’ll blog like hell, e-mail like hell but won’t venture to the dark side that is known as Facebook!! As I would like to comment in one of your favorite “Southern Phrases”…”That just ain’t Rite!”

  5. February 12, 2010 1:21 PM

    What’s VD got to do with it?

    One can love with out it.

    Can’t they?

    I don’t know.

    I have two cats. One has PTSD and the other one does not. The one without, meditates with me daily, while the other lets her anger fester until getting a meow of a flashback.

    michael j
    Conshohocken, PA USA

  6. Danna permalink
    February 12, 2010 4:23 PM

    i’ll be your reader #2! or #6! i’m so glad you started a blog! welcome to the blogosphere. such a nice place to be. where humans only have to rub virtual shoulders to communicate and can instead stay at home with their much superior, furry counterparts!

  7. Melanie V. permalink
    February 12, 2010 10:32 PM

    Jess, Valentine’s Day is AWESOME. How dare you compare it to clammy-da. I would LOVE to share VD with you. After all, that’s not something you do every day, unless the doctor gives you cream. Not that I would know anything about that. Anyhoo you are the funniest blogger ever! So when did your cats learn to read and assume the online identities of others? If I may leave you with one last word, it is this: Burrito.

  8. February 13, 2010 12:01 PM

    Ex-CUSE me? Daisy’s blog gets praised as “masterful poetry and prose” while mine “has been known to kill 6-year relationships”? Bah!

    Congratulations on your first blog post. Seeing as I’m the reason you’re “alone with cats,” I expect a cut of your book deal when the publishers come a knockin’.

    I’m glad you’re writing again. See you in a few hours!

  9. Carol Spy permalink
    February 14, 2010 9:43 PM

    Yes!!! You should most definitely have your own blog, oh gifted writer. How did I not personally advise you to do this?

    Oh, and I do appreciate your bag-o-carrots shout out!

  10. February 15, 2010 12:31 PM

    SPY. Carol Spy. I love it! Jess should repost that e-mail your mother sent you. You know, the one with the dead tulip. Or maybe you, Carol Spy, should write your own blog. Either way, that dead tulip e-mail should be read and enjoyed by the masses.

  11. July 23, 2010 10:39 AM

    First of all, this post is weirdly hidden somehow and it took quite a bit of detective work for me to suss it out. You’re welcome.

    Second, I was going to respond to your DM, but then my response was too long, so I figured I’d just email you. So then I started the email.

    But then I remembered I’m terribly at emailing people. I just leave stuff siting in my draft box for months because something about writing out an email seems exhausting and terrible.

    Is that normal?

    Now I’ve forgotten where I was going with this.

    Oh yes.

    I love your blog too.

    That is why I am terribly sad that you have taken a step away.

    A step farther away from me, and my adorable stalking of you.

    Is it me?

    Is it stalking?

    Is it you?

    I really have to know.

  12. July 23, 2010 10:44 AM

    See – I knew I’d forget something!

    In this case, it was commenting on the above post.

    I am sure, were you to survey the globe, that quite a few people would joyously give you VD.

    You’ve only to ask.

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