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Or maybe *this* is what happened to Princess Diana …

September 14, 2011

I found a typewriter-written conspiracy theory about the death of Princess Diana — or rather “Princes Diana,” which adds an unexpected multiple transsexual twist! — in a stack of Letters to the Editor recently sent to the newspaper where I work. I cannot not share it. And yeah, Postmaster General, if you want to get all technical about it, this probably constitutes felony mail fraud, which carries a punishment of up to five years in prison and/or fines of up to $250,000. Worth it. Also, there was a lot of lesbian sex that one time on “The L Word” when Bette and Candace went to jail. I’d find a way to muddle through it.

Holy mole-y.

I am *so* gullible. To think, all this time I was under the impression that the wilting of England’s rose was caused by a deadly combination of a drunken driver and ruthless paparazzi. Which is exactly what The Queen wants you to believe.

And by “The Queen” I mean “Elton John.” If the truth ever leaked out, he’d be forced to re-rewrite his song. Thankfully, I’ve already penned a new title: “Good lie, England’s Ruse.” I’ve got your back, Elton John. Not in the prison-sex sort of way, though. Because you keep rejecting my advances.

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38 Comments leave one →
  1. September 14, 2011 5:03 AM

    To the tune of … “And it seems to me, you lived your life/like a mole who was twinned/never knowing who to cling to/at the breakdown of your skin…”

    …oh lord. More crazy mail, please.

  2. September 14, 2011 5:12 AM

    Aw shit. I am logged into the wrong account.
    I’m doing nothing about it.
    Um, so, this guy… what if he’s really a genius and we’re all idiots for believing the media for portraying Princes Di as having a vagina? Huh? I always thought she looked Chinese.

  3. September 14, 2011 6:14 AM

    Oh please tell me this is the first in what promises to be an enthralling series…..

  4. September 14, 2011 7:41 AM

    That has GOT to be one of the best perks of working in the media — the batshit people! I used to get a guy when I worked overnights at the TV station who called just about every night to “make sure I knew” about whatever crazy shit he’d thought up that day! I always solemnly assured him I would “put someone right on it.”

  5. September 14, 2011 7:47 AM

    This letter is full of new info! Is he saying Amy Carter and Jo Dee Messina are the same person?

    I can’t read the signature. Please tell me you Googled him.

    • September 14, 2011 7:48 AM

      I was thinking he probably has a website of conspiracies, but then I realized he used a typewriter…so he probably doesn’t know what the internet is.

  6. September 14, 2011 7:59 AM

    Beautiful! It is so obvious that we clearly missed it. Damn…

  7. September 14, 2011 8:14 AM

    Chinese mole? Trade route from Taiwan and Japan?! Now i’ll have to come up with a way to delete this post in order to cover my tracks! After all these years, can’t believe i’m still entangled in this mess created by Elvis. Oh shit. Did I just tell you that he’s not dead and behind all this?

  8. September 14, 2011 8:46 AM

    Doesn’t he realize he needs proper punctuation to be taken seriously?

  9. kristen permalink
    September 14, 2011 9:06 AM

    lost my shit at jo dee messina

  10. September 14, 2011 9:16 AM

    Apparently my view of the world has been misshaped by the modern media. I’m glad Crazy-Guy-with-the-Tin-Foil-Hat is here to set me straight…

    It scares me that by the end of the letter it was making sense…

  11. September 14, 2011 10:02 AM

    Does that mean your editor won’t be publishing my letter? I put a lot of research into uncovering this stunning cover up…

  12. Dear Sweet Mama permalink
    September 14, 2011 10:17 AM

    Two words. Holy Bejoley.

  13. September 14, 2011 10:34 AM

    I have not had enough coffee to make sense of that letter. Sadly, I work with a lot of crazies too – some of them were elected to the legislature.

  14. September 14, 2011 10:52 AM

    It hasn’t been stated, but I can only assume that Elvis is somehow involved.

  15. September 14, 2011 12:25 PM

    I want to hear more about these “2 way lobotomy implants” please. Sounds… confusing?

    I adore conspiracy nuts. They’re so cute.

  16. tonyavernooy@gmail.com permalink
    September 14, 2011 2:01 PM

    Well, I must say, this version makes a lot more sense. I always wondered how the Chinese knew so much about England’s monarchy.

  17. September 14, 2011 2:05 PM

    Yikes, I saw this letter lying around just the other day! It reminded me of when, in the 1970s (!), I was working in a Connecticut hospital billing/collection office and received a letter from a patient ostensibly about her bill, but it segued, stream-of-consciousness-style over several handwritten pages, into a story of how the Martians had replaced the top of her skull with a glass dome and were not only monitoring her thoughts, but also sending her messages through the antennae atop said dome. It wasn’t clear why she was sharing this information, but I’ve never forgotten it.

  18. September 14, 2011 2:28 PM

    I love the way crazy people spell. It makes me smile….wait that’s the sharpie marker I’m sniffing. Never mind.

  19. September 14, 2011 7:38 PM

    Woah, woah, woah, BRITAIN is the one doing all the trading between Japan, Taiwan and Brazil? Hey Japan, Taiwan and Brazil, cut out the middle man and save a shitload of money.

    That’s probably the real reason the mole/double/Diana-droid was ‘off’ed, she was going to pass that info to those countries.

    Shit, I just passed that info to them. I hope the British don’t hear about this or I might meet with an *accident* while I’m in Northern Ireland. Just a second, there’s someone pounding on my door…

  20. September 14, 2011 10:16 PM

    that’s quite a theory. i didn’t know moles were so intriguing.

  21. September 14, 2011 11:03 PM

    This letter made me think of that 100-page manuscript some poor soul dropped off at your paper a few years ago. Didn’t it have something to do with aliens and brainwashing and government conspiracies and subliminal messages being sent through the television? Just another day in the newsroom.

    The weirdos are everywhere, though. Today some guy dropped off his dogs at the hotel and–I shit you not–he was accompanied by two bodyguards. No kidding, they were all done up like Keith from Season 4 of “Six Feet Under” (hated that season), with the black suits and the sunglasses. One of them even came in to scope out the place before allowing his employer inside. Apparently, this dude owns a bunch of casinos and–well, you know how casino owners typically end up dead. Watch out, Casino Owner. Princess Di’s bodyguard didn’t save her…

  22. September 15, 2011 12:28 AM

    I couldn’t even follow that. is Joe Biden’s wife really Princess Di? I’m so confused.

    • September 15, 2011 6:36 AM

      It’s quite simple, actually.

      1. It’s not clear where the real Princess Diana is, but at some point her skin started to break down, which sounds painful. Poor real Princess Di.

      2. Jimmy Carter passed the Panama Canal to Panama in order to ensure that Britain would have a secured trade route for its Asian shipping fleet.

      3. Jo Dee Messina, aka Amy Carter, is married to Joe Biden (the letter didn’t spell this out, but I assume they were drawn together because of the similarities in their first names). To support Jimmy Carter’s efforts, the couple ran control operations using 2-way lobotomy implants (I’m not sure why they didn’t use the far superior 4-way lobotomy implants, but maybe they were on a limited budget).

      4. The fake Princess Diana is a Chinese mole. She spent a lot of time with Prince Charles, but it’s not clear whether he was aware of her true identity. She also conspired with Jo Dee Messina and Joe Biden on the Panama Canal thing.

      5. Eventually, the fake Princess Diana’s involvement in the Panama Canal conspiracy was discovered, so the British authorities did the logical thing: they faked her death and sent her to prison.

      I can see how the original could be confusing, though, with the original letter using “it’s” instead of “its”.

  23. September 15, 2011 9:31 AM

    Wow. That is a serious conspiracy theory. I wonder if he knows that a tin foil beanie can keep the government from reading his secret thoughts.

  24. September 15, 2011 12:39 PM

    I hate to break it to you, but Elton John was on the grassy knoll.

    Can you carry on?

  25. September 15, 2011 3:36 PM

    Damnit! All my crazy people come in to my office themselves and I can NEVER remember all the batshit they spew. From now on I’m having them write it out to me.

  26. September 16, 2011 8:53 AM

    That is a whole lot of crazy wrapped up into one little letter!

  27. September 16, 2011 12:26 PM

    Love your blog! You have a great sense of humor & “voice”. I tagged you on my blog and nominated you for the “Versatile Blogger” award. Details are on my latest post at http://psychodynamom.com/2011/09/16/you-like-me-you-really-like-me/
    Enjoy,
    Gina

  28. September 17, 2011 12:30 PM

    I knew she had to be a Princes! I mean, really, how many “princesses” do you know who would wear their hair that short?

  29. September 18, 2011 3:48 PM

    What I really need to happen is for you to learn more about whoever penned this amazing letter — who was it going to? And what did they hope to accomplish? Is this just a general, HEY, THOUGHT YOU OUGHTA KNOW PRINCESS DI WAS A LIE (we’ve all been there), or did this guy really want something to happen because of this? Let’s revolt in the streets and get England’s Ruse out for EVERYONE to learn about.

  30. September 19, 2011 3:21 PM

    I like to take things out of context.

    The excerpt: “Princes Diana who was a double as Prince Charles” is crammed FULL of trannylicious undertones. What a joyous twist, indeed!

    Elton totally wrote that letter. The amount of times I’ve had to be all “ELTON. Charles is NOT Diana in drag! Lay off!” …but boy, is he stubborn.

  31. September 20, 2011 9:04 AM

    I .. I just … I let it sink in for a whole day and came back and re-read it, and I am still speechless. Pure gold.

  32. September 21, 2011 9:15 PM

    I think my favorite part is . . . well, all of it. All of it is my favorite.

    You are skilled in the ways of blowing the lid of conspiracies. You should have your own show on one of those cable channels that are always doing undercover investigations. Get yourself a fedora and a trenchcoat and you are on top of stuff.

  33. October 25, 2011 4:59 AM

    Well, this certainly clears up a lot of questions. I’ve really got to stop blithely believing everything they say in the news.

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