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These fairy TAILS have very happy endings

May 14, 2010

Thanks to a lovely stroll down memory lane courtesy of Runaway Sentence, it has come to my attention that it’s Children’s Book Week.

The revelation, however, left me stumped: How can I, a 29-year-old single mother of cats, commemorate this seven-day stretch promoting the literacy of our children? By the way, by “our children” I mean “your grubby, germ-mongering, planet-polluting money pits.” But if you’ve already pushed them into this world, then I at least want to shove them in the right direction. Because as Whitney Houston once sang, the children are our future. Unless the children actually want to grow up to be like Whitney Houston. Then I sincerely hope they are not our future, because that would mean our collective future involves a tumultuous marriage to rapper-turned-life-wrecker Bobby Brown, chronic crack addition and co-opting Dolly Parton songs. Yes, Bobby Brown once was in an r&b group called New Edition, but don’t be duped like Whitney was. A proponent of literacy he most definitely is not. So here’s my wish for the future: More Dolly, less Whitney. We should make T-shirts. That would be an effective way to spread the word and publicize the cause. People will totally make the connection between children’s literacy and a slogan trumpeting a country-music titan and dismissing a drug-addled diva. Unless they can’t read. Which is why we’re making T-shirts in the first place. To promote reading. You’re welcome, children.

Kids, just say "no" to Whitney Houston and "yes" to Dolly Parton.

How else can I save the undeserving children this week? Well, I’ve been thinking, kids would be enticed to read more if the publishing industry sexed up the books geared toward their demographic. Now, it’s pretty clear to me that some authors already have keyed into this strategy. Simms Taback‘s “There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly,” for example, appears to be a charming story about a talented milf sure to spark boys’ interest in reading. Roald Dahl‘s “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” screams hot man-on-man action. Walter Farley‘s “The Black Stallion” probably would put Victor Appleton‘s “Tom Swift” and E.B. White‘s “Stuart Little” to shame. And Julie Andrews“The Last of the Really Great Whangdoodles”? Brilliant marketing, is what that is.

There’s apparently even a book called “The Little Grunt and the Big Egg.” True story – that such a book exists. The story itself is not true, though. It’s a prehistoric fairy tale about a caveboy who finds a dinosaur egg, and everybody knows the giant lizards were long gone by the time we humans showed up on the scene. So basically, this book teaches children a lie as well as sounds oh-so-very naughty. A tip of my hat to you, Tomie dePaolo.

But other scribes have been slow to catch on. They clearly need my help, so I’ve taken it upon myself to tweak the titles of some of the world’s most beloved kids’ books to make them more catchy and marketable. For the sake of the children.

(A word of warning: I’m about to desecrate all that you hold dear from your childhood. Proceed at your own risk.)

  1. “Goodnight Moon” / Goodnight Poon
  2. “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” / If You Give a Mouse Some Nookie
  3. “Tuck Everlasting” / Fuck Everlasting
  4. “Puss in Boots” / Pussy in Boots
  5. “Strega Nona” / Strega Nooner
  6. “Prince Caspian” / Prince Hasbian
  7. “Pinocchio” / Peenocchio
  8. “Sleeping Beauty” / Sleeping Booty
  9. “Where the Wild Things Are” / Where the Wild Flings Are
  10. “Thumbelina” / Cumbelina
  11. “The Emperor’s New Clothes” / The Emperor’s New Hoes
  12. “The Snow Queen” / The ‘Mo Queen
  13. “The Secret Garden” / The Secret Hard-on
  14. “James and the Giant Peach” / James and the Giant Veech
  15. “Make Way for Ducklings” / Make Way for Fucklings
  16. “Cloudy with a Chance of Meat Balls” / Cloudy with a Chance of Meaty Balls
  17. “The Polar Express” / The Polar Sexpress
  18. “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day” / Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lay
  19. “The Amazing Bone” / The Amazing Boner
  20. “The Grey Lady and the Strawberry Snatcher” / The Grey Lady and the Strawberry Snatch (This book was written by Molly Bang. Heh. Her last name is Bang, you guys.)

Please add to this list. The children are counting on you. Unless they don’t know how to count. Then they’re on their own. We giving trees can only spread our seed so much before we’re spent.

31 Comments leave one →
  1. May 14, 2010 10:31 AM

    The children are so greatful – this is obviously going to lead to skyrocketing literacy.

    And as someone who was absolutely obsessed with Dolly in Best Little Whorehouse while in elementary school, I’m a big fan of those shirts.

  2. May 14, 2010 10:50 AM


    “Roald Dahl‘s “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” screams hot man-on-man action.” <– BEST.

    (I hope the real children stay away from this blog post)

  3. May 14, 2010 11:25 AM

    Really, More Dolly? Don’t get me wrong but plastic surgery to create caricature-like bosoms is not really the message I want to send my daughter. Of course, neither is the rest of your library. Now, MY library on the other hand, well your list is a little short. You forgot these CLASSICS:
    The CAT in the HAT/ The PUSSY in the HAT (it doesn’t rhyme but you won’t care)
    The Lorax/The Xanax – The protagonist in this one is much more mellow.
    Custard the Dragon/Custard the Drag Queen
    Little Red Riding Hood/Little Red Riding Crop
    The Hobbit/ The Ho’Bit (Staring Dildo Daggins)
    Winnie the Pooh/Winnie the Pimp

  4. May 14, 2010 12:03 PM

    I hate to break it to you but I’m pretty sure those books have already been made into DVDs starring Jenna Jameson by Vivid Entertainment. So really, the kids don’t need to know how to read they can just watch the DVD!
    Also, I think it should be mandatory for all girls to get breast implants. This will allow them to a) be more like Dolly and b) compete in pagents, which is an important way for parents to get a sense of their own self worth while pimping out their children for small bits of cash.
    And lastly, it seems that Tomie dePaolo is probably a freaky creationist otherwise why would he make a porn book about little kids and dinosaurs. He ‘s getting inside our kids’ heads and then forcing them to Jesus!!

  5. May 14, 2010 1:03 PM

    Aw, I am so honored to have inspired such creative beauty! And I’m wishing for Alexander, whose day has been bad enough, that he does grow up to avoid bad lays. That is some true wisdom right there. Thanks, sister.

  6. May 14, 2010 1:37 PM

    oh, and I concur: More Dolly!

  7. HexingThoughts permalink
    May 14, 2010 1:41 PM

    Haven’t had enough caffeine to be real creative yet, but I’d like to point out that while my name isn’t Alexander, number 18’s tweak sounds like my ex-girlfriend.

  8. May 14, 2010 2:37 PM

    “by “our children” I mean “your grubby, germ-mongering, planet-polluting money pits.”
    Or as I fondly refer to them as ……………………… Crotch fruit !


  9. May 14, 2010 2:44 PM

    Just found this book in the children’s section: “Where Willy Went, The big story of a little sperm!”

    The cover features a sperm cell with goggles on. I considered buying it to do a book review.

  10. May 14, 2010 5:24 PM

    Here’s another: The Vulvateen Rabbit. I predict it will be the best-selling children’s book-slash-vibrator EVER.

  11. May 14, 2010 5:54 PM

    Haha, I would buy those. For my husband, though, not my son. Then maybe he would actually deign to read a book that is not prefixed by the letter “e”.

    (Except for numbers 6 and 12. I don’t get those two. Hasbian? Is that like a portmanteau of half lesbian? And ‘Mo? This one is too vague for my limited powers of perversion. Somebody please enlighten me.)

    • May 14, 2010 6:08 PM

      “Hasbian” is a term for a lesbian who now dates men. A variation of “has been.”

      ‘Mo is an abbreviated form of “homo.”

      I am being super helpful today and definitely making the word a better place.

      • May 17, 2010 1:35 AM

        Ah, okay. Now I would buy them all.

  12. May 14, 2010 8:08 PM

    I could swear I’ve already read ‘The Secret Hard-On.’ Or no…That’s just what my gym teacher used to make me ‘read’ after school. Man, before 2nd grade, I thought reading was done with the mouth.

  13. The Only Minx permalink
    May 14, 2010 11:32 PM

    Since I’m a reference librarian (well, I WAS one, it’s a long story) that I could come (hee) up with at least ONE tit-le, but I’m stuck.
    On a different note– Dolly’s Bosoms are real! She also makes a hell of a crab dip.

  14. May 15, 2010 5:09 AM

    A noble undertaking indeed.
    The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe / The Loin, the Bitch and the Closet

  15. May 15, 2010 9:26 PM

    How are you not Queen of the Universe yet? Or at least been canonized? A genius saint, that’s you. Giving your gift of knowledge to the little ankle-biting bastards who ruin EVERYTHING [“And this is why I don’t have nice stuff” is every parents’ refrain]. I’ll need several Dolly t-shirts – she is all manners of awesome, and word must be spread.

    And you are truly a giver.

    Charlotte’s Web – Harlot’s Web [this is a Victorian slut book]
    Huckleberry Finn – Puckerberry Pimp
    Black Stallion – Black Stallion [this stuff just writes itself!]
    Matilda – Whore

    Also, I’m getting worried about my social skills, because this is the kind of shit I’m CONSTANTLY thinking of and ALMOST saying to people on a daily basis. At work, at the store, at PTA meetings – it’s bubbling near the surface. At least now I’m going to have suggested reading for the children, so there’s a REASON for my foul mouth.

    • That Girl permalink
      August 24, 2010 5:58 PM

      I died at Matilda : Whore.

      Thank you for that.

  16. Alexander Dope permalink
    May 15, 2010 10:54 PM

    Oh, The Places You’ll Go / Oh, The Places You’ll Blow
    Cinderella / Sinned Her Fella
    I was lured over here by Kit who was preying upon my addiction to puns. I’m sure it was part of her plan to get me hooked on your blog. Mission accomplished. Hope you don’t mind me haunting your comments. Maybe there’s still room in your library for these:

    Sleeping Beauty / Peeping Nudie
    Little House On The Prarie / Little Whorehouse On The Prarie
    Hop On Pop / Pop On Pop
    Little Women / Diddle Women
    Jack And The Beanstalk / Jackin’ The Teen’s Cock

  17. May 16, 2010 7:38 AM

    wow, this post rocks in so many ways! aside from all the titles already stolen from me by the previous posters 🙂 i just keep thinking of roald dahl’s OTHER classic, “james and the giant peach.” i’m not sure we need to change the title; that is, if the youngsters can appreciate a little innuendo…

    also, just seeing that photo of whitney houston, which is most definitely one of the most ghastly of all her ghastly pics … well, it just added something positive to my day, so thanks! 😛

  18. May 17, 2010 8:32 AM

    One of the reasons I blog (other than I figured it would be a way to force Tonya to be friends with me) is because of my failed career in the publishing industry. YOU are the answer to all of their problems. I highly recommend you forward this email to all of the heads of the major publishers RIGHT NOW. Literacy depends on YOU! You are chock full of lucrative ideas! Don’t waste a single second. Get on this!

  19. redg_rl permalink
    May 17, 2010 9:58 PM

    oh hell, i read many of these on a daily basis & am sitting here laughing like a depraved loony. ‘make way for fucklings’ & ‘cloudy with a chance of meaty balls’, still have me in stitches.

    this is prolly stretching it a bit but, ‘the 3 little tittens? ‘ yet another variation on saba’s many unflattering nicknames like, ‘mahtitten’ & ‘mahshitten’.

    there are some mock golden books somebody made up awhile back that are also sensationally crass. only if yr bored of course though cos we need yr sage advice here @ alone.

  20. May 18, 2010 1:01 AM

    I have passed along the versatile blogger award to you. Check it out! On the May 17th post. xoxo

  21. May 18, 2010 11:07 AM

    i bet the research for this post was fun. 😉

  22. May 19, 2010 3:00 PM

    My favorite book titles when I was a child don’t really need much stretching:

  23. May 19, 2010 3:01 PM

    …specifically “Just Me and My Babysitter,” “Just Me in the Tub,” and “Little Critter Sleeps Over.”

  24. Sebastian Melmoth permalink
    June 1, 2010 3:16 PM

    Fairy Realm / Hairy Realm

    The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe / The Lyin’ Bitch Wouldn’t Disrobe

    The Faerie Queene / The Faerie Queene

    Alice in Wonderland / Phallus in Come-derland

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