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I’ve tricked Netflix into believing I’m sophisticated and not someone who fast-forwards to sex scenes in movies

October 19, 2010

One of these things is not like the other.

I neglected to properly plan ahead and reorder my Netflix queue back in August.

I’d been thoroughly looking forward to fluffing the pillows on my futon, cracking open a half-gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream and hunkering down for a night with McDreamy and my mccats. I was expecting to receive Season 6 of “Grey’s Anatomy.” I wept when two red envelopes arrived containing “Sometimes in April” and “All the President’s Men.”

OK, no tears were shed. The only thing my exes and my mother have ever agreed upon is that I am robotic and incapable of experiencing human emotion. But if I had the capacity to cry, this seems to be a scenario worthy of waterworks.

On another night when I was in the company of only cats pining for an ex drowning my sorrows in sweets taking an evening off to recharge from my overbooked and high-energy social life, I tapped into a stolen WiFi connection and carefully culled through Netflix’s numerous offerings in an impassioned effort to expand my horizons. Historical dramas! True crime! Independent documentaries! I felt brainier with each low-budget, single-camera esoteric directorial debut that I added to my account.

Thanks to the thirst for knowledge I sometimes feign, movies about the Watergate scandal and Rwandan genocide have been sitting on a dusty shelf in my apartment for almost two months.

I can’t bring myself to watch them; I can’t bring myself to send them back. I estimate that I’ve now wasted approximately $25 on those movies. As you may already know, I’m bad at math, so that number could be considerably higher or lower. It’s hard to say. What I know for sure is that $25 plus or minus a lot or a little would be better spent on my cats. Basically, Rwanda is taking organic, grain-free, human-grade food straight out of Isabel and Teva’s mouths. You’d think Rwanda of all places would know better.

Don’t get me wrong. I care as much about Woodward and Bernstein and the Hutus and Tutsis as most Americans. Which, apparently, is not that much at all.

You know what I *really* care about? Whether Arizona and Callie are still boning on “Grey’s Anatomy.” It’s called priorities, you guys.

And you know what I can’t watch until I send back those other discs? Sigh.

I probably already would have devoured the flicks if they included a little lesbian action. That’s all I’m saying. I mean, “All the President’s Men” sounds like the name of a drag-king band and is about behind-closed-doors shenanigans at the Watergate hotel. Stuff happens in hotels. Sexy stuff. You do the math. Seriously, do the math. Because I can’t.

Also, depending on what charitable crusade you’re aligned with, April is Stress Awareness Month, STD Awareness Month and Tsunami Awareness Month, among others. “Sometimes in April” could have highlighted the Rwandan genocide with a B story line about a girl named … hmm … oh, I don’t know … off the top of my head … JESSICA, who is stressed about STDs because of the tsunami of sex she’s been having. Or something. I’m not a filmmaker. These are just suggestions, Hollywood.

Now, because I’ve hoarded these two films for months, Netflix thinks I’m so enamored of them that my “taste preferences” indicate I also would be interested in “suspenseful political dramas” about the Cuban Missile Crisis and the Flying Nun‘s escape from Islamic Iran.

Stop helping, Netflix.

Unwilling to quietly end my costly standoff with Netflix, I marched down the street to the local video place and slapped down $5 to rent the first installment of “Grey’s Anatomy.” I’ve watched all four episodes on the first disc. The most Callie and Arizona touched was when one rested her head on the other’s shoulder as the camera panned out. It’s as if ABC doesn’t realize I live vicariously through token gay characters on primetime soaps.

There was as much lesbian sexual tension on that show as I expect there to be in a movie about the ethnic cleansing of 800,000 Africans. Not enough.

Please recommend movies and TV shows to me that don’t suck. Or suck *a lot.* If you know what I mean.

I will add them to my queue and probably forget that they’re there and then one fateful day they’ll arrive when I don’t want them and I won’t cry because I’m emotionally stunted and then I’ll write a blog post about how I can’t even win at Netflix. So really, I’m just planning ahead. Because I learn my lessons. Sort of.

66 Comments leave one →
  1. October 19, 2010 5:43 AM

    Hi AWC, if it’s sapphic action you’re after, look no further than The L-Word if you have not previously devoured its plastic glamour*. I myself got to the part with the custody battle over the art curator’s baby. It got a bit less hot then. There is also building lesbian passion in the third season of Deadwood, and fortunately the rest of the series is Amazing, capital A. While out on the frontier this year I also had time to watch: Sopranos, The Wire and Trueblood. The dyke cop in The Wire gets lots of action. Fortunately the rest of the series is also Amazing, capital A, so go for it. Added to all these is the fabulous Mad Men. Enjoy!
    *Be warned, L-Word has the worst theme song in TV history.

  2. October 19, 2010 6:24 AM

    Have you seen When Night is Falling? Or how about Go Fish? They’re both fabulous films!

  3. Deb permalink
    October 19, 2010 6:35 AM

    There’s a new HOT & STEAMY lesbian series on BBC, called Lip Service with Laura Fraser as one of the stars. It’s the Brits’ answer to the L-Word. Not currently available on DVD as it’s still on the air and only one episode in, but you can download it and/or possibly watch it on the BBC website. Of course, with a stolen wi-fi signal that’s not going to be easy. Ok, forget I said anything. Hey look over there, something shiny!

  4. October 19, 2010 6:52 AM

    “Bound”. i almost completely jumped the broom to the ladies team after watching that one…

  5. October 19, 2010 8:54 AM

    Have you seen The Real L Word? Horrible TV show but yet one that I couldn’t seem to pull myself away from.

  6. October 19, 2010 9:51 AM

    “Passion” is a musical written by Steven Sondheim.

    I love Steven Sondheim.

    Netflicks has a recording of Passion.

    I have now had Passion sitting on my TV stand for a year.

    Let me say that again – a year.

    That never happened when I used to get Coupling.

    Netflicks is screwing with our minds.

  7. October 19, 2010 10:35 AM

    I know your Netflix pain (spoiler: that’s where I’m going to go here because I really have no suggestions for scrumptious lesbian television programming). Himself and I will convince ourselves that we’re deep and artsy and that we need to watch documentaries like “Helvetica” and honest to GOD that’s an actual documentary, but then get the disc and I’ll be all “I’m not in the mood for that…” for about a month.

    Because what I really want to watch is episodes of “The Big Bang Theory.”

    But the WORST part is that Himself will eventually watch them on his own and then send them back.

    So basically he’s getting smarter than me by the month. Which is, frankly, irritating.

    • October 19, 2010 6:16 PM

      “Helvetica” is totally in my queue. I don’t know why, either.

      • Marika permalink
        October 22, 2010 10:52 PM

        Helvetica (which I just watched after also having it in my queue for many months) won’t change your life, but it is worth the time. The movie and viewpoints get better the further in you get. And I actually found it really inspiring. Totally put me in the mood to do something creative and productive.

      • Little Tart permalink
        October 28, 2010 12:40 PM

        Mine too! Every time I see it I’m like “Oh, I should watch that…but have a pressing need to watch re-watch a David Tennant episode of Doctor Who instead. Next time, Helvetica, next time.”

        David does have floppy hair and a British accent so it is kind of like watching a Documentary about a font.

  8. October 19, 2010 12:10 PM

    OK, my go to drama is Tudors. LOTS OF BONING, some straight some gay, and awesome costumes and words like BESOTTED and NULL AND VOID. But if you’re not into historical stuff…well, I might no be able to help you — I basically only watch the Tudors, Big Love, and True Blood for dramas (recommend all!) and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Archer for snarky comedies. Oh, and Food Network. But there’s not as much lesbian action on Food Network as one might hope. 😦

    • October 19, 2010 1:59 PM

      YES…TUDORS. Amazing.

      If you like reality television you should see Hoarders, as well…but not at the same time as Tudors because that just gets…confusing.

  9. October 19, 2010 12:11 PM

    Dude, everyone in my life has unanimously agreed that my taste in entertainment is not to be trusted. Example? I am currently obsessed with made-for-tv boy band Big Time Rush. The tv show is on series record on the dvr and I just bought their album.
    If that hasn’t convinced you of the terribleness, email me and I’ll tell you what else watch.

  10. October 19, 2010 12:38 PM

    The last few ones I rented that I loved: BSG (all seasons), Spirited Away, Dan in Real Life (despite the fact that it costars Dane Cook), I may be the only person in the entire world who loved Lady in the Water and who still believes in M. Night. None of these has any good sex of any kind.

    The Real L Word, someone said it up there. Horrible show. But still, a wonderful show.

    Holy crap, Not Without My Daughter. One day looking through my cable stations, I saw it and decided to give it a go. Halfway through I’m wondering where’s Sally Field, and why is this not set anywhere in the middle east, and what is Tori Spelling doing in a Sally Field movie? Turns out I got my titles confused, and had instead been watching Mother May I Play With Danger?, the Lifetime original movie.

  11. October 19, 2010 12:50 PM

    I’ve always liked American Pie 2, but I have a nagging feeling that movie is “lesbians for guys,” not “lesbians for lesbians.”

    Sorry, what do I know? I’m just clueless straight dude.

    Oh wait, there is something I know as a straight dude….

    Robots can cry. Robots do have emotions. *cough cough* Star Trek *cough cough* Data *cough cough*

    Ergo, you’re not even a robot. Sorry, dude. :-p

  12. bellanottebelle permalink
    October 19, 2010 12:59 PM

    Psych – hands down one of the best shows ever. No lesbian action – but lots of crazy antics. I’ve always wanted to use that in a sentence.

  13. October 19, 2010 1:15 PM

    Just watch porn. That’s why God invented the internet.

    Oh, wait. Sorry. I’m an athiest.

    That’s why some dude invented thin internet.

    I have a similar problem with my rented DVD’s. I recently had a film so long, they wrote to me asking for it back. “We won’t charge you, but please send it back. Seriously, you’ve paid so much in rental fees you could have bought the damn film to KEEP…”

    I kept it another week, then I watched it, then I sent it back. Know what else, I didn’t even really enjoy it.

  14. October 19, 2010 1:29 PM

    I’m so not Netflix savvy – and now I regret it. I gotta get with the times already!

  15. MirtoP permalink
    October 19, 2010 1:50 PM

    I keep telling you to rent “The Burning Plain,” but nooooo. Perhaps no lesbian sexual tension per se, but watching Charlize Theron and Kim Basinger in, uh, “sexual situations” (not together!) won’t hurt you – and then there’s “your” John Corbett… Lacks Dennis Quaid and Elizabeth Mitchell, but we can’t have everything, huh?

  16. October 19, 2010 1:56 PM

    Well, for a good show that got canceled after two seasons and doesn’t involve any gay anything but is still totally worth seeing, I’d recommend Dead Like Me – AND – you can stream it through Netflix on that pirated WiFi.

    Otherwise there is the constant sexual tension of my favorite television show Xena: Warrior Princess. And if you squint your eyes *just so*, in some scenes it looks like they’re making out without shirts on. But it’s entirely possible that I’m the only one who can see that. (Also available via Netflix streaming)

  17. October 19, 2010 1:59 PM

    Alas, I wish I had some advice/suggestions but nope, I’ve been in the same situation. I really wanted to watch ridiculous English murder mysteries (my own version of soft porn) but then I got all self conscious and started renting things like Inconvenient Truth and Supersize Me, which I know are great, and finally watched after 6 (yes, 6) months of them sitting on my bookshelf. And all the while I was watching them I just couldn’t get the mysteries out of my head…so, so sad.
    My point: I’m a trainwreck and really not helpful in the slightest.

  18. October 19, 2010 2:22 PM

    Silly woman didn’t you know that LGBT’s are to excessively frightening for ABC, CBS or NBC? It’s true. I’ve heard that if you watch ‘the gays’ you become ‘the gay’. Seriously I was sure it was something in the water. No really…I grew up in Middle Class Suburbia and out of the 30 homes on our street 18 of them had gay children or were gay themselves. It was AWESOME!!! But I digress.

    As for watching something good that’s a tough one since I haven’t seen a decent movie in about 2 years. I say rent Bye Bye Birdie…Ann-Margaret was hot as Kim and technically it’s now a historical piece 😉

  19. October 19, 2010 2:23 PM

    LOL 🙂 loved the post! “All the Presidents Men”….seen it….you are not missing much by not seeing it. Didn’t “House” have some lesbian action in it… cannot recall which season but it was with the girl called “Thirteen” who had a few flings anyway.

  20. October 19, 2010 2:39 PM

    my dear, I am about to rock your world. first of all, discover Netflix instant streaming. you’ll get your money’s worth right there. second, discover Project Free TV. you can watch all the back episodes of Greys you want. online. forever.

    and I won’t tell you what happens, but you will be very please with the most current haps on Greys. PLEASED.

    • October 19, 2010 6:14 PM

      I would love to discover both of those excellent suggestions. But I can’t, because I steal internet, and it doesn’t appear to be in my best interest to call and bitch to the university across the street from my apartment about their crappy signal that doesn’t meet my TV needs.

  21. Laura permalink
    October 19, 2010 2:45 PM

    I wonder if you can tell that I added your feed to my iGoogle page… cuz, yeah, I just did. Say hello to your newest fan. 😉

  22. October 19, 2010 2:52 PM

    1. i hate math.
    2. enjoy lesbian porn.
    3. am straight.

    hmm. perhaps should reconsider #3 again.

  23. October 19, 2010 3:26 PM

    Oh dear — they factor in how long you keep them?? No wonder! If they knew how people really worked, they would do it the other way (that’s what she said) and realize you like the ones you take one day to return. Duh.

    And there is no hot lesbian action, but DEXTER, oh my god, DEXTER.

  24. October 19, 2010 6:02 PM

    Well, if it has to be on TV . . . and there has to be a plot . . . try THE WIRE.

  25. October 19, 2010 6:19 PM

    You probably created a job just by going to the video store.

  26. October 19, 2010 8:20 PM

    Little known British TV show called Skins. Awesome. And a full hour per episode.

  27. October 19, 2010 8:49 PM

    Grey’s Anatomy Season 6…I just finished watching it on my computer a couple days ago via Instant Viewing. You’ll love it.

  28. The Good The Bad & The Random permalink
    October 19, 2010 9:34 PM

    YPF… “Young People Fucking”… everyone has sex with everyone in the movie. But may i say i noticed your only on season 1 of gossip girl. keep going. that and grey’s is all a single gal needs in the world. and then i wonder why i’m single….

  29. October 19, 2010 9:45 PM

    Okay, don’t hate me for saying this, but HOW do you like Grey’s Anatomy? It’s so poorly written!

    I agree with someone else (I’m too lazy to scroll up and look at their name) who commented: watch the L-Word (or even The Real L-Word…I loved it)! I see that you watch Glee, and Jane Lynch is in The L-Word, so ya! More Jane Lynchiness!

    P.S. if you haven’t watched this already, you should totally watch this movie called TiMER. It’s really well done and it’s impossible to find unless you have Netflix.

  30. October 19, 2010 10:59 PM

    Oh my god. We are soulmates. I’ve done the same thing so many times that I’ve started pulling this move: I go to my mailbox, see that glorious red Netflix envelope and open it. If the movie sucks, then I immediately reseal it and put it right back in the goddam mailbox. I had the documentary “Flow: For Love of Water” for 3 months over the summer, knowing perfectly well I was never going to watch it and that no one can ever stop me from buying bottled water.

    My favorite line: “What I know for sure is that $25 plus or minus a lot or a little would be better spent on my cats. Basically, Rwanda is taking organic, grain-free, human-grade food straight out of Isabel and Teva’s mouths. You’d think Rwanda of all places would know better.”


  31. October 19, 2010 11:44 PM

    Well, I’m currently hooked on Dexter, Weeds, Mad Men, Big Love, Supernatural, Medium, Battlestar Galactica (best show ever), Dead Zone Series, and I’m sure there’s more I’m not thinking of at the moment…I watch way too much Netflix instant streaming. I don’t even know how I squeeze in time for school and running my own business. Anyway, I totally agree with whoever recommended TiMERS that was awesome I thought. I have only seen the first few episodes of The L Word but I loved it so far. Also, Secret Diary of a Call Girl and Nip/Tuck are pretty steamy and include all kinds of sexy stuff! My two cents…

  32. Carolspy permalink
    October 20, 2010 1:10 AM

    The fact that my sarcastic, irreverent Jewish friend ISN’T watching Curb Your Enthusiasm is unacceptable! Seriously, it’s like it was written expressly for people like you and me. You MUST try it, I beg you!

  33. October 20, 2010 1:15 AM

    so bad, it’s amazing:
    Cannibal, the musical. we just found it on instant netflix.
    the guys from south park made it.
    includes the line, “my heart is as full as a baked potato.”

  34. October 20, 2010 1:39 AM

    i get my netflix thru the wii. (i knew there was a reason i caved to my 10-year-old’s request to get the damn thing) also….i watch a lot of documentaries. Soooo….in the spirit of your prior post & turning 30! I’m going to recommend……Youth Knows No Pain. Enjoy. And….you’re welcome. 😉

  35. October 20, 2010 1:45 AM

    Rwanda is so rude.

    End the stand-off with Netflix. It’s only hurting you. I have a documentary by Errol Morris that’s been on my nightstand since May. Let’s do it together. We can do it. Fuck being intelligent by night. We’re too smart during the day. Right? We are, right?
    Rwanda? Hello?

  36. October 20, 2010 4:04 PM

    Yours is the best headline of all time.

  37. redg_rl permalink
    October 20, 2010 9:26 PM

    hmm. netflix has work to do if so many of our flicks are collecting dust. ‘airplane’ has been in my possession since.. July? I keep forgetting about it.. til NOW! the instant-watch has made netflix worth it at this point & they just emailed something about not needing the special disc for the wii anymore so perhaps you have more streaming options these days? I’ll read the message & get back to you. I’m sorry that this isn’t funny & I’m also sorry that a certain university isn’t providing enough ‘net for ya, time to bake more cookies!

  38. That Girl permalink
    October 20, 2010 9:40 PM

    I would recommend Loving Annabelle and Fingersmith, which just so happen to be in Netflix instant and have my very sophisticated favorite scenes in a film ever. All said scenes are also freely available on Youtube.

    Because I’m a classy broad.

  39. October 21, 2010 1:17 AM

    The Hours. Particularly the scenes where Nicole Kidman makes love with the grass.

  40. October 21, 2010 9:34 AM

    Netflix is unaware of my existence. I believe I shall keep it that way.

    We don’t watch many movies that were produced in the past decade. I think perhaps our aged brains and proclivities have provided us with attention spans that require more than chase sequences and sex scenes to keep our attention.

    Personally I have never quite understood the desire to watch people having sex or looking at pictures of that activity. From a very early age (about 6) I understood that sex was not designed to be a spectator sport. Though, I suppose in the absence of a partner with which to engage in the activity, passively observing bits and bytes and pixels might provide some amusement.

    For a great story, sweet love, some fine music and some good laughs, try watching “August Rush”. Sorry. No sex scenes of any sort, hetero, bi- or any other sexual combinations. Just a passionate search for a heart’s desire. . .

  41. October 21, 2010 11:32 AM

    Honey, send back the movies, and spend the money on internet so you can watch streaming netflix and porn. That’s a mom’s advice.

    Or, you could go to starucks and watch it with headphones. They have a one-person bathroom to take care of things at some point during the show, and then you could write a blog post about how you life has declined one more notch down the dignity scale now that you’ve “fingersmithed” yourself in a Starbucks bathroom.

    Not that I ever did that (at work) (when it was slow).

    Mom advice is always practical. Ask my daughter.

  42. October 21, 2010 3:27 PM

    I’m going to compile two new DVDs–one with all of the scenes where Mark takes his shirt off and another with all the lesbian action. That way neither of us will have to waste time wading through plot.

  43. October 22, 2010 5:31 AM

    As ever, you bring to mind SO very many things that we have in common!!! AND your delightful readers have given me some startling ideas!!! For example, that Brit TV show, “Skins”??? I searched for it until I became exhausted and gave up; but now someone has said it’s available, so now THIS someone will be getting that shizzz… that is, after I return the Netflix crap, er, movies that came to my home approximately 6 weeks ago and have been staring me down threatening to “out” me as a faux-intellectual, or at least, like, SHALLOW to the max, if I don’t watch them first. One of them is “Helter Skelter,” and another is “Hotel Rwanda.” The sleeve description of the latter even described it as “sort of like a ‘Schindler’s List but in Africa.” okay, that’s probably offensive to BOTH groups of people who BOTH have completely unique and terrible stories, but I digress…

    Who was I when I ordered this morose shit? I’m not watching it. It’s just a matter of when I send it away so that I can get “Step Up” and pretend I’ll learn the break-dance moves in a week. And also maybe “Finding Nemo,” cuz that was a Jeopardy question recently and I realized I had never seen that classic. That’s how I roll.

    As one of your readers said, I am also disturbed by your suggestion that Netflix takes into account the amount of time you hold onto your movies; is this a verified FACT???? I mean, I know they are NOT PLAYIN when it comes to suggestions and all that. Oh dear, there is some lame crap that I’ve like lost behind the dvd player, forgotten in my car and thought I had mailed away, etc. All considered favorites of mine now, no doubt. The humanity!

  44. October 22, 2010 9:35 AM

    Um. Here is what I got from your blog:

    “I like sex scenes. I am a lesbian, so I like lesbian sex scenes. Can anyone recommend some good lesbian entertainment that has sex in it? And then some stuff about Netflix.”

    I found it interesting that you have many suggestions for good TV (etc) but few for what I read as what you wanted. Then again… we all see ourselves in others so… hmmm…

    Well. I will ignore the implications there. To answer what I thought your request was, I did enjoy the L Word (although the last season sucked and how have you not already seen it?). Hot scenes in “Loving Annabelle” but don’t expect to be happy in the end (oooo spoiler?) And I’ve heard “Bound” is the shiz-nit, but I’ve never seen (bad gay! bad gay!).

    And… then I sent you an e-mail with a link for suggestions to gay movies that I can’t post here because it won’t help the whole “anonymous” thing.

    • October 22, 2010 9:41 AM

      PS For movies with very little sex, “But I’m a Cheerleader!” is hilarious, and if you can find it, “Inlaws & Outlaws” is flippin adorable. Gay-tastic.

  45. October 24, 2010 9:15 AM

    Since no one mentioned True Blood… I will! There’s sex sex and more sex. Lesbian, orgies, and straight sex. Seriously, great show and it’s pretty funny and a little frightening at times. My kinda thing, certainly not everyone’s.

  46. October 24, 2010 10:49 AM

    I’m working with high-up officials to propagate the awareness that the combination of stress and STDs are what truly cause tsunamis – and that the month should TRULY be focused on that notion.

  47. October 24, 2010 10:58 PM

    BBC’s miniseries treatment of “Tipping the Velvet”. Shed Productions’ “Bad Girls” (but only season 1 to 3 because the rest suck hairy balls). Better than Chocolate. And Lea Pool’s When Night is Falling.

    That is enough girl-on-girl action to make you go blind. Enjoy!

  48. October 30, 2010 4:33 PM

    Late to this, as with everything else:

    Northern Exposure
    Burn Notice

    Now, there’s a bit of girl-girl stuff in a few of those, but mostly they are fun and generally SMART so you win either way.

    Also, seriously, just check the internets for porn. So much easier.

  49. November 3, 2010 1:20 PM

    First time reader & commenter.

    You are awesome and hot. The fact that you’re single has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the world being unfair & unjust. Just look at the (*#@&$_@Q* elections last night.

    I have a couple of single friends in the Boston area…we can talk.

    Movies/TV sex scene faves: Bound, of course. L Word – of course, you’ve seen this, I’m certain. But it’s better if you just fast forward to the sex scenes. I recommend the season with Shane & …hmmm..what the F was her name…played by a hot latin girl…hmm. crap. Hold on, let me consult said Netflix…had to go all the way to imdb after coming up with Sara Shahi’s name..Carmen! Shane & Carmen – only reason to watch the season that I can recall.

    That’s it for TV and actual lesbian sex.

    Movies: Teaching Annabelle, the aforementioned Bound (which does bear repeating), Imagine Me & You (kisses if not sex).

    If you don’t own Bound, you should.

  50. Roxanne permalink
    November 5, 2010 4:50 PM

    Itty Bitty Titty Committee and But I’m A Cheerleader are lesbian classics by Jamie Babbit. Also: Watermelon Woman = fun ridic very lowbudget indie movie with hot hot sex scene! And, as everyone’s already mentioned, the L Word!

  51. October 19, 2012 6:01 AM

    I don’t even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was great. I do not know who you are but certainly you are going to a famous blogger if you are not already 😉 Cheers!

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