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Passover and out

April 6, 2010

How was your weekend, Alone … with cats?

Gosh, that’s so kind and thoughtful of you to ask, readers. Hmm, let’s see. Passover, Easter, a blowup with my mother, The Bloggess linked to me again. You know, the usual.

My mom and I wrangled as I was en route to meet my pals Alexandria and Dana for Easter brunch at West Side Lounge in Cambridge. It went as follows:

There are cat cards for every holiday and occasion. Apparently.

Me: I can only talk for a few minutes. Just called to say hello.

Mom: Is this how you treat your mother, Jessica? It’s Passover, by the way.

Me: I know it’s Passover. Because you mailed me a greeting card with a cat wearing a yarmulke. And because I went to lunch at Zaftigs last week, and in place of bagel chips they served us matzo. But mostly it was the card that tipped me off.

Mom: Is it too much to ask that you call me during the holidays?

Me: Hi, we’re talking right now. I called you. Remember? Oh … gotta go. My Easter brunch dates just got here.

Mom: You’re choosing to celebrate Easter instead of your own heritage?

Me: Does it make you feel better to know that one of the women is Jewish, so we’ll outnumber the shiksa two-to-one?

Then she hung up on me, which I think really captured the spirit of the holiday. Specifically, the plagues part of the holiday. Her wrath is right up there with locusts and boils. I’d choose death of a firstborn son over dealing with her mood swings any day. Because I don’t have a son. And because my cats are girls, so they’d survive the mass extinction. And because ignorant imbeciles have run amok on our overpopulated planet, which is in dire need of a do-over. I’d been pinning my hopes on swine flu, which turned out to be a bust and one giant excuse for principals to shutter schools for weeks, thus ensuring today’s youths are even less educated than their parents. Way to perpetuate the problem, principals.

All I'm saying is dude talked about his staff. A lot.

At any rate, it’s been a while since I attended a seder or watched Charlton Heston in “The 10 Commandments,” so I’m a little rusty on the premise of Passover, but I’m pretty sure Moses led my enslaved ancestors out of Egypt and through the desert for 40 years with only unleavened bread for sustenance so eons later I eventually could piss off my mother by drinking a stomach-souring vanilla-vodka martini with a yellow peep floating in it on the day Jesus Christ was resurrected. With lesbians. I don’t remember the money quote, but it was something like, “Let my peeps go.” Really profound, Moses was. And wise. And totally ahead of his time. Then later he parted the Red Sea, which I’m fairly positive is just a euphemism for sex during your period. And although I’m not cool with that, I can’t really say it comes as a surprise, because, well, look at the man. Scraggly beard, dressed in a tattered bed sheet, always going on and on about his miraculous, well-endowed rod. Saw this one coming from a Nile away.

As Easter was winding down, I was sitting alone in my apartment with ice cream in my belly and a cat in my lap, procrastinating on writing my next blog post by accusing at least one of my Twitter followers of being a vampire. Then I noticed that Jenny “The Bloggess” Lawson had linked to my site again, this time choosing my remark as “comment of the day.”

If I ever meet Jenny, I’ll probably shuffle my feet, make no eye contact and nervously gush, “Hi, big ban of your flog. Fuck. I meant to say I’m a big blog of your fan. Wait. No. Why do you look so afraid? I’m harmless. Probably.” Translation: If that whole wife-mother charade with Victor and Hailey doesn’t work out, you’re the one that I want. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Jenny walked right into my trap. Everyone knows you can't mention Anne Frank or the Holocaust without making non-Jews feel crippling guilt. Exception: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

P.S. I just had second thoughts and turned to Google to avoid the ridicule and scorn of blog-surfing Bible thumpers. Did Moses part the Red Sea or the Dead Sea? Answer: Red Sea. I was right. I should *never* doubt myself.

P.P.S. Even if Moses had parted the Dead Sea, the period joke still applies. Red and Dead. Same difference, theologians.

P.P.P.S. Great. Now I’m having doubts about posting this. (see above)

P.P.P.S. If you’re reading this, I probably posted it. Or you’ve broken into my apartment. Sorry about the mess, robbers. I wasn’t expecting company. I’m giving away a secret gift – so secret, in fact, that even I don’t know what it is – to commemorate the 100th comment on my blog. It might behoove you to leave one, unless you don’t like winning. Then you’ve come to the wrong place, because this blog is all about winning. Winning at losing. Which still counts as winning.

P.P.P.P.S. Win.

14 Comments leave one →
  1. April 6, 2010 3:46 PM

    I love you.

    That is all.

  2. Elle permalink
    April 6, 2010 6:33 PM

    i’m pretty sure this is the perfect time to piss off our mothers. my mom’s catholic and we still manage to piss her off by a half-assed celebration of easter. for goodness sakes all the woman wants is a flower and we can’t even do that. we’re horrible horrible children.

    and didn’t they worship chocolate bunnies wrapped in gold foil in that movie? wait, that was calfs. same thing. i should go pray.

    and and if you want to get into Jenny’s pants just take a picture of yourself with your cats on your head. she’s totally into that.

  3. April 6, 2010 8:30 PM

    Wow. I love secret prizes. Like in Cracker-Jack. Which was not such a delicious snack treat. More like inhalable shrapnel.

  4. Carol Spy permalink
    April 7, 2010 12:39 AM

    That card is scary. My parents gave me an Easter card, which I found odd, as I’m an atheist and my dad’s a Jew. But it came with a check so I just smiled. Turns out my price for celebrating the birth of Jesus? $100.

  5. Carol Spy permalink
    April 7, 2010 12:40 AM

    Did I say birth of Jesus? I meant resurrection. Whatever.

  6. April 7, 2010 11:49 AM

    “at least one”?!? there were others accused of vampiredom? I thought we had a good thing going.

  7. Meghan permalink
    April 7, 2010 1:17 PM

    I discovered you through Jenny, and anyone that Jenny thinks is awesomesauce is total sparkle-love to me, for sure. You bring the haha, and I like that.

    Also? I appreciate your trepidation over Easter. My sister and I are agnostic and I bought her an Easter card, but it was more along the lines of “enjoy this Easter or the bunny gets it” I figure threatening a bunny took away enough of the Jesus-ness of the holiday to satisfy both her and myself. Yes?

    Alright, I’m done now. I’m a new reader, but you’re funny, I like yas.

  8. April 7, 2010 1:42 PM

    LOL! I found your site through Jenny, too. Very funny! I’m alone with *a* cat, but I can still relate. My mom still sends me Easter cards.

  9. April 7, 2010 4:01 PM

    I didn’t realize that Jesus had a resurrection this past weekend…does he know that? He’s been at my house drinking beer, taunting small animals, and watching ESPN (and by ESPN I mean porn). I will let him know he needs to get his ass in gear before he gets fired.

    Also, I’m sure you can tell from stalkerish like posting on your site that I am a HUGE fan! You’re very hilarious! Thank you Jenny!

  10. Lisa permalink
    April 8, 2010 3:23 PM

    Hey, we got an Easter card from (husband’s) Mom, too! With a $100 check for “Ella and whatever she needs.” Well, Ella really needs happy, relaxed parents so we spent it on dinner and drinks. She’s not even 2, she’ll never know.

  11. Lisa permalink
    April 8, 2010 3:24 PM

    Ella is not even 2. Mother-in-law is waaaaaaaay over two.

  12. Lisa permalink
    April 8, 2010 3:25 PM

    Oh, and I TOTALLY forgot the point of all: Looks like the going rate is $100 so your Mom clearly owes you a Benjamin. Especially after you had to write-off that bad debt to Ellen.

  13. Melanie permalink
    April 8, 2010 5:39 PM

    If only the conversation you’d had with Dear Old Mom had been written on the card instead of spoken, that would have been some quality PAN. Sigh. Still enjoyable tho.

  14. ahrcanum permalink
    April 9, 2010 9:10 PM

    Commendable, entertaining writing with a sense of humor even Jesus would enjoy. Regards

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