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This all pretty much goes without saying

May 19, 2011

Remember when I said that I’m ready to start dating again? Neither do I. That doesn’t sound like something I would say.

“Yes, I do have very bushy arm hair. Thank you for noticing, kind sir.”

“I tried that brand of tampon once, but my cats didn’t like it.”

“Does this cellulite make me look fat?”

“The last time I was winning at sex, Charlie Sheen still starred in the highest-rated sitcom on television.”

“I’m not sad. This is just my face.”

“My misanthropy is often mistaken for racism. But I promote equality by hating everyone.”

“Don’t throw away that cellophane. I’m saving it to wrap my cats.”

Those? Sound like me.

Why is cat-wrapping not sweeping the nation?

And yet, here we are. I recently went on three dates with a 29-year-old photographer named Kim. It was pretty clear from the get-go that we were looking for different things. She’d make remarks such as: “Relationships are too much work,” “I sleep on a mattress on the floor,” “I’m an alcoholic” and “We’re looking for different things.” I may have naively overlooked those subtle and nuanced warning signs in years past, but now you have to be pretty quick to pull a fast one on ol’ Jess.

Despite the umpteen turn-offs, I continued to spend time with her. I suppose that I was trying to keep an open mind. Or that I really wanted to make out with her. Or that I was hoping she’d take some professional-grade portraits of Isabel and Teva. Mostly just that last one.

During our third date, we went to a matinee and ate an early dinner. Not yet ready to call it a night, we ventured back to my apartment for a drink. Kim made herself comfortable on my couch, her lacy black bra accidentally on purpose peeking out of her low-cut tank. Teva, in what now can be described only as an act of defiance, twice licked her arm before curling up in her lap.

It was one of those awkward date moments. I felt as though I should probably kiss her, but as a rule I don’t make first moves. Because I’m spineless. At least that’s the excuse I formerly used before I found out my backbone is super long and apparently ends in a tail. Now I have to re-evaluate.

So we continued chatting. Before long, she asked, “Hey, remember that story you told me about how that one girl waited four dates to tell you that she was seeing someone else? I should probably tell you I’m seeing someone else.”

I felt like snapping, Get your hands off my cats. Spit my cab franc back into the bottle so I can drink it later. Get out.

What I actually said was, “More wine?”

(I may not be jaundice or Asian or a rabid dog shot dead in a Disney film, but I am most definitely yellow-bellied.)

Then Kim confided, “I really hope the other girl doesn’t fall in love with me.”

Yeah. Love. God forbid. Gross. Who wants that? Me Freddie Mercury in “Somebody to Love” Me Not me, that’s for sure.

She stayed a little while longer, ruminating on her long-running devotion to gin and very brief dalliances with dating, before I walked her to the Red Line. We hugged goodbye.

Only my cat licked my date that night.

There you go. Now that totally sounds like something I would say.

P.S. Like Blogger, WordPress was wonky last week and did not send out email notifications about my last post. If you feel so inclined, scroll down and check it out. It features a photo of a very adorable baby. And also a human child.

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41 Comments leave one →
  1. May 19, 2011 4:25 AM

    Too bad you didn’t also tell her the story about the girl who waited until the fourth date to take professional-quality photos of Isabel and Teva.

  2. May 19, 2011 4:31 AM

    Damn… you do meet an odd assortment of people but they do seem to inspire great posts. I did almost get coffee all over my keyboard in work (not that I ever read posts in work…) when reading: “Only my cat licked my date that night.” Fabulous! Now I have to get a new coffee and not scare co-workers with hysterical laughter… for a little while anyway.

  3. May 19, 2011 6:17 AM

    i make my declarations before the first date. about my lack of interest in a real relationship and that i’m seeing other people. not about cat photography.

  4. May 19, 2011 7:08 AM

    2 things — one, I always have to say “I’m not pissed off. That’s just my face,” over and over until people asking why I’m pissed actually GETS me pissed. Vicious cycle.

    And two — hey, you know how to keep that other girl from falling in love with you, Kim? STOP DATING HER!

    Hang in there, baby — you’ve always got me to fall over, I mean, BACK on!

  5. tershbango permalink
    May 19, 2011 8:27 AM

    If I were a single lesbian I’d stalk you like a shadow. You make me laugh so hard!! And that? Is hot. 🙂

  6. May 19, 2011 9:05 AM

    Any date is a good date. It builds up your tolerance. Seriously…think of ho hum dates as an innoculation process…

    xo Susie

    • May 20, 2011 8:00 AM

      Susie, you have put this piece of excellent advice succinctly – from now on, you should be called Spot On Susie.

  7. May 19, 2011 10:50 AM

    tershbango said it pretty well up there *points* except in my case I’m bi – not lesbian – although I AM single (and I wouldn’t stalk so much as admire you from afar – but I also wouldn’t have said no to date number five either…)

    *grin* (Just sayin’)

    After all – it’s just me here alone with three cats, one dog and two teenagers (Oh – but I AM Canadian so I guess that’s a mark against me already *sad shrug*)

    Maybe I could play up the native north American/french angle of my ethnicity and the ‘Canadian’ part would be less of an impediment?

    On a more serious note?

    Your cat probably thought she tasted nasty. (trust your cat – they always look out for you)

    M.L.

    • May 20, 2011 8:02 AM

      Hi ML, I like your Canadian wistfulness and older women. Plus, I like your latest villanelle on your blog!

      • May 21, 2011 10:41 AM

        *shy grin*

        You read that?

        *blush*

        Maybe I should show you a picture and you can see if I’m your type.

        🙂

        How DID you get your cat to pose wearing the plastic wrap btw? That is kind of amazing.

        If I had tried that my cat (Zoe) would have waited till I was sleeping and suffocated me. (she was a rescued kitty and has a few issues)

        M.L.

      • May 21, 2011 10:50 AM

        P.S. Sorry Mitzi – the plastic wrap part of the comment was for alonewithcats – I just had my life flash before my eyes again seeing the sweet look on her cat’s face…here that look means death to all if Zoe is wearing it.

  8. May 19, 2011 12:15 PM

    People. Hope she drank too much of your cab franc and got sick riding the T home.

  9. May 19, 2011 12:35 PM

    Not to give you a big head or anything, but this?:

    “And yet, here we are. I recently went on three dates with a 29-year-old photographer named Kim. It was pretty clear from the get-go that we were looking for different things. She’d make remarks such as: “Relationships are too much work,” “I sleep on a mattress on the floor,” “I’m an alcoholic” and “We’re looking for different things.””

    I thought I was reading a novel/memoir/otherwise-funny book by rich and famous author.

    Okay, go ahead and get a big head about it.

  10. May 19, 2011 2:10 PM

    my cat sometimes paws at Mister Me’s crotch while fixing me with a challenging stare. sometimes? they are traitors.

  11. Dizzy permalink
    May 19, 2011 2:54 PM

    I tried to tell you to just skip the dating and jump right into bed with ppl and then you wouldn’t have to listen to someone blather on (while also one-upping Teva)… but nobody ever listens to me… probably because I’m too busy gettin’ busy.

  12. May 19, 2011 3:01 PM

    Oh good grief. What is wrong with people?! I think your stories are making my old dating PTSD flare up.

  13. May 19, 2011 3:12 PM

    (1.) It would be stranger if your date licked your cat.
    (2.) I’m oddly disappointed your date did not lick your cat.
    (3.) I was laughed at for using the word ‘wonky’ this past Friday night.
    (4.) I read this entire post while Freddie Mercury’s “Somebody to Love Me” was playing.
    (5.) Just kidding. It was Bruno Mars “I wanna marry you.” But it’s kind of the same.

  14. May 19, 2011 4:27 PM

    I’m sad that your dating life fills you with woe, but sadly thrilled that your dating life offers up these gems. Seriously.

    Your writing? Brilliant and divine.

    • May 20, 2011 8:05 AM

      I too feel guilty that AWCs’ dating life, not always enjoyable, has yielded super amazing enjoyable reading. Fortunately, other topics such as medical anomalies and maternal musings also make for totes hilay reading, good material for such times, as will surely come, of happy dates yet to come and possibly stay.

  15. May 19, 2011 4:59 PM

    Don’t make it more than it is, cats lick THEIR ASSHOLES.

    Also, yeah, what dizzy said, I agree that getting to know someone is just code for “never getting laid again”…oh, as is “monogamy”.

    Also you are a really sweet and cool person. In my experience this means you can either one) be celibate, or b)just explore your kinky side with randoms at their place, so they can never find you again when you are done playing with them.

    Jaded much? Yes, yes I am. See b.

  16. May 19, 2011 5:02 PM

    Lurk (or otherwise) here: http://www.reddit.com/r/actuallesbians

  17. May 19, 2011 5:02 PM

    Well… at least she wasn’t necking ket for funzies… And that’s good thing, right?

    BTW, you still have way, way, way more dates than I do. I’d do anything for a date even if it was a date with someone who was seeing someone else and not looking for a relationship. Actually, no, that would finish me off I think.

  18. May 19, 2011 8:09 PM

    Get out of town! Despite liking the opposite animals (dogs vs cats) we are living the same life. The last person I considered having a relationship with -months ago- also told me he was seeing other women too. Or at least he wanted to “get to know lots of people at the same time.” Whether he managed it or not I don’t know. Hope not.
    I wish you’d used that first line you came up with; I will file it away in case it is useful for me at some point. Highly likely.
    Josie x

  19. May 20, 2011 3:04 AM

    Every once and a while, when I’m feeling perticularily depressed about the whole dating thing, I start to think that maybe it would be easier if I was a lesbian. We’d be two girls so we’d have that in common, a good place to start (just like at the beginning with A-B-C), and then I wouldn’t have to deal with stinky, stupid boys.

    Then I read your posts and remember that it’s the exact same shit, just with less penis. I work with mostly women and I hate almost all of them, why do I think they’d be any easier to date? Because we both have boobs? Newt Gingrich has boobs and I don’t have anything in common with him.

    I’ve done too many bad things in my misspent youth to become a nun (well, that and the whole ‘don’t believe in God’ thing) even if I do know all the lyrics to Sound of Music (and went on the tour in Salzburg–twice) but crazy cat lady/shut in/neighbourhood witch is starting to look pretty appealing.

    PS. How do you get cellophane around your cats without losing a finger? I would really appreciate some pointers. My Saturday nights have been a bit boring as of late.

    • May 20, 2011 5:13 PM

      I love this comment.

      My cats are EXTREMELY good-natured and let me indulge all my desires to dress them up and treat them like my pretty princesses. I don’t know how I got so lucky to have such sweet cats, but I suspect the trade-off is that my dating life is a shit show.

  20. May 20, 2011 8:17 AM

    AWC/Jess, I am going to write you a sex-positive happy-dating song based on the shabbas song melody for Lechai Dodi Likrat Kalah (“welcome the sabbath bride”)… A+ for giving the photographer a go. She may also have only had two dates with the other person who probably was just using her for random rope bondage activities and festish photography skills, so if that is “seeing someone”, well, there’s still a lot of love and trust that hasn’t yet put the relationship stamp on that picture. Like Spot-on-Susie said, shore up your immunity! Sit tall in that saddle and go get yourself a fresh heart to break.

  21. May 20, 2011 8:20 AM

    Stuff like that should come out right away, not a few dates in.

    I thought of you and your cats this week. My cat was playing in my bookbag, and she drapped out a tampon. She’s been playing with that all week. I guess she likes the noise the wrapper makes.

  22. May 20, 2011 4:15 PM

    Hang in there. When I think of some of the dates I’ve been on I’m like…yikes! You’ll find your pearl 🙂 Who knows…maybe her name will be Pearl?

  23. May 20, 2011 8:08 PM

    Hopefully she is allergic to cat spit and will end up with a huge, festering, fast spreading boil that can not be cured where the cat licked her.

    —– too harsh?

  24. May 20, 2011 8:24 PM

    I am publicly asking you out on a date in July. I’ll even fly to the other side of the world for it. And I’ll bring photos of my parrot to occupy your cats while you show me your tail. Trust me, I’m a nurse.

  25. May 20, 2011 8:52 PM

    dude, you are the very definition of awesome. that is all.

  26. May 22, 2011 5:50 PM

    CAB FRANC IS MY FAVORITE WINE!!!! I can’t believe you wasted it on that slut.

    I also happen to love bushy arm hair. And misanthropes.
    Who doesn’t? Dumb people, that’s who.

  27. May 22, 2011 8:15 PM

    Oliver never kissed my dates, but he always took a swig of their beer. That’s a great way to weed out the winners from the losers.

    Now instead of using the excuse that you’re spineless, you can say you’re part cat. Cats never make the first move. In fact, you have to work really hard to be allowed to make the first move with them.

  28. May 23, 2011 1:15 PM

    holy shit, if one more stranger tells me to give him a smile, i’m going to bash his head in. I HAVE BITCHFACE, OKAY?! it’s better than juggalette face or eggplant face.
    s

  29. May 25, 2011 3:44 PM

    Bloody hell, I accidentally deleted my comment. I must have had too much fury in my fingers after reading the “We’re looking for different things” part.

    Of course you’re looking for different things. She should be looking for a f*cking therapist, not to mention a shirt that conceals her bra.

    Come to Canada. I’ll hook you up. And not with a crazy, either.

  30. May 25, 2011 11:30 PM

    Ugh why is dating so HARD!

    I applaud you for getting back into the game, though. I’m slowly started to get back in….but…slowly. I haven’t had a date, yet alone three, in like eight months! :X

    I think you should start an “Alone with Cats” support group where single cat lovers can unite and bitch about their lives. I’d be the first to sign up. 🙂

  31. May 27, 2011 2:21 PM

    I think you are my favourite funny blogger. You are definitely my favourite lesbian blogger. Which is a massive compliment even though I’m pretty sure you’re the only lesbian blogger I know/follow.

    My ex is gay. Unfortunately, I am not which means that my ex is a dude that digs other dudes. He is my favourite ex. COINCIDENCE?

    I’m not quite sure where this comment is going…

  32. May 30, 2011 10:39 PM

    Awesome blogging

  33. June 6, 2011 10:10 PM

    oh lordy. you do find some winners, don’t you? i didn’t think it was possible, but the girls may be worse in boston than they are here in baltimore. if you’re into weaves. which…aren’t you? your cats might really love a good weave to play in.

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