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Oh, Canada

October 28, 2010

A girl named Lindsay left a super-sweet comment on my blog a while back announcing, “It’s official: I have a cyber crush! I’m not sure why you’re single!”

I usually don’t take comments like that seriously, because more often than not they’re written by very straight married moms who reside on other continents. You know who you are. Unless they’re left by lesbians who look like the love child of Julie Andrews and Ellen DeGeneres. If such a miracle of science were possible. Those I take very seriously.

Sifting through comments last week, I traced Lindsay’s trail back to her web site, clicked on the “About” page and an absolutely adorable photo of a blond-haired, blue-eyed beauty appeared on my screen. I immediately fired off an email to her, and now we’re in love pen pals.

The Olympic-sized torch I carry for Julie Andrews is pretty well documented here, here and a little bit here. (Question: How excited am I that Oprah’s reuniting the cast of “The Sound of Music” to celebrate its 45th anniversary today on her show? Answer: Eeeeeee!) And earlier this year, I accused Ellen DeGeneres of being a vampire because she keeps getting younger and hotter. Now I have my very own girlfriend pen pal who looks like a combination of them both. I’ve taken the liberty of nicknaming Lindsay as if she were an all-in-one celebrity couple in the esteemed tradition of Bennifer and Brangelina: DeGendrews.

I didn't want to violate DeGendrews' privacy by posting her photo, so I photoshopped Isabel's head over her face. Then I became concerned that Teva would be jealous. Now I find DeGendrews even more attractive than ever before. Also, I lied. I want to violate her privacy. All night long. Like the Lionel Richie song.

DeGendrews just recently started dating a girl whom she met in kickboxing class who is so fit that she apparently doesn’t break a sweat while vigorously exercising. I don’t trust people who don’t perspire. It can’t be healthy to hold everything in like that. She’s obviously hiding something. Also, I keep asking myself: What does a kickboxer have that I don’t? A hot body. Six-pack abs. The ability to swoop in wearing a sports bra and short-shorts with the word “BITCH” slapped across the ass, strut her buff physique and bravado, fight off thugs in a dark alley and rescue DeGendrews in case of emergency. I guess that’s fine if you like that sort of thing.

Even if it weren’t for the kickboxer who is possibly experiencing phantom pains in sensitive spots on account of the voodoo doll I may or may not have in my possession and be repeatedly kicking in the box, DeGendrews lives in Toronto. All this time I thought America was coming between me and sex, but now I’m convinced there’s clearly an international conspiracy to keep me chaste.

I’ve been trying to twist the arm of my manfriend MirtoP so he’ll accompany me on a trek from Boston across the border. The only way I seemed to gain ground on this campaign was by promising that I’d ask DeGendrews to find him a male companion while we’re in town. “Must resemble Dennis Quaid – but will settle for ‘old’ Matt Damon type,” he texted. Then a few minutes later, another text: “Mennis Quaimon!” Because apparently he and I are only attracted to people who look like combinations of other people. It’s so nice to be understood.

Amid a flurry of correspondence in which we extolled the virtues of Scrabble, crossword puzzles and merkins, I accidentally emailed DeGendrews from my personal account. Now she knows my full name. Which I suppose she would have found out eventually when we get married. We were exchanging flirty messages last night, but at some point we stopped talking dirty and started gabbing about Asians and our moms and kittens. We really suck at cyber sex.

I’ve also learned that my life partner pen pal is American but moved to Canada 10 years ago for a lady she fell in love with on the interweb.

I’m thinking about taking up kickboxing.

41 Comments leave one →
  1. October 28, 2010 4:00 AM

    “You are absolutely adorably insane and insanely adorable. I’m not sure why you’re single!” Sincerely, one of the married moms, who actually happens to be Asian (so it is utterly your fault that there is no hope between us… just sayin…)

    Three words m’lady: Take back Canada!

  2. October 28, 2010 4:39 AM

    I don’t trust people who don’t perspire.

    I was once informed by a close female friend that only guys sweat. Girls don’t sweat. They glow.

    • October 28, 2010 11:31 AM

      I love that! Also, it’s true. I don’t really sweat. I’m a lady like that.

      • October 28, 2010 12:14 PM

        Hmmmm. So, if you put what Jessica said together with what my friend said, does that mean all women are therefore untrustworthy? 😉

        Oh, hey, Jessica… by the way, cats don’t perspire, either.

        Wait, maybe that explains a lot….

      • November 6, 2010 11:04 AM

        OR it means that every woman is different.

  3. October 28, 2010 4:49 AM

    Hey! I am so NOT married!

  4. October 28, 2010 6:45 AM

    OK, I’m married and live in the U.S., and although I love your blog, I might cheat on my husband for a chick that looks like the love child of Ellen and Julie. Because? HOT. (And also possibly fabulously wealthy because of her famous parents? Shit. I think I just channeled Anne Heche.)

    It’s like Scarlett Johanssen. She’s so hot, she could be a guy.

  5. October 28, 2010 7:28 AM

    I have been thinking of you for a week everytime I watched Oprah and she showed the promos for today’s show!

    BTW Toronto is an insanely fabulous city….start packing your bags!

    “Degendrew” loved it!

  6. October 28, 2010 7:36 AM

    i’m single and predominantly straight, but you’re not NEARLY bitter enough for me to chase you down and have my way with you…. but you’re awful cute!

  7. October 28, 2010 8:11 AM

    A blog post about me?! I’m all swoony mcswoonerson again! That’s right ladies, DeGendrews here. Back off (Asians)!

  8. October 28, 2010 8:23 AM

    Take up Tai Chi – it is still a martial art but easier on the joints.

  9. jessicainthenow permalink
    October 28, 2010 9:05 AM

    i love your blog so much. thank you for this post. it made me SO HAPPY. Glad to hear you have a new lover…i mean pen pal

  10. October 28, 2010 9:30 AM

    I don’t trust people who don’t perspire either. Expect I wish I was one of them. To never sweat, er, glisten: that is my dream.

  11. October 28, 2010 11:32 AM

    I’m not married either! And if you were a boy or if I were a lesbian (or at least still in my bi-curious phase) I would totally have a crush on you! Hm, maybe I do. But if you’re not good at talking dirty then we might have a problem…

  12. October 28, 2010 11:42 AM

    Accident my ass! 😉 I’m liking where this is going…..

  13. October 28, 2010 12:06 PM

    Wait… are you saying that just because I’m straight that our love isn’t real?

    Are you?

    (Gentle weeping)

  14. October 28, 2010 12:25 PM

    I really want to comment on the important stuff of the blog but then you reminded me about Oprah getting the Von Trapp family together again and now all I can think is SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE which isn’t particularly poetic or insightful but pretty much aptly sums up my feelings on the matter so…I don’t know. I win?

    Good luck with Canada. (<–lamest thing anyone has ever said.)

  15. October 28, 2010 1:28 PM

    I like you, dude, but not like that. I do appreciate the level of delusion you bring to the table, though.

  16. BeneathTheSpinLight permalink
    October 28, 2010 1:31 PM

    I think you should go to Canada. If you travel from Boston to Canada to visit her, she’ll have to let you get to at least second base. Anything less would be rude.

    If nothing else, at least you broke your streak with the Asians.

    And I’m loving your increase in posts over the past two weeks. Keep it up. 🙂

  17. October 28, 2010 2:55 PM

    I seriously think Canada is where all the cool people hang out now. Even the bands coming out of Canada are better! I want to move there >.<

    Do yoga—I did kickboxing once and almost blacked out haha. Never again…

  18. October 28, 2010 3:03 PM

    I had never considered the idea that Dennis quaid could be attractive to gay guys, but I suppose so, he’s got such a lovely nose and that wispy hair and funny toothy mouth.

    The emailing from your personal account is such a classic slip up but possibly Freudian. In fact you meant to do it, deep down…

    I just googled Dennis Quaid to check his face and Ive found out that his brother and brothers wife are in jail in Canada, after having asked for asylum “for fear of being murdered in the United States by “Hollywood Star Whackers.””


    and I like this touch-a border control officer says

    Ms. Manzoor noted the couple are scheduled to appear at a hearing on Thursday afternoon.And she also had a point to make about the fate of the couple’s dog.

    During Friday’s hearing, Ms. Quaid had worried aloud about the fate of a puppy travelling with them.

    Ms. Manzoor noted that, in line with border-agency procedures, any pets accompanying detained persons would be placed in the care “of an appropriate animal shelter.”

    An official at the City of Vancouver animal shelter confirmed that Vancouver police brought the Quaids’ dog to the shelter after the couple’s arrest on Friday, but declined to release any further information.”


  19. October 29, 2010 7:56 AM

    I’m married and straight but I still love this blog, and I totally get your infatuation with Julie Andrews, she has been my hero for decades and Mary Poppins is probably one of my all time favorite movies.

    Good luck with Canada. . . everybody deserves love.

  20. October 29, 2010 3:00 PM

    ok…this is for your own good.

    • December 22, 2010 10:31 AM

      scary mary is impressive, but I still love Julie Andrews.

  21. October 29, 2010 4:14 PM

    I sweat. Buckets. Does this mean I’m a man?

    • December 22, 2010 10:33 AM

      It probably means you have too much liquid in your diet, or it could mean you’re a man. Have you looked lately?

  22. October 29, 2010 9:06 PM

    they just did a sing-a-long version of The Sound of Music here in Northampton!
    i like your new gal. you kick ass, the kickboxer must die.

  23. October 30, 2010 6:12 AM

    I kind of feel like you’re cheating on me right now.

    Even though I’m still straight and you’ve never seen my face.

  24. October 30, 2010 4:49 PM

    Time to get your Billy Blanks Tae-Bo on in the name of love, beyotch!!

    I can’t believe you’re having a cyber web interweb super highway romance. I’m jealous.

    By the way, “I don’t trust people who don’t perspire.” Hi-lay. I can’t agree more.

  25. MirtoP permalink
    October 31, 2010 12:23 PM

    Well, Justin Bateman could work, too – hah!

    • MirtoP permalink
      October 31, 2010 1:32 PM

      Yikes, that’s *Jason* Bateman, hah on me!!

  26. October 31, 2010 7:03 PM

    Man. I don’t know if I’m more jealous of this Canadian chick or of the fact that so many people love you. I thought our love was true. But I’m just in line. And at the end of it.
    Life is hard.
    I’m depressed.

  27. November 1, 2010 11:11 PM

    If I begin by saying I love your cats and think your hilarious- would that up my chances of a long distance flirtatious emailing session? No? Damn Canadians get everything.

  28. November 2, 2010 10:03 AM

    I have a huge cyber-crush on you and I’m single and I live in America just like about half of the commenters above. Oh, internet, why can’t you be more like real life?

  29. GrandeMocha permalink
    November 2, 2010 1:07 PM

    Where do I get the shorts with Bitch on the butt???? I may have to take up kick boxing again just to get those!

  30. November 3, 2010 6:38 PM

    i hear kickboxing is a great stress reliever. not that you need one. ’cause you’re not stressed. right?

  31. November 4, 2010 4:42 PM

    holly and i have agreed that if (man i can barely get myself to say it)…if sarah palin somehow…oh dammit, i can’t. if she *you know*, we’re moving to canada. health care and same-sex marriage. two things we’re in need of. you can totally stay at our place when you visit your “pen pal.” 😉

  32. November 6, 2010 11:53 PM

    sex-boxing, eh?

  33. khickey11 permalink
    November 13, 2010 12:49 PM

    I finally caught up on reading your blog. I have to read it cuz it makes me smile, and the comments do too! Been a little busy. Was in Thailand all week on business. Yes, but … I WAS with a couple Canadians. They were men, but still Canadians, and I very much enjoyed their company. Which makes me think you will get your ass quickly to Canada for a visit with DeGendrews if you know what’s good for you. And if I know a pickup line, she was dead serious about that cyber crush from the very beginning! I bet you could both fit snugly on a futon and not bicker even after you make the “I’m not dead” phone call. You go, girls!

  34. November 21, 2010 6:51 PM

    despite how much i want you to have love in, like, non-twitter-wifey form TOO, am abhorrently jealous. oh, the travails of the twitter love. weep.


  1. “Oh, the places you’ll go,” Mom told me. If she only knew… |

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