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Nothing you could say could tear me away from my cats (my cats)

June 9, 2011

Conversation with my friend Dana, who, like me, is over 30, single, gay, Jewish and would totally pack it in and become a cat lady if her landlord weren’t such a dick about it:

Me: You and I can’t even lose faith in dating and become nuns. It’s like we have no options at all.

Dana: We can invent a gay Jewish nunnery.

Me: Will there be cats there?

Dana: Duh.

Me: Then I may have already invented a gay Jewish nunnery. It’s known in some circles as “my apartment.”

Dana: There aren’t nearly enough gay Jews there. It’s a Jessery.

Me: It’s always been a dream of mine to have my name forever associated with a vow of chastity.

Dana: As your blog name attests.

Me: Damn my self-fulfilling prophecy. Oh, in the Jessery, you’re allowed and encouraged to say “damn.”

Dana: Of course. Your house, your rules.

Me: Actually, those who don’t take the name in vain of the lord I don’t believe in are not welcome.

Dana: God.

Me: Also, I envision my gay Jewish nunnery being pretty much exactly like “Sister Act.” I mean, hello, Whoopi GOLDBERG? And I think we’ve all wondered about which, uh, choir she sings for.

Dana: Mmhmm.

Me: But not “Sister Act 2.” Unless, instead of helping troubled misfit inner-city youths clean up the ‘hood, save their school from closure and discover their sensational singing talents by performing hip-hop twinged gospel hymns, the nuns and I just hoard cats.

Dana: It’s a lot easier to hoard than to herd.

Me: It’d be cool if Lauryn Hill wanted to reprise her role and come jam at my convent, though.

Dana: That’s an idea.

Me: Maybe she needs my ministries to inspire her to make a new album. I miss her. I’d be willing to make an exception.

Dana: So selfless of you.

Me: I know, right? I’m practically a saint — a gay Jewish saint who doesn’t want to help anyone but Lauryn Hill. And cats. Not in that order.

Dana: You’ve found your niche.

Me: If I believed in heaven, I’d also believe that there were a special place for me there.

Sister Catherine will be my nun name. Just as Pokey Scarborough is my porn name.

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38 Comments leave one →
  1. June 9, 2011 6:05 AM

    bobo pepper lane here. i, too, have wondered about whoopi. and her choice in ted danson.

    hold on, my cats are trying to get behind the refrigerator. again…..

  2. June 9, 2011 6:29 AM

    Bogie Riverside, I think — if I’m still doing it right. And the habits look itchy, can we wear sweatpants instead?

  3. June 9, 2011 7:02 AM

    Another Bobo here. Bobo Wilfert. i don’t get many calls, as the talent agency has me listed under “Juggling Monkeys”…

  4. June 9, 2011 8:07 AM

    omg you are hilarious!!!! The photo has me dying laughing!!

    This is Caren from Cat Chat started a new blog for my dog and whenever I comment on a WordPress blog, he pops up!

  5. June 9, 2011 8:39 AM

    I love that your Jewish nunnery will be just like Sister Act!

  6. June 9, 2011 9:08 AM

    Well, that blows my non-denominational beer and mead making monastery out of the water. I forgot cats, and I don’t think it would have enough class to attract big stars.

  7. June 9, 2011 9:45 AM

    First I wish I had a porn name. Why do I not have a porn name? Second, I believe that since the Christians stole most of the Jewish religion that technically Jews invented the nunnery first so you would only be upholding a long standing tradition of Judaism with your Jessery but with cats and sequin habits. Well done you. Oh and you should have your members take better vows than celibacy like….the vow of sleeping until noon every day 😉

    Bless you my child and get thee to the Jessery.

  8. June 9, 2011 9:54 AM

    Hey, nice tan, Jess!

  9. June 9, 2011 10:13 AM

    I’m suddenly sad to find myself a married straight girl, sans cats and unappreciative of Lauryn Hill, and thus probably not a candidate for the novitiate.

    I do take the lord’s name in vain a whole lot, so maybe I can come for retreats?

  10. June 9, 2011 10:22 AM

    grand idea! only let pookie move in (as i tease) because i have 3 cats and didn’t want to the ‘that cat lady’ down the hall

  11. June 9, 2011 11:24 AM

    Dude, when I read the name Jessery I almost snorted my soda out my nose. Well done.

  12. June 9, 2011 11:30 AM

    Hahaha. Pokey Scarborough!

  13. June 9, 2011 11:35 AM

    I’m straight and a (so very lapsed that Jesus* has attended a Sunday service more recently than me) Catholic, but I’ve got cats, no dating life of which to speak of, and I liked ‘Sister Act’ so can I still join? I could be the Maria of your nunnery (jewery?): walking around, talking about communion, and driving Mother Superior to drink (cuz you totally know that Mother Superior in the Sound of Music drinks).

    *And I’m talking like Jesus-Jesus, not a Haysuz-Jesus that the Latino Catholics are so fond of producing.

  14. June 9, 2011 12:35 PM

    If the cats are jewish than you may already have that Jessery!!

  15. June 9, 2011 12:42 PM

    I like it. also: Whoopi is so batting for the home team.

  16. June 9, 2011 1:06 PM

    I just spent 5 minutes staring at this comment box and trying to think of words that rhyme with “habit” so that I could say something funny like “Sister Act 2: Back in the ____”

    Why can’t you have gerbils? Sister Act 2: Back in the Habitrail AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

    (goes back to bed)

  17. June 9, 2011 1:41 PM

    I would join your nunnery. In a heartbeat.

    I’m simultaneously impressed/terrified by the depth of your Sister Act knowledge, two fine films I’ve not yet watched.

  18. June 9, 2011 2:19 PM

    Now. Let’s be real here, people. Who things chastity would last all that long in a gay nunnery? I mean, seriously people.

  19. That Girl permalink
    June 9, 2011 3:09 PM

    Inviting people into your Jessery is either the best or the worst line ever. Also, Lauryn Hill already wrote “I Get Out,” which basically means she is a big ole mo and needs your ministrations in order to write more bad ass records.

    I support the Jessery, and you should too.

    I believe I should get in on this as I already know all the lyrics to “His Eye is On the Sparrow”

  20. June 9, 2011 5:01 PM

    I feel a sudden pressure. Like every conversation with you must be hilarious. Gonna go write jokes in preparation for your arrival.
    Also, you look hot in a habit.

  21. June 9, 2011 6:15 PM

    I ran my name through a porn name generator and got Nikki Cumalot….

  22. Melanie permalink
    June 9, 2011 6:29 PM

    Jess, you have totally out done yourself with that graphic. You are one cool cat. …

  23. June 9, 2011 6:47 PM

    Bahahahah. As a straight, dog-loving, single as hell non-believer (who nevertheless works at a Catholic school; I keep my mouth shut a lot) maybe I can join in for retreats too? Do we get to wear cool red shoes at all times? I used to have cats before my conversion: Siamese. I’d totally fit in and am excellent at blaspheming . . . gotta go and get me a porn name now too. Freakin’ cheese n’ rice.
    Josie x
    PS Would consider getting cats so I can join plus then I can be Josie and the Pussycats. . .

  24. June 9, 2011 7:18 PM

    “Gay nunnery” is a bit redundant, hmmm?

    Jessery is my new online name on as-yet-undiscovered forum, since I am a Jess as well. Called it!

    That photobomb is freaky man.

  25. June 9, 2011 11:28 PM

    Sandy White Mountains, that’s my stripper name. How cool is that?

    I’m not gay or Jewish, but to be a part of your nunnery I might convert.

  26. June 10, 2011 8:26 AM

    As Baroness Schroeder said, “Out there I see a young woman … who will never be a nun!”

    She calls it as she sees it, the Baroness. You will meet your Fraulein Maria.

  27. The Chinese Cowboy permalink
    June 11, 2011 3:52 PM

    Jessery rhymes with pessary … apropos of nothing

  28. June 12, 2011 7:13 AM

    I would totally go see that movie… Twice.

  29. June 13, 2011 7:20 PM

    I have had countless hilarious, meandering and oddly specific talks just like this with my girlfriends. Love it!

  30. June 13, 2011 10:55 PM

    I think you’re limiting yourself by not being “Sister Pokey.”

    The potential. My god, the potential.

  31. June 14, 2011 10:05 AM

    I am gay and a cat owner and I have been known to use the Lord’s name in vain. Unfortunately, I ain’t Jewish or single, but still feel that I am an excellent candidate for the Jessery. I can play the ukelele (kind of) – perfect for the big ole’ sing songs, and I can hoard practically anything, including cats. Oh, and I think Winona Ryder is a hottie, which is irrelevent really, but she was in Sister Act, so I deemed it worth a mention.

    Thoughts?

    • June 14, 2011 10:43 AM

      You make a good case and therefore I grant you entrance into the Jessery, because we foster an atmosphere of acceptance. Even for non-singles. But I will be jealous of your happiness and hate you a little bit.

      • June 16, 2011 7:45 AM

        Awesome, thanks! I’ll dig out my habit and rosary, and get practising the ukelele.

        It’s ok to hate me a little bit – if I’m honest, I’m a tad jealous of you, mainly due to your seemingly friendly and awesome cats. My cat is mean and cantakerous.

        So, all in all, I think we’re fair and square on the jealousy front. You win, I win.

  32. June 14, 2011 7:32 PM

    Mad photo shop skills! And mad porn name creation skills too!

    May I suggest drinking for reals as part of the daily ritual Jessery?

  33. June 15, 2011 12:30 AM

    Does this gay jewish nunnery allow wanna be gay jews? If so, I’d like to join.

    Just imagine how much fun we’d have! We’d teach the choir cats to clap their paws, then you and I would bring the house down with our rendition of”Oh, Maria”- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHASQg8fR0s&feature=related

    The only thing I ask is that you think about it. The only other thing I ask is that you say yes.

  34. June 15, 2011 2:51 PM

    I am SO going as a gay Jewish Nun with a cat for Halloween this year!

  35. June 22, 2011 2:57 PM

    I’m sure you’ve heard this before… but you look good in a habit.

  36. July 9, 2011 4:57 PM

    LOL!!! hahahahahhaahaaaaaaa

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