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This land is your (Port)land, this land is my land

April 16, 2010

When I started blogging two months ago, I wrote that I hoped it would lead to a book deal and dates. So far, if you’re keeping score at home, I’m 0-2.

The closest I’ve come to being asked out was last week, when a lady named Lacey left the following comment:

hey! i just found your blog and you’re amusing and i’ll date you. i’m a 29-year-old-girl-dating-girl too. and i’m single and awesome. and i am totally in love with the bloggess, so we have that in common. and, you know, my love for her won’t interfere in our (yours and my, not the bloggess’s and my) relationship, because of victor and everything. so it’s pretty much perfect. i’m in portland, though. i don’t think you’re in portland ’cause i didn’t recognize any of those bourgeois-sounding Stations or Squares. sigh.

Sigh is right; I live far, faraway on the other side of the country in Boston. We are 3,096 miles apart. I know this thanks to Google, which is helpful and not helpful all at the same time.

Lacey and I have been exchanging e-mails. We talk about role-play sex. And Tina Fey. And how flattering it is to be stalked. And doughnuts. I think I’m in love and want to have her catbabies. She seems cool.

But alas, large-ass America is coming between us. America says, “Jessica, ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.” And I’m like, “Shut your face, America. I pay taxes, and I’ll fill out my census form. Probably. I’m not asking, I’m telling you to get me laid by a human who lives in a three-state radius.”And America is all, “The only one who wants you lives in Portland. Suck it.” And *this* is why everybody hates America.

Out of the 50 states, this one is my least favorite. No. Wait. I'm forgetting all the ones in the middle and South. But Oregon's no peach, either.

Frankly, I’ve never even been to Portland, but I’ve had just about enough of that backstabbing city to last a lifetime. Several years ago, my then-girlfriend Vicky traveled to Oregon to visit Jen, a friend from elementary school, and her strapping boyfriend, Hans, and they had the superest most amazingly awesome time ever hiking up mountains and camping in the wilderness and digging holes to shit in and not getting eaten by bears. Then she came home to me and the cats and announced, “I love Portland and want to move there! Also, I want to break up with you because you don’t share my love of the outdoors.” That’s not a direct quote. It was a long time ago. But she definitely used the words “Portland” and “the” and “you.”

We stayed together for a while after that, but our dynamic had shifted. I was always looking over my shoulder, expecting that fat, home-wrecking, burly slutbag Portland to appear from out of nowhere, toss petite Vicky over her plaid-clad shoulder and haul her away to a tent in the woods, where they’d live out their days free from the burden of indoor plumbing and electricity, sleep on the wormy, bug-ridden ground, don unflattering garb from sporting-goods stores, wear headlamps and nibble nuts and berries and Thai curry with tofu and mixed vegetables. Apparently, you can cook some cool shit over a fire. By “you” I mean “not me.” Please.

Hey, pretty indoorsy lady. How you doin'?

In conclusion: First I had a girlfriend. Now I have a magnet on my refrigerator that says, “I love not camping.” And a blog, that has yet to land me a date or a book deal. It has, however, reeled in a pen pal who lives in the city that ripped out my non-hiking heart.

Touche, America. Touche.

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17 Comments leave one →
  1. April 16, 2010 2:46 PM

    I also hate camping and the outdoors. It’s fine in pictures, but in real life, it’s just too . . . buggy. And verdant.

    I wish I could help with the book deal OR the dating, but I’ve got nothing. EXCEPT! Oh, no, nothing. However, I do enjoy your blog, so you have a fan. That’s something, right?

  2. meredith permalink
    April 16, 2010 3:05 PM

    k, so, i’m no closer and i don’t date girls, but i’d give you a book deal if i could. actually, i’m an editor, so i could be helpful, but i don’t edit for anything particularly useful in the book-deal arena. so, only vaguely helpful. also: huge fan of the blog and, as such, of you. so. yeah.

  3. Dawn Gin Master permalink
    April 16, 2010 3:58 PM

    Look, I’m a 28 year old lesbian in Illinois. If you could both just meet over at my place then it’s totally fair and in the middle. And I benenfit for having two girls who like girls at my place. Though you won’t want to stay… most girl lovin’ girls in southern Illinois love to hike and camp. That’s probably the only reason they’re here.

    I’m going back to blog readin’, comic book hoarding, and game playing now. I wish I could remember Sheldon’s quote from Big Bang Theory… something like, “Why go outside when man has spent thousands of years perfecting the indoors.”

  4. MirtoP permalink
    April 16, 2010 10:40 PM

    Book deals and dating are way off my 50-something scanner, but totally agree about the camping – yuck! My idea of a real vacation is an air-conditioned hotel room with cable and minibar (I know, I know, they’re insanely overpriced, but still…). There must also be a good (but *not* overpriced) restaurant downstairs plus a bar staffed with a bartender who knows how to make a superb dry Manhattan and featuring huge HD TVs playing either NFL football or opera (yeah, like that would happen, but still…) and where only people who have fewer than three heads try to talk to me. Oh, and this hotel should be in Paris, Berlin, Montreal or just about anywhere in Italy. Otherwise, I’m really not fussy.
    MP

  5. April 17, 2010 12:31 AM

    I once lost a love to Florida. After two months of dating, he and his cousin went down to for vacation and he came back doing backflips over the place saying, “We’re moving, isn’t this exciting?!” And by we, he meant his cousin and him, not me and him. But I could visit as soon as I wanted and stay as long as I could. He was a lovely lover, kind soul and amazing musician, but he really did smoke too much pot and attracted such loser friends, so no thanks.

    Actually, I’ve lost two loves to Florida. The second was already living in Florida technically in the winters, but we met a month and a half before he headed back down…with my broken heart.

    And what does Florida have that the Northeast doesn’t have? And when I say have, I mean, besides a lack of snow and arctic winters? They have sweltering humidity and baseball-sized mosquitos. Again, I say no thanks.

    That’s why I am doing the next best logical thing. Being wooed by a guy who lives even further away, 3060 miles to be exact, in California. No mosquitos or considerable humidity, but just as practical. *sigh* At least we have our Skype dates until Vegas.

  6. lacey permalink
    April 17, 2010 9:05 AM

    holy crap, i’m famous.

  7. Roxanne Samer permalink
    April 17, 2010 10:11 AM

    So I currently live in Chicago and am planning on moving to LA (even farther from you, sorry Jess) but I grew up in Oregon and the place is truly amazing. It’s gorgeous and laid back, and there are millions of places to go hiking and AT LEAST tens of thousands of girl-loving girls! Idk, maybe you should check it out & get a little closer to your datable reader base. Otherwise, hold tight. I’m sure the Bostonians will EVENTUALLY join the alone with cats boat! And when you get your book deal and sales soar out west, well, you may just have to come book tour our coast & see what you think for yourself!

  8. General Mommy permalink
    April 17, 2010 8:31 PM

    I never much liked Oregon, either. Though, I never had a reason. I’ve never even been there, so it was probably unjustified. I accept that, Oregon-ites.

    But NOW? Now, I have a reason. Sort yourself out, OREGON! The girl needs to get laid!

  9. April 18, 2010 9:30 AM

    You should move across the pond. We only have one divide, in that you’re either from ‘The North’ or ‘The South’. They’re both a bit crap though.

    This might make you smile RE camping: http://www.tvgohome.com/0106-2001.html

    *And* I’m dedicating my book to you whenever I get around to maybe finishing it, and we’re buddying up for the nuclear apocalypse.

    That last part has nothing to do with anything, but I thought I’d throw it in for good measure. Actually, almost all of this comment was kind off-topic. Sorry, I’ve only had one coffee today.

  10. The General (aka: Mommy) permalink
    April 18, 2010 3:24 PM

    Ah, Jo- you forget to mention the Scotland vs. England and Wales vs. everyone else as well as the north vs. south. Even if she lived here in Blighty, she might still have the same problem, if she lived in Hampshire and met someone who lived in Aberdeenshire!

    • April 19, 2010 12:55 PM

      You’re right! A haphazard error on my part. And what about all the county rivals: Yorkshire vs Lancashire?! I never even gave it a thought… But like I said, I’d only had one coffee.

  11. lacey permalink
    April 18, 2010 10:09 PM

    oh, yeah, also? i JUST NOW figured out (a day or so after i originally read this) that the word after “have her” was “catbabies,” not “eatbabies.” WHEW. that cross-out line muddled things a bit.

    • angielo permalink
      April 20, 2010 2:08 PM

      LOL! I also thought it said eatbabies. I’m much relieved.

  12. April 27, 2010 3:12 PM

    Portland is pretty slutty, now that you mention it. Unless you meant “Portland,” in which case, never mind.

    (I’m assuming Portland = me in this scenario, as I live in Portland, and am rather obscenely slutty. Leastways, I was when I had a steamy night-vision, aka “dream,” about some hotties last night. Which equates to reality, as everyone knows. Because if you’ve dreamt it, it’s the same as having done it.)

  13. redg_rl permalink
    May 17, 2010 10:19 PM

    i have a confession to make. i’m going hiking for 3 days in august. it’s a family excursion complete with bano & a real cabin to sleep in at night.

    i have turned down numerous backpacking invites, will you still be my friend? please?

  14. kendra permalink
    June 15, 2010 7:36 PM

    4 rlz ya’ll?? haters! I love it here in Portland, maybe if you tried it you would like it 😉

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