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Win, lose or draw. Not in that order.

May 25, 2010

It seems as if it were only last week that I was lamenting how my ex-girlfriend Vicky broke my heart and my art.

Upon glancing at my kitten-a-day calendar, it appears that it really was just last week.

Huh. I guess time doesn’t fly after all. Probably because time doesn’t have wings. Or time has wings, but they’re just for show. Time is an ostrich, basically. Or a penguin. Or a chicken. And that begs the question, where did the phrase “fly the coop” come from? It’s cruel to chickens, really. A prickly, poultry-abusing farmer in olden times was probably like, “Fine, chickens. If you’re not happy here, why don’t you just fly the coop?” And the chickens were all, “We can’t fly, asshole.” Except chickens can’t talk, so they probably just kept that to themselves. But they were *totally* thinking it. Know what else chickens can’t do? Fly. Neither can time. I’m glad I cleared that up for everyone.

Anyway. You may recall that my artistic friend Kyknoord over at The Other Side of the Mountain e-mailed me an awesome zombified doodle to cheer me up, and I was humbled by the gesture. Humbled, that is, until I realized I was not his inspiration. That, in fact, Vicky was his muse. And therefore, the tally of hearts and arts broken by Vicky rose to three. You think you know a person.

Defeated and downtrodden, I began to resign myself to a life lacking purpose. Born to muse, I was not. Turning on the radio, I searched for solace in music, only to be accosted by Chicago‘s song “You’re the Inspiration.” You’re not helpful, Peter Cetera. Next up came “On the Wings of Love” by Jeffrey Osborne. Love doesn’t have wings, either. The radio was mocking me. Also, this was a really shitty station. That’s probably apparent.

Then I wandered back over to The Other Side of the Mountain and was shocked to find this:

This is hands-down one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. And such a wonderful random act of kindness. And, more importantly, I win! I’m inspirational! And a muse! I can say this with 100 percent certainty, because Kyknoord used the actual words “inspirational” and “muse” in his post about me. My cats and I have arrived. I’m not sure where, but we’ve definitely arrived. This is probably one of those times when my mom would say, “It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.” And I’d respond, “Oh my god. I love the band Journey. But not as much as before because, in my opinion, Steve Perry is irreplaceable.” And then she’d shake her head and sigh.

And you know what’s the best part about inspiring art? I look thinner as a cartoon. Although I seem to not have any boobs. But that’s a small price to pay for being thinner. They can’t take that away from me. And by “they” Gershwin meant “Vicky.” Fuck. Now Vicky’s inspiring songs, too.

Although, come to think of it, I might be the “they” in this scenario, and Kyknoord is probably the “me.” Now replace the word “can’t” with “can.” Now pat your head and rub your belly. I did, after all, swipe his comic strip and slap it on my blog without asking permission. This is all getting rather complicated and confusing. You should probably just head over and pay “me” a visit.

And be sure to tell “me” that “they” sent you. Because that makes total sense.

OMG. Why are you still here?

Time’s flying. So to speak.

26 Comments leave one →
  1. May 25, 2010 2:19 PM

    Frick. See, you try and be a good online friend, then here someone else comes along, drawing cartoons. Well, I can’t draw cartoons, okay?

    I don’t have artisitic talent.

    There, you made me say it. (Or write it. Both actually, as I speak everything I type aloud. It makes me very popular among the office staff.)

    Are you happy now?

  2. May 25, 2010 2:42 PM

    I do best adding words in Paint to existing photos. This is my next project.
    P.S. Steve Perry is irreplaceable and forever will be until they get that man’s voice down to a science. And by “they,” I mean “me” because once I do, I’m totally hijacking the band and laying claim to the millions of dollars associated with the “Journey” name.

  3. May 25, 2010 3:43 PM

    Remember when Steve Perry did that “Oh Sherrie” song? Yeah, well, I still sing the beginning part “Cinnamon Gum!!!!” because fresh breath is important.

    That’s all I got, man.

    friggin crickets….

  4. May 25, 2010 4:02 PM

    I always feel so bad for chickens. 😦

  5. MirtoP permalink
    May 25, 2010 4:23 PM

    This cartoon redefines brilliant. Wow!

  6. May 25, 2010 4:29 PM

    Oops, sorry about the boobs. Here they are –> (.)(.)

    • May 26, 2010 1:04 AM

      For someone who lives a world away in South Africa and has never met me nor my cats, you draw Teva, Isabel, me and my breasts *exceptionally* well. Please feel free to continue to be inspired by all five of us, kind sir.

      • May 26, 2010 4:12 AM

        Those boobs look exactly like I imagined yours to be

  7. May 25, 2010 4:44 PM

    Damn, I always thought chickens could speak AND fly. Maybe I have been living with the wrong kind of chickens all my life. . .

  8. May 25, 2010 4:45 PM

    Time doesn’t fly, love doesn’t have wings – when did we start with the abundance of bird orientated metaphors. You know what has hardly any metaphors? Fish. Fish have almost no metaphors – but fish would rock metaphors way more than birds.

    Doesn’t time swim?

    On the fins of love.

    Plenty more fish in the sea… she’s like a fish in water… fishing for complements…

    Shit. Fish have loads of metaphors. I’d even go so far to say as Fish have more metaphors than birds.

    Dammit. I really thought I had something there.

  9. May 25, 2010 5:06 PM

    I swear there is a DJ out there somewhere who knows when we have gone through a break up and purposely stalks us on our radio dial.

  10. May 25, 2010 5:27 PM

    So much to say! Firstly, congrats! I would love to be someone’s inspiration. Especially for a song. That would kick ass. Alas, the only thing I inspire others to do is laugh at me and/or run in the opposite direction. So, I envy you this. Bravo! Also, I am sorry for your heartache. I was just dumped like…2 days ago, so I understand. Longest effing 2 days of me life yo.

  11. May 25, 2010 5:45 PM

    You know what else does not have wings and therefore cannot fly?


    Poor little bastards. You probably can’t get any lower on the no-fly-zone of birds than a kiwi.

  12. May 25, 2010 6:48 PM

    teva looks great in that suit.

    also: the cartoon suggests you have excellent guns. which is awesome.

  13. May 25, 2010 7:56 PM

    shit. now i’m drunk, confused, and really have no idea whose blog i’m reading…. but there were cats, yes? and art-breaking southafrican genius-boyz who resurrect us when we’re not expecting it? bourbon? yes. i’ll have another…

  14. May 25, 2010 9:07 PM

    I always visit your blog intending to leave some witty comment and then I get to the bottom and realize I have no idea what just happened and I have a terrible headache – in a good way.

  15. May 25, 2010 11:34 PM

    I wanna be a muse! How does one become a muse?
    btw… you can not replace Steve Perry. … jmo………….lol

  16. Joanne Schiffbauer permalink
    May 25, 2010 11:42 PM

    Loved your post; sweet and funny with just a hint of melancholy!

  17. May 25, 2010 11:46 PM

    The best art I’ve ever created is punk rock Barney. And I just dedicated that to myself. I need to get out more. A cartoon strip? You really HAVE arrived!

  18. May 26, 2010 12:14 AM

    My brother is the co-star in a comic strip. His girlfriend got to be in it, my mother’s feet make an appearance, but does the charming, anal-retentive, OCD, list-making, cat-loving sister get a cameo???


    Bitter? Why yes, thank you. I nice tall glass of it. With one of those little umbrellas, please.

  19. May 26, 2010 4:03 AM

    Here’s something even more mind-bending than ending up being a muse when you thought that you were NOT going to be a muse (amused?). (Although, not that I’d KNOW what it feels like to be rejected as a muse, because I’ve never even come CLOSE to being one.) Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Reading this here blog and finding out that two of my unrelated friends (as in they don’t know each other, although with all the artificial insemination going on nowadays and sperm donors they COULD be related, but… oh, never mind!) BOTH read and comment on your blog! Ms. Pants who I actually had phone conversations with when I lived in that wondrous country of yours (and I include Oregon in that ‘wondrous’ sentiment, sorry) and the artistic Mr. Kyk who is practically (but not really) my neighbour here in South Africa! Incidentally, Ms. Pants is VERY artistic too. You seem to attract them!

  20. May 26, 2010 9:02 AM

    I’ve never known a muse before. Do you have other superpowers? Flit along in a toga with a harp? Meddle with the mortals?

    You’re v. v. impressive, particularly for having a cat who will wear a suit [even if it’s just in a cartoon] because I can’t even get my cats to sit still for a brushing.

  21. May 26, 2010 9:08 PM

    An amusing muse, musing upon amusing musings. Or something.

    You are very, very funny. And by funny I mean ha ha funny, not strange funny. Although…

    And a Kitten-a-day calendar – me wants!

  22. May 27, 2010 11:38 PM

    I like Teva’s suit, where can I get one of those? And also that would be awesome to have my cat update my twitter, FB, blog. Although I have a feeling all she would type would be “they starve me here” “send food” “I am NOT fat, that vet’s just a thin asshole”

    You make a great muse. I laughed, I cried, it was better than…wait…uh, Wicked?

  23. May 28, 2010 2:46 AM

    yeah. wings are to chickens what spleens are to humans. So not fair for chickens. Although I would rather have wings flapping around than spleens flapping around.

    Having wings that don’t work is like having a car and not reaching the pedals. Or being a muse and not even knowing it.
    You’re a muse to many, my friend with cats.

  24. Sebastian Melmoth permalink
    June 1, 2010 2:31 AM

    Hey AWC, what’s the opposite of “fag hag”? Because that’s what I want to be to you. I mean, I LOVE you. In a straight way.

    Yours truly,

    lesbo non-homo.
    dyke kike.
    rug-muncher cattle-puncher.
    … or sumthin’

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