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Summer gaycation

August 3, 2010

I scheduled a mini gaycation for myself last week, because I’ve been in dire need of a pick-me-up. And because I typically never get picked up, I took matters into my own hands – which I’m still very much thankful for – and cast myself into a sea of lesbians at an Indigo Girls concert one day, and Lilith Fair the next.

There was just one small kink in my plan. And no, not the good kind of kink that maybe seems appealing after you’ve knocked back one or five too many glasses of red wine and your date who’ll one day in the not so distant future be your stalker says, “Oh, someone gave me these handcuffs as a joke.” And you’re all, “You have the keys, right?” And she’s all, “Why do you always take that condescending tone with me?” And you’re like, “What condescending tone?” So she says, “That condescending tone.” Then suddenly you no longer want to be tied down, by handcuffs or a relationship with her, except it turns out your nonexistent tone was *totally* justified because she actually didn’t have the keys and locksmiths charge double on weekends.

But the kink this particular go-round was that I attended each super-homo show with a different hetero married friend, one of whom was pregnant. Because that’s how I roll. And we kind of behaved as if we were together. And by “together,” I mean “together.”

My arms at dusk. And sun and boats and stuff.

My friend Danna and I inadvertently skipped the Indigo Girls’ opening act because we were soaking up the stunning sunset on the water in Newport, R.I. After she snapped a few photos of me, I pored over them, as usual, in search of double chins, gut rolls, neck creases, boob saggage, thigh expansion and myriad other imperfections. Instead, however, I actually didn’t hate what I saw. “Ohmygod. Look at my arms. The dock’s railing is causing some sort of optical illusion that makes them look deceptively thin!” And Danna was all, “Let me see. Woah, hot arms!” And I declared, “From this day forward, I’m going to go through life with my arms bent awkwardly up and backward as if I’m holding onto an invisible banister.” Enthusiastically shoving her iPhone in my direction, Danna said, “I want to try! My turn! Do me now!”And I was like, “No, do me again!” Then, oddly enough, girls kept coming up to us and offering to take our picture together.

I didn’t get picked up at the show. That probably goes without saying.

The following day, when I met Melanie prior to Lilith Fair, she asked, “Aww, did you curl your hair for me?” And I said, “Yes, I curled my hair for you, and definitely not for all the lesbians in Boston who are here today.” Yet later on, somewhere in between sets by Beth Orton and Cat Power, it dawned on me that my stalker ex was probably somewhere in the crowd, too. For a moment, I was paralyzed by the prospect of seeing the girl who wrote me letter after letter, each one beginning, “This is the last time I’ll contact you over anything.” And yes, the stalking was unsettling and made me slightly concerned for my safety, but what troubled me most was her atrocious and redundant syntax.

Melanie, who just entered her second trimester, suggested that if we saw her, she’d fling an arm around me and then pat her stomach. Lovingly reaching for her midsection, I said, “No, I should rub your belly, and then condescendingly coo, ‘She’s due in January.'” Glancing up and down our row near the stage, Melanie said, “Dude, you just ruined your chances with everyone nearby.”

I also didn’t get picked up at this show. That probably goes without saying, too.

In retrospect, this wasn’t so much a gaycation as it was the antithesis of a laycation. Or, basically, just another week.

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34 Comments leave one →
  1. August 3, 2010 2:18 PM

    I really like your Shoot-Myself-In-The-Foot approach to dating. Well done, you.

  2. August 3, 2010 2:37 PM

    Next time just wear a tee shirt that says “Girls Have Cooties” on it…. less painful than shooting yourself in the foot.
    But seriously……… your arms…. you look radiant! Their loss if they didnt take you home.

  3. August 3, 2010 2:41 PM

    Lovely photo of you! So mad I missed Lilith. Sorry you didn’t get picked up, but sounds like you were well-prepared for your stalker if she ran to.

  4. August 3, 2010 2:54 PM

    that photo, my dear, is GORGEOUS! wowza!

  5. August 3, 2010 3:18 PM

    Nice arms!

    I’ve got to try the whole holding your arms in a slightly awkward position so they look thinner tactic…

    I also need a photo tactic that will make my nose look smaller and my boobs look bigger.

  6. August 3, 2010 3:29 PM

    I have a photo tactic wherein I never let my arms touch any part of my body when there’s a camera nearby. I walk around all akimbo for hours to avoid that fat arm syndrome.

    By the way, don’t search google images for “akimbo” just to make sure I used it right unless you’re prepared to see some random vagina shots included.

    I didn’t know there was a link between the two. But now I do. Might be useful information in future situations.

  7. August 3, 2010 3:31 PM

    arms and hair and sunset, you look fabu.

  8. August 3, 2010 3:57 PM

    What’s the matter with all those women? Didn’t they see your arms?

  9. August 3, 2010 4:01 PM

    If I knew you had such great sunset arms, my partner and I would certainly have picked you up at the IG show…I had just about the right number of Rasperry Rickis to totally be into an arm fetish threesome. BTW – I have a great head up and forward move for disguising a middle age neck waddle….not that I have one…but just in case I get old one day. Whew…talk about shooting yourself in the foot…..LOL!

  10. Danna permalink
    August 3, 2010 9:51 PM

    It’s a good thing you didn’t mention that Beth Orton was playing at Lilith Fair because I would’ve insisted on tagging along for that too! She’s great! Your arms look fabulous!

  11. August 3, 2010 9:57 PM

    Fabulous photo!
    You look like you should be in an advertisement for pina coladas…at sunset…and lesbians…who SHOULD totally have a date but don’t…cause they’re rad…but apparently not so great at looking available.

  12. August 3, 2010 10:39 PM

    Mostly I find any reason I can to despise people with shapely slender arms posing in front lovely sunsets, but I’m too sad that no sweaty, post feminist music sex was offered to you.

    So I hereby cancel any possible despising.

  13. August 4, 2010 4:08 AM

    Beth Orton and Cat Power? *swoon*

    (great arms!)

    • August 4, 2010 9:20 AM

      I know! Cat Power and Beth Orton live, so jealous. Plus, I am sure your arms are hot whether you bend them in a funny backwards-upwards way or not. perhaps you didn’t get picked up because tha girlz were intimidated by your radiant beaut. just saying.

      • August 4, 2010 7:05 PM

        I am often told that I am intimidating and unapproachable. Usually the culprit is my (unintentional) standoffish-ness, and not my looks. But you are very sweet for suggesting that.

  14. August 4, 2010 6:20 AM

    i went to an Indigo Girls concert a few years ago with my gorgeous 21 year old niece. i felt like a very, very creepy cougar. especially when she’d grab my arm, snuggle up and say “OMFG, i LOOOOOOVE this song!” And yes, she knew EXACTLY what she was doing.

    For what it’s worth, i didn’t get picked up at the show.

  15. August 4, 2010 9:46 AM

    First Jealous…I missed Lilith Fair here because I was on vacation 😦 Secondly…love the arms, the sunset and RI. Third…that shit used to happen to me all the time…well minus the stalker but the straight friends being mistaken as girlfriends…yep downer…the plus is they will always love you and not stalk you.

  16. August 4, 2010 10:27 PM

    You are some kind of gorgeous.

    Also, I would think that chicks would be ALL OVER a woman who was there for her pregnant girlfriend. I mean, that just shows you care, right? So when you leave her ass for that woman, you’ll be really sensitive about things like visitation.

    Some days I make no sense.

    Whoops.

    Still. You are a hottie.

  17. August 5, 2010 3:36 PM

    MY TWITTER WIFE’S ARMS ARE HOTTER THAN ALL Y’ALL’S. ahem.

  18. August 6, 2010 2:07 AM

    Maybe not getting picked up at the Indgio Girls show was their way of “helping you take life less seriously, its only life afterall” …Um. No. That doesnt quite work, because if that was the case you would have been getting picked up left, right and centre….But still, that has to be one of my favourite all time IG lyrics….

  19. August 6, 2010 6:32 PM

    Reading “Gerald’s Game” by Stephen King will also make you less willing to be handcuffed–key or no key.

    xo Susie

  20. August 12, 2010 3:07 PM

    Hi-larious!!!!

    No big deal, but I’m into your blog. My blog is gay for your blog. Can I say that??

  21. August 13, 2010 5:35 PM

    “atrocious and redundant syntax..” laughed out loud at that! seriously.

    And your hetero friend will always kill your game at an Indigo Girls concert (I had the same experience). Safety in numbers.

    thegrrlspot.wordpress.com

  22. August 13, 2010 6:34 PM

    You are too funny! Entertaining story.

  23. August 13, 2010 7:10 PM

    Quite the Tyra Banks pose, I must say. Anyways, your blog (and you..) are hilarious.

  24. August 14, 2010 12:44 AM

    I have a horrifying memory of attending a KD Lang concert as a young and impressionable teen and waiting in the ladies room line and seeing an orange lipsticked grandmother-looking type in a spiked dog collar lick her lips at me and then smile leeringly. Oh the trauma. I was never the same again.

  25. August 14, 2010 3:52 PM

    i really don’t think it’s because you were with a pregnant friend that killed it on your options for linkin’ up with someone (because we’ve all found someone so hot we didn’t give two damns if they were with someone else or not)..i think your ‘non-laycation’ stems from you just don’t like yourself enough to attract people. the things you say you were looking for in your photo (flaws) are really as non-existant as that sign u said u were gonna walk around carrying. you look way better than your giving yourself credit for, and if women are women (lesbian or not) they can ALL sense insecurity a mile away, on the dating scene.

    clever writings, i’m subscribing.

  26. August 15, 2010 11:57 AM

    I may secretly be your blog stalker – cat’s outa the bag. har-har

    • August 15, 2010 12:26 PM

      ps – thanks for picking such great blogs to add [copy cat – I’m getting stupid – should I backspace? no.] to my faves. and why is my pic not in that little box, huh?

  27. andydbrown permalink
    August 15, 2010 3:07 PM

    So now it’s clear why you wrote that blasphemous post on Jesus. You’re a lesbian and choose to live in your sin mocking God and His coming judgment. Aha! Eureka! It’s all so clear now!

  28. August 18, 2010 11:35 PM

    You mean girls just back off when you are with someone??!!

    Thank you for solving my fat arm problem.

    p.s. I wandered over from Twitter. Sometimes Twitter suggestions don’t suck. This is the proof. Well, for me. Not sure how you like being stalked by yet another straight woman with offspring…

  29. August 19, 2010 8:15 PM

    You should write a book on how not to get laid.

    I mean, you never know what the people want.

  30. August 26, 2010 8:20 AM

    I really need to read this blog much more frequently. It, without fail, makes me laugh. I need more of that…

  31. Abby-Wan Kenobi permalink
    October 26, 2010 1:52 PM

    If I was your straight-girl wingman I definitely would have gotten you some action at one of those shows. Or if I failed, I would’ve still gone to second base with you, because that’s part of the satisfaction-guarantee that comes with my services as a wingwoman. It’s in the contract. Plus you have irresistably sexy arms.

    Next time don’t gamble with amateurs. Take me!!

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