Googlez.com: Revolutionizing lesbians’ inability to let go since 2010
Conversation with my friend Dana:
Dana: I hate the completely unhealthy and unnecessary curiosity about exes that crops up sometimes.
Me: I’m pretty sure that’s why Google was invented.
Dana: Yeah, but there’s stuff you can’t Google.
Me: Mr. Google was all, “I wonder where that bitch is who broke my heart. If only there was a way to search for her anonymously.” And a little light bulb flickered on.
Dana: That’s Google-able. But there’s no database of the lurid stuff.
Me: I bet that bitch wishes she hadn’t dumped Mr. Google. Because now Mr. Google is very rich.
Dana: There needs to be a Google that finds the ugly chick they dated after you, the crazy one that wreaked your revenge for you … all that stuff.
Me: Maybe we need to invent this search engine. We’ll need a good name first.
Me: Lesbian Google. Loogle. Oh! GOOGLEZ.
Me: That’s terrible. Your idea is bad. We’re in business together for like 45 seconds, and already I’m pulling your weight.
Dana: Googlez totally wins.
Me: OK, so we’ve got the name.
Dana: Now we just need a massive database of gossip. Harness the power of lesbian cattiness!
Me: And one of us needs to find, date and break up with a lady well-versed in HTML. So when we no doubt befriend her in six months, per the Lesbian Golden Rule, she’ll want to help us with this endeavor.
Dana: HTML? No. We need mad database skills.
Me: I went to school for journalism. I can barely add. I clearly have no idea what building a search engine entails. This is our first setback as search engine creators– not knowing how to create one.
Dana: I can do <em> and <strong> tags! That’s about it.
Me: I’m only good for naming web sites, apparently.
Dana: Hey, my very cute lesbian friend is moving to Boston next month. Single, too.
Dana: Yup. She’s 24, maybe? I forget. She acts more like someone in her late 20s.
Me: I tend to act more like someone in her late 40s. What’s bringing her to town? A job?
Me: Does she work in search engine creation, by chance?
Dana: I wish.
Me: She’s not at all helpful for Googlez, is what you’re saying. But could potentially be helpful for this lez.
Me: But if Googlez already existed, I’d be looking her up right now. It’s a Catch-22.
Dana: It totally is.