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There was a retriever named Vincent but an alarming absence of felines on “Lost.” I’m not saying JJ Abrams is a cat hater, but I’m not saying he isn’t one, either.

January 9, 2011

Happy new year, kittens!

I know 2011 started nine days ago, but let’s just pretend that I’m not a terrible blogger who goes away for the holidays and then comes home and starts watching the final season of “Lost” eight months late because I work nights and don’t have Tivo and after waiting out the longest “long wait” ever on Netflix becomes totally absorbed and unhealthily invested in fictional characters trapped on a magical island in the South Pacific. That show really makes me wish I were a bald victim of a plane crash who becomes marooned on a beach and then miraculously no longer needs a wheelchair. Except I’m not currently a paraplegic and I have a full head of hair, so I suppose the show more accurately makes me wish I were follicly challenged and shoved out of a window by my father whom I gave a kidney to and then I plummeted from a plane onto an island inhabited by hostiles and *then* I regained use of my legs. Locke‘s a lucky man.

Also, that’s what I’ve decided to call you guys – kittens. It might get confusing when I’m talking about actual kittens, though. Which I do *a lot*.

When I add a new member to my family, I’d be like, “Are you friendly, kitten?” And you’d be all, “I am, Alone … with cats.” And I’d be like, “Umm, I am Alone … with cats.” So you’d say, “I meant that I’m friendly.” And I’d be all, “My kitten’s friendly.” You’d be like, “That’s what I said. I’m friendly.” So I’d coo, “Who’s my friendly kitten? You are. You are.” And you’d be all, “I know I am, Alone … with cats.” And I’d respond, “I am Alone … with cats.” And you’d be all, “But I’m your friendly kitten.” And I’d remark, “Friendly kitten, yes you are.” You’d say, “I GET IT. I AM YOUR DAMN FRIENDLY KITTEN.” And I’d be like, “Well, this is awkward. I was talking about my kitten, Friendly, who was named after Mr. Friendly, the gay Other on ‘Lost.’ ” And you’d be all, “Aww, what a boon.” And I’d be like, “Boone wasn’t an Other. His name’s on the Oceanic 815 manifest. Don’t be ridiculous.

I suspect this is a terrible idea, kittens. But you know what’s never a terrible idea? Kittens.

P.S. This post won’t make sense if you’re not a fan of “Lost.”

P.P.S. This post still might not make sense even if you are a fan of “Lost.”

P.P.P.S. Horace Goodspeed and Goodwin Stanhope would make awesome cat names, too.

P.P.P.P.S. I’m not sure I understand this post. (That seems to be a theme when I write about “Lost.”)

P.P.P.P.P.S. I don’t know how it’s possible that I never watched this YouTube video until today, which I found while researching the injustice of why cats were so underrepresented on “Lost.” Yeah. Research. Because someone has to.

33 Comments leave one →
  1. January 9, 2011 6:28 PM

    Oh dear God. I never saw Lost, but now I know. I KNOW. And somehow it all makes sense.

  2. January 9, 2011 6:33 PM


    And Lost.

    So how lovely you’ve both come together for me now.


    I’d be more enthusiastic, but I’m pet sitting and have broken the house and am writing this while sitting on a couch in a 58 degree living room.


  3. January 9, 2011 8:12 PM

    It’s too bad you found LOST moments after the numbers were chosen as the $250,000 winning numbers in the lottery.

    Other than LOST, this post completely lost me. But it seemed like that was the point.

  4. January 9, 2011 11:17 PM

    I’ve never seen Lost, but I am fairly certain now that I am not smart enough to understand it anyway… which makes me feel better about being the last person in all of the United States who didn’t religiously watch.

  5. January 9, 2011 11:21 PM

    Lost confused the hell outta me. But I love me some kittens!

  6. January 10, 2011 2:38 AM

    Welcome back … but now I’m lost.

  7. January 10, 2011 2:39 AM

    Hmm… if you call me kitten, then I shall call you mountaineer.

  8. January 10, 2011 2:41 AM

    that video! so. much. joy.

  9. January 10, 2011 3:10 AM

    I want kitteh!

  10. January 10, 2011 5:02 AM

    I want the English speaking Korean kitty on the left

  11. January 10, 2011 7:57 AM

    That show so annoyed me. After the second season I was only watching to see what would happen (and cuz Sawyer was hot) but I finally gave up in the middle of the last season. I just didn’t even care what happened to those twats, and couldn’t bear another minute of it.

  12. January 10, 2011 8:01 AM

    You’re back, you’re back! I don’t care what you call us, but WE are going to call YOU “Oh, Captain, My Captain” and stand up on our desks like in “Dead Poets Society.” Except I tried that once and there was AN INCIDENT… so maybe no desk-standing. But welcome back, Oh Captain My Captain!

  13. January 10, 2011 10:07 AM

    So glad you’re back! And I just finished watching Lost last week. So you’re not alone!

  14. January 10, 2011 12:07 PM

    Welcome back!

    Ok, I’m gonna say the thing we’re all thinking. We don’t wanna hear about lost!! We want to hear about the VACATION.

    I’m also totally okay with you calling us “Kittens,” which is probably really some weird freudian thing wherein we are acting out “daddy didn’t love me issues,” but it’s better than resorting to vajazzling so I’m sure any therapist in the world would say that this is an adequate coping strategies.

    However, while I call you “Alone…With Cats” to other people who know what that means, I wouldn’t call you that TO you.

    I would call you Your Ladyship in Catness.

  15. redg_rl permalink
    January 10, 2011 12:54 PM

    the house of representatives read through the constitution the other day. prior to reading a part, interruptions were made to state various member names, folk took turns filing past the podium.. some folk had a sentence to read, some had 3-7 words to read.. it was so horrifyingly not/smooth for supposedly educated folk that are.. in charge of important decision making? that all made about as much sense as those kittens did & I’m so very glad that I never watched lost. always good to see a new post though!

  16. January 10, 2011 5:59 PM

    OK, I was kinda skimming because I was an avid fan of the first three seasons of LOST and although I heard it goes to crack in the later seasons, I still want to watch them eventually.


  17. January 10, 2011 6:08 PM

    Yeah, this post made no sense to me, but I didn’t have anything better to do, so win-win for us, yes?
    Also, I have recently taken to calling my cat, Kato, by the name Puddinghead Jones. He answers to it, but that may be because he’s not very bright and every time I say anything he translates it as Do you want a cat treat?

  18. January 10, 2011 6:23 PM

    There may have been kittens on Lost. But they were smart enough to find a way off really early on and they didn’t want the people (or, let’s face it, the dog) so they didn’t tell anyone.

    Missed you!


    A Friendly Kitten.

  19. January 10, 2011 6:32 PM

    ‘Kittens’ is rather a better way of addressing your doting readers than what I used to call my school students – “chookens”, “chickens”, “megastars” or “rambunctious young persons”. I told them all to watch ‘LOST’ as it would provide an eterntaining model of the “thriller” genre. I totally enjoyed every season of ‘LOST’ for all the little good it did me. Throughout, I asked: ‘do the writers of this show intentionally create an ambiguously lame plot? Did they intentionally script vapid and silly dialogue which similarly intrigues at a base and desultory level? Do they themselves understand the ‘ending’, which was the ‘beginning’ the whole time?’

    I think my favourite series was the “time flashes” stuff as it was hypersilly. So the creepy old lady shot her own son in an attempt to prevent him going forward in time in order to be born? This hurt my head, but I still enjoyed it.

    Call us whatever you like, just call us!

  20. January 10, 2011 6:39 PM

    Glad you’re back. I was starting to get worried that something happened to you and you were lying in your apartment and your cats were starving so they had to eat you, out of love, of course, so I’m happy to know this was not the case. Although, I did have a fabulous blog idea about it, which I now have to throw away since apparently you’re fine…except that this might be Teva doing the typing (I’ve always thought she was the smart one) and you really are lying on your floor being served as leftovers now, probably in sandwich form since that’s always what happens to leftover food.

  21. January 11, 2011 5:14 PM

    Evenin’! Just want to let you know that I awarded you a “stylish Blogger” award on my post tonight. I love reading your blog and wanted to share it on my post.
    Bye! Rach

  22. January 11, 2011 8:28 PM

    I did always wonder how that one guy stayed fat on an island. Maybe I need to watch it. But I made a new deal with Netflix so they won’t send me anything anymore. I thought that relationship was abusive. I guess I’d rather watch cats talking about Lost. You should find out who made that video and go sightseeing with her.
    I declare this post a winner!

  23. January 12, 2011 1:40 AM

    Wow I’m loving that YouTube video… I don’t watch Lost, and now I don’t need to!

  24. Foreigner permalink
    January 12, 2011 7:47 AM

    The video is absolutely fantastikkiten!! LOved it!!
    I stopped watching Lost by the end of 5th season!! It’s when i decided people who made the screen are psobably on HQ drugs!!

    Happy new year to you too Kitten! =)

  25. Elizabeth permalink
    January 12, 2011 5:53 PM

    Maybe Lost is soaking up cats because I can’t find one to save my life. I have tried to adopt a last chance kitten from PetSmart for 6 months now… everytime I go in someone snatches the kitten I want! It’s a Lost conspiracy. Not that I ever watched the show.

  26. January 13, 2011 12:45 AM

    Lost lost me somewhere around the 2nd season. This youtube video just made my LIFE. Someone turned into a cloud? Amaze-balls.

  27. BeneathTheSpinLight permalink
    January 13, 2011 12:56 AM

    I got lost reading this Lost post… but it was an entertained confusion. Well done!

  28. January 13, 2011 8:14 AM

    I never saw Lost. The title confused me so that can’t be a good start. It was just the capital letters, y’know, the intensity of it all; LOST… LOST! I totally took it personally.

  29. January 13, 2011 11:15 AM

    I watched the first season of Lost… and then the last episode. Then spent like two hours reading the spoilers from all the other seasons so I could figure out what they were talking about. Only to come to the conclusion that I was right from the very first episode, and I don’t care what anyone says they were too dead the whole time. Sideways universe is purgatory sort out your worldly problems now cross over and dead for real? Whatevs, they was dead.

  30. January 14, 2011 5:38 PM

    add pussy to the mix and everyone’s lost.

  31. January 16, 2011 3:26 AM

    *hangs head* i actually wrote a long post explaining to someone WHY I will never ever watch Lost…

    Still INTERNET friends? 🙂

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