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Sooner or later you’ll get your second win

April 9, 2010

The winners of my 100th comment contest have been notified with the following e-mail:

Dear winner(s),

Hi.

You know how every year you enter the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes by subscribing to a bunch of magazines that you’ve never even heard of such as “Divorcee, eh? The Publication for, by and aboot Separated Female Canadians” and “White Flour: Aryans Cooking for a Cause” because you think it’ll increase your chances of Ed McMahon and the Prize Patrol showing up at your doorstep with a check for $5 million, even though you’re not even really sure whether or not Ed McMahon is still alive and sometimes you have nightmares about him sitting quietly in a plush chair watching you sleep, so even if he came to your house it’s highly probable that you’d scream “H-e-e-e-e-re’s Johnny, motherfucker!” and then beat him to death with a bat you named Johnny that you keep in the foyer for exactly this kind of circumstance and then you’d know for sure he’s deceased but then it’d be unclear whether you still get to keep the jackpot because you killed the messenger (even though he totally had it coming for haunting your dreams)?

Yeah, me too.

Well, this is just like that. Sort of. Because you won my 100th comment contest, winners!

You might be wondering why there is more than one winner, because it would have been impossible for two people to both have posted the 100th comment. I’m actually wondering that, too, and already regretting making this happen. Technically, Elle left the 100th comment. However, I thought I should probably add up and then subtract the number of times I commented on my own blog, which then made Tonya triumphant. Then I became enraged and inconsolable, because nobody likes to make a “Sophie’s Choice.” Also, because I hate math, which is why I went into journalism in the first place and recently started writing on the interweb. But now the blog is making me do math, which ruins my whole philosophy on life, and it’s likely on my shoulders to crisscross the globe warning wannabe scribes and bloggers to rethink their career paths and hobbies because you can pun, but you can never hide from arithmetic. Even if you’re skilled enough to make a pun with the word “pun.” I know. Life *is* cruel.

Ed McMahon: 1923 - 2009

As I was saying, I couldn’t decide which one of you to send to the gas chamber, so congrats, winners! I hope I haven’t made your dreams come true while simultaneously dashing them by informing you of the harsh realities of life and math. Because that would be just like Ed McMahon showing up unannounced with a multimillion-dollar check and leaving you no choice but to kill him. That would suck. Also, according to Wikipedia, Ed McMahon died last year. So if I’m the Ed McMahon in this scenario, this does not bode well. For me. I really should have planned this contest better. That’s probably apparent.

Anyway, winners, e-mail me some interesting tidbits about yourselves – TMI is appreciated and encouraged – so then I can choose a cheap proper reward to celebrate your commenting prowess.

Love,

Jessica, Isabel and Teva

P.S. Lisa gets an honorable mention for leaving three comments on the same post, which was clearly just an attempt to beat the system. Nice try, Lisa.

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13 Comments leave one →
  1. April 9, 2010 2:18 PM

    it was one of the wonderful post i’ve seen…
    outstanding balance of stuffzz….
    Amazing work….

    Visit mine and plz plz plz post your comments…

    Thank you…i’ll b in touch….

  2. April 9, 2010 5:36 PM

    V. v. sad that I was not one of those who got the winning letter. Although I guess being able to read it, along with your commentary, makes it better.

    No. Wait. It doesn’t. I still wanted to win.

  3. April 9, 2010 9:22 PM

    Damn. I should’ve left more comments. I keep a bat handy for beating on late-night killers, too. (A habit leftover from my days as a reporter!)

  4. Daannnaaa permalink
    April 10, 2010 8:45 AM

    I look forward to reading your blog posts. I’ve given up on reading anything other than tile receipts, baby books and your blog. You win! And believe it or not there is a prize involved. I was considering asking my father to impersonate Ed McMahon and deliver your prize to you, but now that you’ve alerted me to your homicidal streak, I will just have to bring it to you myself. I’ll give you one hint about your prize: it is related to your tendency to harbor delusions that you have feline offspring. And if I wrote a run on sentence, I don’t give a sh*t! I love math, and life is superdupercalifragilousalegious (especially when you don’t care about spelling.)

  5. April 12, 2010 3:59 PM

    I won! I won! My whole life has changed! I’m a winner now. This TOTALLY makes up for being beaten up in 4th grade.
    Thanks!

  6. April 12, 2010 8:57 PM

    I had no idea Ed McMahon died. The Acdaemy Awards totally snubbed him in their “homage to dead hollywood related people we actually liked”. I’m glad to have found your blog, it is my current favorite. Keep writing!

  7. April 12, 2010 10:52 PM

    Ha ha, I’m very amused that the person who posted right before me is “D”. It’s a brilliant blogging network of secret identities.

  8. April 13, 2010 5:43 AM

    Who is Ed McMahon, or more appropriately, who *was* Ed McMahon? Am I culturally starved or just living at the wrong side of the pond?

    Also, if blogging involves maths, I’m abandoning my blog as of now.

    • April 13, 2010 5:28 PM

      Back in the day, Ed McMahon was Johnny Carson’s sidekick on “The Tonight Show.” When Johnny retired, Jay Leno took over, before passing the torch to Conan O’Brien. Then Jay grabbed the torch back in a fit of failure and regret, burning a lot of bridges in the process (in keeping with the torch metaphor). Now Conan has a Twitter account (@ConanOBrien), and he’s headed to basic cable. He’s pretty awesome.

      But nevermind about Ed, Johnny, Jay, Conan and 50 years of American television history. Let’s talk about you, Jo. And our shared hatred of math.

      • April 14, 2010 2:02 PM

        I feel like I’ve missed out on so much. These late night chat shows. All we have is Jonathan Ross and his endless chats with Ricky Gervais. GAH!

        I hate math(s) so much I could cry. I once walked out of a maths exam at school and refused to finish it because I hate maths so much.

        Your turn…

      • April 15, 2010 1:45 AM

        I like your term “maths” in theory, but I think you may be enabling the problem. One math vs. multiple maths. Maths would indicate that there’s more than one, thereby forcibly pushing us kicking and screaming down the slippery slope of addition. And no one likes slippery slopes. Except skiers. Then again, no one likes skiers. So, I guess skiers and maths deserve each other.

        Anyway … I hate math so much that the last class I took was in 11th grade. Then I chose a major in college that required only one math class – statistics. But the prof was pregnant and had already mentally checked out, and if I’m remembering correctly, I got an A+ because she was in some sort of hormonal euphoria and completely stopped teaching and just doled out high grades if you signed the attendance sheet. That was a good semester.

      • The Bad Lady permalink
        April 16, 2010 10:15 AM

        We also took two quarters of economics, Jess, and they most definitely involved math. I remember this very clearly because I almost failed them–along with that damn statistics class. And magazine editing and production required that we submit a business plan for our magazine proposal. Didn’t do so well on that assignment, either.

        Last week my editor told me to convert a recipe that serves 100 to one that serves 4. It involved metric conversions and division and liquid ounces v. solid ounces, and I nearly had a panic attack at my desk. I felt like I was failing fifth-grade math all over again–only this time instead of getting a big old F on my report card, I’d get fired. Luckily, one of my coworkers cooks often enough that she does these types of conversions all of the time, so she did all the work for me.

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