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Oh, OkCupid. You know me so well.

May 31, 2011

OkCupid, the online dating site I joined to be sexually rejected by the dregs of society, has a lame feature called Quickmatch. It’s basically the web equivalent of speed dating, but without all the hassle of leaving your “FarmVille” crops unattended, putting on pants and crawling out of your grandmother’s basement. Can’t pry your greasy fingers from that 4-gallon tub of extra-heavy mayo long enough to hunt-and-peck “your pretty lol” and click send? Quickmatch is for you, future ex-girlfriend.

With Quickmatch, you simply look at someone’s profile and then rate it on a scale of one to five. If you award high marks, OkCupid sends out an email letting the lucky lady know. Easy! Like A-B-C. And Sunday morning. And Kim Kardashian.

Now here’s when it gets tricky: OkCupid won’t reveal your identity right away. It is Quickmatch in name only. If only gays were playing, I’d suggest the site call the circuitous game Slow’mo.

To keep the mystery alive – or more likely to piss away everyone’s time – your crush will receive a note containing nine usually ghastly profile images arranged like the opening sequence of “The Brady Bunch” gone horrifically wrong. Hidden among the photos is sometimes (inexplicably) her own, and another is yours, her secret admirer. In order to possibly connect with you sometime before the next Rapture doesn’t happen, she must log in to the site, start randomly rating profiles, and if she gives you a rave review, only then will she find out that the mood lighting in her photos deceived you into believing she isn’t a huffy hipster with horseface. You’ll both get another email confirming the mutual interest. After all of that, there’s no guarantee one of you will nut up and actually contact the other. Which you could have done (or not done) in the first place without Quickmatch. Which I’m pretty sure is proof OkCupid wants you to stay single forever. 

In terms that Al Gore could relate to, Quickmatch is sort of like how America chooses its presidents. You can win the popular vote but still lose the election, leading you to pack on pounds, cry eco-friendly tears and grow a beard. Which is coincidentally my preferred method of coping with breakups, minus the facial scruff. Because I got laser hair removal am a girl.

No matter how many messages I get congratulating me on being rated four or five stars like a fucking Best Western on Yelp, I never play along. The short answer is because I think the process is really stupid. The long answer is because I think the process is really, really stupid.

But that all changed the other day when I was dispatched this intriguing batch of potential suitors:

OkCupid has finally figured out what makes me purr.

In terms Al Gore could relate to, I don’t see a bush that would be a viable candidate.

But there are three pussies pictured that I’d be totally interested in petting, and that’s not even counting my own.

46 Comments leave one →
  1. May 31, 2011 4:49 AM

    Yep staying single sounds more and more tempting! Your brilliantand laugh-out-loud description of dating sites most definitely makes me seriously considering staying single with cats in the foreseeable future.

    Maybe a dating site focusing on cats would be a good business idea…

  2. May 31, 2011 4:49 AM

    Ok not counting the three furrballs you’re the pick of the bunch baby. but I think Ms Top Right is pretty cute as well…..

  3. May 31, 2011 5:48 AM

    I’d rule out the woman in the very center. I think you should hold out for someone who can think of a pose that doesn’t involve getting cat hair in her eye.

  4. May 31, 2011 6:46 AM

    Gotta say, bottom left is not bad — and since I think she’s cute, she’s undoubtedly a crazy crackhead. Shame you can’t just go out with yourself, I mean, OkCupid seems to think it’s a great idea!

    • 34124 permalink
      July 14, 2011 9:31 PM

      Which leads me to my original starting point, Hoody truly does love herself, and those who are overly infatuated with their every thought as they think it, to a slightly lesser degree. You would think all the energy spent on trying to convey this to lower life forms could be spent on more masturbatory endeavors and spare those little fingers from all of that clacking in vain (mrrrrah, no pun intended….hrmm hrrmm hrmmmmm).

  5. May 31, 2011 6:55 AM

    when i was on OKCupid, i liked the quickmatch. if you click on the pictures in the e-mail, the ‘mystery admirer’ pops up within the first few quickmatches. my secret trick? keep the e-mail open – when a match popped up with a pic from the e-mail collage? there’s the culprit!

    but yeah… i don’t think the “do you like me, check yes or no” approach is any more effective than stalking profiles…

  6. May 31, 2011 6:56 AM

    Funny! I deleted my acount just yesterday. You should be so lucky to be gay. It’s hard on okcupid for straight girls cause we get like 3 message a day (some of us ajajjaa) from dudes that we do not relate at all :S telling us all the dirty things they want to do O.O

    Like for instance a 45 year old guy telling me (i’m 24) really dirty shit. And my profile pic isn’t even sexy. U can barely see my face and my laptop.

    All that aside, every once in a while there was a cute maybe smart guy talking to me about whatever (and i was enjoying the whatever part) buuuuuut then when we met in person OMG!! I could only think OKcupid you’ve outdone yourself again v____v

    So i gave up hope and after lots of bad dates i don’t trust the site’s matching skills. I’ve decided i’m gonna met my “prince charming” oldstyle in a bar hahahaha!!

    Good luck with your ladies!

  7. May 31, 2011 7:29 AM

    The kitty in the middle is the best looking kitty there. I have a thing for orange cats.

  8. May 31, 2011 8:07 AM

    “I agree with nurse Myra” says Mitzi g burger on this iPad. “I’d date the left column, seduce two thirds of the bottom row and propose to the lass at top right after a torrid affair with top centre,” she added perfunctorily. Bottom right is the hottest. Great photo.

  9. May 31, 2011 8:27 AM

    PS it’d be really funny if one of the non-you 8 saw themselves (or their cat) on your blog.

  10. May 31, 2011 8:33 AM

    Wow, it seems like it would be a lot easier to give yourself 5 stars, then show significant interest when you receive your profile in email and THEN buy a vibrator and consumate the deal.
    I thought online dating was supposed to take the ridiculousness out of dating?

  11. May 31, 2011 9:58 AM

    I love how the girl in the bottom-left corner has obviously cut her ex out of the photo she posted, and how the otherwise interesting girl with the natural is wearing giant, crazy-eye hiding sunglasses.

    I think this is your funniest post to date. You should have a blog on After Ellen or somethng, srsly.

    • May 31, 2011 10:04 AM

      ps…reposted to cuz I’m a giver like that…uh, now I wonder if there will be a stampede of lezzies to your site, like that one time the fundie Christians amassed here. Oops?
      Or happy accident?

    • claire permalink
      May 31, 2011 10:22 AM

      Alyxmyself…this comment rocks because you managed to keep me busy for a full two minutes. Why? Left and right confuses me every. single. time. *BUT* I didn’t realise I’d gotten it wrong for a while because BOTH the girl on the bottom left and bottom right (yes you Jessica) have surplus females cut out of the shot…mehehehe, snicker snicker. I feel as proud as Nancy Drew for figuring out the puzzles I create for myself:) It’s the small things…(*sighs contentedly*)

  12. May 31, 2011 10:14 AM

    wow. just wow. you are so, ah, comparatively normal. run away!

  13. May 31, 2011 10:25 AM

    I agree with those who think you should rank yourself as the hottest. Why? Because it’s true. Because it’s funny. And because it could start some great vortex of internet dating sites…

    I also think the girl on the top right is adorable.

  14. May 31, 2011 10:30 AM

    This sounds ridiculous.

    I am so glad I met my spouse online nearly ten years ago, before it was normal.

    Because if this is normal, I want no part of it.

    Also? Foxy lady, you!

  15. May 31, 2011 10:41 AM

    Waaaaay too much pussy in that grid for me.

  16. May 31, 2011 12:46 PM

    I don’t know what’s wrong with you. That sounds like a fool-proof way to find your soulmate.

  17. May 31, 2011 1:14 PM

    oh, it really is opening sequence of “the brady bunch” gone terribly, horribly wrong.

  18. Dizzy permalink
    May 31, 2011 1:16 PM

    You know what would be even worse than having a mystery admirer? If OkCupid turned that cube of pics into a word problem… you know, the ones that go something like,

    “The person who likes you is to the left of someone with glasses, but is not wearing glasses. The person with a cat who is also a vegetarian is one square away from your admirer, but there are only two vegetarians in the cube. One of the vegetarians has bangs. The other vegetarian has a cat photo. There is a black & white pic in the same row as your future date. Using the clues available, which is OkCupid’s match for you?”

    None of that probably adds up to one person, because I, too, suck at math, but I thought it up just for you. But you hate math, so maybe I should apologize.

    Anyway, what was my point? I got caught up in creating a dating-cube-puzzle.

  19. May 31, 2011 2:02 PM

    You’re just so adorable. Even while crying eco friendly tears, I bet you are still adorable.

  20. May 31, 2011 4:13 PM

    Love it. You capture the ridiculousness of Quickmatch so well!

    Ok, why so many woman with kitties covering their faces? Quick nooo!

  21. May 31, 2011 4:35 PM

    Damn it – I was hoping OKcupid would be my ticket to sharing my…

    (Whoops – almost typed that and hit send before thinking it through all the way)

    …love of cats.


    P.S.? Maybe they should launch a sister site and call it OKstupid – it seems to be what speed dating is all about anyway.

  22. May 31, 2011 5:24 PM

    I agree with Jennifer…the pussy in the middle is the cutest. As for the humans who knows. I’ve found what people find attractive in other people odd. When I posed this question to my wife she told me she was attracted to me because I love to read as much as she does, lol. Apparently I’m not hot…just literate 😉

  23. May 31, 2011 8:53 PM

    Seriously – you’re a total doll.

    I did a whole bunch of dating sites at one time because what if my soulmate was on match while I was on e-harmony – that would be silly so I also did bostonsingles but I never did okcupid… or did I … I really can’t remember now.

    Anyway, this thing they’re doing is too much like a game show – I agree with Kit – online dating really should be more direct… you can’t very well say they’re not into playing (head) games when the site is all about parlor tricks and (like daisyfae said) check this box (literally and apparently euphemistically).

  24. Dear Sweet Mama permalink
    May 31, 2011 8:55 PM

    You do know Hoody now has 4 cats, is fairly funny, drinks like a mule and is smart, right? Not that I am pimping out my daughter, oh no, not me.

  25. June 1, 2011 1:35 PM

    1. You are smoking hot.
    2. You seem to have hit the pussy jackpot here.
    3. Seriously, OKCupid? I didn’t put that much effort into bagging my husband [$1 pitchers and loose morals].
    4. When do we get to be neighbors and BFFs? Because I miss you.

  26. June 1, 2011 9:08 PM

    3 out of 9 with cats! Well, 8, not counting you. Pretty good odds!

  27. June 2, 2011 12:29 PM

    The whole process makes me sweat. I hate tests. It’s like “pick the right one and fall happily-ever-after in love! Pick the wrong one and spend your life blogging about your Alone with cats existance.” (See how I did that? Included your blog title *in* the comment? I can be witty when not being tested.) How can someone NOT think that’s stupid. And full of unwarranted pressure. Also, I would totally give you more stars than a Best Western.

  28. June 2, 2011 2:04 PM

    I opened an OKCupid account about a month ago, and after receiving messages with possibly THE worst grammatical/spelling errors in the world, I took the picture off my profile and wept for humanity.

    What you need to do is go on ! You basically rate people based on what they look like, and THEN if you both agree that you’re both attractive, you get to see their profile/contact information. It makes being superficial fun (lulz)! I tried it out and actually met a really cool Dutch guy who has introduced me to some new bands, so…can’t complain? lol

  29. June 2, 2011 2:11 PM

    Haha, I just wrote a post about my online dating entertainment. OkCupid is the best of the free ones around me, but it’s just been hilarious what they think is appropriate. Then the messages you receive. “Hey, my entire profile is about wanting a serious relationship, but do you want to just have some casual sex despite having 90 miles and my giant chin between us?” No, I’ll pass.

    I like how the cat in the beginning of the middle row is obviously saying “What the fuck, I was sleeping!” as she is held in front of the camera.

  30. June 3, 2011 6:44 AM

    Oh, the fun never stops. So sad we don’t have OKCupid in Oz. . . so sad. I’d join a dating site that used Dizzy’s idea. . .
    But, reading the fine print, I think you can play the system: if you log on and then rate EVERYONE as fabulous, you’re bound to get a match coz the fine prints says: Somewhere in the first few people you rate will be your match.
    No? I probably didn’t understand how it works. Or is it so obvious no one else bothered to comment on it? OK, gotta go and look at some men on Oz dating sites that are far too old n’ ugly for me now. . have fun!

  31. June 6, 2011 10:13 PM

    okcupid needs to be elbowed in the mouth. also “huffy hipster with horseface.” hah. i so love that.

  32. June 6, 2011 11:26 PM

    “Quickmatch is for you, future ex-girlfriend.”

    Best. Slogan. Ever.

    Obviously, you’re the best catch (no offense, pussies). But it’s probably a good thing. That way you don’t have to worry about primping before the date.

    Felines aside, I say lower left looks promising. But maybe that’s because she looks like a friend of mine.

  33. June 7, 2011 10:08 AM

    Ugh, I always feel like a horrible, horrible person after a few minutes (at least twenty) on Quickmatch. It’s funny. After a while, the reasons people get higher rankings from me begin to change. “Oh, you’re pretty but your OKC name is 2sexii4u? One star… Hmm, it says you’re into death metal but you have a cute cat? Five stars.”

  34. June 7, 2011 5:10 PM

    So all it takes is a pussy to seduce you? Hmmm.

  35. June 12, 2011 7:09 AM

    You’re definitely the hottest of that whole bunch… But I’m kind of wary of the folk who used their moggy for their profile photo. It kind of smacks of “I’m not cute, but my cat really is.”

    And I’m only at liberty to say this because all my profile pictures are of me collapsed on the floor in a heap, or of me covering my face with a dictionary. There’s a reason.

    Sadly, there are very few people who find dictionarys cute.

  36. June 16, 2011 5:05 PM

    bahahahaah this is perfect.
    i’m obsessed with scrabble (shhh…) and i found these awesome throw pillows for your couch the other day that were scrabble-themed and spelled out “ME & U,” but it quickly dawned on me that i live alone with my crazy cat, roux, so i would have to order pillows that spell “ME & ROUX”…
    i’ve resigned myself to a life of cat companionship, let’s be honest here

  37. BeneathTheSpinLight permalink
    June 20, 2011 12:28 AM

    Oh how I’ve missed you!

  38. June 27, 2011 7:23 PM

    Hhaha this is great. Glad to see your matches on cupid are better suited for you than mine ever were, my cupid set me up with dudes who may have been tiny midgets with Indiana Jones fetishes. Not that there’s anything wrong with either of those two qualities, but it just isn’t my thaaang. happy hunting for Miss Right! 🙂

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