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Sometimes I wish my mom didn’t read my blog. Like when I design dirty valentines, for example.

February 11, 2011

I started blogging one year ago tomorrow on Feb. 12, the eve of the eve of Valentine’s Day, a hollow Hallmark holiday for the smugly coupled that’s dreaded by cat-collecting spinsters worldwide. The title of my first post was “Of the 6,692,030,277 humans on Earth as of 2008, not one wants to share VD with me.”

So much has changed since then.

For starters, there are many more humans on the planet. About 350,000 are born globally every day, and 156,000 die, which means if you multiply both numbers by 365 and then subtract there are now exactly … more-ish people than ever before to sexually reject me. Mathematically speaking.

And yet, with the odds that I am unable to calculate because I’m terrible at math stacked against me, after years of being single this blog recently led me to someone awesome who wants to share VD with me. I mean, Lindsay hasn’t actually given me VD. Yet. The blood tests are pending. But it’s totally the thought that counts. She would pass me VD if she could. It’s not for a lack of trying.

Thanks to her, even though Boston is buried under about 70 inches of snow and I’ve stopped buttoning my jeans to accommodate my winter weight, it’s difficult to be bitter about Valentine’s Day this time around. Which means my blog, like my newfound tail and the world’s population, is evolving. Unless you don’t buy into evolution. Then I’ll try to put it in terms you’ll understand. I’m reaching a turning point akin to the Biblical story of the Garden of Eden in which a loquacious serpent sways Eve, who was created by God from Adam‘s rib, into sinking her teeth into the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Sure, that’s more believable.

AWC 2.0 might be a little lighter on the heartbreak if I play my cards right. Then again, that’s kind of a gamble, because I don’t actually know how to play cards at all.

But I’ve been wanting to start designing cards for a while, so as a way to celebrate our blogiversary, Teva, Isabel and I have whipped up a few mildly offensive valentines just for you.  If your others have lacked significance lately, we hope these will tide you over until you find the one human out of nearly 7 trillion who makes you want to clap for joy. Or who would selflessly give you the clap. Both, if you’re very lucky.

(front above; inside below)

(front above; inside below)

Sorry, Mom.

(front above; inside below)

You’re welcome, kittens.

50 Comments leave one →
  1. February 11, 2011 7:29 AM

    A case of veni, VD, vici?

  2. February 11, 2011 7:34 AM

    I am stealing the dirty one. Thank you. (and mom’s should know better than to EVER read their offspring’s blog–duh.)

  3. February 11, 2011 7:48 AM

    these are lovely… a proper balance of ‘cute’, ‘ saucy’ and ‘pervy’, with just a hint of ‘cheek tonguing’…

    hmmm…. i think i’m going to use that description for my next wine tasting.

  4. February 11, 2011 7:59 AM

    Your Mum was right to not let you go on Facebook.

    Having said that, I am VERY proud of the cards you made today.

  5. February 11, 2011 8:00 AM

    Don’t know how to tell you this, but not only does my mom read MY blog, she also reads yours. So yeah, you said pussy to my mom. SWEET!

  6. February 11, 2011 8:07 AM

    I thought you had been blogging forever!!!! Happy Blog-O-Versary and the shower one and the last one are my faves!!!!

    Definitely “Hallmark Moments!” lol

  7. February 11, 2011 8:53 AM

    Love the last card!

    And as for your mom, I’d be happy to break her in for you. I’ll come visit for a week and she’ll pretend I’m her daughter. By the time I leave she’ll be BEGGING to read your sweet, wholesome blog. 🙂

  8. February 11, 2011 9:36 AM

    Love the cards! You need to sell these on Zazzle or something like it!

    xo Susie

  9. February 11, 2011 9:40 AM

    Happy Blog birthday!
    Happy Valentine’s Day!
    Yes! Zazzle!

  10. February 11, 2011 10:13 AM

    Man, I don’t think *anybody* watches me in the bath.


  11. February 11, 2011 10:45 AM

    Ha. Great chuckle again, and the cards are brilliant.

  12. February 11, 2011 11:31 AM

    The last two are great! LOL

  13. February 11, 2011 11:31 AM

    Can you guess which of these cards I’d give you?

  14. February 11, 2011 12:00 PM

    Sigh. This brings up memories of happier times, before the traumatic plastic bag incident, when Obi would supervise my showers. Good times. Good times.

    The Boy calls it “Singles Awareness Day.” At least he did while he was single. Now he wants to celebrate this Valentine’s Day thing…I keep pretending I’ve never heard of it.

    I add my vote to Zazzling!

  15. February 11, 2011 12:03 PM

    Mostly I’m sitting here relieved that this disturbing voyeuristic sink-sleeping behavior in my cats is not abnormal.

    Except for the last picture. My cats NEVER cuddle.

    Ever. Once. Before Nimbus got bigger than Topaz. Then, all bets off.

    But in addition to that, I’m happy that you’ve got someone to make obscene VD cards for.

    And now I think that that last sentence looks kind of weird.

  16. Dear Sweet Mama permalink
    February 11, 2011 1:20 PM

    I am sure yer mama is as proud as punch of you as I am of Hoody. It is so much better than having a child on America’s Most Wanted. Though then again, that makes you sound very popular so that might be okay as well.

  17. February 11, 2011 2:01 PM

    i’m laughing so hard right now but trying to keep it quiet so I’m pretty sure I’m going to burst a vessel in my head but…

    Congrats on 2.0 being less alone… with… etc. and thanks for the great VD cards.

  18. That Girl permalink
    February 11, 2011 3:47 PM

    These are the best VD cards I’ve ever seen.

  19. February 11, 2011 4:01 PM

    “Sorry Mom” had me in stitches! Nice one!

  20. February 11, 2011 4:07 PM

    LOL…I like your cards and will print one out to share with my wife. I’ll go with the sink one and hope I get lucky, lol. Happy VD to you and Lindsay!

  21. February 11, 2011 5:57 PM

    i wrote something so tawdry, i had to erase it. esp if you’re mom is reading… 🙂

    i hope you and your special lady spread VD love far and wide!

  22. February 11, 2011 9:50 PM

    the last one is my fave! it’s funny ’cause it’s true.

  23. February 11, 2011 10:57 PM

    Oh very funny – those cards are great!

  24. February 11, 2011 11:01 PM

    awesome cards & congrats on 1 year.

  25. February 12, 2011 12:40 AM

    I bet if you uploaded those onto one of those sell-self-designed-stuff websites and slapped a price tag on them, they’d help fund some sight-seeing north of the border. Hell, I’d buy at least one of them!

    See? I read, even if I don’t always comment!

  26. February 12, 2011 5:23 AM

    Happy Valentine’s day.
    It’s funny how this day has evolved and what has becomed, now it’s some sort of emotionoal-consumtion mix.

    cute cards!

  27. February 12, 2011 6:26 AM

    Haha, these are the best valentines cards I’ve ever seen! You should definitely be selling them!

  28. February 12, 2011 7:19 AM

    I’m a mum to many and I read your Blog too. Don’t let us mothers cramp your style. Those cards would sell, I guarantee.

  29. February 12, 2011 8:38 AM

    Awesome cards!

  30. February 12, 2011 10:21 AM

    Holy crap that second one has me in stitches. I’m telling everyone I know. You rock at cards!

  31. February 12, 2011 10:33 PM

    Not sure if my Jazzy will pose for card-making, but I’m so impressed by your efforts. Enjoy the sappy, happy occasion!

  32. February 13, 2011 1:35 AM

    Best VD cards EVAR. I would instantly marry anyone who would give me a card like that.

  33. February 13, 2011 1:24 PM

    Love the cards!

  34. February 13, 2011 5:09 PM

    How do I order? I want the wet pussy. I mean, I want a . . . you know what? Just bag them all and send them to me.


  35. February 13, 2011 9:39 PM

    Now why can’t I find cards like these – would make VD much more interesting and fun.


  36. February 13, 2011 11:26 PM

    I have something very important to show you. Now, maybe you’ve discovered this already, or maybe not. But just in case, you should probably sit down. I won’t tell you how I found it, although you can probably guess. Okay, are you ready? Here it is:

    Happy Valentines Day!

  37. February 14, 2011 7:56 PM

    I WANT VD!
    It would make a great coming-of-sexual-age story and then I could finally get a book deal.
    Speaking of deals, I say you go work for Hallmark. Or Bald Guy greetings! YEs! Do it.
    Maybe they have offices that were designed within this century:

    Also, if it’s not insulting to you, I would like to say that Julie Andrews has some great tits!

  38. February 14, 2011 9:59 PM

    you, my friend, are one brave-ass blogger to do pussy jokes w/your mom reading. kudos 😉

  39. February 15, 2011 11:19 AM

    Holy Crap!!! I have to have that last one!!!!! Hahahahahaha!!!!

  40. February 16, 2011 5:08 PM


  41. February 16, 2011 8:19 PM

    I’ve been reading since (almost) the beginning. May it continue to be as awesome forever.

  42. February 18, 2011 3:13 PM

    Congrats on the anniversary! And all the evolving… love me some evolution… and the cards… amazing… can I put in an order soon?

  43. February 18, 2011 5:07 PM

    Best. Valentines. Cards. Ever.

  44. February 18, 2011 7:54 PM

    I’d like to order six of the in sink cards, please.

    Yes, I realize Valentine’s Day is over, but let’s face it: Boy bands never go out of style.

    Nor do wet pussies.

    Or, so I’ve heard. (It’s been a while.)

  45. BeneathTheSpinLight permalink
    February 21, 2011 11:14 PM

    Please make these Valentine’s Day cards! I’ll buy a baker’s dozen of each for next year!
    I hope you had a great Valentine’s Day with Lindsay! 😉

  46. February 24, 2011 2:45 AM

    I so want to send some of those Alabama valentines to some of my cousins! I don’t think they’ll get it though, they’re kind of retarded. Not surprisingly, they are from Alabama.

  47. March 3, 2011 2:58 AM

    LOVE THESE CARDS! Your mom would be proud. Really. Esp. it shows how witty and smart you are with the In Sink one.

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