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This is sorely lacking a photo of my cats wearing Santa hats

December 10, 2010

As Christmas fast approaches, you’re probably wondering what to buy for the finicky feline in your life. I’m here to help.

After moving into a new apartment a few years ago, I set out to make Teva and Isabel feel at home but made the terrible mistake of buying them a cat bed. I stupidly thought they might – oh, I don’t know – go near it. A paper towel falls to the floor? They’ll fight over who gets to lounge on it. Leave a white sweater atop the dresser? It’ll soon sport a gray sheen. But spend $40 on a plush, pillowy pad that matches the pale-green color of my Prius so we all can be tripletsies? They were as disappointed as the time I picked out a black wallpaper border with brightly colored musical notes for my childhood bedroom only to come home from junior high to find my mom had vetoed my choice and opted for nursing home-worthy pastel carousel horses instead. Yes, Mom, I’m *still* upset.

And so the cat bed sits empty.

No matter how enticing I make it seem with my old T-shirts …

… and their favorite toys …

… and a trilogy of timeless Julie Andrews films.

And yet, I recently scoured Boston and the interweb in search of an ass pillow to use at work after I somehow inexplicably bruised my tailbone because apparently my ass like the rest of me is so lazy that it can no longer be relied on for basic tasks such a sitting. I was thrown by the name on the label – “Carex Foam Invalid Ring” – and was all, Huh. If it’s invalid, why would I buy it? I need a valid ring. Who do you have to fuck around here to get a little validation? Then I realized it’s not in-val-id; it’s in-vuh-lid. I swallowed two bitter pills that day: suffering humiliation thanks to a homonym and being 30 years old and already needing to shop for something marketed to invalids. This is probably what Centrum Silver tastes like.

After weathering that shame as well as relentless ridicule and possible sexual harassment at the hands of my co-workers, the cushion doesn’t even offer any relief because the doughnut hole in the middle isn’t wide enough to accommodate my more than ample backside, which I’m pretty sure means the ass pillow called me fat. Insult to injury.

It didn’t call Teva and Isabel fat, though. Or Teva and Isabel know their worth comes from their minds and hearts, not their bodies. Or Teva and Isabel haven’t been swayed by an image-obsessed media that constantly bombard us with photos of picture-perfect models. Or Teva and Isabel are cats. I’m not sold on that last one.

My girls wasted no time claiming the ass pillow as theirs. It looks and feels and is shaped a lot like the cat bed that they refuse to use, but it’s obviously oh. so. different. It can be yours for the low, low price of $10 (not including shipping and handling).

What’s that, you say? The economy is in the crapper and $10 is too much to spend on your beloved Dame Judi Dench this year? I hear you, savvy shopper. Chances are there’s an inexpensive cat toy already in your bathroom. Chances are greatly improved if you’re a woman. Who hasn’t hit menopause yet. And risks toxic shock syndrome every month.

From the time Teva was a kitten, she would ransack my purses and raid the cabinets on a hunt for … tampons. Her eyes twinkle every time she sees me reach from the porcelain throne for a feminine product. I don’t share her joy. If the refrigerator ever goes on the fritz, beneath and behind it the landlord will find a dusty graveyard of applicators and cotton chunks riddled with bite marks. I can only imagine the conclusions he’ll jump to.

But Teva’s totally on to something. Tampons are, in essence, the perfect cat toy.

They crinkle and tear …

… roll and bounce …

… shred and unravel …

… and even have a little string on the end.

I’ve often thought about repackaging Tampax in cutesy wrappers, creating a logo, slogan and punny name and making a killing by reselling them in packs of three to yuppies at upscale pet boutiques.

Meh. Seems like a lot of work. I don’t have that kind of time. I’m very busy and important.

Forget the feather wands and cat beds. Fake mice and catnip are so passe. Get creative, you guys. It’s all about ass pillows and tampons.

This holiday season, think outside the box.

67 Comments leave one →
  1. December 10, 2010 6:07 AM

    haha, love the campon idea. For your other pussy.

    maybe keep your ass cushion in the Cat bed? It;s a thought.

    Hilarious post as always!

  2. December 10, 2010 6:17 AM

    Maybe you could sit on the cat bed?

    • December 10, 2010 8:56 AM

      I was thinking the same thing.

    • December 10, 2010 2:43 PM

      this morning there was this great comment from you about Mister Me hiding bodies and now its gone. Why? WHY??

    • December 12, 2010 5:43 AM

      Another vote from me on this idea!

      • December 13, 2010 10:40 AM

        Yep, that was what I thought for sure was going to be the denouement of the whole situation.

        I love the tampon as cat toys idea! I wonder what it is about bathroom stuff that is so fascinating. I mean, NOTHING is better than toilet paper to play with. cotton balls are fun, you can spend a pleasant hour removing all the items from the towel bars. . . and now, feminine hygiene products! What will those wondrous humans think of next?

  3. December 10, 2010 7:48 AM

    I’m so traumatized right now I might have to switch to the cup. Bloody mess be dammed.

  4. December 10, 2010 7:56 AM

    I fell for it, too — Calpurnia Jean liks to hide in/under things, so I bought her one of those little cat huts… in which she refuses to sit. I EVEN MADE UP A SONG ABOUT IT TO SING TO HER. No response, unless you count her constant condescension and pity.

  5. December 10, 2010 8:22 AM

    this is pretty brilliant. you need to start a podcast… but first, you’re gonna have to reclaim the ass pillow. i’d let them keep the tampon…

  6. December 10, 2010 8:23 AM

    Shaking with laugher… check. Loving the crampons idea… check. Having cats that ignore cat bed… check.

    Loved the post! Made my lunchbreak!

  7. December 10, 2010 8:34 AM

    Hee hee. My cats always loved those too. Now my kids do. Ugh.

  8. December 10, 2010 8:59 AM

    What is it with cats not liking anything specifically made for them?
    Esme is the same way. She won’t even go near that emery cat scratching board, which means I have to cut her claws. Which she hates.

    “I’m pretty sure means the ass pillow called me fat.” Every day I interpret something as calling me fat.

  9. December 10, 2010 9:06 AM

    as others said “BRILLIANT!” I am STILL laughing!

  10. jessicainthenow permalink
    December 10, 2010 9:21 AM

    this post is laugh out loud funny….I’m camped out on the couch sick and pathetic today and I’m STILL laughing. 🙂 Thanks for this!

  11. December 10, 2010 9:40 AM

    I love your writing. Thanks for the laugh.

  12. Laura permalink
    December 10, 2010 9:41 AM

    Lol! I almost just spit out my breakfast sandwich.

  13. December 10, 2010 11:22 AM

    “For your other pussy” just made me spray Earl Grey all over my child while laughing.

    Well done!

  14. December 10, 2010 11:41 AM

    Oh man…

    Nimbus is also tampon obsessed. But…not fresh, sanitary, right-out-of-the-box kind. He’d probably not be properly appreciative of the campons.

    Oh no.

    No specifics will be given.

    I will just say that:

    1. That’s the reason all our bathroom trash cabinets have child-safety locks.


    2. The episode where Nimbus ended up in the kitty emergency room happened after a particularly thorough day of bathroom dumpster diving.

    We told them that he’d eaten trash.

    We did NOT tell them what trash he’d eaten.

    Then we got the locks.

  15. December 10, 2010 12:28 PM

    I was just thinking about you yesterday – and wondering what you were up to. Sitting home playing with Tampons was not really what I was hoping for.
    Happy Hannukah!

    • That Girl permalink
      December 10, 2010 3:34 PM

      Kit wins the comments on this piece!

  16. December 10, 2010 12:46 PM

    LOVE these ideas!! I have 3 picking ass cats in this house. Youre so right.. they hate it if you buy it, but damned if they wont go crazy about stupid things. Like the little rings around the milk caps. I dont know how the hell they get a hold of them.. but they do. Last weekend when I moved my couch to clean under it, there was 12 of those suckers under there.
    Gotta love the kitties.

  17. December 10, 2010 1:07 PM

    Bra.VA. Wow. This is so fleffin funny. And that last shot, with its romantic lighting, is a cat nativity scene waiting to happen. Or an advent wreath around the pillow? Wait, or are you Jewish? Ms. Alonewith Katz?

    The Julie Andrews trilogy got me, I have to say.

    • December 10, 2010 6:40 PM

      I am Jewish. And now I desperately want to get married. But only to someone with the last name Katz.

      • December 11, 2010 3:34 AM

        I know someone with a the last name of Katz. Only problem is he’s already married to Miss Death. If you ever come on down to sydney I’ll take you to one of their movie nights

      • December 12, 2010 1:32 AM

        I have cousins on my Dad’s side called Katz. I’m not religious but I don’t eat bacon! Name the day.

  18. December 10, 2010 1:08 PM

    OMG. I am dying. That’s hilarious about the Campons thing! Hilarious. Would love it if you would submit it as a best cat toy on my blog – – you can just enter it in the “click here to share your cat’s story”. In the mean time, I am posting this blog post on my Facebook. Hilarious.

  19. December 10, 2010 1:25 PM


  20. December 10, 2010 1:26 PM

    Apparently this “shun the uber expensive cat bed my loving owner bought me” phenonenom is sweeping the cat nation. Mr. Big peed on the one I bought.

    If that’s not a statement in defiance, I don’t know what is.

  21. December 10, 2010 1:29 PM

    Maybe you should put campons in the bed to make it more enticing? You could tie them around the edges. Just a thought.

    Bonus: Instant conversation starter when guests come by.

  22. MirtoP permalink
    December 10, 2010 2:06 PM

    Laughing so hard I can barely type. But reminds of the time many years ago when I moved and found literally dozens of pens my cat had apparently been knocking off tables and hoarding in impossibly tight spots under a couple of bookcases for years. Also a small calculator (!) I’d long thought lost.

    • December 12, 2010 1:39 AM

      Your box of Campons is really well designed. Very eye-catching. Supermarket stockists would need to decide whether the product belongs in the Sanitary and Health aisle or Pet Amusements aisle.

  23. December 10, 2010 2:44 PM

    Maya loves tampons. She also loves the smell of feet and to stare, unblinking, while I shower… so I just assumed she was a perv.

  24. The Bad Lady permalink
    December 10, 2010 3:04 PM

    Jess, you outdid yourself on this one. I’d completely forgotten about Teva’s obsession with tampons. I’d recommend OBs (they don’t have an applicator and they’re wrapped in plastic), but I’d hate to take away her fun.

  25. That Girl permalink
    December 10, 2010 3:36 PM

    I would also vote for you sitting in the cat bed. Secretly, I assumed all cat ladies did anyways. An ample ass deserves ample cushioning.

  26. December 10, 2010 4:09 PM

    Those pictures are PRICELESS. I especially pink puffy heart the one where she’s sticking her tongue out. Um, yeah. That’s what you GET for chewing on a tampon, my dear. 🙂

    I say leave them with the ass pillow and use the cat bed to cushion your beautiful booty.

  27. December 10, 2010 4:50 PM

    OH, your hipster cats, they don’t have time for anything MAINSTREAM like Made for Cat beds, they need to find SOMETHING DIFFERENT to express their inner cool cattiness.

  28. Foreigner permalink
    December 10, 2010 6:03 PM

    OMG!! Tampons for your other pussy¿? That’s rich!!! hahahahaaaaaaaaaa

    Merry Christmas to you and your adorable cats!!

    btw: cats love how we smell, mine stucks his nose in my armpit and falls asleep like a baby 🙂

  29. December 10, 2010 6:05 PM

    you outdid yourself on this one. not that the cats appreciate it. but we do.

  30. December 10, 2010 8:08 PM

    I knew Tampons had to have a *real* use. They can’t just be for plugging your faff once a month.

  31. December 10, 2010 8:29 PM

    I laughed so hard in my silent office that my boss shushed me.

  32. Melanie permalink
    December 10, 2010 11:40 PM

    You need an ass pillow. Heehee.

  33. December 11, 2010 12:29 AM

    BAHA! I so feel you. I know. I know.

    the sadness for me is: Jeté loves the fancy cat beds. she had one that my ex bought her for Christmas in like 2005. she didn’t leave that bed for a week. but Hobbes pees on them. so no more cat beds.

    wonder if they’d like the ass pillow?

    and they don’t like my tampons but they love erasers. I find those damn things everywhere.

    OH! and you know how you buy the cat a damn cat tree and they’d rather play in a box? I am a genius. I got carpet scraps and glued them to a box. they love it. best cat toy ever. I rule.

  34. December 11, 2010 11:46 AM

    Is genius! And you’ve given me the idea to sell all my dirty underpants as dog chews. Would save me hiding them in the bottom of the trash so the housekeeper won’t find them and wonder why every single pair appears to have had the crotch eaten out of them by a werewolf. She already thinks penis Ken goes with my vibrators.

  35. redg_rl permalink
    December 11, 2010 11:25 PM

    hilarious.. plus extra kitty pictures? not just cute kitty pictures but the ones in which they are playing with all of kitty-doms favourite non-toy? yr pussies certainly love tampons. & yr pussy giving everyone some tongue? priceless.

    have you put the ass pillow in the cat bed yet? yr brilliant so you’ve probably already tried that but (no pun intended of course, it isn’t spelled rt!), saba was not interested in his cat bed until it was placed a-top two crinkle sacks. now he happily curls upon his throne of cat stuff after the bed lay empty for ages. piles of things are somehow.. enticing?

    i’m also related to some katz’s. none of them have any cats.

  36. December 11, 2010 11:26 PM

    I like a story that make me laugh out loud. Marks for yours, A plus.

  37. December 12, 2010 5:46 AM

    Cats are indeed like children (i,e, human kids). By that I mean my kids when younger showed much more interest in the boxes than the toys purchased for them. This is analogous, right? I am not suggesting any interest in tampons exhibited by my boys. Ever.

  38. December 12, 2010 6:47 AM

    yeah, my cats go apeshit over rubber bands, but the scratching post, with attached toy? is evidently for ignoring. cats are special. veerrrryy special.

  39. December 12, 2010 9:57 PM

    I cannot stress enough the leap of joy I get when I see that you have a new post up. And then I read something like this and have to go lay [lie? eh, fuck it] down because of the sheer brilliance and hilarity spewing from you.

    One of our cats has ignored almost all cat beds and opted for the several hundred dollar ottoman instead. And then pushes up against your feet when you dare to use it. Pushes and pushes and pushes until your feet fall off. Because they are not worthy, evidently.


  40. December 12, 2010 11:51 PM

    To cats, tampons are just fuzzy mice hiding in individually-wrapped telescopes.

  41. December 13, 2010 12:49 AM

    I’m not buying this ‘inexplicable’ bruising of the ass bone. What happened, fellow sister of monthly Toxic Shock Syndrome Risk?

    Also, I’m really loving your layout and advertising copy. I think we should work together some day.

    Also, I’m thinking tampons work better for cats since I really find they don’t work so well in humans. Let’s get on this Campons idea. I just read today that the guy who invented ‘Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego’ is still a millionaire. One invention is all it takes.

  42. December 13, 2010 4:15 AM

    No more than fifteen minutes ago I wrestled a tampon from my roommate’s dog’s mouth. I couldn’t help but laugh at this. Tampon-eating animals are the bane of my existence.

  43. December 13, 2010 1:42 PM

    “This is probably what Centrum Silver tastes like” lololol. And love the Campon idea (my cats like tampons too, but my one cat Bobo prefers liners/sanitary pads. One day I woke up and thought that there was snow on my bedroom carpet only to discover that she had just shredded up a ton of pads).

    Since those ass-pillows (or whatever the proper term for them is…I’m too lazy to scroll up) are meant for elderly people, it’s no wonder that it didn’t fit you. Just think—old people have wrinkly, shriveled up butts (and other appendages…), not healthy, bootylicious ones!

    Your cats, btw, are so beautiful!

  44. December 13, 2010 2:57 PM

    This is hilarious!!

    If it makes you feel any better, I would have slept in the cat bed. Julie Andrews is the reason I used to beg my parents to legally change my name to Fraulein.

  45. December 14, 2010 1:57 AM

    Oh my gosh, I laughed so hard at the campons! Cats are weird.

  46. December 14, 2010 6:05 AM

    My cats don’t play with tampons, but I did have a cat once who would carefully pull a tampon out of the box, parade proudly around the house with it, and then drop it … somewhere. And then, whenever anyone came over, I’d have to explain why there was a tampon on the coffee table or the kitchen floor or wherever. If I’d had Campons, I would have been spared that embarrassment — but then I would have had to explain why I had a box of cat toys in the bathroom. I’m not sure that really would have been any better.

  47. December 14, 2010 4:36 PM

    Perhaps your cats can have a word with my toddler? He caught a glimpse of a tampon going down the toilet the other day and freaked out! He started yelling: Mommy’s lost her penis! Mommy’s lost her penis!”
    I think I just over-shared…

  48. December 15, 2010 2:10 AM

    My cat refuses his expensive bed as well, but LOVES the dog’s bed. Another cheap cat toy: My cat goes bat-shit-crazy for straws. If you haven’t tried it yet, give Isabel and Teva a straw and get ready to laugh.

  49. December 15, 2010 11:26 AM

    Don’t you hate when you’re watching a movie and the ending is so freaking obvious you feel cheated, but then the movie ends and it’s not what you thought at all and then you hate that movie for actually being clever and making you feel stupid?

    I thought you were gonna sit on the cat bed, is what I’m saying.

    Silly, silly cat bed.

    (Oh, and won’t you come and enter my contest today? Pretty please? I feel all dirty asking, but I’m kinda worried nobody’s gonna enter and then I’ll be all SHAMED and in front the INTERNET!)

  50. December 15, 2010 12:59 PM

    If the shoe fits….

  51. December 18, 2010 1:47 AM

    you need to WARN a person that the post is going to induce laughter-slash-vomiting-through-the-nose, woman! this is the best post you ever wrote. and by “ever” i mean since i began reading your blog, ohhhh, maybe what?, 6 months ago? so, in other words, since your life truly began. pfffsha!

    as for my own version of the cat bed issue, well, check your email, because wordpress wouldn’t let me put any pictures in here. which sucks in my humble opinion.

  52. December 18, 2010 6:06 PM

    I hear you re: the cat beds. We have two of those 6 foot tall carpeted cat towers, and I swear to God someone must have smeared dog feces all over them because our girls would rather get their nails clipped than go within 5 feet of them.

  53. I HAVE CAT permalink
    January 2, 2011 11:34 PM

    bahahaa LOVE IT!

  54. January 13, 2011 1:03 AM

    You need a warning above posts like this. “Do not eat anything while reading this post or you will choke and die and miss the end of the post, which will leave your life unfulfilled.”
    Campons just changed my life forever.
    You need to check out Regretsy. Lots of knitted tampons.

  55. February 4, 2011 7:29 AM

    My dogs like dampons too (doesn’t have the same ring, ew). Except they like to find them in my cupboard, and then take them out on the lawn, for the neighbours to admire.

    It’s a plot.


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