These fairy TAILS have very happy endings
The revelation, however, left me stumped: How can I, a 29-year-old single mother of cats, commemorate this seven-day stretch promoting the literacy of our children? By the way, by “our children” I mean “your grubby, germ-mongering, planet-polluting money pits.” But if you’ve already pushed them into this world, then I at least want to shove them in the right direction. Because as Whitney Houston once sang, the children are our future. Unless the children actually want to grow up to be like Whitney Houston. Then I sincerely hope they are not our future, because that would mean our collective future involves a tumultuous marriage to rapper-turned-life-wrecker Bobby Brown, chronic crack addition and co-opting Dolly Parton songs. Yes, Bobby Brown once was in an r&b group called New Edition, but don’t be duped like Whitney was. A proponent of literacy he most definitely is not. So here’s my wish for the future: More Dolly, less Whitney. We should make T-shirts. That would be an effective way to spread the word and publicize the cause. People will totally make the connection between children’s literacy and a slogan trumpeting a country-music titan and dismissing a drug-addled diva. Unless they can’t read. Which is why we’re making T-shirts in the first place. To promote reading. You’re welcome, children.
How else can I save the undeserving children this week? Well, I’ve been thinking, kids would be enticed to read more if the publishing industry sexed up the books geared toward their demographic. Now, it’s pretty clear to me that some authors already have keyed into this strategy. Simms Taback‘s “There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly,” for example, appears to be a charming story about a talented milf sure to spark boys’ interest in reading. Roald Dahl‘s “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” screams hot man-on-man action. Walter Farley‘s “The Black Stallion” probably would put Victor Appleton‘s “Tom Swift” and E.B. White‘s “Stuart Little” to shame. And Julie Andrews‘ “The Last of the Really Great Whangdoodles”? Brilliant marketing, is what that is.
There’s apparently even a book called “The Little Grunt and the Big Egg.” True story – that such a book exists. The story itself is not true, though. It’s a prehistoric fairy tale about a caveboy who finds a dinosaur egg, and everybody knows the giant lizards were long gone by the time we humans showed up on the scene. So basically, this book teaches children a lie as well as sounds oh-so-very naughty. A tip of my hat to you, Tomie dePaolo.
But other scribes have been slow to catch on. They clearly need my help, so I’ve taken it upon myself to tweak the titles of some of the world’s most beloved kids’ books to make them more catchy and marketable. For the sake of the children.
(A word of warning: I’m about to desecrate all that you hold dear from your childhood. Proceed at your own risk.)
- “Goodnight Moon” / Goodnight Poon
- “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” / If You Give a Mouse Some Nookie
- “Tuck Everlasting” / Fuck Everlasting
- “Puss in Boots” / Pussy in Boots
- “Strega Nona” / Strega Nooner
- “Prince Caspian” / Prince Hasbian
- “Pinocchio” / Peenocchio
- “Sleeping Beauty” / Sleeping Booty
- “Where the Wild Things Are” / Where the Wild Flings Are
- “Thumbelina” / Cumbelina
- “The Emperor’s New Clothes” / The Emperor’s New Hoes
- “The Snow Queen” / The ‘Mo Queen
- “The Secret Garden” / The Secret Hard-on
- “James and the Giant Peach” / James and the Giant Veech
- “Make Way for Ducklings” / Make Way for Fucklings
- “Cloudy with a Chance of Meat Balls” / Cloudy with a Chance of Meaty Balls
- “The Polar Express” / The Polar Sexpress
- “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day” / Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lay
- “The Amazing Bone” / The Amazing Boner
- “The Grey Lady and the Strawberry Snatcher” / The Grey Lady and the Strawberry Snatch (This book was written by Molly Bang. Heh. Her last name is Bang, you guys.)
Please add to this list. The children are counting on you. Unless they don’t know how to count. Then they’re on their own. We giving trees can only spread our seed so much before we’re spent.