I’d like to thank the academy
I inspired one piece of artwork and won two awards in the past three days. Way to go, me.
OK, maybe “artwork” is a bit of embellishment. If you’re going to be a stickler for accuracy – fine. One of my many sad tales of woe led someone to scribble on notebook paper. And, upon further reflection, it was actually my ex-girlfriend’s ploy that prompted my pal to pick up a pen. So, I suppose, she – not I – was his muse. While I’m backpedaling on that, I might as well confess right now that I *technically* didn’t win two awards. But I definitely won the same award twice. Except it isn’t so much an award as it is a chain letter distributed among bloggers.
So basically, I received a duplicate of a chain letter and in no way sparked an artist’s creativity. Which is more or less what I said in the first place, sticklers.
After reading about how my ex-girlfriend Vicky broke my art by making comparisons between its title, “Rain Tree,” and the city of Braintree, Mass., which tragically conjures up memories of my stalker, my new friend over at The Other Side of the Mountain e-mailed me a drawing he doodled of an actual brain tree. Stay with me here. It’s a tree. With brains growing from its branches. For vegetarian zombies.
IT’S BRILLIANT. Now, every time I lay eyes on the stunning new artwork above my mantel, rather than my stalker, I think of ethically conscious, brain-eating zombies. Which is *so* much better. However, I found the sketch to be lacking a certain je ne sais quoi. And as it turns out, “je ne sais quoi” is actually French for “Teva and Isabel.”
- thank the person who gave you this award.
- share seven things about yourself.
- pass the award along to 15 bloggers whom you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic.
If I may be serious for just one paragraph, I’d like to thank both of the lovely ladies who deemed me worthy of their recognition, as well as the other readers who have found their way to this blog. I started this site on a whim and hoped it might be a place for me to share the hilarity of my strange little life with friends. That I’ve somehow managed to attract an audience beyond my ex and my mother is such a pleasant surprise, and I’m flattered that so many folks now are gleaning pleasure from my comical pain.
I’m supposed to share seven things about myself. Instead, I’ve decided to disclose tidbits about my never-ending devotion to Elton John. Here goes:
1. I fell head over heels for Sir Elton John in 1994 when I was about 13. I did not have many friends. These two things might be related.
2. I probably turned my parents against Elton John because I played his music so much as a kid. And by probably, I mean there was definitely a time in their lives when they wished they’d go deaf or suffer severe ear trauma so they’d be spared listening to “Your Song” for the billionth time.
3. When Elton John appeared on “Oprah” in the mid-1990s, my grandma, knowing how much I adored him, burned through a roll of film by taking photos of him on the TV screen. She was awesome. To be clear, the “she” in that last sentence was in reference to my grandma. But Oprah’s got it goin’ on, too.
4. I am the proud owner of several Elton John-themed dolls. I am insanely curious to know whether one in particular (which was ranked No. 9 on a list of the Top 10 Worst Dolls Ever) has a “hint of penis,” as my chum over at Bite the Bedbugs would say. But I’ll never know, because taking a collector’s item out of the box would be wrong. Duh.
5. At last count, I own 109 Elton John CDs. That does not include DVDs, nor the numerous albums by other musicians I’ve purchased because Elton John told me to. Stop judging.
6. I’ve attended about 40 Elton John concerts. At some point, I lost count. I typically try to sit in the first few rows, and I’ve seen him live in 11 states. And you thought my stalker was stalkery. I scribbled the list of states at work on my budget of stories going into today’s newspaper, and then inadvertently photocopied and distributed it to all my co-workers. Matt quizzically looked at me, then began to ask, “Jess, this list is of . . . ?” I interrupted him and nonchalantly responded, “The states I’ve traveled to see Elton John.” Then there was uncomfortable silence.
7. I had a date last night – the first in almost four months. You’re probably thinking this isn’t related to Elton John. And yet it is, because I used remarkable restraint by not telling her any of the aforementioned items.
Because the blogging community is so incestuous, many of my favorite blogs already have received the Versatile Blogger award. Which, as I’ve already discussed, is really just a chain letter masquerading as an award. And who doesn’t love chain letters? Me. I’ve made a half-assed attempt to pass this along to folks who were born winners but haven’t yet been saddled with this particular burden honor.
YOU’RE WELCOME, WINNERS:
Across the Pond, Adhoc Mom, Best of Fates, Blogging Dangerously, Crazy with a Side of Awesome Sauce, Crymes Syndicate, Courtkneerawks, Humans Are Funny, Jo and the Novelist, Runaway Sentence, Sarah Is Faraway, Tangled Up in Lace, The Engagement Project, The Other Side of the Mountain and The Suniverse.