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Googlez.com: Revolutionizing lesbians’ inability to let go since 2010

July 13, 2010

Conversation with my friend Dana:

Dana: I hate the completely unhealthy and unnecessary curiosity about exes that crops up sometimes.

Me: I’m pretty sure that’s why Google was invented.

Dana: Yeah, but there’s stuff you can’t Google.

Me: Mr. Google was all, “I wonder where that bitch is who broke my heart. If only there was a way to search for her anonymously.” And a little light bulb flickered on.

Dana: That’s Google-able. But there’s no database of the lurid stuff.

Me: I bet that bitch wishes she hadn’t dumped Mr. Google. Because now Mr. Google is very rich.

Dana: There needs to be a Google that finds the ugly chick they dated after you, the crazy one that wreaked your revenge for you … all that stuff.

Me: Maybe we need to invent this search engine. We’ll need a good name first.

Dana: “The L Word chalkboard?

Me: Lesbian Google. Loogle. Oh! GOOGLEZ.

Dana: Lesgle.

Me: That’s terrible. Your idea is bad. We’re in business together for like 45 seconds, and already I’m pulling your weight.

Dana: Googlez totally wins.

Me: OK, so we’ve got the name.

Dana: Now we just need a massive database of gossip. Harness the power of lesbian cattiness!

Me: And one of us needs to find, date and break up with a lady well-versed in HTML. So when we no doubt befriend her in six months, per the Lesbian Golden Rule, she’ll want to help us with this endeavor.

Dana: HTML? No. We need mad database skills.

Me: I went to school for journalism. I can barely add. I clearly have no idea what building a search engine entails. This is our first setback as search engine creators– not knowing how to create one.

Dana: I can do <em> and <strong> tags! That’s about it.

Me: I’m only good for naming web sites, apparently.

Dana: Hey, my very cute lesbian friend is moving to Boston next month. Single, too.

Me: Oh?

Dana: Yup. She’s 24, maybe? I forget. She acts more like someone in her late 20s.

Me: I tend to act more like someone in her late 40s. What’s bringing her to town? A job?

Dana: Yup.

Me: Does she work in search engine creation, by chance?

Dana: I wish.

Me: She’s not at all helpful for Googlez, is what you’re saying. But could potentially be helpful for this lez.

Dana: Right.

Me: But if Googlez already existed, I’d be looking her up right now. It’s a Catch-22.

Dana: It totally is.

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38 Comments leave one →
  1. July 13, 2010 9:27 AM

    I wish there were a real “I’m Feeling Bitter” button I could use on ANY Search Engine.

  2. July 13, 2010 9:35 AM

    OMG Freakin’ hilarious! And so helpful. Who knows maybe the Chickie moving to Boston has mad HTML skills that included CSS and SQL would be helpful as well 🙂

  3. July 13, 2010 9:37 AM

    If I had any money at all, I’d want to be one of your first investors.

    Unfortunately, all I can really offer at this point is. . .blackberry cheesecake.

  4. July 13, 2010 11:15 AM

    I’ll take the blackberry cheesecake.

    And…I don’t think I’ve ever told you this but I’ve actually been made out with about half the computer sciences department at my local uni.

    And I’m sort of dating a programmer.

    And one of my best friends codes.

    And…what I’m trying to say is that I might be able to help you with this endeavor, should you wish to pursue it. Possibly.

  5. July 13, 2010 11:16 AM

    First, you’re totally disillusioning all us non-lesbians, because in our brains lesbians are above all the cattiness that straight women somehow seem able to hurl around. That’s supposed to be one of the perks of being a lesbian – smaller dating pool but less cattiness.

    Don’t screw this up for me. My illusions are already so fragile.

    Second, I met Vanessa Fox at a conference and it she seemed like the sort of chick that would be totally behind this. Sadly, not in a personal-use way, which is a bummer I think because she’s cute in that chick-geek sort of way, but potentially in a “this is funky and subversive enough the be something I’d like to sink my teeth into” sort of way.

    But I would think that Googling Vanessa Fox would be sort of like trying to drink the ocean.

    Third, excellent graphic.

    Lastly, adding is overrated. So is multiplying.

  6. July 13, 2010 11:19 AM

    I like Loogle. Not as catchy, but fun to say.

  7. July 13, 2010 11:24 AM

    George Orwell got it wrong. Big Sista is watching you.

  8. July 13, 2010 11:50 AM

    I’m SOOOO hungry I can’t even make a lesbian google joke.

    I know, it’s that serious.

    Only 10 minutes.

    10 arbitrary minutes.

    Yet, 10 minutes.

    HUNGRY!

    Like a hippo.

    Oh, I went there.

  9. July 13, 2010 12:05 PM

    That is not lesbian specific, dude. Straights would LOVE that search engine. Although that would ruin the name, which is clearly awesome. Damn. Now I want to see if my ex has finally died of alcoholism or at least wound up in jail. It would only be fair.

  10. July 13, 2010 12:12 PM

    WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…I swear, this could cross over into hetero territory. I could SOOOO do with more stalkage material. Absolutely classic idea. I shall be your first angel investor. Token straight chick on the board. Can I? Please? Please?

  11. July 13, 2010 12:56 PM

    At first I was all “Lesbian cattiness?? Oh no, what was I almost maybe considering getting myself into for the sake of experimentation??” and then I saw the “I’m Feeling Bitter” button and I felt better for some reason.

    Googlez – Someone, make it happen!

  12. July 13, 2010 1:28 PM

    i could so dream up an artsy-fartsy documentary plan that would give me the street cred to do some of the research. catty lezzer research. that one’s going on the resume.

  13. July 13, 2010 1:33 PM

    I honest to god cannot even tell you how much I love you. Truly. You are fucking amazing.

  14. July 13, 2010 4:26 PM

    So I should be DM-ing you my number, you’re saying. We can totally skip the whole breaking up thing though. Never really followed *any* golden rules.

  15. July 13, 2010 4:58 PM

    So back in the day when i was an intern I had to use Microsoft Access a lot which is a terrible database program. Used to fantasize about the same thing: making a version called Ex-cess. But it would be a local install and therefore already outdated.

    Basically what I’m trying to tell you is, you are a better business person than me. I’d like to invest.

  16. redg_rl permalink
    July 13, 2010 6:38 PM

    I’m going to have to agree about the cattiness crossing through all relationship genres & that it cannot possibly be lesbian-specific. any search/ stalking mechanism these days & particularly with regard to sex or relationships will be beyond successful. remember looking up crushes in the phonebook back in the day? there should be a ‘comments’ section as well so folks can be equally avenged or damned by past & future partners. who wouldn’t want to gloat about their ex’s misfortune? shit. I sound like a reality show & I loathe them. bring on the googlez, I would even stoop low enough to take a gander;)

  17. July 14, 2010 4:17 AM

    Don’t you guys have Pink Board?

    http://www.pinkboard.com.au/

    My son tells me there’s a lot of behind the scene stuff on the Graffiti Wall 😉

  18. July 14, 2010 4:26 AM

    What about!!…What about!!…LESBING!!

    Eh? EH? Bing.com?

    No?

    Ok.

    *shrug*

  19. July 14, 2010 10:26 AM

    sigh. this is what happens when i run into my ex and her mom within two days of each other and my morbid curiosity takes over.
    i’d like to point out that the mom still adores me.
    i’m that kind of girl.

  20. July 15, 2010 1:30 AM

    Didn’t they already invent this and call it Facebook?

    (GoogLEZ is a way better name though.)

  21. July 15, 2010 3:11 AM

    You definitely need Alice Pieszecki for this one…

  22. July 15, 2010 12:39 PM

    This is awesome! I think you guys should make it so that you can hit “feeling bitter” and totally screw your ex’s credit rating or put them on a terrorist watch list. Now that’s closure!

  23. July 15, 2010 9:40 PM

    Is it mandatory to be a lesbian to get in on this?? I love me some cyberstalking, gossip catty chatty.

  24. July 16, 2010 10:13 AM

    Aw you are so adorable.

    Sometimes I think of all the time I wasted faking being hetero until I was 30, and then hear about all the battle scars of women who came out sooner, and I’m like wow, dudes we totally easier to leave/ignore/move on from than chics seem to be.

    I’d just write three weeks of bad poetry all about ME and my feelings, and it would be pretty much over.

    In any case, for someone I really don’t know except on the internet, I really think you are great, and since am a pretty good judge of character in general, I feel certain someone who is pretty great is gonna figure that out and want to make you happy.

    Just don’t settle if they aren’t up to your level, hmm?

  25. July 16, 2010 12:07 PM

    i love the idea of googlez! there should absolutely be a database of all cute lesbians moving to boston!

    … oh, wait. that already exists, and i’m pretty sure it’s called okcupid.

    (i’m ignoring the actual purpose of googlez. no one needs encouragement on that.)

  26. July 16, 2010 3:38 PM

    You didn’t comment on my best pickup line ever – which made me sad, b/c you’re all out in the dating world, and I thought you could steal it then report back on effectiveness.

    • July 18, 2010 2:40 AM

      Megan, I tried out your line tonight even though it was a lie because I gave up alcohol until September.
      Now I’m in bed with a leper because the part about being attractive was a lie too. I just was trying out the line.
      So, it works. And now the guy is snoring. And I don’t know what to do.
      And I’m wishing I was a lesbian so I could be googlezzing all night instead.

  27. July 22, 2010 9:15 AM

    That’s the best idea – ever. You should write to Google, and they could do the rest, and then you can just sit back with a jar of olives and get paid loads for your amazing idea.

    God. I wish I was a lesbian.

  28. July 23, 2010 1:30 PM

    I don’t have any skills. Other than hoola hooping, and I’m pretty good at roller skating. Alas, this won’t help your mission. If I meet any lesbians with mad programming skills. I’m totally setting you up!

    • July 24, 2010 8:37 AM

      What the what?! Hula hooping and roller-skating are quite possibly the best skills to have!

      I’m so jealous.

  29. July 26, 2010 3:31 PM

    I can’t even figure out how to add a picture into that little box on the left. I’m so impressed that you could even figure out the genius of this entire situation. . . I’m basically living in 1972.

  30. July 26, 2010 3:32 PM

    P.S. OMG I DID IT. There’s a picture! It’s a computer programming miracle people!

  31. July 27, 2010 5:40 PM

    That was awesome…..and google scares me.

  32. Lindsay permalink
    August 13, 2010 1:31 PM

    This is an awesome idea. I’d use it. Sigh.

  33. August 14, 2010 9:54 AM

    This is freaking hilarious, I love it! And I agree, ‘googlez’ is an awesome name for it. And it’s totally true, google is a perfect place for stalking people… and answers to random, useless things and of course, self-diagnosis. Why go to the doctor when you have google?

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