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Google thinks my mom shits on cats

October 1, 2010

Sometimes during lulls at my newspaper job, for funsies I read aloud to my fellow editors an assortment of the vexing search terms that leads surfers to stumble upon my blog.

Friendly advice: Under no circumstances should you ever mention the words “mother,” “father,” “daughter,” “fuck,” “shit” and “cats” on your blog. If you absolutely must, use synonyms. Such as “parent.” And “felines.” And “tittup.” Which technically means “to move in a lively manner,” but after seeing it as Merriam-Webster‘s Word of the Day, I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands and redefine it. A word like that shouldn’t go to waste.

Also, definitely do not write a post about how most of the people who find your blog do so with disconcerting combinations of the words “mother,” “father,” “daughter,” “fuck,” “shit” and “cats.” No good can come of it. And yes, of course I realize that’s what I’m doing right now – as a public service to readers. You’re welcome.

Everything I do, I do it for you. Exactly like the Bryan Adams song. Except the majority of things I do, I do for my cats, Teva and Isabel. Instead, let’s say most things I do, I do for you. Like, 90-10 in favor of my cats, though. When I’m not doing stuff for my cats, I occasionally think about doing things for you and then get distracted and do more stuff for my cats, basically. Which I’m pretty sure is what Bryan Adams meant.

Bob, who is the curmudgeon of the news copy desk and a published author of erotic stories which is not at all relevant to this post but I can’t be trusted to keep that kind of information secret, seems to take the most enjoyment from my sharing and telling. One Friday night a few months ago, he took to the interweb in a bid to generate his own squirm-inducing searches that trace back to AWC. It didn’t take long before he struck Google gold.

“MOTHER SHIT ON MY CAT!” he proudly howled.

I turned to Twitter to share my shame:

In retrospect, if you don’t want people to find your blog by searching for “mother shit on my cat,” you should probably not tweet about it. Or repeatedly put quotes around it in a post lamenting that you live in a twisted world where people can find your blog searching for “mother shit on my cat.”

Hits started trickling in. I begged Twitter to stop:

Fast forward to yesterday. While I was doing my usual nightly Google searches – my name, my cats’ names, my exes’ names, my geriatric lovers Julie Andrew‘s and Elton John‘s names – I randomly decided to dust off Bob’s infamous query and take it out for a search engine spin.

Umm. Out of 223,000 results, I’m No. 1, you guys.

Suck it, Shit On My Hands! Or maybe don’t suck it, because there’s apparently shit on your hands and that can’t be sanitary. But think about sucking it. Hard.

As elated as I am with this obviously well-earned and highly sought-after achievement, I’m still not entirely sure why Google thinks my mother shits on my cats.

So I just want to come to her defense and set the record straight: My mother hasn’t shit on my cats. Yet.

P.S. I’m probably going to rue the day that I dropped the word “erotic” into a post that also has “mother,” “father,” “daughter,” “fuck,” “shit” and “cats.” Call it a hunch.

38 Comments leave one →
  1. October 1, 2010 11:12 AM

    Number 1 spot is still number 1 spot. No matter whether there is truth in advertising or not. 😉 Congrats!

    Now off to google your blog… LOL.

  2. MirtoP permalink
    October 1, 2010 11:20 AM

    Congrats on being No. 1, but I have to say I’m awfully intrigued by the No. 3 result: “My Mother killed my Cats and Dog, and then Herself.” No shit!

  3. October 1, 2010 11:40 AM

    My biggest traffic director is “Candice Olson’s Handwriting.”

    I love the show. I have no idea why the Canadian interior designer’s penmanship brings people to my blog.

    And I talked about that once or twice, and then it KEPT happening.

    Eventually I knew some crazed decorating person was going to so resent NOT being able to find factual information about how Candy holds a crayon that I was going to get my blog hacked.

    Hasn’t happened yet. IT SO COULD THOUGH.

    PS – Hey, my name is on your blog, in the same tweet as an obscenity. I feel famous and dirty at the same time.

    I could get used to that.

  4. October 1, 2010 12:57 PM

    You’d think your mother shitting on your cats would mean maybe it’s time to level up to the less formal “mom,” don’t you think? Shitting on your cats is kind of an icebreaker that way.

    I turned off google search for my blog, because I use “fuck” and “shit” a lot, and my blog title includes the words “steam” and “kid.” My analytics gave me nightmares.

  5. October 1, 2010 1:09 PM

    When Bryan Adams wrote that song, he would serenade his cats with his guitar. Then he’d be all “shit! I need to write my blog,” and then mid-way through blogging he’d get bored and go back to his cats, even though he promised his readers that everything he did, he did it for them.
    It was a long struggle, worse than quitting meth amphetamine, and he couldn’t break the pattern. Then Kevin Reynolds came by for dinner one night, and he heard Bryan’s song and was all, “That is the most amazing song ever, mind if I use it in my new movie ‘Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves?'” and Bryan was all, ‘I dunno, dude. This song is kind of about my cats…’ and then they decided to arm wrestle for it and Bryan lost and Kevin took the song and BAM! it was top of the charts for eight years and even though Bryan’s cats kinda missed out, he still made loads of money.

    True story.

    I saw it on VH1.

  6. andygirl permalink
    October 1, 2010 2:58 PM

    you SO win at the Internet!

  7. steff permalink
    October 1, 2010 3:47 PM

    dude, that’s an HONOR. #1 on google? that’s really something right there. i also learned the hard way about phrasing in posts. i MISTAKENLY wrote an INNOCENT blog post about this time when i was a “young child” and i stuck “pussy” willows in my nose bc i was… a child. and stupid, apparently. anyway, i think you know where this is going…
    i had to change the wording of said post bc i was getting hits from people who i’m *pretty sure* were persons of interest in a multitude of amber alerts.

  8. October 1, 2010 3:48 PM

    I can’t look at my Google stats….it makes me seriously worried about the state of humanity’s mental stability.

  9. October 1, 2010 3:50 PM

    the second highest search term of all time for my blog is “Fuck you Justin Bieber” which is either people who hate him or people looking for bieberporn.

    so, just like his mother, i’ve found a way to capitalize on him too. win!

    • October 1, 2010 4:19 PM

      I love this and wish I too could capitalize on the young Canadian douchebag…um singing superstar too 😉

  10. October 1, 2010 4:20 PM

    Seriously this is why your blog is fun!!!

  11. khickey11 permalink
    October 1, 2010 4:52 PM

    One of the best posts ever! You go, girl!

    So this reminds me… One of my favorite t-shirts says, “Fuck you, you fucking fuck.”
    Unfortunately, it’s not my t-shirt, it’s someone else’s, so I can’t wear it to piss anyone off.
    Because from what I have seen lately, people are easily pissed off.
    But that has nothing to do with your post.
    Thank heaven, which had a lot to do with your post, apparently. LOL

  12. October 1, 2010 5:04 PM

    But you REALLY showed ““My Mother killed my Cats and Dog, and then Herself.” Bitches…

    my number one search: “Girl Scouts Fucking”

  13. October 1, 2010 6:22 PM

    this is just TOO hilarious!

  14. October 1, 2010 6:36 PM

    Oh, girly, I’m feeling you since I regularly use daughter and fuck on my blog. Wrongly wrong what people will look for.

    But, you are by far the master of all. I’m impressed with your ability to win the internet. This is why I loves you.

  15. D mama permalink
    October 1, 2010 10:58 PM

    Leave it to Google to say a thing like that! She can’t be trusted. I bet you’re wondering how I know Google is female. Everyone depends on her. 🙂

    I would congratulate you on being #1 on google, except I don’t think “My mother shits on cats” is a very popular phrase. At least I hope not. But I’ll still congratulate you, what the hell! Congrats!

    Uh oh, now you have depends, hell, mother, daughter, father, fuck, shit and cats!

  16. October 2, 2010 1:41 AM

    At least you’re taking the initiative about this.

    I just sort of feel powerless to stop it. And you can imagine what kind of traffic I get with a blog called “Daddy’s My Mommy.”

  17. October 2, 2010 8:55 AM

    That function is the best part of having a blog. I get mostly ‘meat curtain’ searches….

  18. BeneathTheSpinLight permalink
    October 2, 2010 11:59 AM

    You’re basically famous! You should totally be honored. You can’t find my blog anywhere in google unless you copy and paste an entire paragraph, word for word. And even then, sometimes other things come up and my blog is lost in oblivion.

  19. October 2, 2010 12:10 PM

    Not to, well, shit on your parade, BUT…

    Before your mom gets too excited about this, notice that Google doesn’t specify whose mother shit on you cat. Just “mother.”

    Seriously, it could be anyone’s mom.

    So, yeah, you should probably tell your mom she’s gonna have to try harder at all the shitting if she actually wants to make #1.

    Sorry to be a party pooper.

  20. October 2, 2010 2:39 PM

    This is huge. I’m going to purposefully make Google my bitch by planting key words in my future posts. I didn’t know you could do this.

    PS – Tell you mom, it’s no big deal. It happens to everyone.

  21. Obiwan Ben Buckley permalink
    October 2, 2010 5:28 PM

    Yup, ‘erotic stories of cat shit’ works too. Someone stop me.

  22. October 2, 2010 6:14 PM

    This is too funny! Congrats on the #1 spot, girl!

  23. The General (aka: Mommy) permalink
    October 2, 2010 6:17 PM

    I used to be number 1 on google for “Army Time Management”.

    Little things, people. Little things.

    Except now I’m number two and three and you know-im a little bit sad about that.

    Congrats on your google glory!

  24. October 4, 2010 4:23 AM

    That is too funny I am laughing like a loon at my desk at work! Before I blocked search engines and protected most of my posts I used to love reading the google results on the stats page too. I also got a little freaked out at some people googling my full name and my partners name and things like ‘Where is Rhiannon B…’ or ‘Connah H… lives’ and finding it… I link my blog on facebook, so all my actual friends can find it there. Why are people googling us! Needless to say I changed my URL, names on the blog, blocked search engines and password protected. Google is mental, and dangerous!

  25. October 4, 2010 11:54 AM

    i’ve got the same problem. except mine’s “fat gay.” apparently, there’s a whole helluva lotta ppl out there with fetishes for uh, fat gays? i blame my “big fat gay wedding” page.

    i probably just did it to you, too. check your stats in five minutes 😉

  26. October 4, 2010 1:13 PM

    Priceless. The title alone made me spit up my afternoon coffee. If I were you, I’d be as proud as a cat-shitting-mom that you are #1 on Google for something. By the way, how do people determine what Google search terms turn up their blog?

    • October 5, 2010 6:35 PM

      Every host is different, but within WordPress, there is a feature called “site stats.” There are also more powerful tools available to bloggers, such as Google Analytics. Give it a spin. Maybe your mom shits on cats, too!

  27. October 5, 2010 8:35 PM

    How can you mention Bryan Adams and not point out that he’s from Canada?

    Congrats on being #1!

  28. October 5, 2010 10:20 PM

    If by “rue the day” you mean create a holiday in honor of that day and always make sure to take it off work and celebrate by watching lotsa tv on the couch with your cats, then yes, you will come to rue that day 🙂

  29. October 6, 2010 1:00 PM

    people find my blog by searching “coherent thought,” “lotsoffucking” and “fun experiences on benadyl.” which tells me i’m disappointing many readers.

  30. October 7, 2010 1:11 AM

    I always get dildos, rainbows unicorns and glitter… and the one Im sure will one day have Homeland Security knocking in my doors… “DIY Explosives” – that one worries me.

  31. October 7, 2010 9:25 PM

    I’m fairly certain that the cats would not allow your mother to shit on them. If cats could frown upon something, that would be it.

  32. October 8, 2010 5:50 PM

    I have no idea how to find out this type of information. But recently I did buy my cat a bed to sit on while she looks out the window. From Goodwill. Most things I do, I also do for my cat.

  33. October 8, 2010 5:50 PM

    Provided they are cheap.

    • October 8, 2010 5:51 PM

      Also, the first time I tried to post that last comment, the site told me, “You are posting comments too quickly. Slow down.” Like, I’m going to fall and break a hip if I Intertron too fast? Speaking of old age, I guess it’s on to your next post.

  34. November 4, 2010 9:06 AM

    “Bob, who is the curmudgeon of the news copy desk and a published author of erotic stories which is not at all relevant to this post but I can’t be trusted to keep that kind of information secret”

    …still laughing.

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