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Gray’s anatomy, or If you’re thinkin’ about being my baby it don’t matter if you’re black or white

June 29, 2010

It used to be too soon to talk about my dates with Katie.

Now it’s too late.

But by previously mentioning her on my blog, I shot myself in the foot and now owe everyone an explanation. Well, no feet actually were shot. I mean, some feet somewhere may have been shot at some point. Like in the ‘hood or something. But my feet are fine. My heart has seen better days. Sort of. I mean, my heart can’t see. Because it doesn’t have eyes. My heart is blind, I guess. Like love. And Venetians. And Stevie Wonder, who has eyes but can’t see. I officially have no idea what I’m talking about.

So, it’s too late to tell you about my five practically perfect dates with Katie. And about how we share a fondness for Cole Porter and the subtle sexiness of words. And completely disagree on the edibleness of olives. And about the time we got lost while meandering in Mount Auburn Cemetery, and when it suddenly started to rain we took refuge under the most incredible tree with weepy branches, and then shared kisses and caresses in what was hands-down the most romantic moment of my life.

It’s too late because she broke up with me without warning last week.

At age 29, this is the first time I’ve ever been dumped. Probably because I don’t date much. This is probably why.

I’m not going to delve into details, but Katie claims we have one key difference. Let’s just say that she’s black, and I’m white. Except she’s not actually black. I’m white, though. But it would be totally OK if she were black. I’m not a racist. Don’t get me wrong – I *love* black people. But if one of us is black in this coupling, it’s not me, because I’m pretty much the whiter shade of pale Michael Jackson always dreamed of being. Wait. Is that racist? Shit.

As I was saying, Katie thought her black would be incompatible with my white. Kind of like reverse discrimination. For shame. Even though we’d never put it to the test. Even though Paul McCartney says that “ebony and ivory go together in perfect harmony.” Even though the cool thing about colors – and people – is that they have a profound capacity for compromise. And complementing. And blending. And together, there’s a chance we could have melded to make the most amazing gray ever.

It’s too early on to be heartbroken. But I’m not not heartbroken, either. I wasn’t in love with Katie, but I was looking forward to falling in love with her. I had just started to warm up to the idea of being “A little less alone … with cats,” as my friend Tom teased recently. And I think, ultimately, the split wasn’t about my stark whiteness or her bold black, but rather her fear of how great our gray might be.

Now we’ll never know.

There’s also a slight chance I scared her off by mentioning marriage during Date 3. But I was kidding. Possibly. Learn from my mistakes, you guys.

My friend Alexandria took me out over the weekend and got me soused on sangria, which I dispiritedly sucked down through a straw. This helped immensely. I don’t know what this says about me, but two other friends thought the best way to cheer me up was through gratuitous pussy jokes. Carol, calling from San Diego, said, “Hey, I know what will make you feel better. Imagine the word ‘VAGINA.’ Now change the letter G to N. That’s the name of the person I had to call the other day at work. Vanina. VA-FUCKING-NINA. I refused to say it. Even if she were born 100 years ago, vaginas were still called vaginas back then. Her parents have no excuse. Right? Right?”

Regarding Katie’s scaredycatness, my friend Sarah cracked, “Being a pussy does not bode well for the pussy!” Wise words.

My friends know me so well. I’m lucky to have them.

And in the meantime, in the absence of the gray I hoped I’d found, I’m also fortunate to have the companionship of the two best grays a girl could ever want.

Isabel and Teva are stuck with me.

(I love your comments, and they always mean *so* much to me. But if you leave one on this post, I ask that you please be respectful of my feelings, as well as Katie’s. I have nothing bad to say about her – except that bit about her hatred of white people – and neither should you. Let’s just concentrate on how awesome I am. As usual.)


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61 Comments leave one →
  1. June 29, 2010 9:34 AM

    Oh how I’ve been there! I met my husband when I was 29 – because 29 IS a magic year. But there was a trick about meeting my husband, which I can’t tell you about via comment because I just told him how funny your blog is and he might be looking at it RIGHT NOW, even though he should be working super hard because he’s trying to take off on Friday for lord’s sake. Seriously though, I KNOW SOMETHING about entering relationships when you are 29. Did I ever tell you that my email is paula@adhocmom.com? In case you ever want a recipe for rum punch or something? Chin up sister! Because 29 is a fantastic age! And in a blur you’ll be dreading your 39th birthday and positively envious of bloggers who are 29 and have soooo much excitement about to unfold right in front of them. .

  2. June 29, 2010 9:56 AM

    Vanina? Really? That’s just mean.

    But sangria is not mean at all.

    And finally, this is further proof that you cannot trust Paul McCartney.

  3. June 29, 2010 10:04 AM

    Venetians are blind? Is this a Shakespeare joke?

    WE ALL KNOW HOW BAD I AM AT METAPHORICAL LANGUAGE.

    Unless this is not metaphorical in any way and there are blind Venetians paddling around on gondolas and I just totally overlooked them when I was there.

    Or it’s possible we’re actually talking about the planet. I don’t feel so bad about not knowing anything about visually impaired extra-terrestrials.

  4. Dizzy Goddesski permalink
    June 29, 2010 10:30 AM

    I think Lori has Venetians mixed up with Venusians. Venusians could possibly be blind, too, because they are awfully close to the sun & it would be pretty blindingly bright (you’d think) and also because Venus is the goddess of love (aka Aphrodite, who is me, so I know all about this) and as you mentioned, love is blind.
    Love is also occasionally painful, even when it isn’t fully developed. I think some people blame that on me. Sorry. Being a goddess is hard!
    Hopefully your Twitter friends can help some. Like me. I will do my best to do some extra complaining (aka tweeting) so that you can see how much sadder things could be & feel superior to others & thus better about yourself, ok?
    Also, drink something sweet & alcoholic for me?

    • Dizzy Goddesski permalink
      June 29, 2010 2:03 PM

      I forgot to say how awesome you are. Sorry! It is only because of my innate goddess-like self-absorption, not because I forgot about your awesomeness. Or because of any lack of awesome-osity.
      I’ll be off getting a patent and/or copyright for that word now, if you need me.

  5. June 29, 2010 10:35 AM

    I’ve been there. You meet that right woman and all seems perfect then something you don’t expect hits ya right in the heart. Don’t give up on Love it’s out there somewhere. Hopefully it will come with some sangria.

  6. Obiwan Ben Buckley permalink
    June 29, 2010 10:40 AM

    I blame Cole Porter. I would have figured you for a Gershwin girl, cause while you may “got plenty of Nuttin'” at the moment, it is, after all, “Summertime, and fears of being forever alone with cats … well, “It Ain’t Necessarily So.” If a Jew can write a black opera, I say anything is possible. And even if it is blue — for the moment — a rhapsody is still a rhapsody.

  7. June 29, 2010 11:00 AM

    You waited till date 3 to mention marriage? Back in my LUG days (which um… kinda extend beyond the G, as I’m just a really picky bitch), you were supposed to bring a U-Haul on your second date! Maybe you need to step up your klingon game?

    Or maybe get another cat? Hey, I have eleventine. Would you like one? No, really. I’ll post one to you today if you’d like. Overnight. No charge!!

    Sangria makes most things better. (Not a hangover, but most other stuff.) Also look for a place that serves white sangria. You know, to complement your ivory. …or maybe just because it’s delicious.

  8. June 29, 2010 11:02 AM

    When I was 29 I had my heart broken, scattered on the floor and danced on top of to a Shaggy song. It was awful, terrible and it laid me low. So low in fact that I gave up and said, FUCK IT.
    Which meant that 2 months later when I met this GUY, I was as unpretentious as could be, REAL in the truest sense of myself, and then when he didn’t run away, I broke up with him. TWICE.
    So that’s the thing, right? To break up with someone twice, you have to unbreak up with them in the middle. And then he broke up with me because he thought I was flirting with my BEAUTIFUL next door neighbor. Which I totally didn’t get because most guys would be trying to figure out how to get in on that action, not hightailing it home all pissy. Which leaves me sitting here trying to figure out how to cross that one off my bucket list because that BOY has been my husband for the past 8 years.
    And what I’m saying is that sometimes love finds you when you’re finally sick of getting stepped on looking for it.
    But in the mean time, sangria is not a bad way to go.
    Love, Kit.

  9. June 29, 2010 11:30 AM

    I am sorry for your dumping. I consider myself somewhat of an expert on being dumped, if only through extensive experience and I can say with total honesty that it sucks. It sucks even more when you don’t hate the dumper. It’s easier when that person was a total snatch or douche or whatever because you can fall back on anger. So it can be harder to get over when you still consider that person wonderful but they don’t want to be with you. I *know*!

    But life is life and it bruises sometimes and that sucks. *hugs*

    You ARE awesome! And your blog is full of the awesome sauce.

  10. June 29, 2010 11:43 AM

    wait, so being “black” and “white” was harder for her to deal with socially than the [I don’t understand] stigma of two girls in love?
    um.
    okay.

    Sorry to hear things didn’t work out for you (singular and plural)… Thank goodness for fruited wine.

  11. June 29, 2010 12:06 PM

    Amazing grey, how sweet the sound? Obviously a grazed heart hasn’t blunted your wit one whit.

    • July 3, 2010 8:41 PM

      uh oh…. I had a funny comment lined up but now that I’ve read Kyk’s it’s totally flown out the window

  12. June 29, 2010 12:10 PM

    Sorry for you not really heartbreak, heartbreak. That being said…. you ARE awesome. The mere fact that you love cats makes you #1 in my book. Anything beyond that is just a nice big bonus.

  13. June 29, 2010 12:27 PM

    Oh my dearling…

    Did I mention the part where I now have my own apartment that is “programmed to receive” visitors of all shades of our rainbow?

    Next time you need a vacation, let me know. We’ll eat bonbons and go to the Bass and do other definitively Texan and non-corn-related things.

    *hug* We love you, Jess. That’s why we read.

  14. June 29, 2010 12:34 PM

    What about your cats? Can we talk about how awesome your cats are? Because, as far as I can tell, your cats are pretty freaking awesome.

    Mmm hmm.

    But anyway, I truly and 100% am sorry to hear this. Not that you ever gave a lot to work with but from what info you did provide, Katie seemed pretty awesome and you were obviously really happy. I hate when even the most seemlingly perfect of situation don’t work out 😦

    I won’t say everything happens for a reason because, let’s be real, how often does that actually make ANY of us feel better when our hearts hurt?

    So, in true Penny a la Dr. Horrible fashion, I’ll just say “everything happens” and leave it at that.

  15. June 29, 2010 1:03 PM

    Is there any possibility that Katie just panicked and needed to retreat…and that she might clear her head and come back to you?

    If not…then it’s her loss.

  16. June 29, 2010 2:17 PM

    Dude, you are at least one up on me. I don’t even DATE, much less with intent.

  17. June 29, 2010 2:52 PM

    Sorry to hear about Katie. I think you’ve completed Step 1 in the recovery process: Drink sangria. It makes everything better.

  18. June 29, 2010 4:41 PM

    yes you ARE awesome! Your cats are BEYOND awesome, I am sure Katie is AWESOME! Maybe you were just too awesome for Katie? Sometimes people can’t deal with someone too awesome.

    How lucky you are to have not been dumped that many times……I could write a book on dumping, a book that no one would want to read because if they did they would see the idiotic things I have done in the name of love, or what I thought was love. For many I was just too awesome!

    Your new awesome is yet to be met………..for now just enjoy YOUR awesomeness and of course enjoy the fact that your cats are just BEYOND AWESOME!

  19. June 29, 2010 4:48 PM

    I’m really sorry dude. I’m not very good in these situations, but if we were hanging out together in the real world I’d make you damn fine cup of tea (even though you hate tea and maintains that is tastes like lawn) and give you a hug. I’d also introduce you to the true awesomeness of olives. You’ve just got to work through the yuk-barrier. Then it’s non-stop reward to the end of the jar.

    Love Jo X x x

    ps – the Novelist threw my grape-experiment away, and I got told off for leaving them in the fridge for so long 😦

    • June 29, 2010 7:02 PM

      I’m the one who lives for olives. Sorry. I should have been more clear about that. If you take away only two things from this post, 1.) I love olives, including black ones; and 2.) I’m not a racist.

      Also, you all are wonderful. And you’ve made me feel better. And I’m thankful I’ve been dumped in front of an audience with allegiance to me. This might be the closest I’ll ever get to being Sandra Bullock.

      • June 30, 2010 10:14 AM

        I had feared, momentarily, that you did not like olives.

        Black olives are one of my favorite noms ever and I regularly eat like half a jar of green in one go.

        You might actually be the perfect woman.

      • Roxanne permalink
        July 8, 2010 1:09 PM

        I too began to panic at the mentioning of a disagreement over olives! Phew! Olives are the best! Fancy olives, cheap olives, black olives, green olives: I do not discriminate when it comes to my love of olives! And dru is right, for your love of olives as well as the sense of humor and the cats, you may be the perfect woman!

  20. June 29, 2010 5:18 PM

    I am concentrating very hard on how awesome you are. VERY hard.

  21. June 29, 2010 5:32 PM

    Okay, first? Sangria drinking demands the Scarlet’s Walk album played loudly. Second, love or almost love does suck sometimes. You should look around for that shirt and wear it to a Twilight Saga screening. You’ll pick up all kinds of vampire loving chicks, and really, is that so bad?

  22. June 29, 2010 6:11 PM

    I agree, you might have frightened her with all your awesome. The good news is you’re not a robot. You can like someone maybe love them and you’re hilarious and adorable and really it’s a matter of time before you’ll have to change your blog title to Not so alone with cats. Or Way less alone than before. With Cats. or something. You’ll figure it out.

    Anyway, I’m sorry. I’ve never been dumped. They just cheat on me and then get careless so I’ll find out and then I break up with them. But still. Hugs babe.

  23. June 29, 2010 7:15 PM

    Aw, who would be mean? Personally, I’m a hopeless romantic. I don’t even know you and I’m a little bummed! Just the idea that someone, somewhere might be getting some lovin’ – from something other than awesome kitties (live alone with one of my own) – gave me hope for my own aloneness… with a cat. As much as I love her, I do miss the close companionship of another human.

    Hang in there.. there’s got to be more black for your white. I see a lovely shade of gray in your future! 🙂

  24. June 29, 2010 8:06 PM

    Aw! Bummertown. Sorry to hear it didn’t work out.

    The Venetian bit was hilarious though.

  25. Carolspy permalink
    June 29, 2010 8:21 PM

    Not only am I amazed by your ability to recall the conversation word for word — I am also so relieved for Vanina is too old to google her name and find this!

  26. Cat Hat permalink
    June 29, 2010 9:17 PM

    Katie sucks! And you my dear are a classy chick! BTW I’m Katies cousin.

  27. redg_rl permalink
    June 29, 2010 9:33 PM

    oh glourious cat mum, yr brains, wit, & beauty cannot be beat. perhaps that overwhelming wonderfullness was.. overwhelming? in any case, i hope that the rest of us are all still worthy enough of basking in the hearty glow of yr musings. it’s damn gutsy to share the thoughts of the heart with one person let alone the universe. so bold, so admirable.

  28. June 30, 2010 1:38 AM

    goddamn, you blogged that well. nicely done. and i’m not just saying that ’cause you mentioned me. really. i’m not.

    what? i’m not.

    p.s. i am glad your readers approve of our sangria.

  29. June 30, 2010 9:49 AM

    Bummer. Seriously, a bummer. I hate break ups. Even when there are no bad guys, they are fucking painful beyond belief.

    The kitties look like they’d be helpful in making you feel better.

    PS YOU ARE AWESOME. But you knew that, right?

  30. June 30, 2010 11:28 AM

    The last guy to dump me went bald. He was only the second guy to ever dump me (the stakes are clearly high).
    But a little over a year later I met my PERSON. You probably have to get dumped in order to be ready for your person. At least I did.
    Your person is out there. Looking for your awesome. But the dumped part sucks.

  31. June 30, 2010 2:36 PM

    my love, my love. I’m so sorry to hear it. There is nothing more frustrating than to have someone slam the door on the possibilities you were just starting to allow yourself to feel hopeful for. I’ve been there. I’ll be thinking of you!

  32. June 30, 2010 4:08 PM

    Deeper waters, better fish and some such bullshit. Whatever, it all sucks and I am very sad for you. There is absolutely NOTHING like that budding possibility of love. It’s so sweet and romantic and… I don’t know, but it’s worth it to keep looking. But in the meantime, keep your chin up. Deeper fish, better waters are out there. Um yeah, something like that.

  33. June 30, 2010 7:00 PM

    i hate to say it, but we have even more in common right now. all the more reason for cookies, methinks. i-e-i will always love you-ooo-ah, twitterwifey.

  34. June 30, 2010 8:39 PM

    she doesn’t know what she’s missing. gray is a beautiful colour. 😉

  35. June 30, 2010 8:49 PM

    Hey kid sorry, sucks. Here was/is my love philosphy…no matter how good/not good/kinda mediocre any relationship is, if it not the right one then it is taking up the room the right one needs to exist.

    How can I be sure? Dude, I’m old. Right now my wife and I have been to gether 5 years. She has broken up with me elevnty million times, and each time I’ve said ok. Well good luck then.

    Sorry, I don’t do drama. So now she has learned that I don’t do the whole breakup to makeup thing and so she just.stopped.

    People play the games they learn to play. If games are part of their definition of a relationship, then they play them.

    Not saying this is happening, just saying, some folks love rollercoasters, and some folks get ill and have panic attacks from them. You are still young enough to be learning about all the different kinds of people in the world, and what kind suits you best.

    Maybe that person will need you to illuminate the greatness of Cole Porter, and then enlighten you to the greatness of something you didn’t know about. “Compatibility” is in the eye of the beholder.

    Ah, I’m rambling. Sorry, I’m a mom. Take the good, leave the rest, grow and move on, looking forward for the next sweet taste, special moment, bullet you dodged without even realizing it.

    Cause your pretty neat. And p.s. I’m Jess too!

  36. Jaysey permalink
    June 30, 2010 10:22 PM

    I’ve known your pain, so I feel it with you. I am so, so sorry. But hopefully, the next most romantic moment of your life will be even better. Kisses. 😉

  37. June 30, 2010 10:33 PM

    Oh honey, I just wish there was something I could say or do to make it better. That I had that “magical” fix to make everything feel right again. I’ve been told that it takes these relationships to make you appreciate and recognize “the one”. I’m not sure if that’s true or bullshit, but I do know that broken hearts hurt, and that hole in your chest hurts more than anything should.

    And I also know, that when ever you need me – I’ll be here to listen. Or read. You know, one of those.

  38. June 30, 2010 10:37 PM

    You sound like a stand-up gal. Katie doesn’t know what she’s missing, cause you’re pretty freaking awesome.

  39. June 30, 2010 11:03 PM

    Heartache sucks.

    You, however, don’t. And hell, I’m obviously an expert, what with having read your blog for like three weeks, one of which you were absentee. Katie lost an opportunity. Of that, I am certain.

    Don’t give up, and other cheesy, advise-y, pithy stuff.

    Truly.

  40. July 1, 2010 2:37 PM

    You ARE awesome. Now the road is clear for me and my sweet lovin’, though.

    Last night I told I guy I’ve been seeing that I was in love with him, so that was a mistake. We’ll see if he ever calls me again.
    s

  41. July 1, 2010 2:39 PM

    What I meant by that last bit was not to start talking about myself, merely saying that I understand and have been there and offer my full support for your heart’s recovery. Well, now I AM talking about myself. I’ll just stop now.
    s

  42. July 1, 2010 3:11 PM

    OK, well I’m a little heartbroken. That all sounds really wonderful and romantic, like the best start to a relationship.

    I won’t say anything mean about Stupid Katie Who Didn’t NOT Break Your Heart But Kind of Broke Mine a Little Bit.

  43. July 1, 2010 3:43 PM

    I want sangria. With a straw. Because I’m 36 and even though I don’t FEEL 36 – because, let’s face it, that’s OLD – I still have to keep putting my darn birthdate (including year!) on flippin EVERYTHING and that’s just like Big Brother mocking me ALL. THE. TIME.

    Pass that straw.

  44. July 1, 2010 10:55 PM

    ouch. pretty much sums up why i quit trying to find romantic love. wouldn’t recognize it at this point if it bit me in the ass (but love wouldn’t do that, unless it was a playful bite). my canine life partner does not bite me in the ass, however, and that’s a good thing because he weighs 100 pounds, and i bet it would hurt.

    sorry you didn’t get to the ‘falling’ part. that’s the best. i think. if i remember it right… been awhile.

  45. July 2, 2010 8:51 AM

    I think most everyone else has covered what I wanted to say (and more eloquently), so all I’ve got left is to say that I’m genuinely sorry things didn’t turn out how you hoped. You can take some comfort knowing we all care though and just want to see you happy.

    On a completely different and less serious note, I wonder if you could make a Sangria float by adding a little fizzy lemonade and ice cream…

    Oh and speaking of olives, if you haven’t tried those big fat green olives stuffed with feta and marinated in herbs and oil, you so have to make that the very next thing you do. They are just shit-and-a-bit!

  46. July 3, 2010 1:03 PM

    I fear that this is all MY fault as I’ve been MIA recently. And since the world does not function as it should when I hide we can all assume that now that I’m back there is a beautiful shade of grey is in your future. (I visited Texas and when I left BP happened…see what I mean?)
    I’m sorry I don’t have any good vagina jokes for you, just a bunch of awful helen keller ones which clearly indicate I’m going to hell.
    Chin up, you’re awesome!
    xo, tonya

  47. July 3, 2010 8:45 PM

    you should have come to Lesbos with daisyfae, dolce and me…… we could have all been awesome together

  48. July 4, 2010 2:37 PM

    I think I need cats.

    How beautiful and sad.

  49. thenextmartha permalink
    July 4, 2010 8:43 PM

    When it’s right both people are scared and hesitant, but they’ll seek each other for comfort. They will turn to each other and continue on together and not apart.

  50. July 5, 2010 4:47 AM

    squeeze the life out of them, do it!

  51. July 6, 2010 4:16 AM

    Isabel and Teva may be interested in my cat post today…..

  52. July 6, 2010 6:05 PM

    I was just reading over some of my own blog, old comments and posts, and I saw YOURS and was appreciating how you ALWAYS make me laugh, and think, and feel like we are old friends! Then I read THIS and wanted to be as talented as you so I could make you feel that HAPPY in return!!! I do know that you are undeniably AWESOME, and you have adorable cats who also are awesome and love you! And by the way, I did “get” the Venetians/blind joke, albeit after a moment or two, and I didn’t know whether to laugh or just shake my head. THAT, my dear, was brilliantly horrible.

  53. July 7, 2010 12:36 PM

    It’s also funny if you replace the “n” with a “g”. Vagiga. Use hard or soft g’s, it’s your choice. Or mix and match, you can’t go wrong, really.

    I’m sorry about Katie and her wrong decision-making tendencies. Hi, I’m Becky, I’m your newest reader.

  54. July 7, 2010 4:24 PM

    Being dumped blows.

    Really bad.

    Basically, I’m saying I’m sorry.

    Also, you’re hilarious.

    You should find some sort of funny people dating community – you’d dominate.

    And I mean that in a normal, non SM way. Unless that’s what you’re into. Then that’s fine.
    Let’s just keep it to ourselves.

    Shesh, Jessica, no need to go sharing your sex life all over the Internet.

    That’s what diaries are for. And bars.

  55. July 9, 2010 1:32 AM

    Ok, and really….all your commentors are super funny too. What is going on here?

    In other news…sorry about your heart hurt. At least you had the sense to write a hysterical post about it. Good grief! Hope you feel better soon.

  56. August 15, 2010 10:33 AM

    Your friends sound like a hoot and a half, especially your friend Tom who called you to tell you that there’s this lady called Vanina, which is just sad for her and hilarious at the same time. I’m glad they’re there to make funny vagina related comments to help you feel better… and taking you out to drink booze, which makes me feel better every time.

    And your cats are too adorable! I have a cat but he likes to stare at me with a ‘I’m going to eat your face’ look so I make sure to close my door when I go to sleep just in case.

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