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“The Hills” are alive with the sound of brain matter seeping out of my ears

March 8, 2010

I accidentally watched “The Hills,” and I’m a worse person for it. The only saving grace is that I was eating carbs at the time, so it’s not a total loss, and the double dose of fat-packed crunchy peanut butter and high-calorie bread might offset any long-term damage.

Spencer and Heidi are known as Speidi. Why yes, I do hate myself for knowing that.

“The Hills” cast members include Heidi, Spencer, Brody, Jayde, Lo and Whitney, among others, which sound like names people transitioning from one gender to another might choose for themselves. That piqued my interest straight away, and I continued to watch so I, along with America, could vote a tranny off the island. That just seems to be one of those once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that shouldn’t be missed. But sadly there was no voting. And no island. And no trannys (allegedly). And now that I’m putting it on the interweb, someone’s bound to steal my idea for a TV pilot about post-op transgenders’ shaky but heartwarming reintroduction to the dating world called “Trans Action.”

I’m apparently too smart to understand the premise of “The Hills.” After subjecting myself to one half-hour episode, I still have no idea whether it’s reality or scripted, nor do I have any inkling about who or what it’s about. My best guess: vapid blondes talking to other vapid blondes, often about each other or vapid things in vapid Los Angeles.

The following are a few quotes from the show:

“Oh my god! They have eggs benedict here? This is my new favorite restaurant!” I just Googled “eggs benedict,” and 549,000 hits came back. But it probably tastes really good at this place.

“We have the same work aesthetic.” I’m confused. Did she mean “ethic”?

“We’re both, like, full-on single. Yay!” I say this to my unattached friends all the time. Oh no, I’m mistaken. I don’t have any single gal pals. I’m the only spinster I know. What I meant is that I say this to my cats. A lot. Except I’m lying. I’d never say this to anyone – human or otherwise. Because it’s hands-down the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

“That’s so weird. Isn’t it strange? That’s so funny. Weird.” … and I spoke too soon.

“You seem a little, like, uh.” Yeah, pretty much.

(Note: These quotes might not be 100 percent accurate, because Teva was in my lap and I couldn’t reach a pen. Also, I wasn’t about to put down my sandwich. It would take a heck of a lot more than this to come between me and food. Such as having my jaw wired shut. Or a natural disaster. Or global famine. Even then the cats and I likely would be in a well-stocked, lead-lined bunker fending off ravenous fools who didn’t plan accordingly, and I’d have a bumper sticker on my Prius that says, “Hands off my booty.” One day, an incredibly attractive man – so attractive, in fact, that there is a distinct possibility he used to be a woman – would show up at my door. Before he could utter one word, I’d say, “Are you here for the ‘Trans Action’ casting call?’ Bewildered, he’d say, “Huh? No.” Then I’d become increasingly suspicious that he was after my canned peas and jam, so I’d bark, “Back off, bucko. Read the bumper sticker.” He’d respond, “Oh, umm, I was going to invite you over to my fallout shelter for a glass of wine. So sorry to have disturbed you.” He’d start dejectedly walking away, and I’d yell, “No, not that booty! Don’t go!” He wouldn’t turn around, so I’d chase after him and breathlessly shout, “Follow me on Twitter!” But it would be too late. I’d retreat into my bunker and reflect on how I’d scared off a suitor by accusing him of attempted larceny and of having swapped genitalia. Again. Then I’d console myself with mint chocolate chip ice cream, but not too much, because hello, global famine. A girl’s got to save that shit for her next breakup. Or the apocalypse. Whichever comes first.)

5 Comments leave one →
  1. MirtoP permalink
    March 9, 2010 10:11 PM

    Crunchy peanut butter?? Mmmm…
    This may be your craziest/most brilliant post yet, yikes!!!

  2. Carol Spy permalink
    March 11, 2010 11:58 AM

    I am impressed by YOUR work aesthetic, posting quality, funny stuff just about every day. Impressive! If you keep it up, I may eventually treat you to some eggs benedict. Because how else would you ever get them, since that new favorite restaurant of Heidi’s is in Southern Cali?

  3. redg_rl permalink
    March 13, 2010 11:32 PM

    ow, ow, ouch.. pop culture.. bad.. hurting.. brains.. mmm.. sandwich..

  4. Mainekayaks permalink
    March 22, 2010 11:39 PM

    Oh, The Hills. How I love (and hate) you. I love them mainly because they provide Joel McHale with endless amounts of fodder. Observe…

    (I feel the need to point out that if it was on The Hills, but Joel McHale did not report on it, I don’t know about it). 🙂


  5. March 30, 2010 7:42 PM

    Thanks for watching the Hills so I don’t have to.

    Love your bunker idea. I’m trying to make sure I have enough toilet paper to make it through the few hours after the apocalypse comes but before I realize that I have no wilderness skills and should just try and overdose on the Children’s Tylenol that’s stashed in the back of my medicine cabinet.

    Awesome blog!

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