Jihad the time of my life, and I owe it all to Ellen DeGeneres and The Bloggess
You’re going to be humming that song all day – consider it a belated memorial to Patrick Swayze – but I make no apologies. All is fair in love, war and jihads against Ellen DeGeneres that lead to winning my 2008 breakup with my ex-girlfriend.
Remember, readers, when I politely implored you to follow me on Twitter? And then again a few days later, when I wrote about an end-of-days fantasy that concluded with me not being followed on Twitter by a man too good-looking not to have been born a biological woman? Suffice it to say, if you didn’t heed my early warnings and well-intentioned advice, you missed a Zombie Apocalypse and my tweet war against Ellen DeGeneres to shake her down for the $60,000 she never paid me for not going to prom twice. There are brain-eating monsters and celebrity alienation at your fingertips, and you’re content to sit on the sidelines. I just don’t know how you sleep at night. By “you” I mean you, readers. Ellen DeGeneres doesn’t sleep at night. Probably. Because odds are Ellen DeGeneres is a vampire – Ellestat, if you will – so that means she slumbers during the day. Seriously, guys, try to keep up. I can’t always carry you on my shoulders.
However, because I’m benevolent, I’ll give you a brief run-down of the action. It started out innocently enough. I jokingly tweeted Ellestat DeGeneres to promote my blog. Then I did it again. And again. Before I knew it, my tweeting had become like a “Golden Girls” marathon at 4 a.m. on Lifetime TV. I simply could not tear myself away.
In the midst of my misdemeanor harassment of Ellestat DeGeneres, my idol, Jenny Lawson (aka The Bloggess), posted details on her blog about the Zombie Apocalypse she staged on Twitter over the weekend. As a lark, in keeping with the undead theme, I tweeted The Bloggess about my in-progress extortion of a certain likely blood-sucking TV diva. (OK, no, I don’t know how she’s a vampire and yet also manages to dominate daytime television. I don’t have all the answers.)
Just as I was pondering which lady was more likely to either follow me or file charges, a comment appeared on my site from The Bloggess. And then she started following me on Twitter. And then last night, she mentioned me on her blog.
If you’re not familiar with The Bloggess, you might not be able to comprehend the enormity of this stroke of good fortune. Let me put it this way: She is the Conan O’Brien of the blogosphere, and I am the new Sarah Killen. If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, it’s because you’re not on Twitter. WTF? What the hell are you waiting for? Twitter is making dreams come true – my dreams. I don’t know whether or not Twitter will help you with your dreams, because I’m not psychic and I don’t know what your dreams are. But Twitter probably won’t make your dreams not come true. Then you, too, can rage against fangtastic Ellestat DeGeneres for not paying you for not going to prom. Or not.
Anyway, at some point while I was being slighted by Ellestat DeGeneres and recognized by The Bloggess, my ex-girlfriend Vicky tweeted and texted to say that it wasn’t fair that The Bloggess was following me when she was the one who had introduced me to her in the first place. Then she jealously declared, “This means war.” But I’ve known Vicky for a really long time, and I’ve become quite skilled at reading between the lines. I’m pretty sure what she meant was, “Wow, although we were together for six years and I started dating someone else a mere three months after you moved out of our apartment and now I’m deliriously in love with another woman and you haven’t had sex in six months and all you have for companionship are cats, The Bloggess is following you and that means you win. You win our breakup. You’re a better woman than I. And your wavy auburn hair is the most beautiful I’ve ever seen, especially when the natural highlights are illuminated by the late-summer sun.”
In summation, the past few days have been a whirlwind of winning. After having started this blog less than two months ago, I feel very much like a child actor who has peaked too early and will soon head down a slippery slope of drinking, drug abuse, depression and an appearance on “Celebrity Jeopardy.” Hell, I’m already more than half-way there, and I’m totally cool with that, because after a decade-long hiatus, little Doogie Howser is back on top. So be sure to check back with “Alone … with cats” in about 10 years, because it’s gonna get insanely awesome up in here.
P.S. If you missed it, here’s how the jihad went down: