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But she does have a pet fish

November 8, 2010

I’ve given up on OkCupid.

Online dating has totally lost its appeal. Except it never really had any appeal to begin with. Because I hate people dating.

I’ve stopped logging in daily. Stopped checking my messages. Stopped poring over profiles in search of sexy Julie Andrews look-alikes who make my hills alive with the sound of music.

Plus, I’m pretty sure Julie Andrews isn’t even on OkCupid. She’s more of an eHarmony kind of gal.

But OkCupid hasn’t given up on me.

I’m the lucky recipient of this charming note:

she sounds hot

You’re probably wondering whether I’ll respond.

Of course I’ll respond.

As soon as I find the appropriate sorry-your-grandparents-and-father-are-dead-and-you’re-pushing-30-and-still-live-at-home-and-also-I-dislike-your-hobbies-and-bad-spellers-an-misplaced-modifiers-which-I’d-be-willing-to-overlook-if-you-even-remotely-resembled-my-celebrity-crush-but-I-can’t-tell-because-your-photo-is-sideways-and-that’s-probably-an-analogy-for-your-life ecard. usually has a really good selection.


43 Comments leave one →
  1. November 8, 2010 3:08 PM

    Wow, she sounds like she really could use a friend. A little scary tho!

  2. November 8, 2010 3:09 PM

    Awesome. If things don’t work out between the two of you, can I have her?

  3. November 8, 2010 3:12 PM

    Riiiiight… if those are the kind of notes you get when using e-dating sites then I can understand that you want to skip it. I mean…who writes such a message and even remotely expects a normal response? Have a funny feeling Julie Andrews knows how to spell…

  4. November 8, 2010 3:15 PM

    Holy Crap! I don’t even know what to say to that. And I thought all those emails I get from Russian hookers were a bit personal, although quite good for my ego. Not sure how they got my adhocmom email address though, perhaps I wrote it on the wall of a Russian brothel when I was drunk? Anyway, back to you…I would run, far, far away. First the stalker, then the tweeker, and now this. Have you thought of becoming a Jewish nun? That totally exists, right?

  5. November 8, 2010 3:21 PM

    But what about Teevs and Isabels??? They’re gonna be SO disappointed that they’ll never get to eat… er, meet the pet fish.

  6. November 8, 2010 3:58 PM

    my favorites:

    “but enough” and “bye ttyl”

    i’m going to add a “wtf.”

  7. November 8, 2010 4:11 PM

    Run far, run fast, don’t turn around and never look back. The devil is on your tail and apparently doesn’t know how to spell.

    ttyl, bye!!

  8. November 8, 2010 4:13 PM

    “i live with my mom and brother and sister (they’re younger than me)” That’s so cool…I too am younger than my children.

  9. November 8, 2010 4:23 PM

    OMG you had me dying laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. Danna permalink
    November 8, 2010 4:27 PM

    Is that a joke? Did you invent that to illustrate how you feel about your OkCupid prospects? Or maybe it’s one of those times when real life is weirder than fiction.

    That is too much. I feel bad for her, but worse for you. Don’t give up online dating altogether. Just think about how much it’s given you to write about!

  11. That Girl permalink
    November 8, 2010 7:34 PM

    I think you win for weird online dating interactions. I seem to get a lot of straight women trolling my profile… Perhaps they are looking to be recruited?

    Will report back.

    But also – isn’t swimming considered exercise? Was she just fluffing out her resume?

  12. November 8, 2010 7:53 PM

    This made my soul bleed. FOR REAL

  13. Anna permalink
    November 8, 2010 8:04 PM

    So sad okcupid has let another lonely lady down tonight. Maybe okcupid is only for desperate asians and you just never received the memo.

  14. November 8, 2010 10:02 PM

    Dating sucks. There’s really no other way to say it. All I can tell you is that I did it and I’m very happy now. Oh, my husband is okay but I’m FUCKING ECSTATIC that I dont have to date any more.
    You’ll get there chica. Perhaps not with Dawn, but you’ll get there.

  15. November 8, 2010 10:33 PM

    geez. you ARE getting really fussy…

  16. November 9, 2010 12:32 AM

    flashbacks to my stint in online dating!

    dude, online dating sucks hairy monkey ass.

  17. November 9, 2010 3:32 AM

    Think about it: Her MOTHER IS YOUNGER THAN SHE IS. So you can always go for the mom. Plus, she has a pet fish but also lists “fishing” as a hobby! Think about it, you’ll never ever have to buy Teva and Isabel another tin of Starkist ever again! (Because she’s clearly not TOO sentimental about the fish.)

    Dawn… she’s so bright!

    Please, for our ‘sakes… strike up a correspondence! And publish all the letters.

  18. November 9, 2010 4:41 AM

    Oh. No! makes me wanna…tty…so..bad..about this cuz… i been to lots of funerals…and…i seen so many dead folkz….but enough….

    But enough!

  19. November 9, 2010 4:51 AM

    Hi.. I’m… Jo… I have one Grandmaparent what is alive… I don’t have any pets… not even a fish.. I like sitting around… complaining… eating… and… sleeping… I think u and i cud rely makke it… lol… ttfn

  20. November 9, 2010 7:56 AM

    She has a pet fish and she goes fishing?

    I have a pet cat, but I don’t go cat hunting. She’s probably seriously disturbed. (The crazy ones are good in bed.)

    • December 19, 2010 2:15 AM

      to Sarah P
      November 9, 2010

      She has a pet fish and she goes fishing?
      I think that’s OK as long as the two fish have never been introduced.

      (The crazy ones are good in bed.
      Just make sure that she is not packing a pistol or carrying a knife.

  21. November 9, 2010 11:22 AM

    Uhhhh…that’s all I got.

  22. November 9, 2010 11:38 AM

    I bet has something appropriate.

    Any site that has a selection that includes, “Glad you didn’t get chlamydia” as an option clearly plans for every possible greeting card situation.

  23. November 9, 2010 1:40 PM

    You know what really makes or fucking breaks my attraction to someone and my willingness to a pursue a relationship with someone? Their grandparents status and how they get along — I don’t have time for a someone who doesn’t freaking know when Grandparents Day is, for goodness sake, or someone who only calls on major holidays and birthdays — we are talking about our future grandchildren and THEIR concept of grandparents here. That’s why I ALWAYS zero in on my likes/dislikes of their grandparent status and relationship FIRST THING. Never mind religion, politics, hobbies, sordid relationship past, no, no, those things CAN WAIT. Grandparents are the deal breaker here. I don’t want to be dating someone for a couple months and then have to have an awkward, heart rending break up when I discover they are estranged from their maternal grandmother due to an awkward hair cutting decision in childhood. THAT SHIT DON’T FLY WITH ME.

    Well played, Dawn, well played indeed.

  24. November 9, 2010 2:08 PM

    good lord. that’s the worst pick-up line i’ve ever read.

  25. November 9, 2010 3:49 PM

    Geez, how do you expect to find love if your standards are so high?

    By the way, if you convert Dawn’s (if that is her real name) message to ASCII in binary, remove every other bit and re-assemble the result into text, you’ll see she is really writing the first stanzas of “Maria.”

    In other words, she’s just being extremely clever (and a tad obscure).

    But seriously, for what it’s worth, I met my wife on Of course, I’m not gay or a woman, so I guess that’s completely irrelevant. Sorry.

  26. November 9, 2010 5:42 PM

    Come on. iPhone is a pain to type in esp. when you have fat fingers. (I mean, I learned this from my friend…) I am not saying that she has fat fingers though… unless fat fingers is a turnoff for you than maybe you don’t want to run the risk. btw, I think your comment section may prove to be a better match-making site than OkCupid. You should consider turning this into a profit-making scheme…

  27. November 9, 2010 6:26 PM

    I took the liberty of making you a card… in case you need it…

  28. November 9, 2010 7:02 PM

    Praise Jebus and Dr. Cynicism for introducing me to your blog. Cannot wait to read more!

    My bestie looks a lot like Ellen but she’s only a lesbian when she’s drunk and her hubby isn’t watching and I force myself on her.

  29. November 9, 2010 8:54 PM

    Did I just dream the whole DeGendrews thing? Did I miss a post? The Journalist and The Reiki Master, that was going to be so fun to watch. Oh well.

    • November 10, 2010 12:35 AM

      Sometimes I think I’m dreaming the DeGendrews thing. 🙂

      I can’t believe I just used an emoticon.

  30. November 11, 2010 2:08 AM

    I just really love you and your dating life.

    I’m worried about Dawn, and I’ve submitted her name to the people at 48 Hours Mystery and Dateline – it seems many of her “relatives” have turned up dead. Something smells fishy.

  31. November 11, 2010 3:45 AM

    So many useful suggestions, and I can add to them. Date bloggers, which is a good compromise between online dating and chatting up people in dingy bars-dating.

    Ahh, I have my own fond yet twisted memories of OK-C.

  32. November 11, 2010 12:10 PM

    This is so educational. I vow to protect Jim’s health assiduously so that he will live to a ripe old age and I will never have to date again. Cyber dating doesn’t seem to be any better than the old fashioned go-to-the-bar (or wherever) and-try-to meet-kindred-spirits kind. Sometimes I wonder how I ever got together with anyone ever.

  33. November 11, 2010 1:25 PM

    And WOW! just doesn’t seem enough. I think you may have stumbled into a new business venture though. Well done you! When you do could you make a card that’s sorry I broke you’re heart and stole your money and took the dog and the pick-up truck but I still kind of love you. I know someone who is looking for such a card. Thanks.

  34. Carolspy permalink
    November 12, 2010 2:09 AM

    It’s funny, because the only red flag I found in that girl’s message was that she likes hiking…

  35. November 12, 2010 10:01 AM

    Oh Jessica – why do you get all the luck with the ladies?

    It’s not fair, you should leave some for the rest of us!

  36. November 14, 2010 4:49 PM

    This is too funny! Was this your first email from her!?

    xo Susie

    ps Good call on passing this one up! Even if she has a fish…

  37. November 21, 2010 6:59 PM

    I have a friend who has had success on okcupid. Apparently the only place it works is in Philly.

    I mean. Not that Dawn doesn’t sound like a complete catch. You could meet her mom right away and go fishing for her fish. And you already know not to ask her grandparents for help.

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