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Babies probably taste like veal

April 23, 2010

There has been some confusion this week about a word I used a few posts ago, in which I declared my undying devotion for Lacey, who randomly left a message on my blog saying she’d date me even though she lives more than 3,000 miles away in Portland, my geographic nemesis. I opined, “I think I’m in love and want to have her catbabies.” The sentiment seemed innocent enough at the time.

However, I styled the text with a line through it to indicate I was revealing a closely guarded secret from deep within the recesses of my psyche. Apparently, however, “catbabies” looks like “eatbabies” to a few of my more depraved readers, including Lacey. This misunderstanding reminds me of the time I became offended and incensed when an Italian chef known for feasting on felines declined to dine on my cats, Teva and Isabel, who no doubt taste delicious.

I hastily replied in the comments section, but I want to make this perfectly clear to everyone: No babies were eaten in the making of this blog. Because babies are gross. And I’m afraid of them. And I don’t like to put gross things that I’m afraid of in my mouth. Usually.

Also, I’ve been a vegetarian for more than six years. Even if I wanted to eat a hamburger or a baby, I’m disciplined enough to hold back, thanks to a little something called “willpower” – unlike the frauds who identify themselves as vegetarians and yet continue to shovel fish, mollusks and sea-dwelling cockroaches into their pie holes. Those people are living a lie. Who knows what they’re capable of. All I’m saying is if I had a baby, I probably wouldn’t leave it alone with one of those conviction-less, meat-munching phonies. Unless I had a hot date and was clamoring for a babysitter at the last minute. Or I was looking to escape the mounting pressure and intense emotional and financial responsibility of motherhood. Or I had a deep-seated desire to go to prison. I don’t. Unless it’s so deep-seated that I’m unaware of it. Then if I were to, say, eat a baby, or serve one to someone else with Diet Coke and a side of curly fries, it wouldn’t be my fault on account of the deep-seatedness. This is all just basic legal theory.

Aside from possibly me, guess who else eats babies? Like, for sure? The Irish, according to Jonathan Swift in “A Modest Proposal.” And President Barack Obama. You know who told me? The interweb. That’s how I know it’s true.

On, Sarah Palin tosses a baby with the head of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton toward a hungry President Obama.

While I’m on the topic of ingesting babies and other atrocities, a wanton web surfer recently found my blog by searching for “” That’s kind of terrifying. He obviously came to the wrong place for sex of any kind, human or otherwise. Then I made the connection between his queasy query and the apparently poorly chosen name of my site, “Alone … with cats.” OHMYGOD. WHAT HAVE I DONE?

Also, F-U-C-K. Thanks to this post, more Googlers are going to find my blog by searching for “” and “eating babies.” I think it’s apparent that the palate-challenged baby-eaters and shifty sheep-fuckers of the world are winning, and I walked right into their trap. I’ve done all I can. It’s out of my hands now. I blame Lacey for this sordid mess. If not for her, I never would have said “catbabies” in the first place. I think we’re breaking up.

15 Comments leave one →
  1. April 23, 2010 1:54 PM

    Babies have a surplus and are sustainably produced, often even humanely raised — I wouldn’t eat one myself, but I won’t fight you if that’s the dietary choice you’re making — UNLIKE oysters, which apparently are okay for vegans to eat (WTF? and UNLIKE bacon, which some people say doesn’t count as meat because it’s a condiment.
    Sorry, I guess I’m getting preachy in my old age.

  2. April 23, 2010 1:58 PM

    First, babies taste like chicken and that is just science.

    Second, had I know you were starting a website for beastiality and/or furries I wouldn’t have gotten myself so insanely hooked on your blog. or WOULD i?

    • meredith permalink
      April 23, 2010 6:45 PM

      so very true. i can vouch for this. because it’s science.

  3. April 23, 2010 2:54 PM

    Oh, I hope you a Lacey don’t break up. I was really rooting for you two wild and crazy kids.
    I love looking up how people get to my blog, once someone looked for “mother’s dripping” and then just for kicks I looked to see how often that phrase is looked up and – i shit you not – at LEAST 50 times per month! REALLY??? Perhaps I should start a blog about mother secretions and baby tasting and see where that goes?
    By the way, I got to your blog by looking up “girl on cat action during passover” (or maybe it was, who really can remember?)

  4. Melanie permalink
    April 23, 2010 5:43 PM

    Eating babies I can deal with. “Mother secretions,” however… Jess, congrats on graduating – finally! – to beastiality. I knew when you said you were starting a blog, it was just a matter of time. Speaking of secretions, I have a friend who still “leaks” milk from after having her last child. A daughter who is now 6. S-i-x. If the bio clock doesn’t make you want to procreate, that little nugget should. So let’s all raise a glass to Jess’ uterus. Speaking of uteri, my husband asked me the other day if they came in different sizes, as in, if you (or I) had a “small” one, he wanted to know if the traditional penis-style method of getting it on would still work, assuming the male digit was of course normal size itself. Yes ladies and gents, this is the potential father of my potential children, and also why I’ve started to drink heavily. And by drink heavily, I don’t mean my friend’s breast milk.

    • April 23, 2010 5:45 PM

      Man. Uteri. Let’s do a group post on this one. Oy.

  5. April 23, 2010 7:48 PM

    It must be true that babies taste like chicken since cannibals claim that human flesh tastes like chicken. Which kind of begs the question, ‘Why don’t you just eat chicken then?’ I will pose this question should I ever encounter one. Probably right after asking them not to eat me.

    In other news, someone found my blog by searching for “Ted Danson” right after I wrote about Ted Danson. It’s comforting to know that other people have Ted Danson fixations besides me.

  6. April 23, 2010 8:34 PM

    I love that you guys are adamant that babies taste like chicken, but nonchalant about the bigger, baby-eating picture. It’s testament to how far we’ve come as a society.

  7. April 23, 2010 9:46 PM

    my blog’s highest keywords via google fingers, chad, sexting. they may be disappointing that we’re lady bloggers, but high five gurl we’re bein found 🙂

  8. April 23, 2010 9:50 PM

    I had a dream when I was pregnant with my daughter that I had given birth, and she was cold, so I put her in a pan of bacon to warm up. Seriously. I even jiggled her around with the spatula a bit [to crisp up?].

    So I think babies taste like BACON. Not chicken. Or maybe they do taste like veal, because they’ve just spent 10 months [because 40 weeks IS 10 months, lying fuckers] in a cramped space, keeping themselves tender.

    Although maybe BABIES are cannibals, because my baby ate veal like a motherfucker. Seriously. She packed that shit away.

    I’m praying for you and Lacey. Sometimes, in a relationship, you go through trying times. Just focus on the good memories. You’ll get through it.

    I have to go braise my daughter now.

  9. lacey permalink
    April 24, 2010 5:10 PM

    alas. the most substantive romance i’ve had in months, and now it looks like it’s over. some comfort eating might ease the pain. WATCH OUT, BABIES.

  10. Danna permalink
    April 24, 2010 7:21 PM

    To all of you baby-deprived souls who in, cavalier manner, discuss the flavor of babymeat, I can only wish the best for you. And many baby kisses, hugs and smiles. Anyway Ms. Alonewithcats, this all explains your baby-eating propaganda, which disgusts me. I would not visit your blog again after all this disgusting and disturbing nonsense, but I am curious to see what you will rename your blog after you are no longer single. 🙂

  11. April 25, 2010 3:52 AM

    As an atheist, I am regularly called upon to eat babies. I have to be honest – I don’t like them all that much, but one has to keep up appearances.

  12. April 26, 2010 2:42 PM

    Let’s all please learn from this woman:

    Babies have strict cooking instructions and should not be prepared in the microwave.

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