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You shouldn’t say “bomb” on an airplane. You also shouldn’t talk to a child about going to a watery grave.

April 26, 2010

I’ve been all sorts of pissy for the past month that my Cleveland-bound flight from Boston that normally costs about $120 set me back $341. I’m certain there are far cheaper ways to be tortured that don’t involve my fucked-up family, the Midwest and the very real threat of deep vein thrombosis. Or I could have just squirreled away the $341 and put it toward my retirement fund.

A naysayer might argue that a glass eye would be more functional. That's why I hate naysayers. They're *so* negative.

But no. Apparently Continental doesn’t want me to be financially stable in my golden years. Continental wants me to pass on swanky independent living complexes with names such as Whispering Nuthatch, Land o’Lakes and Rock Hudson. Continental doesn’t care if I one day develop cataracts and can’t afford surgery and instead have to swap out my bad eye and put a blue M&M in its place. My eyes aren’t blue. They’re hazel. But if I need a new eye, and that replacement eye is going to be made of milk chocolate with a brightly colored candy shell, I think I’d choose blue. Sometimes, you have to live a little. Also, yes, M&Ms melt in your mouth not in your hands, but what about your eye sockets? The company has never really come right out and said for sure one way or another, and I kind of need a thumbs-up or down from them so I can make an informed decision. I should probably start circulating a petition demanding M&Ms be more transparent about meltability. Right after I boycott the ageist corporate honchos at Continental for monetarily screwing the future senior citizens of the world. Elders should be treasured, Continental.

Anyway, I was steaming about forking over $341, being age-discriminated against and unable to confirm whether or not candy could withstand the heat from a bone cavity in my skull until I overheard the following conversation during the flight on Saturday. Then I realized my life could be a lot worse – I could be a 6-year-old boy with this woman for a grandma:

Boy: (pointing toward pamphlet on airline safety protocol tucked into the seat back) Grammy, what’s this?

Grandma: A little book about airplane safety. Let’s see …

Boy: (gesturing toward the instructions) What does “salida” mean?

Grandma: That’s Spanish for “exit.” The picture shows how to open a special door to get off the plane if something goes wrong.

Boy: What if it won’t open?

Grandma: Then someone else will try. Here, it says, “Keep in mind the closest exit might be behind you.”

Boy: The bathrooms are behind us. They smell.

Grandma: Yeah.

Boy: (motioning at another illustration) Grammy, why’s the man wearing a mask?

Grandma: It’s for when we’ll need oxygen, if there’s an emergency.

Boy: What if it doesn’t work?

Grandma: It will. Look, the man’s helping the baby …

Boy: How could a man have a baby?

Grandma: Well, he can’t have a baby. He’s the daddy.

Boy: Oh. Grammy, why’s that lady in the picture in the ocean?

Grandma: The plane must have landed in the water. But the cushions in our seats become flotation devices.

Boy: (pointing) What’s this picture of?

Grandma: Passengers are bent over bracing for a crash.

Boy: But why is the man touching the lady?

Grandma: He’s probably trying to make her feel better about the plane going down.

Boy: Grammy, my teacher told us about 9-11.

Grandma: You worry too much, Sebastian!

Then Sebastian sat in silence, probably pondering the horrors of depressurized cabins, watery graves and poorly paid pilots who struggle with chemical dependence. That last fear might just have been mine, though. I’m not a mind reader. After the drink cart rolled by and Sebastian ordered apple juice, he accidentally dumped it in Grammy’s lap. “I knew this would happen if I let go of the cup,” she said while sitting in a puddle of high fructose corn syrup at 3,000 feet. Umm, yeah, I knew it would happen, too, because I was toying with the idea of taking matters into my own hands. And in this case, unlike Continental’s unforgivable abuse of the not-yet elderly with M&M eyes, this old, flabby bag totally had it coming. She pretty much scarred Sebastian – and me – for life. And *something* tells me her real name isn’t even “Grammy.”

16 Comments leave one →
  1. April 26, 2010 3:03 AM

    You know, now that you mention it, it’s not like “melts in your mouth, not in your hands” is a logical explanation. Since when is mouth/hands an either-or situation? Like, there’s no other body parts (or in your case, cavities) to be considered? I will sign your petition. With enthusiasm. And a pen.

  2. April 26, 2010 4:24 AM

    I have it on good authority that, given enough time, M&Ms do, in fact, also melt in your hands. Those cheeky fuckers will melt anywhere. So the real question is whether they’ll let you through airport security with a viscous multicolored substance tastily leaking from where your right eye should be.

  3. Danna permalink
    April 26, 2010 8:05 AM

    You might consider a Jelly Belly jelly bean instead. They come in a wide variety of colors. Maybe you could even switch them to coordinate with your outfit!

  4. April 26, 2010 8:22 AM

    I completely agree with Danna, don’t limit yourself to just the blue M&Ms, they have some pretty cool Halloween colors. I think you’d look hot with purple eyes. That is I WOULD think that if I’d ever met you. Also, try the green M&Ms. If EATING them helps you have more sex, imagine what inserting them into your eye cavity will do.

  5. The Bad Lady permalink
    April 26, 2010 10:27 AM

    Don’t be deceived, people. Jess wants a blue M&M eye because she’s obsessed with blue-eyed women. And blondes. Specifically, blue-eyed, blonde-haired ladies with names like Julie Andrews and Ellen.

  6. April 26, 2010 11:30 AM


    Even if M&Ms came out with some statement on the matter, I wouldn’t believe them – M&Ms very often melt in my hands – and I’m not like an alien or anything… Well, one of my friends suggested maybe I was, but that was because my hands were always so COLD, so I don’t think applies.

    If it did melt in your eyes, then you should go with red because the melted “tear” effect would probably look a lot cooler then.

  7. April 26, 2010 11:31 AM

    How do I follow?! You are awesome and I definitely think I need to follow!

  8. April 26, 2010 11:49 AM

    Grammy’s right, you know – Sebastian does worry too much. Just the other day he was giving his old man a hard time about buying a Prius.

  9. meredith permalink
    April 26, 2010 12:50 PM

    honestly, folks, the real problem here has nothing to do with eye-candy choices; it’s that you went to cleveland. i have family there, too, but i suggest you institute a you-come-visit-me policy asap. shudder.

  10. April 26, 2010 1:26 PM

    I don’t agree with kyknoord, I think poor Sebastian is now headed down a the slippery slope that involves lots of klonopin and prozac (I know this road, oh so well), all thanks to “Grammy,” who I agree probably is not his grandmother and is running some sort of child slavery ring (I’m pretty sure that’s where you were going with that, right?).
    May I suggest a marble instead of a blue M&M, while the chocolate from the candy will give your pleasure center a boost (apparently chocolate can give you a better high than kissing one’s lover) it will be temporary and also marbles are multi-colored so you don’t actually have to make a commitment to one specific color.

  11. April 26, 2010 1:58 PM

    You have issues…..but at least they are interesting and funny….and milk chocolatey. Also, I might internet stalk you. Just saying.

  12. April 26, 2010 4:08 PM

    The best thing about living in Florida is that I have not had to venture near Ohio in quite a while. Although I miss the feckless days of Akron, Cleveland, and naughty Dayton, everyone is more than willing to visit you. Especially in the winter.

    Also, consider green M&M’s and I might be driven wild with desire.



  13. April 26, 2010 10:38 PM

    I dont know why “watery grave” is such a bad thing. I like swimming, and dolphins, and starfish. There’s tons of dead pirates to keep you company, and if you’re bored you can search for sunken treasure. Being dead in water would be cool. Shows how much you know.

  14. madeaclay permalink
    April 27, 2010 3:06 AM

    After such depth about your recent blogging… you didn’t think to mention this post when I passed you the bag of M&M’s tonight? No look, no comment, not even a chuckle?

  15. April 27, 2010 10:10 PM

    i was reading this with the kids and my 3 year old saw the blue M&M and says momma thats the same number that’s in my name. 1)it’s a letter 2)there is no M in her name… good one M&M’s besides putting money into eye replacement testing research, you need to pour more money into kids education strike 2 M&Ms.

  16. April 27, 2010 10:14 PM

    Grammy is senile. That’s what happens. They stop knowing how to answer questions, so they cut people off or make jokes. True story.

    I know because I’ve been doing it for years.

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