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Logically speaking, I thought for sure I’d be Elton John’s emergency womb

January 28, 2011

Conversation with my friend Alexandria, who recently returned from a trip to Cambodia:

Alexandria: Oh, ugh. I’ve been hella sick. Finally went to the clinic today — vomiting, shivers, nasty skin staph infection and they’re “not sure I don’t have malaria.” Fun.

Me: My co-worker just chimed in: “George Clooney has malaria, too!”

Alexandria: OK, logic: George Clooney has lots of luck with the ladies. Therefore, anything George Clooney and I have in common will help me with the ladies?

Me: That’s very sound logic. I can say that with certainty because I dated a girl I met in logic class.

Alexandria: Thanks. I thought of it all by myself.

Me: I wonder whether I benefit in some way by knowing someone who probably doesn’t have malaria in common with George Clooney.

Alexandria: See? I’m doing this for all of us. The public lesbian good.

Me: It’s like the Kevin Bacon game. Except with George Clooney. And mosquito-borne disease.

Alexandria: And hot, hot lesbian sex. Someday. If George Clooney has anything to say about it.

Me: Well, George Clooney loves the ladies. Some ladies love ladies. Some ladies who love ladies love hot, hot lesbian sex with other ladies. Therefore, George Clooney loves hot, hot lesbian sex.

Alexandria: Ooh, transitive properties. I like.

Me: This must explain why I’m attracted to George Clooney. Because he’s so great as lesbian sex.

Alexandria: Are you really? I’m fascinated by your taste in celebrities. It’s like you’re a gay, middle-aged man from Peoria. Scratch that. It’s like you’re a bi-curious housewife from Peoria. Who knows a gay man who introduced her to his love of Elton John. And, see, secretly she thinks the gay man (who’s the town’s only male nurse, by the way) is fabulous because he’s out and gay, and she can only entertain her fantasies so her love has transferred onto Elton John. I am going to write a sitcom about your sexual attraction. I hope that’s not weird.

Me: Is this about my lust for beloved Disney icon Mary Poppins? Look, I own that. I am not ashamed. And OK, yes, I bought Us magazine waiting in line at the grocery store yesterday because there was a big photo of Elton John, his husband and their new baby on the cover. Sure, babies scare me, and I totally don’t want one of my own because gross, but after gently stalking Elton John for so many years I would not have hesitated to be his surrogate. Like Dionne Warwick and friends sing: that’s what 30-something, fertile, pure-blooded Jewish redheaded fans with birthing hips are for.

Alexandria: Pretty sure that’s not at all how the song goes. But did you hear that magazine was censored in Arkansas? Have you seen this?

In this dramatic re-en-cat-ment, Teva is playing the role of Arkansas.

Me: If I were a bi-curious housewife in Arkansas who has misguidedly focused my secret lesbian longings on Elton John based on the recommendation of my sassy gay nurse manfriend, I’d probably have to drive across state lines to find out about the new baby he didn’t ask me to carry for him.

Alexandria: Road trip! With sassy gay friend. See, sitcom.

Me: Or maybe a feature-length film. Like “Transamerica.” Without the sex change. And the son I didn’t know I have from back when I was a dude. Never mind, actually nothing like that. Maybe “Sideways”? Napa getaway, copious amounts of wine … and Virginia Madsen and Sandra Oh could have hot, hot lesbian sex.

Alexandria: But what about the sassy gay friend?

Me: It’s like you don’t want Virginia Madsen and Sandra Oh to have hot, hot lesbian sex.

Alexandria: Maybe a movie is too ambitious. I really think television is your medium.

Me: As a precursor to the sitcom you write about my odd sexual proclivities, I’ll probably blog about this. My mostly straight married audience might appreciate this fascinating look into our psyches.

Alexandria: OMG, you’re the sassy gay friend.

Me: Whoa. Deep.

38 Comments leave one →
  1. January 28, 2011 5:20 AM

    Fuck you’re funny!

  2. January 28, 2011 5:25 AM

    Yeah, I could use an emergency womb, too. Because I accidentawy shot myself in my widdle foot while hunting a wascally wabbit.

  3. Zephilla permalink
    January 28, 2011 5:33 AM

    Funny, and exceptionally clever!

  4. January 28, 2011 6:50 AM

    It’s a good thing Alexandria didn’t have a throat infection, or you might never have reached that conclusion.

  5. January 28, 2011 8:10 AM

    New T-Shirt Idea: “I Am My Own Sassy Gay Friend.” It’s a winner, I tells ya!

  6. January 28, 2011 8:53 AM

    you have a straight married audience? i missed that somehow.

  7. January 28, 2011 8:54 AM

    i went to cambodia and came back with mono, which they thought was malaria. i’m pretty sure you can’t get malaria in cambodia, but somebody needs to tell doctors in the US that, so they can stop sending us all over the place trying to find the ONE laboratory in town that can test for malaria…

    and i’ll second what nursemyra said. she and i are kind of ‘lesbian afficionados’ despite our attraction to men, so i think we get it…

  8. January 28, 2011 9:05 AM

    What’s the deal with Peoria? I have a friend from there, so I could ask him…but I’d rather ask you. You’re a better story teller.

  9. January 28, 2011 11:18 AM

    hey, i got a blog post! awesome. now if the test does come back positive, i want my own nicholas kristof column, too. like george!

  10. January 28, 2011 11:21 AM

    (also, i appear to have infected the ladies (well, lady). infected her with my awesomeness. so, test notwithstanding, i am pretty damn sure i do not have malaria. because only mosquitos transmit it, and i am not a mosquito. again: logic ftw.)

  11. January 28, 2011 11:52 AM

    Is there anyone who isn’t a fan of hot lesbian sex? I think everybody is. And the more they deny it, the bigger fan they really are.

  12. January 28, 2011 11:58 AM

    I’ve always known we’re bonded on a deep, spiritual level. And now I know why – we both have birthin’ hips.

    It’s quite the connection.


    Teva freaking rocks as Arkansas. I see a future for that one in cat/state acting.

  13. January 28, 2011 12:20 PM

    I would TOTALLY WANT you to be my sassy gay friend.

    Although, it would be even better if you could find some way to make yourself black.

    I’m just SAYIN’.

  14. January 28, 2011 12:25 PM

    I usually pride myself on being witty and quick but good lord, you just made me feel like I have buck teef and am barefoot in the snow with my overalls aka redneck and stupid.

  15. January 28, 2011 1:07 PM

    I’m pretty much up to my ass in sassy gay friends, so you are going to have to pick something else to define our “relationship”.
    Of course, one can really never have too many sassy gay friends, can one?
    Alright, carry on.

  16. January 28, 2011 1:14 PM

    Sassy friends are really the only ones worth having, in my opinion.

    Thanks for making me choke on my iced coffee a little bit. 🙂

  17. January 28, 2011 2:33 PM

    Not getting the Cloony attraction, but he is on my girlfriends “Okay to play” list. I am so relieved that you have demonstrated such a clear connection to hot lesbian sex.

  18. January 28, 2011 3:23 PM

    I’m loving the sitcom idea. I’d stream it on Hulu. Yes I would. I’m all for Elton John… but isn’t he old for a brand new baby? He’s gonna be dead by the time the kid’s in college.
    Oh, sorry. Maybe Elton John will never die. At least in your heart he won’t.

  19. January 28, 2011 3:23 PM

    Ah, shit. This is laurenne. So many personalities I have.

  20. January 28, 2011 3:53 PM

    … do people still say “hella”?

  21. January 28, 2011 4:09 PM

    my internal properties are not at all transitive today. i need more fiber.

  22. January 28, 2011 4:31 PM

    I would so watch your TV show. even if it’s censored in Arkansas. who needs Arkansas anyway? they suck.

  23. January 28, 2011 5:08 PM

    Your cat re-enactments are Legen—-wait for it—-dary! The are informative and entertaining. Your girls have an amazing grasp on Gay Rights and Topical News Stories all at the same time. I would prefer the movie version with the hot, hot lesbian sex and I’m not just saying that because I have a thing for Sandra Oh…I do…I’m just not saying it’s because of that.

  24. January 28, 2011 11:03 PM

    Wooooah. I also got sick in Cambodia! Except it was from riding side-saddle on a motorbike in heavily-trafficked back alleys after many bowlfuls of pale green banana flower lotus root soup. The drinking game questions of 2011 will move on from ‘who would you turn gay for’ to ‘who would you surrogate for?’.

  25. January 28, 2011 11:16 PM

    arkansas doesn’t count, in the grand scheme, just like arizona & alaska. alabama will fuck up again soon & we can just write off the As.

    i know these things; i’m southern.

  26. BeneathTheSpinLight permalink
    January 29, 2011 10:43 PM

    There is no doubt in my mind that I love you.

  27. Lori permalink
    January 30, 2011 1:35 AM

    Nimbus and Topaz won’t do re-enactments. They only do actments.

    Although now that I think about it, they might be decent at Kibuki theater.

  28. January 30, 2011 2:24 AM

    Congrats on being the sassy gay friend. My sassy gay friend is absolutely hilarious though, and claims it’s not an easy role to play.

    I get what you’re saying about having babies for someone else vs keeping them for yourself. My friends just had a reasonably handsome baby but it keeps getting all rashed out and has some serious dead skin.

  29. January 31, 2011 12:19 PM

    Laughing so hard, tea coming out nose.

    I’m gonna need someone to be my emergency spunk. How odd.

  30. January 31, 2011 1:10 PM

    Teva is quite a method actor. 🙂

    We will trade: I will be the frumpy bitter suburban wife. Shirley your lesbian friends are fascinated by our exciting lives. What? Not at all? *sigh*

  31. January 31, 2011 10:22 PM

    You win the prize for best post title that I’ve seen in a long while. Loved the conversation 🙂

  32. January 31, 2011 10:45 PM

    I learn such things from your blog! 1. Elton John has a baby 2. George Clooney has malaria and 3. you ARE a gay man in Peoria, IL!!

  33. January 31, 2011 11:27 PM

    “Hot, hot” is the ONLY appropriate preface for the phrase “lesbian sex.”

  34. February 1, 2011 12:22 AM

    Found your excellent blog through the lovely Nurse Myra. Playing catch up at the moment but had to say this made me laugh out loud.


  35. February 3, 2011 5:25 AM

    I must applaud Teva’s mad acting skills. She plays the role of a state very well.

    Also, I was slightly offended by the “My mostly straight, married audience” comment, and then I realised *mostly* straight… Yeah, that includes me. Awesome.

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