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Excuse me, you’re standing on my neck

January 17, 2011

As if I were Fievel, the little Russian animated illegal alien mouse in “An American Tail” who becomes separated from his family and frequently bursts into the power ballad “Somewhere Out There,” I have been feeling missed a lot lately. Except I don’t sing. And I’m usually not all that animated. And I’m not a mouse. Which wouldn’t go over so well, because Teva and Isabel seem like sweethearts but around bugs and vermin they transform into vicious, crafty killers and would slice me like cauliflower in a Cuisinart.

Maybe that’s a bad simile. I’m sort of a failure in the kitchen. I’m not really sure what a Cuisinart does. Dice. Puree. Taxes. Whatever Cuisinarts do, Isabel and Teva would do that.

Anyway, as I was saying, I am missed. When Mom was crushing my rib cage during a Hulk-hug goodbye at the Cleveland airport, she said between tears and heavy sighs, “I only get two out of 52 weeks with you every year. It’s not enough.” Without thinking, I corrected her: “We went to North Carolina and Vermont, and then I even came home for the holidays. It was more like two and a half or three weeks.” Mistake.

Mom was dropping me off so I could catch a flight to Canada to see my girlfriend Lindsay, who lives in Toronto, hundreds of miles away from my hometown of Boston. I’ve spent the past several years single and saving money on razors by growing out my leg hair. Now I’m not single but still saving money on razors by growing out my leg hair between visits. Silver lining. When we’re together, we can’t keep our hands to ourselves, to the extent that I RSVP-ed to an upcoming party in February with a plus-two and a warning: “Lindsay, our PDA and I will definitely be there.” We kiss in crosswalks waiting for the traffic lights to turn. We sit smushed up against each other at restaurants, because the opposite side of the table is so. far. away. We’re the couple I used to stab with dagger eyes.

Lindsay won’t be back in Boston for another few weeks, and we miss each other madly. Due to the distance, we have the opportunity to go sightseeing only once a month. In the absence of sightseeing, which is nothing like actual sightseeing unless you’re an exhibitionist, we often resort to sexting. Thanks to iPhone’s autocorrect, our sexting resembles passages from the naughty but typo-ridden book that David Sedaris sears in his short story, “Next of Kin.” A young David stumbles upon the dirty tome and proceeds to pass it from one Sedaris to the next, its salacious tales of hard “cecks” and wet “pissies” scandalizing him and his school-age siblings. But like the budding essayist and his poorly written porn, Lindsay and I make the most of it, spending as much time aroused as amused. She has nice tots.

I’m still getting accustomed to having a girlfriend again. I can’t seem to stop saying the word, like a toddler who’s just learned the meaning and power of “No!” Who’s Lindsay? My girlfriend. For whom am I head over heels? My girlfriend. Who sweetly sleeps on my shoulder with her head tucked under my chin and arms wrapped around me every night? My cat Isabel. Why do you ask?

Because I traveled to Cleveland and then Toronto, I was away from Teva and Isabel for nine days, which is nine days longer than Isabel can stand for us to be apart. Teva is less affectionate and more independent than Isabel, who hasn’t left my side – and my head – since I’ve been back. Because she’s relieved and loves me so much for coming home. Or she wants to Cuisinart me for leaving.

This is what it looks like to be missed. And smothered. Also, I almost didn't post these because Isabel's bedhead is seriously out of control. How embarrassing. For her.

Perhaps some might find all this attention and neck-standing suffocating, figuratively or literally, but not me. It does, however, take my breath away to have so many dear people wishing I were near. Yes, I just called Isabel and Teva people. They are.

So, kittens. Who’s missing you?

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52 Comments leave one →
  1. January 17, 2011 5:27 AM

    Yeah, that second pic definitely looks like an attempted choke-out.

    I’d watch out, if I were you.

  2. January 17, 2011 5:49 AM

    Aww, those are really cute pictures. The second one looks like she’s kneading her claws into your neck, and you’re having the kind of internal debate that all cat owners have sometimes (“She’s so cute, purring and kneading like that. But she’s dangerously close to my jugular vein. But she looks so happy”).

  3. Foreigner permalink
    January 17, 2011 6:32 AM

    Adorable pics =)

    When I went to Scotland i missed my cat (he’s name is Luka) like hell. I was away for 3 weeks and when I came back he didn’t leave my side, he followed me around even to the bathroom for a few days. I’ve got very similar pics of him sleeping next to me!!

    Do your cats also bite your toes in the morning to wake u up or just mine??? haha

    Good luck to you and your girlfriend 😉

  4. January 17, 2011 6:38 AM

    Your question: So kittens. Who’s missing you?
    Answer: Sadly, no one at the moment. Still, we live through you!

  5. January 17, 2011 6:44 AM

    I love the way kitties just lay it all out there. ‘I’m going to step on your head now whether you pet me or not’! 🙂

    I’m so happy for you two. The long distance part won’t be forever…

  6. January 17, 2011 7:12 AM

    My ex-wife. Those extra hours on the rifle range haven’t paid off yet.

  7. January 17, 2011 7:59 AM

    Awwwwww….soooo cute! My Cody does the same thing! We call him the “close talker”….

    Soooooo happy for you!!

  8. January 17, 2011 8:37 AM

    I’m pretty sure a cuisinart doesn’t do taxes, but I don’t have one so what do I know?

    Congratulations on a girlfriend, you deserve to be happy.

    Isabel is looking real sweet and happy. My cats always hated it if I was gone, and one of them would even pine to the point she wouldn’t eat AT ALL, bue when I got back it was more like “Well, you’ve been gone too long and I missed you like heck so off to Coventry with you for your punishment” and after the initial frantically happy greeting I would be ignored for days. Pointedly.

  9. January 17, 2011 9:18 AM

    awww….this makes me miss my kitties. Too cute!

  10. January 17, 2011 10:19 AM

    Oi vey. You said that to your mother. Fark. Are you really still alive? Or are you submerged under the sulking and barbed comments?

    As for missing? Well, it would usually be my bank manager, but I’m all paid up.

  11. January 17, 2011 11:27 AM

    suddenly i am missing you! those photos make me want to kiss you!
    purr, purr.

  12. January 17, 2011 11:35 AM

    Nimbus will climb on my head daily when I get home at work.

    The cat has serious issues. But I think it’s cause Topaz Cuisinarts him if he gets too close to her so he lives in a state of perpetual insecurity all day.

    I’ve also discovered that if you’re not paying attention, the autocorrect can term seemingly harmless texts into suggestive ones. “Came home,” for instance, gets turned into “Came good.” Which really communicates something quite different.

    Fortunately I sent the text to my boyfriend. Who is now my husband. Those two things may actually be related.

  13. January 17, 2011 12:12 PM

    Somewheeerre out therrrrrrrreeee if love can seee us throoooo we’lll find one ah-notherrrr… somewhere out therrreee… out where dreeeaamms… come truuuuuuuuu…

    1. I loved “American Tail” as a child. Partly because it was one of two Disney movies allowed in the house, and “Bambi” was wayyyy too sad for me (my mom = original feminist = Disney leading ladies [doesnotequal] good roll model for baby feminists).

    2. I heart David Sedaris.

    3. Those pics are amazing. Seriously – Isabel needs to get her shit together.

    4. My mommy misses me too. And my daddy. And some friends that live far far away. Sometimes I really hate that the US is such a big place. Poop. Good thing I love to travel.

  14. January 17, 2011 12:17 PM

    My mom misses me, but I’m pretty sure that’s early stage dementia.

  15. January 17, 2011 12:19 PM

    Have you been to damnyouautocorrect.com? You probably have, but if not, you should. It’s epic.

    Also, 10 bonus points for Daria theme song title.

    Who’s missing me? No one. Since my fiance and I moved in together, we’re together ALL THE TIME, so it’s not the same as when he was driving a truck and I didn’t see him for a couple weeks at a time.

    Is it weird that I miss that missing? Maybe.

  16. January 17, 2011 12:38 PM

    I never get to cuddle with my cats like that any longer. Because my vicious 5 pound dog keeps them away so she can cuddle! I posted a picture of my dog in my bed on twitter (I have 3 dogs and 4 cats) and someone was appalled. That my animals sleep in my bed. I wouldn’t have it any other way!

    Good on you for the girlfriend.

    xo Susie

  17. January 17, 2011 1:29 PM

    Those pictures are way to cute! Congratulations to you and your gf. It sure is a great feeling being loved. I remember all the PDA’s we had…my favorite was us making out at Bed Bath and Beyond while buying hangers, lol. Good times 🙂

  18. January 17, 2011 2:11 PM

    you could train her to ride ON your head. it’s cold out there. an active ‘cat hat’ could make a difference…

  19. January 17, 2011 3:11 PM

    Can you teach me how to train my cats to do that? “Pet me or I’ll make you tap out!”

  20. January 17, 2011 4:22 PM

    My mum says she misses me and then she promptly points out that I shouldn’t move back to Sweden as it just sucks there and is soo boring… hrrmmmm.

    Very cute pics.

  21. January 17, 2011 5:29 PM

    I want you to be with me tooooo… and I’ve never even met you. But I can tell you’re cool because you like sightseeing as much as I do, you have great spectacles, and you have a love for grammar. Even though you come from a farting family, I still wish you were here.
    (I have a feeling we all come from a farting family.)

    Anyhooo… I also must commend you for being brave enough to blog about this hot new chick of yours. I’ve been dating this guy since July, but I still don’t want to put him on the old blog. Commitment issues? Yes. Blog girlfriend means legit. Very proud of you.
    Also, I would never stand on your neck. Just sayin.

  22. January 17, 2011 5:30 PM

    Be careful. You might need a cervix pillow after all that neck standing.

  23. January 17, 2011 5:56 PM

    Who’s missing me? No one that I know of. Except perhaps my parrot when I go to work each day. He turned into a transgendered lesbian a few years ago and even managed to lay a couple of eggs. That’s the power of nursemyra for you…. turning birds all over the world

  24. January 17, 2011 6:51 PM

    tots are hot!

    p.s. your little fur baby is adorable.

    p.s.s. i’m talking about your cat.

    p.s.s.s. so happy for you and l.

  25. January 17, 2011 6:53 PM

    I LOVE “Next of Kin.” And David Sedaris in general. And … that must be fun for you. Both the tots and the smothering.

  26. redg_rl permalink
    January 17, 2011 7:51 PM

    typing ‘yea yea’ used to be auto-corrected into ‘testes’ but alas, my phone has trained itself to no longer do that. bummer. you should enjoy oodles of pda & maximum hot tot-age. the photos are brilliant & while Saba generally doesn’t sleep on my head, he does often follow me to the bano. I spank my pussy whilst sitting on the potty? shit. even autocorrect couldn’t fix that one.

  27. January 17, 2011 11:11 PM

    I wish autocorrect would correct autotune songs and then listeners hear how crap the singer’s real voice is and change channels. As for ‘tots, that’s still a salacious thing to say in the New Zealand accent. Hooray for PDA – I find myself succumbing to much of this even without any P in the room. Most of all, congrats on raising cuddly cats. For me, it’s going to be a lifetime project. Jazzy! Please, please come out from under the couch so I can pat a square inch of fur on the back of your torso for half a second!

  28. January 18, 2011 2:05 AM

    so firstly of the mostly, I love that you actually referenced American Tale, because I saw that title and immediately thought: welease the sewcret weapon!

    I love that Isabel missed you so much! that’s how my Jeté is too. she’s like some sort of symbiotic bug, attached to me. it’s so sweet.

  29. January 18, 2011 5:48 AM

    I can safely say that no one misses me. I’m going to have to get a cat aren’t I?

  30. January 18, 2011 6:08 AM

    those pictures make me jealous that i can’t do that with my cats…. SO. CUTE.
    damn you allergies!!!

  31. January 18, 2011 10:14 AM

    I just rewatched An American Tail a few months ago. It was great!

    My cat sleeps there, too! Not because she misses me, but because she wants something…usually food.

    Glad you’re having a great time texting with your girlfriend! (That’s right, I said it: “your girlfriend.”

  32. January 18, 2011 10:58 AM

    Whenever I go away I like to think my cat, Eeyore (fat, grey, depressed….ring any bells?) misses me but actually I think she prefers the place to herself because when I get back she ignores me for like a week and then the following week won’t stop meowing, which I’m pretty sure is her way of saying “don’t you have somewhere else to be right now? Seriously, you should take a vacation!”

  33. January 18, 2011 2:20 PM

    Things we should most definitely work on making “happen”

    1. A movie about actual ALIEN MICE.
    2. “Cuisinart” as an acceptable verb.

    So happy you are so loved and missed. That’s an awesome feeling. You know what else is awesome? PDA. Well, when you’re the one PDA-ing, not the one watching the PDA-ing.

    3. Also needing to be made to happen – PDA as a verb.

    I should just write the effing dictionary already.

  34. January 18, 2011 3:53 PM

    i think the only creature that misses me is rae’s crazy dog. “simple dog.”

    nice tots? blue-footed tots?

  35. January 18, 2011 6:59 PM

    I love the couple of days after I get home from a trip because every once in a while my cats will come tearing into the room and jump into my lap. Its like they’re going about their day and it suddenly occurs to them that they miss me. And that I’m there! They don’t have to miss me! Joy!

  36. January 19, 2011 2:11 PM

    Wouldn’t that be the best way to die, though?

    “Sarah M. Smart, 24, of San Francisco, died Jan. 15. She was Cuisinarted and survived by her cat, Sadie, 5.”

    s

    P.S. DARIA!!!

  37. January 19, 2011 2:15 PM

    “nice tots.” love it. every get a text about your “ash” or “virginia”? ha.

  38. January 19, 2011 3:33 PM

    I miss myself.

    A LOT.

    I mean, where have I been lately?

  39. January 19, 2011 4:15 PM

    too cute!! I have just rescued my cat from accidentally being locked in the garage earlier and she is smothering me with kisses, dribble and purrs. I love her 🙂

  40. January 19, 2011 7:02 PM

    Oh man. I laughed, out loud, in a public place, at this post.
    So glad you are happy 🙂

  41. January 20, 2011 1:13 AM

    Now *I* want a girlfriend. Dangit. Congratulations on finally being the one getting the dagger eyes. You deserve it.

    And as a mother, I say to you, be nice to her. Visit her more often. We love our children more than we can stand somehow.

  42. January 20, 2011 11:42 AM

    I will read the TEXT proper later because right now I am absolutely distracted: YOU look like Natalie Portman! I have to get this off my chest first. 🙂

  43. January 20, 2011 11:46 AM

    Oh I am so happy for you!!!!!!! To be in love. To feel like you are walking in the cloud all the time. Every step you take is spring-y. To think that, to put myself in your place, I am getting goose bumps all over.

    🙂

    Smiley is not enough to express how happy I am for you and your GIRLFRIEND. *HAPPY SMILE*

  44. January 21, 2011 1:09 AM

    Yay for a fellow David Sedaris fan!

    I might have mentioned that I live in Cleveland before…I hope you’ve been enjoying our oh-so-lovely weather! Oh well, at least when you visit your mom I am hoping you have been smart enough to go eat at Melt Bar & Grilled or another select Cleveland restaurant that serves up high-calorie sandwiches that keep the stereotype of fat Ohioans alive. Anyway! Glad to hear that things are still going well with the Julie Andrews stunt double! I love the pics…so adorable!

  45. January 21, 2011 2:17 AM

    Aw, Isabel missed you! She’s so freaking cute!!
    My cats always purr like chainsaws every time I visit the parentals – they miss me too!

  46. January 23, 2011 11:49 PM

    Hold on a second. You are not only loudly bragging about the fact you have a girlfriend, but that you have plenty of other people waiting in the wings to just love up on you? Psht. Thanks for rubbing it in my face.

  47. January 24, 2011 5:58 PM

    OH! I love you AND your girlfriend. The husband and I did the long distance thing for about a year [3 hours apart, so not so long distance compared to you. Fine. It wasn’t a big deal. Whatever.] and I have to say, it was always pleasant to go sightseeing when we got together.

    I also love your cats. Who are definitely people.

  48. January 25, 2011 4:57 PM

    Friends from England and friend from the internet.

    ( The latter are happier lately though, since I Phoenix’d today. 😀 )

    Also, and rather belated: ‘Gratz on the lady-friend 🙂

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