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Who Wore It Best? Part Deux (“Deux” is pronounced sort of like “duh,” because the answer is obvious.)

December 15, 2011

Although my barely detectable maternal instinct is wholly satisfied by caring for cats, others in my life are not so blessed. Many of them don’t have cats, or don’t want them, which is totally fine because more for me.

While I’ve been squirreling away cash for my cats’ college funds, my friends have been busy nesting and baby-proofing their cribs. (MTV taught me that “cribs” is what today’s youths and rappers call “domiciles.”) Yes, I’ve apparently reached the age when my peers are starting to fill the Teva-and-Isabel-sized hole in their hearts with children. This displeases me.

Taking into account my selfishness, disapproval of polluting the Earth with progeny and allergy to humans born after Ronald Reagan‘s first term, I figured these births would be the death of our friendships.

I feared the postpartum depression. The sleepless nights. The hemorrhoids. And I’m just talking about the effect their kids would have on *me*.

Possibly worst of all, I resented that I’d have to buy baby shower, birthday and holiday gifts for their little tax write-offs. When’s the last time someone gave my cats a present? Technically, mid-October. But it feels more dramatic and vindicating to say NEVER.

But when I’m wrong, I am wrong.

Upon the arrival of a co-worker’s first child, I reluctantly yet meticulously picked out the perfect congratulations-on-being-born present, and bore witness to the look of sheer joy and wonderment on her innocent, cherubic face as she happily wore the cutesy clothes. I’ve never felt more appreciated, so full of purpose. It warmed the cockles of my hard heart.

This is what being a mother is all about, I thought. I’m making a difference. Like Angelina Jolie with her caboodle of third-world orphans.

That’s why Hanukkah came early this year for another chum’s tyke. I just couldn’t wait another day to celebrate, get my blue on and light the womenorah. I again shopped stores high and low, and instantly those euphoric feelings came flooding back when I saw the little angel sporting adorable new duds.

Then I handed off the gift to my friend’s kid and whatever. No biggie.

Isabel and child

P.S. Go here for part one of “Who Wore It Best?”

P.P.S. Isabel purred most of time.

P.P.P.S. She wears a toddler 2/3. But no pressure.

P.P.P.P.S. OK, I lied. Isabel purred the whole time.

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35 Comments leave one →
  1. December 15, 2011 5:20 AM

    Does Teva fit into the pink t shirt I sent you?

    • December 15, 2011 7:29 PM

      Teva doesn’t sit still long enough for such shenanigans. Isabel looks pretty in pink, so maybe we’ll make that happen next.

  2. December 15, 2011 7:36 AM

    Isabel would surely purr in such gracious shades of blush rose pink, but somehow I don’t see her ‘toddling’.

  3. December 15, 2011 8:04 AM

    sooo… ya pussed out and didn’t try to get her arms in the sleeves? I’m disappointed in you with all your, “Trying to keep your blood inside your body” BS!

    • December 15, 2011 1:33 PM

      I was wondering the same thing about the arms, but then I bet the pic wouldn’t be as visible? Still. Maybe one arm through the sleeve would have worked.

    • December 15, 2011 1:54 PM

      I think Isabelle and I have the same problem — sleeves are never exactly the right length.

      • December 15, 2011 7:22 PM

        The arm holes don’t exactly match up with where her arms are. Shoddy manufacturing.

  4. December 15, 2011 10:20 AM

    I think it’s very obvious who wore it best. Being an aunt is huge fun. I buy my nieces and nephews entirely inappropriate gifts. I am the best aunt ever. You can join in this fun. Leather jackets for 5 year olds. High heels for the 10 year old. Makeup, concert tickets – the fun never ends.

  5. December 15, 2011 11:10 AM

    I LOVE YOU.

    SO much I can’t even breath sometimes from the joy and laughter.

    Thanks for this. You’re amazing.

  6. December 15, 2011 11:23 AM

    I am right with Suniverse above…OMG I was dying and I can soooooooo relate. I have no children of my own…I have only had cats….this is just too damn funny!!!

  7. December 15, 2011 12:12 PM

    Of course Is looks best in this shirt. She would look best in anything. Heck, she’d look better naked. And proves that every day.

  8. December 15, 2011 12:20 PM

    Someone should tell that kid it’s not really polite to play with your balls in public.

  9. December 15, 2011 12:39 PM

    That cat looks pissed – but then again, when do cats NOT look pissed?

    That kid, on the other hand, looks adorable.

    • December 15, 2011 7:25 PM

      … but the cat looks adorabler. (I think you forgot to say that part.)

      Isabel was actually quite happy about modeling the clothes, and did in fact purr the whole time. She’s an attention hog, er, cat.

  10. December 15, 2011 12:42 PM

    I don’t like babies, but once they start talking I enjoy them. In small doses and mostly to teach them how to make loud noises.

  11. iampisspot permalink
    December 15, 2011 12:44 PM

    Isabel TOTALLY wore it best – hands down.

  12. December 15, 2011 1:29 PM

    Sure, I’ll send Isabel some clothes. Would she prefer leather or lace?

    Chains?

  13. December 15, 2011 2:15 PM

    This made my day! And some of my friends too~!

  14. December 15, 2011 3:24 PM

    Thank you for being so funny and brightening my day.

  15. December 15, 2011 6:47 PM

    Imagine the matching outfits you and the kids, er… cats, could wear! Maybe that’s what your mom is getting your for Jewish Christmas!

  16. December 15, 2011 8:26 PM

    Must rush out and buy cute t-shirt for the doggie. . . .natch it looks better on Isabel. D’uh! (Oh, she did wear reindeer ears once, for 30 seconds. Looked much cuter in them than all those cars that sport them lately.)

  17. December 15, 2011 11:35 PM

    jesus. you do not have a “hard heart.” YOU CANNOT FOOL US, SOFTIE.

  18. Tershbango permalink
    December 15, 2011 11:49 PM

    I love your writing. Your blog makes me smile, pretty girl! And I love my cat just as unabashedly!

  19. December 17, 2011 3:48 PM

    The best thing with other people’s kids… you can give them back. Cats however can be cuddled all the time.

  20. December 19, 2011 3:05 PM

    I get sooo sad when a friend gets preggo. That’s totally the end of the fun. You put it way more eloquently though.

  21. December 19, 2011 3:49 PM

    awww lovely post, ya I know what you mean a lot of my co workers every night they go home w their kids whereas in my prev company everyone used to go out and have a few drinks… kids change ya! hahaha not for the worst though i do want a few of my own some day 😀

  22. December 19, 2011 4:01 PM

    While this is very cute, may I suggest a fight to the death between Isabel and the child? Now, that is true betting material! And entertaining.

    Also, Ivy Blaise is right: you get to give the kids back! I have a kid and, man, when he acts up I have one hell of a time trying to get a stranger to take him. Stick with cats.

  23. December 20, 2011 12:57 AM

    your fabulously brilliant and humorous writing warms the cockles of my hard heart.

    cats always have and always will win any and all “who wore it best” competitions.

  24. December 21, 2011 6:52 AM

    I especially love how Isabel is acting hella cool in her shirt. She’s all “yeah? I’m wearing a shirt – what’s your question?” but the kid is all “I’m so cute and adorable!”.

    To conclude, the kid is trying too hard and could learn a lot from Isabel.

  25. December 21, 2011 1:35 PM

    How is this even a competition? You know, in Little League, they just call the game on things like this.

    But… I suppose you need kids for Little League so… how do I even know that?

  26. December 22, 2011 9:22 PM

    Seriously. Can’t. Breathe.

    Um, not to brag, but my cat graduated cum clawed with majors in EduCATion and Purrject Management.

    (That was so bad even my cat groaned. And he’s been dead for ten years.)

  27. December 27, 2011 12:51 AM

    Every year my unselfish efforts in not adding to the over 7 billion douchebags we already have on this planet go entirely unappreciated. I’m not getting presents for people who make more of them.

  28. December 27, 2011 10:05 PM

    I am beyond amazed and, frankly, impressed that your cat let you put a shirt on her. I think my four cats would join together to rip off my face if I ever attempted to clothe them.

  29. January 10, 2012 4:47 PM

    I’ve never had such a strong urge to steal a cat. And cat-sized clothes, naturally.

  30. February 7, 2012 9:51 PM

    You’ve inspired me to start taking pictures of my cat using the gifts I’m about to give people.

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