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Psychotic episodes taste like sugar cookies

January 25, 2011

It turns out that not having to shave my legs regularly isn’t the only benefit of being in a long-distance relationship. Aside from the happiness and crap.

This just arrived in the mail:

Everyone should get tasty treats delivered to their doorstep for no reason at all. Unless they're from a terrorist baker. Great. Now I want baklava.

In addition to making me swoon, sweet gestures like this one serve a purpose: they prove that I haven’t hallucinated my girlfriend Lindsay. Because believe me, after being apart from each other for several weeks, I start to wonder whether I’m simply in the midst of some sort of massive mental meltdown that has manifested itself in delusions of non-cat companionship. I totally wouldn’t put it past me.

Upon receiving the confections, I felt reassured of my grip on reality. Lindsay is real. Not Israel, though. She’s from Canada.

Then I read the card:

Seriously, someone please send me some baklava. And a kitten. Baklava shaped like a kitten. Also, a new shower caddy. Mine's broken. It doesn't have to be made of baklava. Your choice. Although that would be an awesome idea, because "lava" is Spanish for "wash." The commercial could be like, "Regular metal shower caddies are OK, but they don't taste good unless you suffer from Pica disorder ... until now. Gracias, Bak-Lava!"

Huh. The card is signed with hugs and kisses from … me?

I sent myself … sugar cookies?

Now that’s crazy.

I always just assumed my first psychotic episode would involve chocolate, more specifically Kit Kats. Not sure why.

47 Comments leave one →
  1. January 25, 2011 5:53 AM

    Actually, there’s a very simple explanation — Lindsay has changed her name to Jessica. Which is totally not weird at all. And if she’s also cut and dyed her hair to look just like yours, I’m sure that’s just a coincidence. And if she’s borrowed some of your clothes and neglected to return them, well, I’m sure that’s just an oversight. Everything’s fine. Nothing to worry about at all.

  2. January 25, 2011 7:01 AM

    I always imagined your first psychotic episode would involve bubble wrap. I guess I owe Teva ten dollars.

  3. January 25, 2011 7:45 AM

    Thanks for that, I’m now trying to imagine you satisfying yourself.

    But how’s Lindsay going to take the news? Do you think she’ll be jealous?

    • January 26, 2011 1:52 AM

      Probably jealous. Canadians are the jealous sort what with the whole “not American” inferiority complex.

  4. January 25, 2011 8:22 AM

    cookies are one thing, but if you start sending yourself flowers, diamonds and sportscars, i think you’re going to have to have an intervention… that’s just over the top.

  5. January 25, 2011 8:46 AM

    I gotta go with Laura on this one (’cause she’ll hurt me if I don’t)… South Park says Canadians have flapping heads full of lies, so stalking and serious for-real-not-just-on-your-credit-report identity theft is no big deal up there… she’s gonna kill you and wear your skin.

  6. January 25, 2011 9:16 AM

    Don’t question the cookies! Even if you sent them to yourself, cookies are always good. Where did you order them from?

  7. January 25, 2011 9:35 AM

    In another life and time I was a psychologist. I’d like to ask you some questions. Let’s start with, what day is it?

    xo Susie

    ps The cookies look amazing and it’s no wonder you sent them to yourself!

  8. Dizzy permalink
    January 25, 2011 9:47 AM

    Personally, I’d have sent myself really expensive chocolates… but I love the message on those cookies!

    I think it would help to ease the psychosis if you sent me a sensual dark chocolate love note, actually. You know, shake things up a bit… I’d also accept a naughty milk chocolate sexual proposition, if that’s what your other personalities prefer.

    I am only thinking of your mental health.

  9. January 25, 2011 10:14 AM

    Jessica, do you think all Greek people are terrorists? Because that’s a little bit racist. Mainly a little bit weird though.

  10. The General (aka: Mommy) permalink
    January 25, 2011 10:14 AM

    Hmm. I bet it’s just meant to say XOXO Jessica and the person from the bakery who actually wrote it out screwed up and added the hyphen.

    Or is that to plain and not crazy enough? In which case I surmise she had been hitting the crack pipe and surfing the olde internet and stumbled across those cookies. She immediately wanted to order them but was so freaking high on the meth and formaldehyde she couldn’t remember who she was or where she lived. In a lightbulb moment of genius typically brought on by giving your brain toxic chemicals to play with she came up with a name, and an address. She congratulated herself on remembering her vitals and proceeded to laugh about how high she was that when she got the cookies she wouldn’t even remember all this, and it would seem like a present, so she made sure to include a loving message for herself.

    Except she was completely jacked up and instead of remembering her own name and address she remembered yours. Because she like, loves you and shit.

    Your welcome. Enjoy the cookies.

  11. January 25, 2011 10:33 AM

    If I do send myself anything it would be expensive fancy chocolate and roses, on Valentine’s Day. Ahem. Not saying I have done it before…

    There is something wrong with me because all I could think of is “Nice handwriting!”

  12. January 25, 2011 11:15 AM

    Cookies are good! I agree with the explanation the general made, the bakery person added the hyphen, I don’t think you’d actually send gifts to yourself and then blog about it unless it is to confuse all of us out here in blogland.

    Right now, I’m trying to stay off cookies myself. Although I suppose if I shaved my legs I might actually see a small weight drop. Maybe a half an ounce or so. Especially when I count the loss of blood.

    On second thought, not worth it.

  13. Dear Sweet Mama permalink
    January 25, 2011 11:28 AM

    I’m with Laura and HH. In fact, I think there is a movie coming out about this very happening – did you perhaps write it with no knowledge – if you get a royalty check, call me. You obviously need a Dear Sweet Mama to live with you and make sure you are safe when you cross the street. And don’t have your underwear on the outside. Unless I need a laugh that day. As long as you are not anywhere near Chinatown – I drove through a Tong War in Boston one time and it has scarred me.

  14. January 25, 2011 11:44 AM

    You completely ignored discussion of the fact that the cookies have images of semi-unlaced bustiers all over them.

    You got soft-p*rn cookies in the mail.

    (Asterisk to prevent tacky spam – not because I have O anxiety.)

    I think that is something that really needs to be discussed.

    Along with the possibly imaginary girlfriend.

    I’m certain they’re related.

  15. January 25, 2011 12:06 PM

    If you’re going to have a psychotic break, you might as well have cookies. Though KitKats DO make more sense (give me a break, give me a break…)

    As they say on T-Shirts and FB flair: Come to the dark side, we have cookies!

  16. January 25, 2011 12:41 PM

    Never look a gift cookie in the mouth! Just PUT IT in your mouth.

    That’s sound advice for a lot of situations, really.

  17. January 25, 2011 12:49 PM

    Let’s just focus on the fact that the other writing is correct. Those bakers sure know cookie grammar.
    What a sweet gesture! I’m liking this chick. Despite the dog. I HATE dogs. I hate all pets, actually, because I am selfish and irresponsible. But I like yours. Swear.

  18. January 25, 2011 12:58 PM

    Never question cookies.

    Especially cookies that come with the best pick up line I’ve heard in a while. If I guy brought me a fishbowl of booze with the same saying on it, I might drop trou right there. Of course, after a few fishbowls of booze, that’s fairly likely anyway. Getting with me is all in the timing.

  19. January 25, 2011 1:21 PM

    Aw, you’re like a very romantic, lesbian Tyler Durden.

  20. January 25, 2011 1:35 PM

    Very nice cookie gesture… even from yourself. Nah, see there is a hyphen! All is good.

  21. January 25, 2011 2:35 PM

    I usually wait till Valentine’s Day to send myself presents so it looks like I’m less lonely. Way to buck the trend.

  22. January 25, 2011 3:03 PM

    As long as you charged them to someone else’s account, it’s like they ARE from someone else.

    Nice sex cookies. I could use a batch.

  23. January 25, 2011 3:03 PM

    Maybe it’s saying Hugs and Kisses to Jessica. In shorthand.

  24. January 25, 2011 3:04 PM

    Also, I could probably send you some baklava. I wouldn’t make it myself, because really, I cannot roll out the dough thin enough [although many family members can – it’s amazing to see, really] but I can get you some. You know, on the DL. I’m not getting between you and your love.

  25. That Girl permalink
    January 25, 2011 3:11 PM

    I will no longer be able to think of you as anything but Lesbian Tyler Durden. But Lindsay definitely wins – cookies and come-ons!!! Damn girl. You win with her.

  26. January 25, 2011 4:01 PM

    Given the sweetly girlish icing on the cookies, you clearly have no trouble with your white swan. It’s your black swan you need to work on. This is Lindsay seducing you, but YOU should be seducing HER!

  27. January 25, 2011 4:02 PM

    (Forgive me, I have been waking up at night in somnabulistic fre-enactments from Black Swan, playing all the parts myself.)

  28. January 25, 2011 4:09 PM

    Man I love some alliteration in the evening. *massive mental meltdown that has manifested *

  29. dru permalink
    January 25, 2011 4:38 PM

    Dude…that’s a good idea. I should schedule a random delivery of cookies and flowers for myself several weeks in the future so I can have surprise cookies 🙂

    February 14th should do.

    ( Bonus: Delivered to the office makes people think my boyfriend cares ^^ )

  30. January 25, 2011 4:48 PM

    Haha, You guys crack me up!
    Also? I’m totally ‘noming’ at the sight of those cookies. Those are the best cookies I’ve ever seen. Man I’m hungry. It’s probably time for an early lunch. I think I’m going to have cookies.

  31. January 25, 2011 5:33 PM

    Wait… did you just look gift cookies in the mouth?

    Um… so yeah, to repeat: COOKIES were delivered to YOUR DOOR. Crazy-schmazy. What are you complaining about, woman?

    PS Once, in high school, I was on the phone with this dude and we were planning something and he asked me for my cell (yes I had one of those big ugly gray clunky things “for emergencies”) and I gave him a number. He asked me to repeat it. So I did.

    Yeah. Not my number. My crush’s number. Who was like, his BFF, so of course the dude recognized it.


    Maybe Lindsay is just thinking about you lots and wrote your name instead. It could happen.

  32. January 25, 2011 6:06 PM

    hmm… what if Lindsay is akin to “Single White Female” and is insidiously assuming your identity?

    p.s. “oh, wedgie woman” has been on a loop in my head for weeks. thanks for that. i will do my best to return the favor… 😉

  33. January 25, 2011 6:08 PM

    OOO, that saucy note is so exciting that it turned me on a bit and it’s not even my GF sending me cookies! Wait…do I have a GF? Am I having a pyschaotic break myself? Can I spell psychotic? MAYBE?

  34. January 25, 2011 7:16 PM

    I say you go out, blow a lot of money on fancy stuff, and send it to yourself. Then you can blame the whole thing on that psychotic episode. Everyone wins!

    • January 25, 2011 8:15 PM

      These would easily be the creepiest cookies if sent by an anonymous mailer.

      In fact, I think I’m going to start leaving these on the doorsteps of people I hate with a clump of my hair and a few fingernails.

  35. January 26, 2011 12:05 AM

    WANT cookies. Please.

  36. January 26, 2011 2:34 AM


    the celibacy might be getting to me.

  37. January 26, 2011 3:21 AM

    The cheesecake I happily bragged about being sent to me has now totally been trumped by your cookies that also come with sex (okay, not immediate sex, but sex). Wayyyyy to steal my thunder. Thanks.

  38. January 26, 2011 3:00 PM

    I’m weird. Let me just start with that. So it’s natural for me to zoom into the fact that the cookies are from someplace called the Bitter Baking Company which I just HAD to google — and the first line on their page is: “There’s a little bitch in every batch of our frosted sugar cookies!” and then I immediately thought THIS IS TRUE LOVE! How could it not be? Your non-imaginary GF got you SNARKY COOKIES!!! And I just wanted you to know that I might be in love with Lindsay, too, but not because she looks like Julie Andrews, more because she found the best cookie company in. the. world. And now I’m going to go order stuff from them and send snarkiness to all! In cookie form, I mean.

  39. January 26, 2011 6:00 PM

    i wish my gf sent me sex cookies.

  40. January 28, 2011 2:00 AM

    My laugh meter just blew a fuse and my neighbour is complaining about my noise again. All your fault and I don’t just mean Jessica.

  41. Foreigner permalink
    January 30, 2011 6:23 AM

    Aside from the happiness and crap… hahaha

    those cookies look delish =)

  42. February 1, 2011 2:37 AM

    When I first started dating The Pilot (we met at work) I was leaving the car-park (next to the heli-pad) just after he’d landed, he came rushing toward my car, all crouched down like you need to around swooshing helicopter blades, with the chopper headphones still on and it was all totally Top Gun and dashing and I could HEAR Take My Breath Away in the background, and he got to the window of my car, leaned in and said ………. “Do you need milk and bread?”

    Which is almost exactly like getting sexy biscuits in the post, isn’t it?

  43. February 3, 2011 5:17 AM

    You’re a far better person than I am. I would have clawed through the bag and practically inhaled those cookies at first sight. Card? What card??

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