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My father is a motherfucker. There’s a good chance yours is, too.

June 20, 2010

My very good friend/co-worker/catsitter, who comments regularly on this site under the name MirtoP, turned to me the other night in the newsroom and sarcastically said, “Don’t forget to read the column in tomorrow’s paper about daddies and daughters!”

At least I think that’s how the conversation started. I have a really atrocious memory. This is why I’ll never capitalize and cash in on my traumatic suburban childhood by writing a searing memoir – I have virtually no recollection of being a kid. Also, I didn’t have the foresight to keep a diary. Well, that’s not totally true. I started one when I was about 14. For a few weeks, I diligently channeled my tortured teenage thoughts from pen to page. But by “thoughts” I mean “Elton John lyrics,” because my dwindling days as a diarist coincided with my coming to the conclusion that I was born to be Elton John‘s BFF. So basically, all I did was scrawl songs, and my diary was an early exercise in plagiarism. And Elton John lyrics wouldn’t ever help me cobble together my tell-all tome, so I quit cold turkey. Elton John lyrics wouldn’t even help Elton John churn out his autobiography, because Elton John doesn’t write his own lyrics. No one wins. Except maybe lyricist Bernie Taupin. But I don’t think Bernie Taupin wants me to help him write his memoirs. And thus, my book dreams remain out of reach.

It isn’t just my childhood I cannot recall. My short-term memory is a lost cause, too. At the beginning of June, mere weeks ago, I enthusiastically commented to my co-worker Diane, “This is the month we get paid three times!” And Diane was all, “Uh, no it’s not. You’re thinking of July.” I replied, “Oh. Right. Damn it. July. July, July, July. I’m definitely not going to forget that. JU-LY. When are we getting paid three times? July.” Then, the other day, the first thing I said to Diane upon arriving at work was, “Finally. This is *our* month. We get paid three times!” And Diane blankly stared at me and shook her head. “No, Jess. It’s still June. July, remember?” This is sad on so many levels. Mostly the level on which we don’t get paid three times.

Anyway. MirtoP – at least that’s whom I think I was talking to – was like, “(Something-something) … daddies and daughters!”

I was all, “Daddies and daughters? Oh. Motherfucker. It’s Father’s Day.”

I have no memory of this. Dad and I appear to be in a pool. Beyond that, it's anyone's guess.

Then I instantly felt like the world’s worst daughter, because not only had I forgotten Father’s Day, as well as all the happy times we may or may not have shared together in my youth and adulthood that I don’t recall because I never jotted them down in a journal for posterity or possible parental exploitation in publishing, I then swore about the holiday with a word whose first half is “mother,” which sort of steals Dad’s thunder on his one day of the year.

To redeem myself, I started thinking about the literal meaning of “motherfucker.” One who fucks a mom, right? And who fucks moms? Fathers. Barring an alternative lifestyle. Or artificial insemination. Or adultery. Or alien abduction. At least once. Sometimes more. I have a younger brother eight and a half years my junior, so I guess technically that makes my dad a two-timing motherfucker. For once, my mom and I agree on something.

Now I’m grossed out thinking about the two times my parents had sex. Awesome.

Fortunately, I’ll remember none of this tomorrow.

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33 Comments leave one →
  1. June 20, 2010 9:07 AM

    “two timing motherfucker” I love it

  2. Danna permalink
    June 20, 2010 9:08 AM

    Wow, is that really you and your Dad? He’s REALLY good looking. No wonder he’s a motherfucker.

  3. June 20, 2010 9:22 AM

    actually I forgot to say that your Dad was really good looking too!

    I love your sunglasses….looks like they gave you the creativity you have today! 🙂

    Was that pool in Cleve Hts?

    • June 20, 2010 12:40 PM

      Actually, they’re not sunglasses. They’re goggles. I have vague recollections of wearing them in the shower, too. I think maybe the photo was taken in Florida when we went to Disney World. Or it may have been taken last week. It’s hard to say.

      Also, yes everyone, that’s my real motherfucking father. He’s very good-looking, and I inherited none of his genes. I always thought he resembled Charlie Sheen, but then a few years back my friend Laetitia said he’s more Willem Dafoe. Life isn’t fair, because the only celebrity I don’t look like is Tina Fey.

  4. June 20, 2010 9:22 AM

    Oh Jess, you’re a peach! How can I ever repay you for showing me that I, too, am a motherfucker? And a mean one, as well!

  5. June 20, 2010 10:42 AM

    After I had my daughter, my husband was thinking it would be hilarious to get Motherfucker tattooed above his man part. I agree that it would be hilarious, but I’d rather his tattoos were less ridiculous, so it’s stayed a dream.

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who can’t remember her childhood. I’ll get flashes of stuff, but it’s always random, like the time I fell out of the tree or the time I used too much of my mom’s VO5 styling cream and my hair looked like it had been pomaded. Fancy, right?

    Anyway, cute photo of you and your [smoking hot] dad. I couldn’t leave this without making you uncomfortable.

    Also, my condolences on not getting paid three times this month. Stupid fucking June.

  6. Obiwan Ben Buckley permalink
    June 20, 2010 11:39 AM

    Maybe it’s the month we were supposed to get ‘laid’ three times. Dammit, missed that too. Not to worry, though, I’m such a motherfucker I’m gonna be a grandpa. Oy!

  7. June 20, 2010 11:42 AM

    If my Bio-Dad didn’t READ my blog (the stalker), I’d write a HILARIOUS post about how awesome my step-dad and father-in-law are, but then it’d be a whole Thing.

  8. June 20, 2010 12:41 PM

    I’m adopted. So that means I’ve successfully spent the whole of my life believing that my parents didn’t ever have sex. I mean, they just bought me at the baby store, so no sex there! Right? RIGHT?

  9. June 20, 2010 12:48 PM

    As long as there are words to string together in sentences, there are memories.

    You do not have to explicitly state they are *yours.* Law of averages says that with 6 billion people in the world, they must belong to *someone.*

    You don’t need a better memory. You just need a better PR and legal department.

  10. June 20, 2010 1:52 PM

    Your dad was pretty hot.. but he’s no Elton John. =]

  11. June 20, 2010 2:39 PM

    Goggles! I knew that!!! DUH!!! Sorry………..was having a fake blonde moment…..

  12. June 20, 2010 3:47 PM

    While your pops *is* handsome – he does appear to have a bit of a mullet going on. Or at least just straggly bit of hair wriggling its way down his neck. Either way, he loses handsome points for his unkempt ‘do’.

    Ps. Did I ever mention how much you look like Tina Fey? Even at a young age. In goggles. It’s totally there.

  13. June 20, 2010 4:57 PM

    You are hilarious. By this definition, my dad is the king of motherfuckers. Too bad they weren’t all *my* mother. :[

    I have too many lost memories of childhood before age 10 myself. Sad really.

  14. June 20, 2010 8:55 PM

    I literally cannot wait to go tell my husband he’s a motherfucker. You’ve brought me joy.

  15. Sally permalink
    June 20, 2010 9:17 PM

    Your dad is HOT. If I weren’t happily married, and this was him now, I’d want to be a Jess’fatherfucker!

  16. Sally permalink
    June 20, 2010 9:17 PM

    Oh, and he looks like Joey from the early years of Friends.

  17. June 20, 2010 9:19 PM

    Yeah, all of my exes, and my current girlfriend, are technically motherfuckers. I realized this, after the second motherfucker got me pregnant, and then was all, “huh, no, let’s not” and I was all “huh, yeah, one word buddy…va-sec-to-my. Cause this one, we’re havin”.

    Anyway this was a decade ago, during my “angry years”. I was oftimes given to say “they’re all motherfuckers, and I have the right to say that, cause I’m the mother they fucked”.

    But I’m calm now 🙂
    Gay, even. *wink*

    Great post.

  18. MirtoP permalink
    June 20, 2010 11:10 PM

    Just for the record, you remembered our brief “dads ‘n’ daughters” conversation perfectly. But you left out – or maybe forgot – that you wrote “FATHER’S DAY” on your hand right away so you wouldn’t forget. Which kind of confirms your awareness of having memory issues. And, yes, I agree with all the above comments that your dad is hot indeed. But that makes sense astrologically, considering he and I were born on *exactly* the same day, ha-hah. Never have I been so literally old enough to be a pal’s father. But no mother-fucker, I!
    🙂

  19. June 21, 2010 8:56 AM

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who can’t remember their childhood. I told my sister that I replaced it all with trivia. Duh, like who wouldn’t.

    You know how Mom’s tell you to find something you are good at? Well my Dad was apparently good at sex because like 10 kids later he was still going forth and multiplying. He would have had more but unfortunately he died. Oh and he like trees.

  20. June 21, 2010 1:26 PM

    I just love breaking down curse words. For example: asshat.
    Ass, which is to say one’s hindquarters, and hat, an article of clothing worn on the head.

    What does it even mean?? It’s hilarious!

    Unless of course the ass is actually donkey in which case it means either a hat to be worn by a donkey or a hat made OUT OF a donkey.

    Either way, it’s not as much fun as the first.

  21. June 21, 2010 1:34 PM

    I hate people who want to laugh sweetly and tell me all about their ‘daddies and daughter’ days together. I like making them uncomfortable by saying, “MY DAD’S DEAD.” It’s actually fun. Try it. It especially works well in foreign lands when people are trying to get you to buy souvenirs and they won’t shut up about how a certain rug will look so great in your dad’s house.

    Fortunately, my dad was only a motherfucker a few times. Then he turned to a gaymanfucker, which is definitely less insulting in today’s society. Unfortunately, he was also a spineless dick sometimes, so that makes up for it.

  22. June 21, 2010 10:57 PM

    Oh, lord. Two-timing motherfucker. Oh, lord.

    I tagged you in a recent post. For just such posts as these.

  23. June 22, 2010 11:14 AM

    My daughter June is OBSESSED with goggles. What do you think this means?

    • June 22, 2010 5:04 PM

      I’m going to need more details to make an informed decision. What are her thoughts on Elton John? And cats?

  24. June 23, 2010 1:40 AM

    Ah! I just saw your tweet ’cause I was reading your blog, and I don’t understand this tweet shit. Anyhow, we had a random ass cake appear in the newsroom one day that said something about retirement but the name on the cake had already been eaten! So we spent quite sometime trying to figure out who retired. We later found out an editor dumped it off in the newsroom — it was leftover from his father-in-law’s retirement party. Yum!

  25. June 23, 2010 12:58 PM

    Well GREAT my parents have 3 children. I don’t even want to think about it…

    I kept a diary for like a week when I was in 8th grade. It’s all angsty and bitchy. I like to think I was better than that but I wasn’t. Now I want to go back in time and punch my younger self in the face for crushing my hopes.

  26. Cat Hat permalink
    June 23, 2010 8:23 PM

    Forget this mother fucker. What is going on with Katie?

  27. July 7, 2010 4:29 PM

    The best Father’s Day post I’ve ever read.

    Not that I’ve read that many. Fathers really get screwed.

    And I mean in the societal way of course, not by mothers.

    But I’m sure if I had read quite a few Father’s Day posts this would still be my favorite.

    I hereby declare.

  28. Yogesh permalink
    August 30, 2014 10:50 PM

    My dad is mother fucker too
    he makes my life sucks…!
    Wat d fuck…!

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