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What, like you never spent a weekend wrapping your pet in cellophane and then posting photos on the web?

December 17, 2010

I was just googling the names of my cats because it’s Saturday night and I’m awesome and came across their namesake on Facebook.

I minored in Spanish in college. True story.

Part of me wonders whether this Isabel Teva also spends her days sipping from the sink, snoozing on ass pillows and swiping tampons. Probably the same part of me that googles my cats’ names.

This vaguely reminds me of the time when I was working at my first job for a miniscule newspaper in rural Virginia, and the design editor and his wife brought their new baby into the newsroom to show her off. As my colleagues converged, I stayed cemented to my desk. If it isn’t a kitten, I can’t be bothered.

“Her name’s Abigail,” they cooed. Vicky, my then-girlfriend/co-worker, enthusiastically blurted out, “Awww! That’s my dead dog’s name!” And they were all, “Oh.”

This can't end well.

I totally wouldn’t remember that kid’s name today if it weren’t for the dead dog.

Anyway, I’m kind of concerned because Isabel Teva is dressed in a white gown, looking forlorn and draped in what at first I thought was a very shiny veil but now believe to be copious amounts of cellophane, which probably means she’s sedated and locked in a kill room and about to be hacked to bits and dumped in the Miami bay by serial killer Dexter Morgan.

Which, in keeping with his code, I’m pretty sure means she’s snatched more than a tampon or two in her day. (See what I did there?)

Or maybe she just really likes cellophane.

That’s common among Isabels.

It started out as a babushka.

Then it became a cape. And I got out my good camera.

It was too late to turn back, so I fashioned a blanket.

Now she's just showing off.

Now, like Abigail the Infant/Dead Dog, we’ll all forever remember Isabel Teva and her fondness for cellophane. Or her untimely demise at the hands of a psychopath. Possibly a little of both.

Regardless, I’ve run out of Saran Wrap, and that’s the real tragedy.

And how was *your* weekend?

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44 Comments leave one →
  1. December 19, 2010 7:04 AM

    No, I do NOT spend my weekends wrapping cats in cellophane.

    I wrap my cats in rice tortillas. With mu shu sauce on the side.

  2. December 19, 2010 8:39 AM

    Hahahaha nice “veil”. Am impressed your Isabel Teva and her posing. That cellophane would have been shredded to bits enthusiastically in about two milliseconds by my cats, followed by a look that would say… “so, where is the next layer?”

  3. December 19, 2010 9:20 AM

    You’ve inspired me to google my cats’ names (Thunder and Holly). I didn’t find anything interesting this time, but I’m sure that if I wait long enough, someone will eventually write a series of mystery, science fiction, or action-adventure novels with a protagonist named Holly Thunder.

    • December 19, 2010 7:00 PM

      Porn maybe?

    • December 22, 2010 12:30 AM

      Here’s one I found earlier.

      Holly Thunder, extraordinary private detective, smoothed her ruffled coat and continued stalking her prey who was seemingly unaware that …..

  4. December 19, 2010 9:31 AM

    HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

    OMG!!

    Thanks for the MUCH NEEDED Sunday morning laugh!!! Among the many things I LOVE about you and your writing is how unique you are!!! I am still laughing!
    The last photo is my fave! I cannot believe Isabel sat that long! lol

  5. December 19, 2010 1:35 PM

    OK THEN…. The kitty looks cute all wrapped up like Superman. But what is up with that bride all wrapped up? She looks like a sofa in some old womans apartment. Nice to look at but horrible to sit on.

    • December 20, 2010 7:54 AM

      spoken like a man who has not sat on enough nice Spanish ladies!

  6. December 19, 2010 2:39 PM

    I did not spend the weekend putting cellophane on my cats.

    I spent the weekend putting antlers on my cats.

    Well, CAT.

    But now that I’m looking at your cellophane photos, I’m just writhing in envy.

    You best me again, Jes!!

  7. December 19, 2010 3:12 PM

    “…snatched a tampon…”
    How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

  8. Foreigner permalink
    December 19, 2010 4:10 PM

    OMG!! your cats look sad and helpless but still cute!!! hahaha
    That’s probably the weirdest wedding gown I’ve ever seen…people have some really bizar tradition!!

    Nice post

  9. December 19, 2010 4:36 PM

    maybe she’s just into some really kinky shit.

    also? your Isabel is WAY prettier. true story.

    • December 20, 2010 2:59 AM

      Thank you. I was thinking the same thing. About the kink. And my Isabel’s far superior looks.

  10. December 19, 2010 5:09 PM

    Your Isabel looks embarrassed. The other one doesn’t (but she should).

  11. December 19, 2010 5:16 PM

    Let’s just say I use my saran wrap for some curious purposes completed unrelated to my cat. Meanwhile, the fashion inspirations from Isabel Teva Garcia will influence kittens everywhere for years to come.

  12. December 19, 2010 5:56 PM

    If it’s not a baby animal, other than a human, I can’t really be bothered either.

    My weekend has included a dog fight, resulting in a very embarrassed/traumatized dog who can’t get to her favorite napping spot (under the living room table) or eat crumbs off the floor (very easily) because she’s now sporting the Cone of Shame.

    Kind of like Saran Wrap. But not. And the dog should learn not to pick fights with the Crazy Neighbor Dog. Who has an invisible fence for a reason.

  13. December 19, 2010 7:04 PM

    Our cat is a rescue and afraid of plasic. Bags, wrap all that. We think he was mistreated in some way as a baby.

    But I have to say that your lady there must really trust her Momma to let you do all that, so kudos to being a great kitty Momma 🙂

  14. December 19, 2010 7:46 PM

    Wow, my cats would have gone bat-shit-crazy if I’d come at them with a roll of cellophane, and a camera.

    In other news: I too am completely uninterested in the spawn of my co-workers/ friends. Now if people started bringing new puppies to my place of work/ house?? Then we’d be in business!

  15. December 19, 2010 8:13 PM

    Isabel Teva (of facebook) must be Italian, despite the name Garcia. you see, all good Italians (of which i am one) wrap things in plastic. Furniture, lampshades, carpet, wedding gowns… yes. wedding gowns. even when the bride is wearing it.

    you see, Italian women must ALWAYS be prepared for a visit from The Pope.

  16. The Bad Lady permalink
    December 19, 2010 11:07 PM

    Dude, you didn’t leave here until after one last night. You went home and wrapped your cats in cellophane instead of going to bed? Seriously? Oh, and for the record, Abby was the greatest dog ever. I bet Abby-the-Child isn’t nearly as awesome.

  17. December 20, 2010 12:09 AM

    that last photo? that’s art, right there.
    possibly the best cat photo i’ve seen! so pensive.
    good work. a very productive weekend for you.

  18. MirtoP permalink
    December 20, 2010 2:04 AM

    By any chance did your mom have an affair with David Lynch some 31 years ago? Just sayin’…

  19. That Girl permalink
    December 20, 2010 3:16 AM

    I think you got very confused about the proper use of Saran Wrap on a Saturday night. I’m concerned. Or I would be, but the photo of Isabel showing off is so effing adorable that I’m distracted.

  20. December 20, 2010 4:15 AM

    Thank the heavens lesbians can’t become weird cat ladies. Otherwise, I’d be recommending some dating or drinking. But, you’re in the clear. Phew.

    Agree on cat Isabel hotter than bride Isabel. Way hotter.

    Also, that last picture recalls the time when Isabel was making her way through the birth canal. Anyone else see that? Art.

  21. December 20, 2010 4:31 AM

    Inspired by this post, my aim in life is now to get married wearing cellophane.

    I think it’s given me a purpose. What do you reckon?

  22. December 20, 2010 4:42 AM

    any of my cats would gleefully kill me if i engaged in such behavior. they just sleep on my purse. ah, to have such loving, non homicidal fuzzbutts!

  23. December 20, 2010 8:01 AM

    “Calpurnia Jean” brings up a lot of “To Kill a Mockingbird” synopses (and no, I wasn’t even thinking of that when I named her, I was thinking of Caesar’s crazy wife)… but the number one hit? Is my own blog. The official Crazy Cat Lady sign up sheet starts right here!

  24. December 20, 2010 9:10 AM

    Your cats should be models! Cute pics! Mine wouldn’t have let me do that. She’d have eaten it.

  25. December 20, 2010 11:25 AM

    These are hilarious. I especially like the veil and capes. LOL

  26. December 20, 2010 1:32 PM

    The worst/best part of this is that you have inspired me to go home and do the same to my poor cats after work. YIPEE!

  27. December 20, 2010 3:52 PM

    remember the scene in Fried Green Tomatoes where Kathy Bates envisions greeting her hubby at the door wearing nothing but cellophane….?

  28. December 21, 2010 10:49 AM

    hm. that’s funny. i was expecting some sort of announcement…

    my cat eats hanger straps off my dresses/nice shirts. not funny, only tangentially related, but true.

  29. December 21, 2010 12:43 PM

    I really enjoyed the fashion show. It’s also helpful that when our baby is born I will suggest Abigail because I know from this moment on I’ll never forget the dead dog/baby 😉

  30. December 21, 2010 3:55 PM

    my question is: why did you not make santa hats out of saran wrap? you could call them saranta hats.

  31. December 21, 2010 4:02 PM

    Bwwwhahahaha! “That’s the name of my dead dog.” Golden. Another true story: When I was pregnant, my husband suggested the name Abigail, and I said, “Dude, that’s the name of your Grandma’s dead dog!”

    Apparently-o, there are a lot of dead dogs named Abigail out there. Small world.

  32. December 21, 2010 5:55 PM

    One of my best friends ever is named Chris any my first memory of him is a group of people from my hall walking back to the dorm from the cafeteria and him telling me his name and me responding that I’d definitely remember it because it’s the name of my ex-boyfriend.

    Apparently, you’re not suppose to say such things.

    Weird, right?

    Normal conversation, such an ellusive goal.

    And I wish we hung out together.

    ‘Cause I look darn good in a saran wrap cape.

  33. December 21, 2010 9:09 PM

    What about painting the wrap with red nail polish. Bingo! Santa gear.

  34. Potato Distilled and Beef permalink
    December 22, 2010 4:15 AM

    “I totally wouldn’t remember that kid’s name today if it weren’t for the dead dog.”

    Hi-LARIOUS.

    I’m the same way. I don’t care about anyone’s baby, but bring a puppy or a kitten around, and that shit is on.

    Stunning photographs.

  35. December 24, 2010 6:27 AM

    Has Isabel started her yenta business yet? I’m thinking ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’ meets ‘Googlez’, but way less annoying.

  36. December 27, 2010 1:47 AM

    I was going to write something rather witty to match this post, but the last picture? With the “puppy eyes” she’s making? I can’t remember anything now…

  37. I HAVE CAT permalink
    January 2, 2011 11:30 PM

    How has it taken me SOOOO long to discover your blog! My name is Tamar and I’m an almost 40 year old living in NYC – with cat (s).
    Hope you check out my blog! This is how it all started for me…..
    http://ihavecat.wordpress.com/2009/08/21/hello-world/

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