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Jihad the time of my life, and I owe it all to Ellen DeGeneres and The Bloggess

March 30, 2010

You’re going to be humming that song all day – consider it a belated memorial to Patrick Swayze – but I make no apologies. All is fair in love, war and jihads against Ellen DeGeneres that lead to winning my 2008 breakup with my ex-girlfriend.

Ellen DeGeneres probably fears stake.

Remember, readers, when I politely implored you to follow me on Twitter? And then again a few days later, when I wrote about an end-of-days fantasy that concluded with me not being followed on Twitter by a man too good-looking not to have been born a biological woman? Suffice it to say, if you didn’t heed my early warnings and well-intentioned advice, you missed a Zombie Apocalypse and my tweet war against Ellen DeGeneres to shake her down for the $60,000 she never paid me for not going to prom twice. There are brain-eating monsters and celebrity alienation at your fingertips, and you’re content to sit on the sidelines. I just don’t know how you sleep at night. By “you” I mean you, readers. Ellen DeGeneres doesn’t sleep at night. Probably. Because odds are Ellen DeGeneres is a vampire – Ellestat, if you will – so that means she slumbers during the day. Seriously, guys, try to keep up. I can’t always carry you on my shoulders.

However, because I’m benevolent, I’ll give you a brief run-down of the action. It started out innocently enough. I jokingly tweeted Ellestat DeGeneres to promote my blog. Then I did it again. And again. Before I knew it, my tweeting had become like a “Golden Girls” marathon at 4 a.m. on Lifetime TV. I simply could not tear myself away.

In the midst of my misdemeanor harassment of Ellestat DeGeneres, my idol, Jenny Lawson (aka The Bloggess), posted details on her blog about the Zombie Apocalypse she staged on Twitter over the weekend. As a lark, in keeping with the undead theme, I tweeted The Bloggess about my in-progress extortion of a certain likely blood-sucking TV diva. (OK, no, I don’t know how she’s a vampire and yet also manages to dominate daytime television. I don’t have all the answers.)

Jenny Lawson probably likes steak.

Just as I was pondering which lady was more likely to either follow me or file charges, a comment appeared on my site from The Bloggess. And then she started following me on Twitter. And then last night, she mentioned me on her blog.

If you’re not familiar with The Bloggess, you might not be able to comprehend the enormity of this stroke of good fortune. Let me put it this way: She is the Conan O’Brien of the blogosphere, and I am the new Sarah Killen. If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, it’s because you’re not on Twitter. WTF? What the hell are you waiting for? Twitter is making dreams come true – my dreams. I don’t know whether or not Twitter will help you with your dreams, because I’m not psychic and I don’t know what your dreams are. But Twitter probably won’t make your dreams not come true. Then you, too, can rage against fangtastic Ellestat DeGeneres for not paying you for not going to prom. Or not.

Anyway, at some point while I was being slighted by Ellestat DeGeneres and recognized by The Bloggess, my ex-girlfriend Vicky tweeted and texted to say that it wasn’t fair that The Bloggess was following me when she was the one who had introduced me to her in the first place. Then she jealously declared, “This means war.” But I’ve known Vicky for a really long time, and I’ve become quite skilled at reading between the lines. I’m pretty sure what she meant was, “Wow, although we were together for six years and I started dating someone else a mere three months after you moved out of our apartment and now I’m deliriously in love with another woman and you haven’t had sex in six months and all you have for companionship are cats, The Bloggess is following you and that means you win. You win our breakup. You’re a better woman than I. And your wavy auburn hair is the most beautiful I’ve ever seen, especially when the natural highlights are illuminated by the late-summer sun.”

In summation, the past few days have been a whirlwind of winning. After having started this blog less than two months ago, I feel very much like a child actor who has peaked too early and will soon head down a slippery slope of drinking, drug abuse, depression and an appearance on “Celebrity Jeopardy.” Hell, I’m already more than half-way there, and I’m totally cool with that, because after a decade-long hiatus, little Doogie Howser is back on top. So be sure to check back with “Alone … with cats” in about 10 years, because it’s gonna get insanely awesome up in here.

P.S. If you missed it, here’s how the jihad went down:

alonewithcats: @TheEllenShow i just realized you owe me $60,000, but i still love you!

alonewithcats: if anyone bumps into @TheEllenShow, please tell her she owes me $60,000! we can work out a payment plan. i’m flexible.

alonewithcats: i’m hurt that @TheEllenShow is ignoring me. but that’s apparently what happens when people owe you, say, $60,000.

alonewithcats: i’m confident we can work this out @TheEllenShow. we’re both awesome. let’s put our heads together & crunch numbers.

alonewithcats: @TheEllenShow is ignoring me because she owes me $60,000. but it is an HONOR to be ignored by ellen.

alonewithcats: @TheEllenShow drives a hard bargain. i would accept monopoly $ as payment for the $60,000 you owe me.

alonewithcats: @TheEllenShow i would also accept hugs. 60,000 hugs from ellen. or one REALLY long hug. let me know!

alonewithcats: @TheEllenShow but it would have to be a really awesome hug. like, worth $60,000. with both arms.

alonewithcats: @TheEllenShow the hug would have to be worthy of an mtv award. BEST HUG EVER.

alonewithcats: @TheEllenShow BEST HUG EVER isn’t an actual mtv award category. but it should be.

alonewithcats: @TheEllenShow one hug gets you off the hook for $60,000. that’s generous of me. right, ellen fans?

alonewithcats: @TheEllenShow i’ve always been forgiving. and a fan of hugs. and ellen. it’s all coming together.

alonewithcats: @TheEllenShow ok, final offer: i forgive the $60,000 you owe me if you follow me on twitter.

alonewithcats: @TheEllenShow but if you want to hug me AND follow me, i’d be totally ok with that.

alonewithcats: @TheEllenShow you probably need to think over my final offer. maybe phone a friend? take your time.

alonewithcats: @TheBloggess is following me on twitter and commented on my blog! let that be a lesson @TheEllenShow.

alonewithcats: i’m positive that if @TheBloggess owed me $60G, she’d pay me back. with interest. that’s just the kind of person she is.

alonewithcats: @TheEllenShow hasn’t tweeted for hours probably b/c she’s deciding whether to pay me $60G. or hug me.

alonewithcats: @TheEllenShow reminder: i’d accept payment in cash, hugs or by following me on twitter. your choice.

alonewithcats: nobody disturb @TheEllenShow, ok? she’s got a really big decision to make. use your inside voices.

alonewithcats: @TheEllenShow sshhh. ellen needs her rest so she can come to terms with owing me $60G. sleep on it.

alonewithcats: not being blocked by @TheEllenShow is practically as good as being followed by her on twitter. win.

alonewithcats: is not being blocked by @TheEllenShow worth $60G? the answer is obvious. consider your debt repaid.

alonewithcats: @TheEllenShow now you can follow/hug me because you want to, not b/c i’m extorting you. ah, closure.

alonewithcats: burying hatchet with @TheEllenShow makes me feel very generous. you know what sounds like generous? degeneres. conclusion: we’re soul mates.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. March 30, 2010 3:16 PM

    Awesomeness. Also, for some reason @theellenshow is following me so that means she probably read my latest blog post and is now here reading this. (Hi Ellen!) And now we’re *both* going to get blocked.

  2. MirtoP permalink
    March 30, 2010 3:40 PM

    Do I get a cut of your $30G – or is it $60G now, I’ve kinda lost track – for having implored a skeptical a.w.c. to start dabbling in the Twittersphere? Or do I just bill Ellen directly under some inscrutable invoice line item, e.g., ‘payoff facilitation variable cost’? Just wonderin’…

  3. March 31, 2010 12:01 PM

    i dont feel cool enough to comment on this blog anymore. i am like the formerly “adorably pensive” boyband member who gets lost at the back of a pack of rabid fans for the soon to be chart topping lead singer.

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