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October 25, 2010

When folks inquire why I’m still single, I usually tell them it’s because I’m extremely picky. I know what I want, and I won’t settle for less.

In the past two and a half years, I’ve dated only three women, each stint more brief than the next. The first was verbally abusive and stalked me for six months. The second slept with me for three nights and dumped me in an email. And the third turned out to be a philandering part-time pill popper.

As you can see, I simply will not accept second best. I won’t rest until I hit rock bottom.

Assuming my potential suitors meet or exceed my incredibly high standards of heartlessness, insobriety, and insanity, they then must also measure up in what I’ve taken to calling the Julie Andrews Department. I’ve mentioned my mega-crush on this grand dame of cinema and the Great White Way before, but I didn’t fully explain the gravity of the situation. It is imperative that my girlfriends bear a striking resemblance to the actress’ legendary star turns as either Fraulein Maria or Mary Poppins. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down. And by “medicine” I mean “me.” Ay-oh.

Imagine my dismay when I noticed that the vast majority of women cruising my online dating profile on OkCupid are polar opposites of Julie Andrews. Subtract her cropped blond locks, expressive sapphire eyes and ability to soar with ease over London’s rainy rooftops with the assistance of a chatty umbrella and what’s left is, apparently, an Asian girl.

Asians like me. And I like Julie Andrews. No one wins.

Asians like me. And I like Julie Andrews. No one wins.

And Asian girls can’t get enough of me, it seems.

When I first noticed the influx of Asian traffic on my account, I was stumped by this mystery of the Orient. I balked. I resisted. I wouldn’t answer their messages. I bitched to my friends. And they were all, “You’re arbitrarily ruling out a lot of great ladies.” And, “You’re just intimidated by their superior math and science skills.” And, “YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF FOR BEING A TERRIBLE RACIST.”

You guys. That isn’t fair. Just because I like my women like I like my edelweisssmall and white – doesn’t make me a racist.

OK, fine. It kind of does. But I think we all can agree it’s totally Julie Andrews’ fault that I don’t want my lady fingers anywhere near a bento box.

In an attempt to overcome my apparent rampant racism, after a witty email exchange I finally acquiesced and agreed to a first date with Janice, a 37-year-old native of Guam.

As far as a date with someone I knew I wouldn’t be attracted to goes, everything was fine. It wasn’t all that bad. That is, until she dropped two bombs: She has a 16-year-old son. And she’s allergic to cats. I’m not sure which is worse. Sometimes this blog just writes itself.

In many ways, I was relieved. Because those deal-breakers? They meant I had good reason to be turned off not just by her lack of a four-octave vocal range and inability to sew unsightly curtains into play clothes. I was equally put off by her live-in teenage boy and her body’s tragic intolerance of Teva and Isabel.

Yes, that’s right – I wasn’t rejecting her because of her race. I was rejecting her as a person.

Look how far I’ve come.

In spite of my progress, I’m reverting back to my choosy and vaguely prejudiced ways. There’s something to be said for knowing what you want. If I want Julie Andrews, I should have Julie Andrews. Except she’s 75. And straight. And has been married for more than 40 years to her husband, Blake Edwards. Lucky bastard. But I have to believe there’s at least one girl out there somewhere who measures up in the Julie Andrews Department.

Here’s hoping my patience pays off. In the most delightful way.

38 Comments leave one →
  1. October 25, 2010 4:47 AM

    Hmm, maybe you should look into cloning her? Or if she has any age appropriate children.

    Allergic to Cats. Who set that date up?

  2. October 25, 2010 5:45 AM

    Amusing what keeps one grooving: I’m fond of bald, Asian dudes, which means technically I should be crushing on HH the Dalai Lama.

    As for the exes, you seem to be working your way through the Lover Stereotypes – and they appear in all genders and persuasions: The Stalker, The Cad, The Social Butterfly. Soon you will arrive at The Muse, The Flirt, The Pushy Nester and eventually, The One! (As you sound non-poly, I s’pose it won’t be The Few) who may appear to you at first in the form of “The Flibbertergibit, The Will-o-the-wisp and The Clown”!

    • October 26, 2010 3:35 AM

      I go for the bald guys too Mitzi

      • October 27, 2010 6:19 AM

        Because we all know *bald* means excess testosterone and I fell for that too, including the hairy back, which is an unfortunate side effect of said testosterone, SO, our friend here maybe needs to look for excess oestregen (ach, American Spelling Estrogen?) AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. Cue uncontrollable weeping, an inability to deal with anything – cats included, easily triggered hurling of furniture and/or sugar bowls – the hills would be alive with the sound of domestic violence. Probably.

        You know, I met this guy and I didn’t feel like I’d been hit by lightning (he did) and I worked out that when I feel like I’ve been hit by lightning it’s a good sign that I’m in a relationship that will probably kill me. I am still with the guy that didn’t hit me with lightning and I love him more each year. Sigh.

  3. October 25, 2010 7:18 AM

    I like bald men in a position of superiority over me. We all have our quirks.

    “Sometimes this blog just writes itself.” That’s freaking hilarious.

  4. October 25, 2010 7:34 AM

    Trust me. You will find your “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” one!!

  5. D mama permalink
    October 25, 2010 8:59 AM

    I will keep urging you to be open to everyone of course! Except those allergic to cats! Yikes! Don’t have a filter for that or something???

  6. October 25, 2010 10:15 AM

    “I was rejecting her as a person. Look how far I’ve come.” Can I get this on a t-shirt?

  7. October 25, 2010 10:18 AM

    1. Asian women are hot. You are silly.

    2. I wrote this for Topaz some years ago, and I will sing (and by sing, I mean type) it for you now.

    Super hyper psycho kitty, pretty and precocious,
    Shedding on the cleanest clothes with furry face and toes-es.
    Save us from the killer sponge because you’re so ferocious!
    Super hyper psycho kitty, pretty and precocious!

    It helps if you know that she had a predilection for attacking the kitchen sponge and dragging its lifeless corpse around the house.

    But the meter speaks for itself, I think.

  8. October 25, 2010 10:21 AM

    Hmmm, interesting. So, what’s your secret? Because I kinda have the exact opposite problem (sorry, I’m plugging my own blog here):


  9. That Girl permalink
    October 25, 2010 11:45 AM

    Wait, you mean I should have opened with my multi-octave vocal range and ability to get children to behave while being magical?

    But you are in a conundrum – Julie Andrews looks very different in those two roles. So perhaps blonds aren’t the only fruit.

  10. October 25, 2010 12:34 PM

    “As you can see, I simply will not accept second best. I won’t rest until I hit rock bottom. ” well…it can only go up from there. And the whole allergic to cats thing…. shouldn’t that have been stated on the dating website? As a previous commenter said… get a filter?? >)

  11. MirtoP permalink
    October 25, 2010 2:32 PM

    “. . . I don’t want my lady fingers anywhere near a bento box” may be the funniest thing I’ve ever read.

    (still holding out for Dennis Quaid, but wouldn’t turn down Daniel Dae Kim)

  12. October 25, 2010 2:36 PM

    Isn’t there a field for likes and dislikes because although I’m not a cat person I am a dog person which is just being a dyslexic cat person and I totally wouldn’t like it if my catdogs weren’t loved too.

  13. October 25, 2010 3:12 PM

    I think I bare an uncanny resemblance to Julie Andrews as Mary Poppins and Mary von Trapp in the personality, cheery, singing, creative department…and also I love cats…but also I’m straight and short and squat and have long hair and non-sapphire eyes. I can’t decide if this is a step up or down from Asian women with sons.

  14. October 25, 2010 3:47 PM

    I’m not saying one day Julie Andrews will be on a racist picket sign alongside Osama and Bert, but you are making the case.

    And then nobody will be yodel eh ih oh.

  15. October 25, 2010 4:06 PM

    I’m not entirely convinced that’s racist. I mean. . .if you’re not attracted to someone, you’re not attracted to them. I’ve never been partial to Asian men OR women. But I’m freakishly tall, and that might have a little something to do with it.

    Also, I have no idea where you live, but I’m pretty sure it’s not NC, which is unfortunate, because I know a Maria look-alike that might just fit the bill.

  16. October 25, 2010 6:10 PM

    “And the third turned out to be a philandering part-time pill popper.”

    First, I love that line.

    Second, I can’t believe the Asians have a tractor beam on you. What is that about now?? I recall when I was doing a while back, many Indian men loved me. Since I don’t like spicy food, I had to let them all down easily, but I couldn’t understand their devotion to me.

    What if you met an Asian woman who sang like Julie Andrews, was willing to full-time pop allergy meds, and only had some ex step-children she didn’t get along with but felt to send birthday gifts to?? Think about it carefully. She could be your dream girl minus the small white girl thing.

  17. October 25, 2010 9:17 PM

    at 48, i simply have a few major expectations for my gentlemen friends. they must be bitter, broken, and thinking their best years are behind them. lookswise? shit, honey, that’s why bedrooms have light switches.

    i like them to be of strong heart, and in good cardiovascular condition, but other than that? no Cap’n VonTrapps in the bunch. Maybe a Cap’n Crunch or two…

  18. October 26, 2010 6:24 AM

    I can live with the Julie Andrews things – it takes all sorts….and
    I can even see a Julie as Victor/Victoria thing but – Mary Poppins has me analyzing you.

  19. October 26, 2010 7:17 AM

    Good luck in your search!

    My boyfriend is allergic to cats. He just takes a Claritin before he comes over to my house, and he’s fine.

    Is there a pill to make you tolerate the 16-year-old son?

  20. October 26, 2010 4:53 PM

    Ok, I am going to let you finish…but, I stopped at the bento box. Seriously, that was the funniest shit ever. Now, I know I say that a lot….I am easily amused and have short term memory loss, so fuck you…but, that shit was hilarious. It helps that I know what a bento box is.
    Also, just because you don’t want to date an asian chick doesn’t make you racist…it is a matter of taste. I think cottage cheese tastes like shit…that doesn’t mean I hate it in a racist way….especially considering it is a food stuff and not a person…Well, this is going badly. Thanks for the post.

  21. October 26, 2010 6:24 PM

    Julie Andrews. Seriously, *Julie Andrews*?

    I’m disappointed that Amy Poehler isn’t your number one. Really disappointed.

    Seriously – JULIE ANDREWS?!

    • October 26, 2010 11:05 PM

      Jo! You’re blonde and British. You’re approximately 50 percent Julie Andrews. I’m practically in love with YOU.

  22. October 26, 2010 8:36 PM

    You’re weird and i like it.
    If I turn gay on okcupid will you date me?
    We can try an over the ocean kinda relationship for now and who knows what will happen in the future to come 😀

    ohh wait!! now I remebered I don’t exactly look like Julie but we’ll figure it out

    btw: my cat is lovely so no problem in that area 🙂

    did I say I love your blog lately?


  23. October 27, 2010 12:43 AM

    “OK, fine. It kind of does. But I think we all can agree it’s totally Julie Andrews’ fault that I don’t want my lady fingers anywhere near a bento box.”

    Thank you for making me laugh despite a very hectic day (job interview, crazy winds and rain, and locking my keys in my car)!

  24. October 27, 2010 10:40 AM

    I could set you up with Tina the Lesbian over in my domain. She’s a blonde and she drinks with a half-cyborg cat. Don’t know about her propensity for Mary Poppins or The Sound of Music though… but she likes Shakira.

  25. October 27, 2010 4:53 PM

    Okay…since reading your post I have seen a local Julie Andrews commercial like 2 million times. That’s just weird…but in a totally AWESOME way!

  26. October 27, 2010 5:06 PM

    Want to get over your thing with blondes? Just watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Then watch that really awful show Nikita and you will totally fall in love with Asian women…sure it will be Asian women with identity issues, violent tendencies, and the inability to have a normal conversation that sound like it’s from a bad romance novel but…you know what, just watch Nikita with the sound off.

  27. October 27, 2010 7:13 PM

    but… they have silky smooth pubic hair (so I hear?)

  28. October 28, 2010 4:09 AM

    On “Stuff White People Like”, we Asian gals are #11, right after Wes Anderson movies. I applaud your not buying into the whole Yellow Fever thing.

    Fair is fair: I don’t like hairy men. On paper my mouth froths over the dark mysterious type, in reality, one look at their chest hair and I throw up in my mouth.

  29. October 29, 2010 2:28 PM

    Any cue why do Asian girls dig you?

    Good Luck with your search! I support your opinion, you have the right to know what you want and get it 🙂

  30. October 30, 2010 4:35 PM

    Excuse me, but I am straight and married and live on this continent and have a crush on you and would totally move to Canada.

    I’m not sure where that leaves us.

    I wouldn’t date someone with a teenager, ever. It’s painful enough to deal with the one I gave birth to – and she’s awesome. It’s those bastardly bastard friends of hers. Grr.

    Back to you: Stick to your Julie Andrews guns.

  31. November 2, 2010 1:55 AM

    I feel your pain on so many levels, just in a mirror-image over in the “straight” dating pool. For one thing, my brother says exactly the same thing, and he refuses to admit to racism. He’s always like, “There’s nothing WRONG with Asian women as PEOPLE; I just can’t help that I find myself completely NOT attracted to them.” As for me, I think I’ve found a guy from pretty much every ethnic background that I’ve ever heard of to be hot at some point. But conversely (or inversely?), Asian men NEVER, EVER like me. I can’t think of any that have shown even friendly or even a short, passing interest in me, like not even a double-take on the street or something. So I sense they feel about pale-face, round-eye ME the way my bro feels about them (well, the female them). And there’s no point to this, really, I’m just, like, totally relating to your dilemma.

  32. November 7, 2010 12:02 AM

    maybe change your profile to say you’re asian to see if you get some julie andrew-esce hits?

    for the record, all of the dudes i dated had to win over my dogs. also, anyone allergic to cats deserves to have a live-in 16 year old kid.

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